My Hands Free Journal

10-18-19
The lock didn't fit the Jailbird so I use it to lock the keys. Ingenuity!
Testing the feel of a more restrictive cage, a Holy Trainer knockoff. Inside diameter of the tube is tight when flacid and too short as soon as I try to get hard. Shuts down any erection growth right away. I find this both distracting and erotic. That must be my inner sub talking. As a grower, when not getting an erection, I fit into the cage compressed but comfortably. With this device any skin to skin contact is impossible. I have become almost constantly aware of my penis by how much it 's pressing against the tube. Have learned to treasure erections and orgasms. Even a ruined O relieves some built up pressure.
45 days without a release with 2 more weeks of denial scheduled before I can spin the Wheel again. And as an added refinement, should the Wheel land on allowing for an O, a second wheel is spun with an even chance it will be denied, and I'll have to lock up again without a release. Better luck next time.

 

10-20-19
Realized there's a slight problem with the new device. Urine does not fully drain from the tube necessitating frequent cleaning, making it unsuitable for long term lockup. So it's back in the Jailbird.
I've adjusted the Wheel for less frequent spins which makes for fewer chances for orgasms per month. This should build up anticipation and frustration while promising nothing. It could easily be months before the next one. Here's a fun thought: it could even be a year or more. Yikes!
I have ordered a Chinese steel cage (designated A271, is anyone familiar with this?) to continue testing a more restrictive device which will prohibit erections as well as orgasms, for extended lockup . The journey continues.

 

10-23-19
More thoughts about the Holy Trainer. My go-to cage is the Jailbird which allows for relatively considerable growth when aroused and some increase in girth. Now the new HT requires concerted stuffing when flacid and allows a slight lengthing when aroused. In other words, I can get a little growth when trying to get erect and absolutely no thickening as I started out with a tight fit. I reiterate this to lead up to my new insight about using the HT: when aroused while wearing it, the HT is uncomfortable or downright painful. I believe that this is the level of frustration sought after that I've read about. I had looked at a porn clip a little earlier resulting in ...well the attempt at an erection. Perhaps a "nonrection"? I never wanted out of the cage so badly! The pressure felt like it wouldn't go away and I knew I wouldn't have an orgasm while locked. My focus was entirely on my cock and how trapped it was, how much I wanted to finish that erection and get the release of an orgasm. I wanted to rip the cage off me, like Superman would free Lois Lane from evil clutches. It was the part of chastity I hadn't really experienced until today, not to that extreme. I am actually proud of myself for not getting the key from my desk. No wonder chastity is an excellent tool to train /control a sub or slave. The mere possibility of release from that level of frustration, that discomfort, could easily cause a man to readily surrender his will to his KH. Tease and denial would be a way of asserting dominance and forging a bond as strong as the best of marriages, almost religious in it's ritual. Well those are my thoughts on the subject to date. Thanks for reading.

 

10-26-19
Here's something I hadn'd planned on. Earlier I had decided to spin the Wheel of Chastity to see what awaited me for the next 30 days or so. Total orgasm denial. So I took another spin. And then another. You get the idea. The results for now through December 2020 are a few scattered ruined Os and one O in November of next year and one in December. To put it another way, my next orgasm is a little over a year away. Maybe I'll learn to play an instrument. Wow, that was Freudian!

 

1-28-19
The new cage arrived today . Happy to say the base ring fits perfectly and the cage itself provides the shortness and compression I was looking for. And the lightness makes it comfortable. I think it's gonna be my daily wear chastity.

 

One thing about the new cage is that it slides down until it snugs against the balls. I suppose that's normal, nothing to be concerned about.

 

I agree that my current situation has the psychological and physical back door of instant release. A timed lock box would be a solution but I want to make certain I have the right device, one that will fit comfortably for long term wear. That process includes regular inspections to check for abrasions, etc. I also have some concern about how locks are affected bby soapy water, and the general reliability and sturdiness of the low profile lock (the one that slides in/out on the key). There is also the worry of doing some damage to having my penis locked for extended periods. No point in getting a timer box until I'm satisfied about those issues. So far the new cage is the most impressive. I can order the smaller ring next week as the seller is on vacation until then. Other than having a key holder, the timed box is best because I realize that my chastity is my decision moment to moment, which removes a level of frustration and surrender of control. I can even see timing the box for regular washing/inspections and then relocking for another month or whatever period of access denial makes sense. While a kh can make that decision, I will have to plan ahead. I think I'm closing in on getting this right.
Thanks for your interest and advice.

 

11-11-19
Just looked at a calendar and found out it's been 69 days without the release of an orgasm. A new personal best by a long shot. No pun intended.

 

11-11-19 part 2
I had an aha moment earlier while responding to a comment in one of my galleries. I was writing about how when my small cage is showing through my underwear, it represents the size of my cock which while locked, is small. And unless it springs back when unlocked, it will remain a small cock. Which makes me wonder if it will return to normal size. Or is small my new normal? Would the sensible thing be to tuck it away in a full belt giving me a smooth front and stop agonizing over it or just stop obsessing and keep going as I am. Except for ego, size doesn't really matter any more and I'm probably overthinking it.

 

Thanks, sissybitch. Wise words. Just a passing bout of insecurity. BTW, glad you liked the photos

 

Just checked. 90 days without release. Unlocked for cleaning only. 1 exception was able to j.o. today racing a random timer. I lost and had to lock back up without even a ruined o, more frustrated than before. Rules are rules. Later wife asked if I was still wearing the cage. When I said yes she gave me a little smile and went back to her book. First remote sign of interest in chastity. I don't want to make anything of it. Just wait and see.

 

12-6-19
I mentioned to the wife that this coming Thursday (12-12) will mark 100 continuous days locked with normal exceptions made for cleaning. And 124 days orgasm free. She seemed surprised and said she wanted to think about that and we'd talk about it Thursday. Maybe I'll get a cupcake with a candle in it. Or a scolding. Time will tell. Meantime I will try not to obsess over the upcoming day 100.

 

A surprising thing happened early this morning. My wife and I were dozing in bed holding hands when I gently placed her hand on my cage. She didn't move her hand away, as she has done other times. Eventuslly she rolled over so I did the same, spooning her, slowly humping between her ass cheeks. Again there was no resistance. Later I asked her to hold my cage enclosed cock, which she did. I explained to her that I needed her touch, and the concept of randomly turning me on with her hand without any completion. In other words, tease and denial. She said ok but sounded unsure about it. In all fairness it is an unusual request. I also told her that my cage would not allow me to get erections or ejaculate. She seemed tentatively on board with this unexpected proposal. This might sound minor but believe me, it was a major step. As might be expected, even the possibility of her even limited participation makes me happy. Unfortunately she has a habit of misplacing or even losing things, currently her cell phone. Obviously I won't suggest she be my key holder. Talk about permanent chastity!

 

Thanks to Sissygal, bondinchas, and tomf_22033 for reading my journal. I feel like something will happen this week. I don't want to reiterate what I've writtten earlier, but I'm sure she has no interest in chastity except to discuss it. That openness is what I'm hoping for. We shall see.
Sissygal, I like your red corset.

 

12-9-19

I tried to bring up the subject of chastity today but she cut me off saying she had told me we would discuss it Thursday to mark 100 days locked. The no nonsense tone shut me right up. I feel like I screwed up being impatient. I hate it when she's annoyed.

 

12-12-19
Reached 100 days locked this morning. But the big event was being nudged by my wife at midnight. She said it was Thursday and time for the talk. I figured she'd wait until after breakfast, but that shows how little I know. So we talked about Chastity, me telling her some of the different ways people approach it as I've learned here. I would be submissive to her, not a slave. This meant that our relationship would not incorporate pain. We discussed and agreed that caning, etc was not our thing. She told me she had expected me to bring up the subject of chastity again and wanted to be ready for it. So she did some research. This was a couple of months ago. I had no idea. So we agreed we ought to write down the rules we would both adhere to. Next surprise was she had already written down rules. She added to it based on our conversation. Here is what she presented to me:
1. In private, wife is to be addressed as Sir when she puts on a decorative key necklace. I would be refered to as sub. No name.
2. Always defer to Sir at home and in public.
3. Keep pubic hair shaved smooth.
4. Will be given daily chores.
5. With the exception of medical appointments, and hygene maintenance, sub will be locked at all times. There are no "Free Days."
6. Do not ask for sex, you aren't getting any.

At this point she handed me a small box. She said "this is for you". It contained a micro cage. She really had planned this thoroughly. She then told me as she knew we would agree that she would not beat me, she needed to think of another form of punishment, something both physical and mental. So she added item 7 .

7. Punishment will consist of no less than 1 week in the micro. No appeals. Wear panties provided by Sir when locked in micro and whenever told to.
Do not complain, you asked for this.

I never expected that she would embrace this so completely. She told me that I could stop at any time but if I did, that would be the end of it. It was in her power to suspend Chastity, but if I wanted to stop, it would be permanent.
The sudden reversal threw me. This was our first exchange of power. My answer would literally decide the rest of my life. I said "yes".

 

1. But we weren't finished. After breakfast, Sir explained that as i had annoyed her with talk of chastity, she would punish me today. She told me to put on the new cage in the bedroom and return for her to see. She handed me a key with the lock. I found it difficult to get the cage pins aligned properly with the ring. Eventually I succeeded and returned for inspection. She said something like "wow, it's gone!" Sir then told me to put my hands behind my back while she she stroked, squeezed and lifted the new package. Sh said that I wouldn't see her dick again until she lets me out next Thursday. She then let go of me and handed me a new pair of red panties. She didn't say anything so I put them on. Cute, she said. I handed her the key. Sir had me kneel and padlocked a chain around my neck with the other cage key attached to it with a link. She told me the padlock key and the spare key were going into a piggy bank which she would glue shut. She then told me that to avoid confusion when she tells me to put it on, she would give the cage a name. She said it's name is Holly, after Holly Hunter, a very small actress, because the cage is small just like the cock inside it. Being able to feel my cock pushed inside me, I realized she was right. Sir advised me that there would be more rules later. Sir then told me to get dressed and do the dishes. When I finished we would go shopping. I sit here waiting for us to go.

 

So we went shopping. I got behind the wheel and Sir stood next to the car. I got it, I got out and held open the passenger door. Sir said Masters don't ride next to subs. Got it. I opened the door to the back seat. Sir got in, I got in and we were off. Sir directed me to a nearby department store. She led me to the women's lingerie section. A saleswoman came over to meet us. She looked to be in her 50s and pretty. Sir said this is the man I told you about. The saleswoman asked what kind of panties I was interested in. I replied as I had been instructed on the drive over. After a selection had been agreed upon, Sir told me to go into the changing room and try on a pair. This I did feeling very self conscious. Sir opened the changing room door and eyed me slowly. She stepped aside revealing the saleswoman standing behind her. The saleswoman said "she's so pretty." They chatted a bit about outfits that would look good on me. I felt myself blush with embarressment. I realized that the saleswoman was a good friend of Sir's and Sir was having fun with my pride. Sir told me to put my pants on and pick up my packages. We drove home in an easy silence. I was told to put away our purchases and join Sir in the living room. Sir then told me she knew that being truly submissive wasn't in my nature but she would train me. Pride and ego were things that a sub should only have in relation to serving his Master. I reflected on Sir having a degree in psychology and how she had done research on chastity for months and how she was better prepared to be a domme than I had realized. Sir smiled and took off her key necklace and kissed me gently. She said quietly, "we're going to have fun."
I'm still getting used to wearing Holly. I feel the frequent need to urinate without actually being able to pee. I put this down to the head of my penis pressed against Holly. I expect I will get used to this. It is also a bit disconcerting to reach down to my crotch and not feel my penis, either free or in a cage. I hadn't realized how much of my self image was connected to my penis. I tried on a pair of my pouch underwear and found the pouch to be mostly empty. My balls didn't fill them. I find it frustrating to have to pull down my pants and sit in order to urinate. And then to have to wipe myself afterwards. My body is conditioned to defecate when sitting so I have to learn to isolate the pee urge. This is giving me some small insight into what women have to live with. I am curious how I'll manage this in the city, where not all men's rooms have stalls. I'll have to scope out the men's room situation before having a drink, even it is just club soda.
Here is a photo of me wearing Holly. I've learned that the lips protruding from the bowl are super sensitive when they rub against my panties.

 

Yes, I was ssurprised at how well she took to it, but then again she's very smart and thorough in everything she does. If I had to guess, she has found a focus and an unexpected way to connect with me which has been missing.
She's had a long fight with pain which caused her to retire early. I am impressed with her resilience and loving spirit. But to answer your question, her interest in sex ended years ago. The reason I self locked was that I knew that sex was off the table for us, and as I made a promise "in sickness and in health" chastity seemed the right course.

 

12-19-19
After a week in the micro I can honestly that I hate it. The whole sit to pee thing is more than annoying, finding a seat in a restaurant, etc that I would feel comfortable sitting on was often frustrating, and most important of all is that pee would not completely drain from the cage. Add that to my having sensitive skin, resulted in my now having to take a break from being locked. Learn by doing. Sir riubbed calming cream on my penis and said that as I was sore there she didn't need to worry about my being tempted to masturbate for a few days. I wonder what she'll come up with as a replacement punishment.

 

12-26-19
No socks this year. Instead I was told Sir had good news and bad news for me. The good news was the present of a pink Cherry Keeper belt with Headlock. Very light, comfortable, and secure, with bars to make it airy, suitable for 24/7 locking. Had to try it on immediately. Love it. Then I was presented with the bad news. I was also gifted with the Cherry Keeper Micro, also in pink, as my new punishment device. Was told to try it on as well. This device defines compression. My cock completely disappeared, the cap part almost totally engulfed by the loose skin of my balls, with only the cock lips peeking out. Sir said she could see my clitty. For all purposes my cock had been removed. A test showed that sitting to pee was absolutely necessary. Fortunately I was told to switch back to the other CK cage after a couple of hours. I think the timing was to make me sweat out the possibility of a much longer time in it, and maybe to plant the thought of permanent shrinkage from long term wearing. I don't know if that's a real concern, but, well, yikes. Sir named the micro " Gigi" after the movie about transforming a young girl into a sophisticated woman. Not sure I like where this might be headed. Below are photos of me wearing the 2 cages.

 

Strange thing happened yesterday morning around 4:30. We had both woken up and were cuddling when without a word she reached into my pj's and began to fondle my package. I could tell when she touched my cage but had no direct sensation. Then she held my balls and began rubbing and squeezing them. This soon moved from erotic to uncomfortable to slightly painful. I wanted to tell her to go easy but was afraid she'd not be happy with my directing her first sexual touching of me in years and end our new relationhip immediately, so I just lay there and took it. I squirmed, try
ng not to move, as she squeezed. Without saying a word she removed her hand and rolled over. I caught my breath and found that my cock was trying to get erect, needing desperately to orgasm. It was painful. I was almost in a panic of horniness. I wanted to ask her to unlock me but was certain she would end it because I couldn't take being denied my first erection since she agreed to participate in my chastity. With all my willpower I managed to keep quiet. Eventually my cock stopped straining against the cage, the near overwhelming need for release died down, and I was able to relax. I took her silence as my cue to stay quiet too. I went back to sleep. She made no mention of it nor touched me sexually since. The suspense is an almost physical ache. For the first time I can fully appreciate the phrase "she's got me by the balls." Lol.