My Hands Free Journal

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  1. MissCarly
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    MissCarly Carly

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    We had a nice surprise this afternoon, we are Covid free. We went for a long walk, enjoying the day. Once home Mistress had me make love to her with my strap on. That was as frustrating for me as ever, with my caged clitty below the dildo. To add to my frustration, she had me wear a covid mask, sleep mask, crotchless tights, a long sleeved tee shirt, tube socks, and gloves. As you can see, her purpose was to have me wear a home made sensory deprivation suit, minimizing my humanity while giving her sexual pleasure. In effect, she made me a human dildo, her personal sex toy. While I moved on top of her, she urged me on by telling me that the toy was much better for her than my tiny clitty, and that I'm hung like a girl, etc. When she was finished, she had me strip, lay on my back in the missionary position, and inserted a butt plug inside me. First though she had me lick it and beg her to put it in my ass. She then had me dress and sent me to walk to the store for staples, while still plugged, just to keep me aware of how thoroughly she owns my sissy ass.
    MissCarly curtseys and exits her journal.
     
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    This morning Mistress had me take a picture of the plug in place to send to her boyfriend. Mistress bought a book, which she said the title sounds like it's about her relationship with me. I've also included a comic which Mistress said reminded her of us. Even the skin tones are right. She said she might buy a plunger for me.
    MissCarly curtseys and exits her journal.
     

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    Mistress said that she is going to look for a specialty bra for me, to promote my having tits, unsatisfied with the lack of firmness of my current bra. To that end, if anyone reading this knows of such a bra, please let me know. I'm sure Mistress will appreciate any help in this project.
     
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    Had a good time the other night at a gay bar. Wore my Madonna virus mask, and a black skirt over my pink satin panties and jailbird. Also wore my shoes with 3" heels, to accentuate my ongoing feminization, or as Mistress says, my being eased into a state of being "Gender Queer. After seeing the photos, Mistress said she will have to update my i.d. tag to read, "Sissy Slut" as opposed to, "Submissive Sissy". One of the bartenders agreed to take my photo, a sweet thing to do.
    MissCarly curtseys and exits her journal.
     

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    Just a p.s. concerning the other night at the bar. One of the bartenders asked about the DOLLY tag. When I explained it is the name Mistress wants me known by, as well as put me in a feminine state of mind, to work on erasing whatever residual masculinity I might have, the bartender made a point of calling me Dolly as we talked. An example: "So, Dolly, how has your day been, Dolly? Dolly, do you like your new name, Dolly? Can I get you another beer, Dolly?" You get the idea. It had the combination of being being both empowering (in a submissive, feminizing way) and at the same time humiliating (part of my resisting losing what little was left of my masculine identity). After all, he was deliberately making the point that as far as he was concerned, I was not in the least bit masculine, in fact, he saw me as practically female. After a while I got used to being repeatedly called Dolly, and was aware that I was slowly owning it, my new identity, my new sexuality. Another step taken on the road to becoming (almost) a girl.
    MissCarly (aka Dolly) curtseys and exits her journal.
     
  6. MissCarly
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    Interesting and unexpected way to start the day.
    Mistress had me lay naked on my bed. She straddled me, naked, right above my caged clitty. "Don't you fucking move, sissy.," she said in a low voice , demanding to be obeyed. She spread her lips and slid her fingers inside herself. I felt myself begin to grow in my cage until the bars stopped me. My clitty kept pressing against the bars, trying to get erect, only succeeding in causing me discomfort. As her fingers began to play with her clit, I could feel myself unable to swell any more, but try to do so anyway. Without even touching me, all I could think of was my clitty and the pussy just out of reach. I squirmed with desperate need, which made her smile, knowing all I could think of was her body, of being inside her. She stood up, held her fingers under my nose and reminded me, "That's as close as you get, sissy. Only a real man gets to fuck this pussy, which leaves you out." I desperately wanted to touch myself, jiggle the cage, anything...but I could not disobey Mistress. I was in an agony of lust until my clitty deflated. That's how Mistress amused herself with me this morning, excercising her total control over me, showing me I am nothing to her but a toy to play with. When I mentioned this insight to Mistress, she agreed, as though that should have been obvious to me. She said that I am her sissy girl, not a man, as I had mistakenly believed myself to be. Later she sent me an email, so she would organize her thoughts on my sexuality. Part of what she wrote follows.
    "At heart you have always been a girlish sissy. There is nothing really manly about you, Dolly. You were the shortest boy all through school. Think of all those years you wasted trying to be a male when you were actually a gurl. You always felt physically inferior to your classmates. Well you were. You still are. The real you is no more masculine than Mae West. Think of all the cocks you could have sucked, all the cocks that could have fucked your young, girlish ass. All the alpha males you should have been submitting to. Such a waste. Eventually you will want to wear only girl clothes showing the world your true self. Eventually your clitty will not be able to grow in it's cage, becoming impotent, useless. Together we are training it to remain limp. You will enjoy getting pegged so much more when you have a limp clitty. So girlish. No more unfortunate struggling to get an erection, no boy clothes mocking the real you. To that end, I have thrown away the last of your boy underwear. From now on you will only wear sissy underwear, even to doctor appointments. Likewise, you will remain locked unless the doctor specifically requires that your cage come off. I will remove it in front of him, and relock it as soon as he is finished with you. Know that I am doing this for your own good, because I love you. I love you not as my husband or even just a man, but as a sister and a wife. Once you have read this, come to my bed. I want to make love to my wife, my Dolly. And put on the lipstick I put on your dresser. I want you to make yourself pretty for me."
    Like a dutiful, submissive wife, I obeyed. I now feel more feminine than ever. Also more objectified. Perhaps exactly what Mistress wanted.
    Hugs and kisses to all.
    MissCarly curtseys and exits her journal, feeling half Miss Carly, and half Dolly.
     

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    Mistress decided that my Dolly i.d. tag needed revising. The front remains just "Dolly", but the back now reads SISSY SLUT, ERECTIONS NOT PERMITTED"
    How nice that she doesn't believe in holding anything back.
    Speaking of holding things back, Mistress complemented me for my last post, opening myself completely, restrained by neither pride nor dignity. She said it proves that we are being successful in stripping me of the poisonous aspects of male ego. I guess that was meant as a complement.
    Mistress told me she bought a Halloween costume for me. I could never have guessed what it was she chose. Picture below. Another blow (so to speak) against my quickly disappearing dignity. I wonder what she has in mind.
     

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    #558 MissCarly, Nov 2, 2022
    Last edited: Nov 2, 2022
    Today a pkg arrived for me, containing a "sissy bra", a satin half cup bra, which can be worn with my nipples poking out over the top. I am happy to say that it's comfortable and gives me a sexy feeling. I don't know if it will help me form natural tits, but I can dream. Mistress wants me to wear it 7 days a week, to encourage the process.
    MissCarly curtseys and exits her journal.
     

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    Mistress just unlocked me to measure my clitty at it's softest. She looked at me, smiling, and said, "One inch. One whole inch. Do you think your inch worm could ever satisfy me, or any woman?" I had no choice but to bow my head and say, "No, Mistress." In the time it took her to get my phone to photograph my clitty, I had grown out to about an inch and a half, which displeased her. Mistress then relocked me. She then went on line to share this information with her boy friend, just to give him a laugh. Now I am obsessing over my lack of size.
    MissCarly curtseys and exits her journal.
     

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    Here is an outfit that Mistress calls "minimalist sissy", guaranteed to make the wearer feel emasculated. She wants me to share them to increase my feeling of being "gender."
    MissCarly curtseys and exits her journal.
     

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    Mistress said she would take me out of my cage (a 2 1/4" Jailbird). This she did, taking her time, slowly, lovingly. Yay! I wondered out loud how long it would take my clitty to swell up. She said it had better be quick, because i was going right into the small Jailbird (1 1/2"). Damn! Mistress slowly fed my clitty into the small cage. When she couldn't fit any more of me into the cage, she slowly pushed the cage closer to my body, lining it up with the post for locking it to the base ring. At the end i was starting to swell, but Mistress pressed on, not interested in my discomfort. This left me with a compressed clitty which did not resemble anything a man would be proud to call his own. For some reason I dropped to my knees and hugged her around her legs, fighting back tears. She stroked my head, letting me work through it. I didn't and don't know where that reaction came from. I had been in that cage many times before for extended periods, so it wasn't as though the cage intimidated me. She didn't say why or for how long I will be locked in that cage. My clitty is hers to play with, whenever and however she pleases. I am just it's caretaker.
    MissCarly curtseys and exits her journal.
     

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    Have been taking care of Mistress since she had cancer removed from her face & nose, followed by plastic surgery the following day. She was amazing, no complaints or anything. I try to get her everything she needs/wants, but she can forget she has to sit still. I am in awe of what a strong person she is. She said she might switch my cage to the larger jailbird when she feels better, which will probably be around the end of December. Until then I remain locked in the 1 1/2" jailbird, 24/7. She said having my clitty compressed for that length of time should keep me from thinking about, much less getting, unauthorized erections. The small cage, she told me, is for my own good. It's going to be an interesting month.
     
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    Today, Mistress commented that me in the cage probably creates more of a bulge than my clitty uncaged in panties. I don't know where she was going with that, maybe just a bit of SPH. If that was the case, it worked, especially when she said that I will probably look like a scared baby turtle when my cage next comes off. I have been thinking about that ever since. Obsessing.
    MissCarly curtseys and exits her journal.
     
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    It strikes me that we seem to have turned a corner. Mistress has now said, in no uncertain terms, that one of her goals is to shrink my clitty, not just prevent me from having erections. Not to a predecided size, but to make me as small as possible. And what is more, by making me close the cage's padlock after each thorough cleaning, she has made me an active participant in the shrinkage. To put it another way, she has made me her accomplice. Didn't mean to sound so dramatic, just not sure how I feel about it. She can still disorient me with just a sentence.
    MissCarly curtseys and exits her journal.
     
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    This morning Mistress had me stand in front of her. She got on her knees, as though she was going to blow me, which was out of the question, not just because I was/am caged. Instead she said, "smile" and took the attached photos, and ordered me to post them here. "Just a little something," she said. She got up and walked away humming "It's a Small World.".
    MissCarly curtseys and exits her journal.
     

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    While her nose is healing from the cancer/plastic surgery, Mistrress told me she wants me to sleep next to her in her bed. Although this sounds like a wonderful thing, I had to remind her that sometimes, while dreaming, I have been known to thrash, swinging my arms. The idea of accidentally doing her harm, possibly even permanent damage, terrified me. I devised a solution, taking the waist tie from my robe, tieing one end to my wrist next to her, and tieing that to the other end, which I wrapped around my waist, effectively immobilizing that arm. Mistress liked this, but said I should go online and order a restraint belt with D rings and bondage cuffs, which I did. She said that she would allow me to have my right arm free so I could use the toilet during the night without having to wake her to be freed. She said not only is this a practical solution, it is aesthetically pleasing.
    It wouldn't surprise me if Mistress decides to push the aesthetic envelope by leaning towards the attached photo.
    MissCarly curtseys and exits her journal.
     

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    What a morning. Mistress woke me, informing me that we had no hot water. I went down to the basement, finding that the hot water tank had sprung a leak. We bought a new one, had it installed, and all was back to normal by early afternoon. So much for a quiet day. Mistress told me she was going to give me a handjob. This turned out to be holding her diildo in her hand and using it on my ass.
    MissCarly curtseys and exits her journal.
     
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    Mistress found a new way to tease/torment me. She found 20+ year old photos of my cock and comparing them to my current clitty. It left me feeling humbled and neutered, certainly more unmanly than I ever have. Looking at what I once had, I felt thoroughly sissified. As if that wasn't enough, she wants me to share this gallery of shame. So here is a visual record of my physical transition to being nonbinary GenderNeutral, as Mistress now describes me. She said she can probably get me smaller.
    MissCarly curtseys and exits her journal, her limp clitty tucked into her satin panties. I am definitely no longer a man.
     

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    You were very nice in your prime
     
  20. MissCarly
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    Thank you. It was nice to read that, and it was nice of you to say.
     
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    A pkg arrived today containing a belt with D rings and a pair of leather wrist cuffs, also with D rings. I would one cuff, as mentioned earlier, to immobilize my arm to my waist, to keep me from accidentaly swatting Mistress in the nose while she heals. To both our dismay, the belt was too small, but I was able to Mcgyver an alternative. Mistress approved of the cuffs' size and heavy duty construction. She likes the bondage aspect incorporated into our lives due to necessity. And, she said, the other cuff has many possibilities for moving on to completely immobilizing me.
    MissCarly curtsies and exits her journal.
     

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    Mistress sent me to cruise the Greenwich Village gay bars, tonight, wearing my D cup titties, without the option of taking them off. One more step in my full feminization, shedding the masculinity I am learning to be ashamed of. Bought flavored condoms, expecting giving bj's. Didn't need them. Had a nice time, casual chats nothing erotic. Mistress said it seems that I can't attract even an offer for a bj, or have someone want to play with my pathetic clitty, anymore. Perhsps the need for caging me is now past. She loves teasing me that my "masculinity" is a thing of the past, and that she wouldn't be surprised if I am now incabable of getting an erection much less having an orgasm that wasn't just a "Sorry little dribble, truly laughable." That's my life right now. She fondled my unlocked clitty, and much to my frustration, was unable to get the slightest reaction. Perhaps I have to admit that Mistress has made me impotent. An unhappy thing to contemplate. Mistress told me I was not allowed to wear a mask in the photos, possibly to further my submission.
     

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    Came across the attached and had to share it. I have no idea how old it is.
     

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    Mistress said the attached photos reminded her of me. She said the drawing is how she wants me to look.
     

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    [A pkg arrived today containing a belt with D rings and a pair of leather wrist cuffs, also with D rings. I would use one cuff, as mentioned earlier, to immobilize my arm to my waist, to keep me from accidentaly swatting Mistress in the nose while she heals. To both our dismay, the belt was too small, but I was able to Mcgyver an alternative. Mistress approved of the cuffs' size and heavy duty construction. She likes the bondage aspect incorporated into our lives due to necessity. And, she said, the other cuff has many possibilities for moving on to completely immobilizing me.]

    Attached is a photo of my wrist in restraint, to protect Mistress' nose while healing. She indicated that she might require me to have some form of restraints when she permits me to share her bed.
    Mistress said that as soon as the weather warms up she will send me out to a couple of bars in the city, wearing my tits, lipstick, nail polish, and girly blouse, to continue my feminization training. I find myself looking forward to being Dolly again.
    MissCarly curtsies and exits her journal.
     

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