Though I count having kinky thoughts from a very early age my first real connection with BDSM (realising what these feelings were) happened when I was 18 and I had just found some modest but very sexy Femdom photos on the net (a site called the San Fransisco Dungeon, reproduced in the stories section of my site. http://www.bornofdarkness.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/Stories/ST_DOM.htm) . I explored the net scooped up as much information as could absorb. Afraid that I would be discovered I went through the information as fast as I could, but I remember ending my excursion when I found one with a powerful lady sitting holding a bullwhip. I began searching for more information on the topic, but the environment I lived in was very narrow minded and straight and things like that were hard to come by. I even felt guilty and ashamed to be attracted to such a weird life style. Like all things in my life I started by trying anything once so I created a profile and looked for a Domme to share these new emotions with. I chatted to few on-line discussed these new emotion in chat rooms and played on-line, eventually I became disillusioned with searching for a Domme and decided to discuss this with my girlfriend at the time. It turned out she wanted to explore this so we played lightly at first. Well things progressed to the point where she allowed me to see a couple as our situation didnt allow us go full time. I look back fondly at this time but even though I enjoyed the sub aspect something was not right. This all came to head when I was asked to serve at a party. All was OK until I was asked to give the most vulgar pile of shit Ive ever met a blow job (19 stone, stank of BO.) I said no, the next thing I remember is having a knife at my throat, the memory of what happened is still very hard to deal with. Im not sure how many times I was raped or by who but I was left bound in a ditch and left for dead. As you can imagine this experience has left me with allot of emotional scars, it's been the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with. First I tried to hide it, pretending to talk about it to close friends and making up friends that were there at the time. I lost my partner, drove everyone away form me and went into my own shell. I finally sought counselling and still have regular therapy sessions especially around the anniversary. Initially I still had fantasys about domination but I could not bare losing control to anyone so my fantasies took on a new twist. Not sure of what I wanted I just started enjoying play parties and munches for the social aspect and had no interest in being with anyone, well that was until Sharon came along and wanted a spanking, then I discovered this new side to myself. At first it was about never loosing control... never being vulnerable and never being abused again. Looking back it was as much in anger as it any sexual desire, I created a mental barrier and effectively killed my submissive side. Sharon died in a car crash leaving me alone again, I broke down completely after this. Destroyed everything in my life and even tried to end it. Now years later I have found my perfect partner, someone who accepts me for who I am and is there whenever I need them, even if she accross on the other side of the world. She is my everything, I know I am way to clingy but she is the pilar I need when things are bad, the lover I need to hope and love and the Mistress I craive to use and abuse me. I used to describe myself as bi.. but the thought of having a guy near me just repulses me and causes any number of flash backs, I can loose control but as you can imagine trust is the most important thing in my life and if I loose trust then things in my head tend to go a bit crazy and everyone around me suffers.