My journey into submission

Discussion in 'Journals and blogs' started by slave_j, Jan 11, 2009.

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  1. slave_j
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    slave_j Member

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    Though I count having kinky thoughts from a very early age my first real connection with BDSM (realising what these feelings were) happened when I was 18 and I had just found some modest but very sexy Femdom photos on the net (a site called the San Fransisco Dungeon, reproduced in the stories section of my site. http://www.bornofdarkness.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/Stories/ST_DOM.htm) . I explored the net scooped up as much information as could absorb. Afraid that I would be discovered I went through the information as fast as I could, but I remember ending my excursion when I found one with a powerful lady sitting holding a bullwhip.

    I began searching for more information on the topic, but the environment I lived in was very narrow minded and straight and things like that were hard to come by. I even felt guilty and ashamed to be attracted to such a weird life style. Like all things in my life I started by trying anything once so I created a profile and looked for a Domme to share these new emotions with. I chatted to few on-line discussed these new emotion in chat rooms and played on-line, eventually I became disillusioned with searching for a Domme and decided to discuss this with my girlfriend at the time. It turned out she wanted to explore this so we played lightly at first. Well things progressed to the point where she allowed me to see a couple as our situation didnt allow us go full time.

    I look back fondly at this time but even though I enjoyed the sub aspect something was not right. This all came to head when I was asked to serve at a party. All was OK until I was asked to give the most vulgar pile of shit Ive ever met a blow job (19 stone, stank of BO.) I said no, the next thing I remember is having a knife at my throat, the memory of what happened is still very hard to deal with. Im not sure how many times I was raped or by who but I was left bound in a ditch and left for dead.

    As you can imagine this experience has left me with allot of emotional scars, it's been the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with. First I tried to hide it, pretending to talk about it to close friends and making up friends that were there at the time. I lost my partner, drove everyone away form me and went into my own shell. I finally sought counselling and still have regular therapy sessions especially around the anniversary. Initially I still had fantasys about domination but I could not bare losing control to anyone so my fantasies took on a new twist.

    Not sure of what I wanted I just started enjoying play parties and munches for the social aspect and had no interest in being with anyone, well that was until Sharon came along and wanted a spanking, then I discovered this new side to myself. At first it was about never loosing control... never being vulnerable and never being abused again. Looking back it was as much in anger as it any sexual desire, I created a mental barrier and effectively killed my submissive side. Sharon died in a car crash leaving me alone again, I broke down completely after this. Destroyed everything in my life and even tried to end it.

    Now years later I have found my perfect partner, someone who accepts me for who I am and is there whenever I need them, even if she accross on the other side of the world. She is my everything, I know I am way to clingy but she is the pilar I need when things are bad, the lover I need to hope and love and the Mistress I craive to use and abuse me.

    I used to describe myself as bi.. but the thought of having a guy near me just repulses me and causes any number of flash backs, I can loose control but as you can imagine trust is the most important thing in my life and if I loose trust then things in my head tend to go a bit crazy and everyone around me suffers.
     
  2. PuppyMastersPet
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    What a harrowing story. I’m glad to see things eventually turned out for the better for you. What a lucky sissy you are to have Lady Kismet as your Mistress.

    It must have taken a lot for you to express your experiences especially to then post them.

    Kris x
     
  3. chastityslavejohn
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    chastityslavejohn Mistress Irianna's pet

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    wow, what a story! slave j, my heart goes out to you.

    it's a scary world out there. Thank God there's a place like tis where we can all feel safe. Thanks to Mistress Watchful and Her pet!
     
  4. Miss D
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    Miss D Expert In Femming

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    I am sorry for what happened to you at the party, jo. Clearly, the experience left a scar. But, don't let that experience define who you are. Being submissive is not synonymous with being a victim.

    Trust is a very personal and valuable gift to give to someone. I hope that telling your story indicates a degree of trust you are affording to the members here. Thank you for sharing.
     
  5. slave_j
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    slave_j Member

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    after the event pt1

    I killed my submissive side by inventing a new personality (Cyclonus) he never was to be used, exploted, abused and left for dead. Now I'm Wicca, live by the rule of three so hurting anyone (as a Dom) comes very hard to me and only when I know he or she truly needs it.

    I Enjoyed every minute of my new found power, well so would you if you could charge 400 an evening to dom someone. However topping only men who had man boobs was no fun especially since certain smells caused me to flash back. Thats the reason why I gave up pro doming, the money was great but since all my clients were men I'd give it as it caused to much pain.

    Just as I decided to quit (for the first time) Sharon anounced she was pregnant, I was over the moon we were to marry that summer. Well that New Years (why I get down 11:30 new years eve) she was in Canada travelling to her parents when the mazda she had rented got side swiped by a 4x4. She spent two months in a coma. I tried to get compassionate leave but worked for the Government and Mr Blair had non of it, so I took it anyway and got fired. It took me just as long to get over Sharon, and I fell back into old bad habits.

    That all changed about 3 years ago, my soul (my best friend Mal) called my bluf and demanded I change or she'd never talk to me again. Now Mals been there through all the hard times, so I killed cyclonus and slave J (Joanne) and Master Malstrome were born.
     
  6. slave_j
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    slave_j Member

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    thank you

    Just a quikie to thank those that have posted. Thank You.
     
  7. slave_j
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    slave_j Member

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    now then now the

    The one peron I've missed out, my Miss. Mal has nothing to do with my life now, My Mistress Lady Kismet is all I need. Things are hard her being in America and me in the UK but I can't imagine life without her. This journal is about to become a record of my Love for Her, if such things makes you sick then I can provide sick bags or read elsewhere. Now I'm not sure where to start so will wait for my Mistress's advice before I dive into a world of hurt.
     
  8. slave_j
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    slave_j Member

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    trip to heaven

    I finally got locked away before we left for New Orleans, it took about half an hour to get the CB3000 on as I was very excited, and no being milked before had no effect on my erection, neither did ice or thinking of Jaba the hut (mainly cause princes leia dressed as a slave girl kept jumping into my head). I so loved the feeling of being locked away, straining to get as Mistress teased me, sent my head into a completely new place

    Well after much teasing and driving we finally made it to Sin city. Mistress and I spent 3 days site seeing and being tourists, the city is very eclectic with some of the friendliest people on the planet (now being back in the UK I have to get used to not saying good morning to everyone that walks past).

    Because we are both new to the Mistress/Sissy side to our relationship (even though weve been discussing and playing that way online for over a year) we have been taking it very slow, last time Mistress came to the UK even though I had all my Sissy attire we just started by gentle teasing and playing. I have a thing for satin and Mistress wrapping me in a satin sheet and teasing with me for what seemed like hours was heaven on Earth, and I was perfectly satisfied with leaving it there. The same could be said for what happened in New Orleans, I guess I should just learn to say please dress me as a slut and use me but its hard to admit thats what I want. All I want is for Mistress to say put these on slut and use me but she cares to much to do that unless she knows thats what I want, hence why things have taken so long to develop.

    Well we played in New Orleans, with hoods and general bondage which was great, but I still have real issues with anal sex. Im not sure quite what happened but remember waking up in a warm bath after Mistress tried to use me anally. I completely blacked out and went into shock, shivering and wanted to curl up and die. I guess it was a combination of the alcohol and the emotions I was feeling, I know it was nothing to do with Mistress as I so desperately want her to take me anally, its a barrier I need to get over but so far its proved impossible. I know not to push it and scared the shit out of My Miss when I went into shock. All I can say is thank you for caring for me, dragging my arse into the bath waking up regaining consciousness with you there holding me was something Ive never had before. I love you with all my heart and soul for that.
     
  9. chastityslavejohn
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    chastityslavejohn Mistress Irianna's pet

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    slave j, hang in there. Mistress and i did the long distance thing for 2 years...She in Florida and me in NY. we did every other weekend together either in NY or FL and a few week long vacations...Vegas, Paris, Arizona, NYC. we are finally living together now for 9 months and every day is better than the last.
     
  10. slave_j
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    slave_j Member

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    Thanks, I know things will get better though May is along time away, it breaks my heart when Miss says she'd rather not see me again and have to say goodbye but looks forward to the day when we wont have to.
     
  11. Lady_Kismet
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    Lady_Kismet Member

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    hun I didn't mean that to sound so horrible. Just not sure I can take watching you from the other side of airport security know it will be months before I see you again. And as far as everything else you make me sound like a positive saint:love0063:. *sigh* and here I was enjoying the idea of having devil horns. Guess I shall have to add my point of view on my journal. :evilgrin0042:
     
  12. xcitex2
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    xcitex2 Back from the past!

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    Easy there, lol, this is your journal. You are allowed to say whatever you feel.
     
  13. chastityslavejohn
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    chastityslavejohn Mistress Irianna's pet

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    Lady Kismet and slave j,

    during our 2 year distance relationship O/our longest separation was 3 weeks. i can't imagine 3 months. every departure was a teary mess, Mistress would cry as W/we hugged goodbye...and all the way home. i would cry in the men's room after security or in my car. but oh what tears of joy W/we shared on the last day of separation when W/we began the rest of O/our lives together. that was over 9 months ago. now W/we mostly are going through airport security together.

    time will pass, as it always does, and soon it will be over for Y/you as well!

    slavejohn
     
  14. slave_j
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    slave_j Member

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    I was so sad to leave New Orleans and driving away I realised that Mistress and I had faced my biggest hurdle, sure we stumbled and fell but she was there to help me up and make things better. There are a few things that scare, I know how much I miss my Miss but I worry that when she spends any time with me I'll drive her mad. Being separated now is hard as hell, I'm so scared me being all clingy will scare her into someone else’s bed. I try not to be clingy but think I enjoy the attention to much.

    Anyway after New Orleans we travelled down to Galveston, the place or the road to the ferry crossing was badly hit and I was dying to be locked up again, we did the normal sight seeing bit went to NASA etc. Things kept on jumping back into my head at the time but I guess that’s what running to the toilet to is for.

    When home we went shopping for heels and a wig, sadly heels were a bit out of our budget as well I have expensive tastes but found a new wig so was happy I might finally be able to dress as Jo for Miss.

    We got home and well things were tense at first, Miss scared to ask about what happened, I just wanted to forget. Well it finally got to the point where she asked me what I wanted, so in my shy looking at floor manner mumbled dress me as a maid and use me. So she caged me, something that now takes about 5 minutes and lots of baby oil, corseted me in my purple Axfords corset, then stocking’s my legs and dressed me in my tuffle underskirt. I wish I had satin bloomers or panties as having it itch and rub down there takes away certain sensations though I know that’s why Miss has me wear it. Then came the bit that sent my head into another place, she slid my satin maids uniform over my head and zipped me up. As the zip slid up I felt the satin tighten around my body, started to shake at the sensation but just looked at Mistress knowing how much I love and trust her and finding my new sissy side, it felt nothing like I remember from how I remember it. The feeling was so much more intense than dressing myself, knowing my Mistress was there to care for me and look after so I let myself go into my other place. Mistress then secured the apron and put me in a pair of high heels she was given. I don’t pretend to be able to walk as a lady, this is all so new to me and find my body id to stiff to swing my or even walk in a lady like manner.

    So Mistress led me over to a chair, sat me down and preceded to do my makeup, there don’t you look pretty. After which I was told to go to the bathroom and tell her what I though. Well wowsers, the rest is very personal, but that night was a fantasy fulfilled.
     
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