My first sexual rejection and path to submission

I've never written about my very first sexual experience & rejection. I'm not sure why. Maybe I surpressed the memory.

Bad girls turn me on! The ones who like bad boys, dress provocatively, tease boys like me mercilessly, and then run off to fuck worthy men. These were my private thoughts when my own sexuality through puberty was beginning to dominate me, humiliate me, and fill me with guilt when I jacked off to images of strong females who hurt me physically and emotionally because of my inadequacies. Why would I have such thoughts in my high school days when I hadn't had any sexual contact yet with a woman?

Something was wrong. I would look in the mirror and there was no pubic hair at all. Here I was, a teenager and my body refused to grow any hair around my genitals. I stopped going to gym class because of the public shower after class. It was embarassing. At night, I would try so hard not to touch myself. I was beginning to crave sex and yet I knew something was wrong. My fantasies had me on my knees begging a girl to give me some sexual favor. It was all in my head. In reality, most of my days were consumed with school work and home work. Under the cover of darkness, in my room, before falling asleep, I would touch my bald penis and testicles. It felt so good.

Until the door to my room opened. I froze and was exposed to my sister and her girlfriend. We lived in separate rooms upstairs in my parents house. There was an doorway to the outside in my room. My sister and her girlfriend (who I had a crush on, of course) were sneaking out of the house. They assumed I was asleep and I indulged them in that thought by pretending to be asleep, except for my erection. It wasn't standing up or anything. My penis was extended along my pubic bone.

When they saw me they stopped and looked. I was aroused that they were looking at my penis. They were looking because it was a train wreck and they couldn't help but stare at it. Then came the giggling and the whispers. Over the next few months, they snuck out of the house through my bedroom several times a week. I pretended to be asleep each time (and I really was asleep many times). But, one night, early on in this sexual ritual, they stopped, giggled, and whispered just loud enough for me to hear their curiosity that a penis and testicles could be so tiny and have no public hair.

I did finally begin growing pubic hair but it looked stupid as I got used to having a bald penis. I have kept myself completely shaved ever since. I knew from this experience that I had a tiny penis but I desperately tried to have sex with a girl. I was a virgin until my senior year of college. All through high school and college, my submissive thoughts grew and deepened.

marcus

 

Thank you for your comments. I hope to encourage more.

High School and College were filled with intense frustration for me. I had school work, part time job, and extra curricular activities which kept me busy. But, there were several girls who made my lust for sex with them zoom to an uncontrollable level. I am sure it was very amusing for them to "feel" my lust pulsating when I was near them. Sexual rejection and offers of "friendship" were my reward. And indeed, I did have several very close female "friends". I couldn't help but talk about sex with them (hopeful for actual intimacy but the result was a kind of phone sex experience). I can laugh about this now but a couple of them reported to me that my conversations made them so horny they had to run home and fuck their boyfriends (my first taste of cuckolding).

About mid way through college, a girl did allow me to become intimate with her. There were rules. I could summon up all my submissive need to worship her as a Goddess but she would have nothing to do with my penis. I agreed. She was not a Domme. She wanted to experience intimacy but did not want to lose her virginity. It was so intense and put a lot of pressure on me. She experienced several pleasurable evenings with me as I worshipped every part of her. Finally, I was able to have some kind of intimate contact with a woman and it was every bit as good as I thought/fantasized it would be. I just wasn't allowed that ultimate pleasure of her hands, mouth or pussy on my penis.

Over the next few years, I discovered that when I became intimate with a woman, I spent all of my energy worshipping her. My brain would short circuit with lust. Erections would not happen. It got plenty hard when my hand would touch my penis while I was alone. But, when an erection was needed for penetration, it did not happen. This only drove me further in to submission. Feelings of unworthiness filled me with anxiety. This problem would happen on every sexual experience right up until now. A few girls hung in there and if we had intimacy several times, I would eventually get comfortable with her and have an erection. Then came the big letdown for her. My erection would grow to about 3 1/2 inches. I really lust for big girls with large breasts and huge ass. My tiny erection made several sexual positions impossible. Generally, the only penetration success I have ever had was when the girl would get on top.

Actual penetration sex with women was rare. The few long term relationships I had the girl cheated on me (privately). As I got older, cuckolding seemed the only successful outcome. I did pay for dominant females from time to time. All these experiences led me to my current relationship. She has lovers and I get to sleep in my own bed with her used panties. I worship her asshole almost daily.

marcus

 

My wife has a very high sex drive! For a while there, we thought her lover of several years was going to move in with us. I think that was just a fantasy but he has stayed with us for a week every now and then. They will have sex every day when he is with us. When he is gone, my wife's sex drive drops to zero. I am generally nude but she treats me like a eunuch. When he is nude, she is all over his cock. The difference in her sexual attitude between the two of us is -- well, for lack of a better way to put it -- it is the way it is. Sexual attraction, lust and desire cannot be forced. He turns her on sexually and I do not.

She never, ever, allows a lover near her asshole. It turns her off in a big way. However, from our very first night together she indulged me as I begged to worship her asshole. All night long, that first night, I worshipped her asshole and feet. That has been my sex life with her ever since. During the first couple of years of our relationship, she did watch me sniff her panties and jerk off. This became less and less frequent as she enjoyed putting me in to chastity. She finally confessed that watching me dribble out cum and have an orgasm seemed terribly wrong and really turned her off. She just couldn't force herself to watch or have anything to do with my sexual pleasure. When I worship her asshole, I never erect, but I do leak long strings of precum. This bothers her too and she bought me dozens of thick baby socks years ago. I must wear one over my penis when I worship her asshole. Her lover, on the other hand, is a totally different story. She loves sucking his cock. His cum will be all over her bedsheets as it leaks out of her pussy.

Jealousy and envy were the two emotions that I struggled to control. Now, I might as well have my testicles cut off as I am functionally a eunuch. Inside I still have lust and outside my penis will still leak precum. But, functionally, I am like the millions of eunuch males over the centuries who helped their Domina have great sex.

My next post will describe my insane guilt feelings when I do have an orgasm (which is very rare and in private). These feelings began many years before I met my wife. But, her feelings towards my sexuality have greatly increased my feelings of guilt (and selfishness) when I give myself any kind of sexual pleasure and especially orgasm.

marcus

 

Thank you subklik. Your encouragement is very much needed.

Some of you, I am sure, are wondering why the heck I am in this relationship. Surely, I could go out and find a woman somewhere to provide me sexual pleasure. I want to assure all of you who may have this thought, that I am in the relationship I am supposed to be in. I deserve every second of complete sexual denial. I deserve to see my wife parade around our home nude some days and fiendishly keeping herself dressed on most other days. I deserve to be completely nude and constantly humiliated as she looks at my nude body and genitals without the slightest thought of any intimacy. If I beg her to let me sniff and worship her asshole, she will smile an evil grin, bend over our livingroom chair and present her ass to me. I could, of course, walk over with an erection and fuck her doggy style. In our first couple of years together she kind of expected me to do just that. I know she thought to herself, I wonder if today he will "man up" and fuck me. As the weeks and months passed and I submissively crawled over to her and worshipped her asshole, she finally concluded that I am far too weak to ever fuck her. Now, if I tried such a stunt, she would deny me access to the scent of her asshole that I crave.

We both know that intimacy is only granted when I beg to sniff her asshole. Otherwise, we can go weeks or months with absolutely no intimact contact at all. I've tested this several times. Sex is her ass or it is nothing. I can't imagine life without her. Most of our time is "outside" the bedroom doing ordinary "couple" activities. It's all good. I can't help but feel lust when she is nude. I resist for awhile. I always end up on my knees sniffing and licking her asshole.

Go ahead and check out any porn site. Look at all the homemade videos. Never have I seen a penis less than 3 inches... not one time (unless I search for it and those videos are all small penis humiliation (SPH)). My life experiences and all the porn out there have taught me that 3 inches or less is simply something a woman giggles at. Add to this physical limitation an overwhelming submissive attitude and complete anxiety about sex and you end up a woman's asshole cleaner.

Am I happy? Absolutely! I sniff her panties every night. I worship her asshole most every morning. I listen or watch her have fantastic and intense "Alpha" sex regularly. This is far better than jacking off alone and using my credit card for phone sex (FemDomme phone sex, I might add).

marcus

 

Interestingly (to me at least), I never think about my actual penetration with a woman anymore. I adore women. I am enslaved by my attraction and lust for women. I have nasty private thoughts when I see an attractive woman and luckily they are private. If I see or meet a woman and I find her attractive, I usually will begin staring at her feet, I imagine myself on my knees worshipping them. Then I quickly turn my attention to her ass. I wonder if I would get intoxicated with lust from sniffing her asshole. I love large female asses. I love the thought of being on my knees kissing her ass. I have kissed my wife's ass in public and a couple of times did it while she was flirting with a "real" man. As my fantasy thought of kissing the ass of a woman I just casually met deepens, I then consider the humiliation of kissing and worshipping her ass when she may have just that morning had intense sex. Her lover's cum is running out of her pussy and in to her panties while I am on my knees kissing and sniffing her ass.

My fantasies match my sex life now.

marcus

 

Arousal without release is my toughest challenge. I have long since gotten over my jealousy and envy towards my wife and her lover. They both have a lot of sexual pleasure and orgasms. They are eager to pleasure one another. It is arousing for me to listen to them have sex. I am also aroused almost daily sniffing my wife's asshole or drinking her delicious golden nectar. At night, I sleep with a pair of her panties. However I get to indulge myself with her scent and along with my deep submission to her, I will leak pre cum. I never have erections so I cannot demonstrate arousal in that way. She doesn't want me to have sexual pleasure. She wants me to vicariously enjoy sexual pleasure through her. She has no interest in helping or even just watching me jack off and cum. If she sees pre cum dripping from my penis, she is disgusted.

We have discussed removing my testicles many times over the years. This may happen and I would be willing. We have a permanent chastity device picked out but have not implemented it (for a lot of boring reasons). So, at night, in my bed, sniffing her scented panties, I am aroused. I reach down and touch myself. I can feel the cold piercing jewlery. The steel reminds me that my penis is useless to women and especially repulsive to my Goddess wife. Guilt fills my mind as I continue to touch myself. The war between guilt and sexual pleasure rages on every single time I try to give myself sexual pleasure.

Guilt wins out almost every single time. My enslavement is all day and every day. There have been plenty of great opportunities for me to make myself cum over the years. And yet the guilt stops me. I am not worthy of sexual pleasure, primarily because I cannot provide my wife with sexual pleasure. It is my long periods of orgasm denial that pleasures her, turns her on, improves her sex life with her lover. She has told me this over and over. It turns her on to see me filled with lust for her but no release. It turns her on that I would deny myself any sexual pleasure so she can have better sex with her lover.

It feels like we are living centuries ago and I am her eunuch servant. I am in her life to serve her and enhance her sex life with her lover. She accepts me as her sexless servant as if it were the most natural relationship in the world.

marcus