Love and Denial - Year 2

That is indeed very sad. What is worse is his daughter at that age will not remember him. My real father died when I was about that age and I have pictures of him but no memories. My Mother died when she was just 57 and left a huge hole in my life and that of many other people. Her demise was something similar to your friend although she did last a bit longer. We were lucky in the way we got to spend a final Christmas with her and we got to say goodbye. My best friend, he was my Best Man at my wedding and I was his Best Man at his wedding, basically drank himself to death by the age of 43. We didn't get to say goodbye. He was rushed into hospital and died from a heart attack. Bang. Gone.

Both experiences (I recently saw a film that talked about how death happens to you but is experienced by everyone else) have marked me and made me realise that I need to grasp every day and get the most out of it that I can. It has made me want to live more healthily, both in general life terms but also with regards to my mental health. Part of this is how I approach my relationship with my Wife. This chastity arrangement has brought us much closer together and is making sure that whatever happens I am building up all sorts of memories and experiences I would otherwise not have had.

Before chastity a normal evening would have been spent together but with a distance between my Wife and myself. I would have been on my iPad or computer, maybe even with headphones on listening to music. We might have watched some TV together but with me on my sofa, Elle on hers, if I wasn't interested in the program I would probably continue to look at stuff on my iPad.

Now I generally sit with her, usually on the floor at her feet. She often uses my legs as a foot rest. We spend time doing all sorts of other things together, me reading to her, doing her toes, giving her face masks, massages, or just sitting and talking. My iPad is away until she is otherwise occupied with work or is busy doing something else. We spend hours together every day, a significant increase on the time we spent together before. The way this has made us stronger as a couple is noticeable to the people who know us.

Carpe Diem, people. Sieze the day.

Unless you are a vampire, then it is Carpe Jugulum. Go for the throat. A quote from the much missed Terry Pratchett.

 

There has been little chance of me being able to pleasure Elle so far this year. Most of the time she has been busy or tired. Last weekend for instance we were crazy busy, working until late in the evenings. Things have also been busy for Elle at work so she has also not been in the mood for anything in the evenings.

That doesn't mean that nothing is happening at all. There hasn't been a single day when we have not had a sensual and intimate cuddle. I have read to her several times and most days Elle spends some time having fun with me. Last night, as I started to clean my teeth before bed, she suddenly tweaked my left nipple. She giggled when she saw how fast this had an affect on my Holy Trainer as it started to twitch. As I was trying to clean my teeth she started sucking my nipple. Within about 30 seconds my HTv2 was jutting out away from my body as far as it could go.

Elle had unlocked me from my HTv2 at the weekend as I am still having issues with my skin becoming irritated. I have ordered a metal device from ebay that is a bit more open and hopefully the extra air will help. She didn't lock me up again until Tuesday evening and I didn't suggest she do anything about it. I was both enjoying the chance to have some unrestrained erections and worrying that she was going off of locking me up.

Tuesday evening we started messing about on her bed and she took me to the point where I was really turned on and beginning to get to the stage where I would start to feel like begging for the chance to pleasure her. I had been kissing her back and caressing her sides and legs. She was pressing her bum up against my erect penis, enjoying my shuddering reactions and moans of restrained pleasure. Then, all of a sudden, she told me to stop and read to her.

I rolled off of her back onto the bed and struggled to get a hold of my rampant emotions. I realised that she was serious and now was not the time to push anything. I wasn't aware of just how important my decision was until later when she had turned the key in the lock of my HTv2. I asked her why did she decide to stop things, didn't she want me to carry on and give her more? It was early enough, we weren't busy for once.

Elle said that she decided to stop because I was unlocked. Despite all we have done and said this past year she still felt that with me unlocked the pressure was on her to conform to my desire for her, that there might be some need on my part for reciprocation. In a way this disappointed me as I have done everything I can to try and make sure this is not how she feels. She had tested me, to make sure that I would follow her instructions. If I had tried to push her into letting me do something then she would not have been the one in control, this entire chastity thing would still be more about me than her, and that would have upset her. In a way it could have even ruined and ended what we are trying to do.

Elle has to be in the mood for pleasure. If her head is not in the right place, if she is thinking about work, or family, whatever, then there is no point trying to do anything. What she does need is a lot of intimacy without the pressure of needing sex to happen. I am so glad I did as I was told as the response from Elle was pleasure at my obvious struggle to comply. It also answered my worries that she was going off of locking me up. If she needs that security to feel truly comfortable denying me then I can expect to be locked up for however long she requires it. She has heard about the honour method but isn't wanting to use it because of the symbolic nature of the device. It helps me remember what I have promised and it has helped her relax and get over any feelings of guilt or pressure. After decades of social pressure and programming that sees the male orgasm as the goal of sex then the fact it is taking her more than a year to reprogram her feelings about this should come as a surprise.

She is after all doing pretty well. I am one day away from five months in this current denial period. Every day adds another to the longest period of denial she has imposed so far.

 

The clock has been reset. Five months and one day after my last orgasm Elle gave me permission to have full, wonderful, fabulous PIV sex with her this morning.

I had taken her a coffee while she was still in bed and we had laid together, having a cuddle. Ellle had said that it was time to get up and I had laid on top of her, kissing her and stroking her hair. All of a sudden she just said it. Do you want to make love? I don't mind admitting that I was momentarily confused.

No! Er.... yes! Am I allowed to cum? I won't last long!

I actually managed to last quite a while, not quite long enough for Elle, but it was absolutely incredible. The feelings were immediately intense and I knew I would be able to cum as soon as I started.

The build up alone was one of the most intense sexual experiences I have ever had. It was as if the pressure build that is the precursor to the orgasm itself just kept increasing and wasn't ready to blow. Elle was apparently wondering whether I was enjoying the sensations or whether I was in pain as I was shouting so much. When the orgasm hit the shouting increased and I was left a shuddering, whimpering, almost crying and laughing at the same time, mess.

Elle had quite a glow to her face when we finished. I apologized for not lasting longer and she told me not to be silly, she had thoroughly enjoyed it. Apparently I had turned her on with how gentle my hugs and kisses had been and she had realized how much she had wanted me when I laid on top of her.

Elle patted me on the cheek and told me to move so she could go to the bathroom. She looked at me sternly for a moment and told me that this was no excuse to misbehave! I promised that I wouldn't.

What a fabulous way to start the day.

 

Elle was very satisfied! She looked happy all day and kept patting me on the cheeks (face and bottom, either lol) The intensity of my orgasm and the fact that I wasn't immediately suffering from any post orgasm drop or bad behavior also helped her.

I must admit that part of my confusion when she gave me permission to have an orgasm was I was expecting at least another month of denial and was preparing myself for much more.

The odd thing was I was immensely hungry for the rest of the day and tired really easily.

 

Elle is getting me to read How to set up an FLR by Georgia Ivey Green to her. This is a major step for us as usually I'm not allowed to talk about any of this stuff apart from on a Saturday. Also this was her idea, which is a major shift in attitude. I told her about this book and it's ideas months ago and she wasn't interested. Then, back when she had been working at her company headquarters, we did the questionnaire that identified what sort of relationship you were already in. This firmly placed us within a shipboard cooperative mix and more importantly showed how close our outlook was towards our relationship and how we wanted it to develop.

Doing this questionnaire was the first time my Wife voiced her desire that I keep myself neat and tidy for her at all times, whether we are together or not. Before my personal grooming was left up to me but this has now become another one of our informal rules. We don't have a contract, but we do have vocal rules.

I read the first few chapters of the FLR book one night last week while Elle had a bath and she found herself agreeing with much of what Georgia had written. Tonight I applied a face mask on Elle and while she relaxed read the next few chapters. Elle again found herself in agreement with everything that had been written. The good thing is that when I get to the sections which are more BDSM and chastity orientated Elle won't feel that Georgia is completely different to her, hopefully she will listen to the ideas and not be turned off by them. We will see.

 

The new device I ordered from China was a failure. It was well made, smooth, comfortable when I wasn't aroused. But, when I was aroused, it became unwearable. The ring I ordered was much smaller than the Holy Trainer ring I wear, so I am not sure what happened there. maybe I ordered the wrong size. The design of the head wasn't suitable for my modified glans and allowed too much stimulation, not all of it good.

Most importantly was the fact that Elle didn't like it. She wasn't happy with how small it was. It really scrunched my penis up into the tube and as far as she was concerned did not fit her demands for a device at all. I also had severe issues getting both testicles through the ring. It wasn't the fact that the ring was tight around me once I was wearing it but how difficult it was to squeeze my two guys through the ring. It was worse trying to get it off which also helped Elle decide it is not suitable.

The positive thing is that I found all that out by buying a cheaper mass produced device and not a really expensive custom device. It has also made Elle much happier with the idea of buying a Looker 2 from Steelworks as we can define how long a cage I am put in. Given the price differential between this Chinese device and the Looker 2 if this one had been OK then I would not have needed the more expensive option.

So, back into the HTv2 until we can afford to go halfsies on a Looker 2.

 

Elle and I had a quiet day together yesterday. The best part of all of this is how intimate we have become in just our day to day lives. After a week of no sexual contact I asked Elle if I had become boring after she allowed me to have an orgasm last week, to which I got a thorough telling off! She assured me that I wasn't boring at all, despite all that fizz being allowed to subside as a side effect of the orgasm. She allowed me to give her a Yoni Massage which was absolutely fabulous. I love seeing her melt into the attention of my hands. What a rush.

My much missed Mansion friend @KatyTwilight sent me the link for instructions on how to do a Yoni massage and it has become my Wife's favourite thing. If you haven't read the article on the link or had a go with your partner then I totally recommend that you do.

This morning I took Elle a coffee while she had a lie in. We cuddled and then, as she played with my ear and turned me on, she gave me permission to pleasure her with cunnilingus. What a perfect way to start a Sunday.

Oops, is that the time!? I have tasks to do!

 

Before chastity became my default lifestyle with Elle as my Keyholder and now Mistress sex was all about the quest for an orgasm. I would have been confused had anyone asked me if we ever had sex without even trying to have an orgasm. What on earth would be the point? One or both of us would have to have an orgasm or the attempt to have sex would be deemed a failure. That failure would lead to disappointment and upset. Elle would try to tell me it was OK, but I always felt bad if this happened. If I came and she didn't I was disappointed, if she did and I didn't I would be frustrated and would usually end up having a very lonely and unsatisfactory masturbation.

This is no longer the case. It occurred to me yesterday that we regularly have sex and not go as far as trying to have an orgasm. These are the times when we get really intimate with each other, exploring each others bodies and minds, turning each other on to ever higher levels. The calm down period is usually pretty intense as well, more for me than Elle. She seems to be able to say that it is time to stop with ease.

Yesterday evening Elle decided to have a shower to wash her hair ready for her return to work Monday morning. Sometimes she does this solo but last night I was invited in. This is now an indication that she wants to play although it is rare that play will continue once we leave the shower. I was asked to wash her back for her, to which I said I am if I am allowed to. Allowed? she said, it is demanded! She had voiced the demand as a question, while she is definitely getting more assertive she has no time for rudeness!

I do however always ask for permission to wash her bottom. As I think I have already stated this is now seen as a treat for me as much as it is a treat for her. Elle knows that to be denied this brief access to her sweet spot would be a form of denial as much as not allowing me an orgasm. Once I had washed her, lingering over the tightness of her bottom and smoothness of her buttocks and thighs, it was my turn. I am usually placed facing the glass shower cubicle screen but this time Elle grasped me and forced me so I was facing the tiled wall. I pointed out that this way round I am unable to slide down to the floor so easily. That is the point, she said, I can have more fun with your bottom!

Oh my...

I did eventually slide down when my knees gave way, accompanied by giggles from Elle. By the way I was uncaged while all this was going on, so when I did slide to the floor Elle used her foot to press against my abdomen and penis. I swear if she does that after a few weeks of denial I could cum, the feelings of submission and eroticism were incredible.

I stumbled back to my feet where we passionately kissed. The feel of her breasts against my chest, her buttocks in my hands, her hands exploring my ears, neck, nipples and back, threaten to make me slide back down to the floor. Somehow Elle always knows when I am at my most intense level of feelings and she always chooses this moment to leave the cubicle. She leaves the door open and watches as I wash my penis, enjoying the obvious level of intense feeling this creates.

Once we had both left the shower and dried Elle told me that I was going to use the body lotion I bought her for Christmas on her. She lay on her front on her bed and allowed me to massage in the lotion, before turning over onto her back so I could do her front. I was in rapture. I was touching her entire body, both sides, from her toes to her neck. Her skin was moving under my hands, and she was making moaning noises as I caressed her various erogenous zones.

This session, starting in the shower, continuing with the body lotion application and ending with a close, intimate cuddle, is the sex without orgasms I was referring too. I cannot describe it as anything other than sex. Both of us were naked throughout. I had an erection the entire time, Elle was most definitely turned on. It lasted almost an hour, and at the end of it both of us were happy, aroused, close. We just didn't need to take it any further. Elle had an orgasm in the morning when I woke her up with coffee and cunnilingus and she is a once a day sort of woman. I am only a week into my latest period of denial and there is definitely no orgasm for me just yet.

 

Talking of denial periods Elle did something very different yesterday. She told me how long she is planning on denying me. In the past the only time she has ever said anything about a period of denial was when we were on Holiday in Austria and she told me I wasn't getting an orgasm this side of Christmas. As it turned out I wasn't getting an orgasm for another month, but that is just how she does things. I have never been told when I am going to be allowed an orgasm.

Elle does however enjoy getting me to such a state that I am either close to asking or actually beg for a release, or to at least know how much longer I am to be denied. After our shower Elle could tell this question was on my lips, begging to be asked but knowing there was no point. She looked shocked. Its only been a week! she said, you cannot possibly be that desperate already!

I told her that she is getting better and better at turning me on in the shower, that her touches drive me wild. This particular shower had been more intense than usual, she really had spent a lot of time on my bottom, rubbing, caressing, spraying, reaching between my legs and manipulating my testicles and penis, pushing me against the wall. The end result was a feeling I cannot describe but wish she could experience.

Well, she said, you aren't having an orgasm, you have another five and a half months to go yet. At least!

Oh.....

She obviously enjoyed my recent five month period of denial and has decided to push it one month further. So that would mean I am going to have an orgasm in August. If she then does the same thing I am likely to only have two orgasms this year.

Unless of course she changes her mind. Which she doesn't ever do.

 

When she took me to the five month denial period I had a sneaky feeling the next period would be longer. She likes how I react to her after about three months. We shall see.

 

Thursday February 2 2017

I am at work, with a few quiet moments to fill. As usual my mind has turned to what Elle and I are doing and the impact this is having on our lives. What started as a bit of crisis management with the introduction of me wearing a chastity device has developed way beyond where either of us could have ever expected it to.

Last night, after we had been to our German lessons we relaxed for a bit before going to bed. (Elle and I are seriously trying to find a way of staying in Germany when the lunatics who have taken over the asylum press the ejector button and force Britain out of The EU, but let's not get political!) Anyway, Elle had asked me what I wanted to do so I asked her to wash her feet so I could apply some nail varnish to her toenails. It had been over a week since I had removed the previous layer of varnish but real life had prevented me from putting a new layer on.

Elle gladly agreed and, after she had washed, she sat on her bed for me. I knelt at her feet and applied the nail varnish. Kneeling at her feet like that, doing something so easy yet also so caring and intimate, brings both of us closer together. I feel submissive not because I am doing anything demeaning, far from it, but because of the position she has taken, her sitting to my kneeling. The looks she gives me, the loving caresses of my head as I am kneeling and the way she holds my face while she kisses me after I have finished are all wonderful moments.

This is an example of how we have taken something from a fantasy and made it real, something that you often see on Tumblr or read about in terms of female dominance and male subjugation. It is far from being anything like that for us. Another common fantasy is the foot rub given by a submissive partner to his Domme, not that I really understand why this has to be a fantasy. This too is something we do for pleasure not dominance.

After we had finished with the varnish application Elle lay on the bed and told me that I had to read to her. She actually said “Now you can read to me, while my varnish dries.” This for Elle was quite assertive, she would normally ask me whether I wanted to! Funny how even that small demonstration of dominance made my heart skip a beat.

I asked for permission to continue reading How to set up an FLR by Georgia Ivey Green, as it was midweek and not a Saturday when I would normally be allowed to discuss such things. Permission granted I started reading chapter 7, How kinky are you? This had a short introduction to the problems that occur when all of this is the fantasy of one partner but not the other and how communication is absolutely critical. It includes a checklist of BDSM activities with idea of eating them zero to five on how willing to do them each partner is.

What became evident is that this is another area where Elle and I are singing from the same hymn sheet. We pretty much agreed on what things we are interested in and where we want to take this chastity FLR thing. People have said how lucky I am to have Elle as my Mistress and this is undoubtedly true. The reason we have been successful so far is however more complex than how good a Mistress Elle has been. I think we are lucky to have each other, we match each other's desires very well and have supported each other through this transition.

Neither of us are interested in Age Play, where the sub acts out a childish persona. Diapers, high chairs, any of those things, do not in any way do anything or us. If anything they make us feel uncomfortable. While we don't criticize anyone who does enjoy this sort of thing for us sexualising childhood is a hard limit.

Anal play however is another thing entirely. Before chastity Elle was only just getting used to me touching or licking her bottom(it is now one of her absolute favorite sexual activities) and she had hardly ever touched my bottom. After she had got over what I had done to my penis she couldn't get sexual satisfaction from it anymore but she started manipulating my bottom as an alternative. She loves pinching my buttocks, caressing my anus, reaching between my legs to rub me under my balls. This has changed how I feel about my own body and I get a huge amount of pleasure out of it. There have been a few occasions where this sort of manipulation has got me very close to an orgasm, usually after several weeks of denial.

Because of how we have done this anal stimulation for over a year both of us are ready to take this to the next level. Elle is very happy with the idea of inserting things into me which I doubt she would have been if I had tried to suggest it earlier or rush it. She isn't going to go crazy and immediately start pegging me with a huge strap on dildo, but we have some plugs which she is now wanting to use. This is a major step forward. She didn't rule out the pegging at a later date but throughout this transition her approach has been slow, slow, slower slow slow. And it has worked, she is completely in charge.

This is a critical point which we also discussed. She is interested in pleasuring me and having fun with me, but if she doesn't want to do something it doesn't happen, no matter how much I might want it. People often talk about how to let their partner know what they want without topping from the bottom. Going through a checklist like we did is an excellent way of approaching this. It gave us a starting point of something to talk about and as a result I am looking forward to the weekend!

Behavioral control for us is something real, but we both thought there was place for taking it up a notch within a play situation. I talked recently about how Elle has become much more willing to tell me off when I get an attitude or answer her back. She isn't however willing to take physical punishment as something she would use in real life. If I'm not willing to behave then we wouldn't be doing this. I'm not a child. But she is happy with going all Femdom on my ass in a play situation.

Bondage is something we already do but Elle wants to take this further. Up until now we have used a bed restraint system that still allows me a lot of movement. Both of us want to take this up a notch, to really restrain me so that movement becomes impossible.

The inclusion of chastity in this checklist made both of us laugh. How about it dear, I asked, shall we give chastity a go? Why not, she replied, it could be fun. For me! Gulp.

The next item we talked about was CBT. I am not into severe pain but I do think Elle would be shocked to find out what sort of things I have done to my penis and balls in the past. I told her that I wasn't wanting her to punch or kick my genitals but there are definitely things she could do that I would enjoy. She doesn't really like playing with my penis when she can see it though so I'm not sure this will ever happen.

CBT is an area that I am hesitant to go into with Elle. I promised her that I would be honest but this is something I will probably only discuss if she asks me to, rather than offer her information. I'm certainly not going to describe what I have done to myself in this journal. Is leaving out information a form of dishonesty? I don't know.

When we first started chastity Elle had a hard limit of putting a collar on me. While she still does not want me to wear one all of the time she has now said she could see us using one in a play situation. I know that I would like her to collar me. I can see this being something we do at weekends. The idea of kneeling at her feet while she puts a collar around my neck makes me feel weak with excitement.

All this discussion took about forty five minutes. Elle's toenails had dried and she decided it was time for a quick cuddle and then sleep.

I still cannot believe all of this is happening. It truly is an amazing thing.

 

Oh. What on earth? I just had a contained orgasm. I'm wearing my HTv2 and had a completely hands free unstimulated orgasm. Elle had been stimulating me a few hours earlier. I don't have a clue what she is going to say when I tell her. It's only been 12 days since my last full orgasm. I wasn't doing anything other than reading Tumblr posts when all of a sudden I thought what the heck and then it just happened. Absolutely no warning.

 

Elle was surprised when I told her about my ruined orgasm that happened last night. Mostly because it had only been twelve days since my last full orgasm. She wasn't upset by it though, she appreciated that I was being honest and trusted me not to have done anything to cause it. And that is the weird thing. I have had ruined orgasms before but I have usually been doing something to create the situation. I haven't ever tried to make it happen. There was one time I woke up humping the bed, another time I was scratching my balls, and another when I was pressing the area between my legs where I get an erection now. This time I was reading a story and not even moving, or touching, or anything!

 

I can honestly say that although I was feeling horny at the moment it all happened most of that hornyness had subsided. Elle had really got me going in the shower and then she had let me give her a yoni massage, then I got to feel and watch her have an orgasm while I used her wand massager on her. It was incredible experience.

I had been in my own bedroom for a good hour after all of this when the sudden ejaculation happened. I was lying on the floor near my bedroom door (to get a good WiFi signal lol) reading Tumblr posts, looking for stuff to share with Elle. I was reading a story about a Sub whose master had made him be tied down and castrated by a vet friend and then, after lying to his Master about having sex with someone, was tied down and had five inches of his eight inch penis cut off. It wasn't the description of the acts that turned me on, I certainly don't have a castration or penectomy fetish, but the description of how assertive the Master was that got to me.

All of a sudden I realized that the story was turning me on and then the ejaculation happened. I was holding my iPad with both hands and at no point touched myself to help in any way. I just felt the build up to an orgasm, then several pulses, hen when I rolled over a pool of cum was on the floor.

While I was disappointed with the way this happened I did think it was pretty awesome at the same time.

 

Monday Feb 6 2017

There is sometimes a fine line between what is real and what is fantasy. Elle is somehow able to keep a firm grip on what is real in this new way of defining our relationship. This is no small thing. Chastity, femdom, FLR, D/s, BDSM are all elements that create the framework of our relationship but all of them are fueled by fantasy that could change a relationship so much it might be difficult to keep hold of what is real.

Early on in our transition to a chastity based relationship my thoughts were consumed by fantasy and the amount I was trying to influence Elle was overwhelming her. She stamped on that influence early and hard, taking control and slowing the transition right down. Each new change was carefully thought of and fully integrated before anything else was discussed. I have written about how I felt we were moving at a snails pace and how I would suddenly notice that huge changes had occurred.

In recent weeks Elle and I have been reading How to set up an FLR by Georgia Ivey Green. The fact that both of us are happy with calling our relationship an FLR and defining roles for each of us within that framework is real. There is no doubt that Elle is in charge, no doubt that for us this is a sensible way to set up our relationship. She is the most focused, most grounded and the one who is most able to control the various strands that make our modern life possible.

Elle rarely makes mistakes. I tend to forget things, misplace things, get instructions wrong and generally screw up on a regular basis. I'm not a complete clutz but I am less able to juggle all of the parts that make our lives tick. Elle somehow manages to see the big picture clearly.

Within that framework there are things that Elle says no to, things that she says yes to but only in play, and some that she says absolutely yes to, 24/7.

Her no items include Cuckolding. Not even in fantasy. No also to Humiliation. She is absolutely not interested in using demeaning language when talking to me. The idea of making me think she sees me as a worm, a useless nothing, is an absolute hard limit. This will not happen even in play. Another no is the use of pain above a certain limit.

Yes, in play items include Strict discipline. Being told I have failed in a particular duty or task and being told off. This includes spanking and being made to give myself a ruined orgasm under her stern eye. Role play also falls into this category. Elle isn't interested in pretending to be a prison guard or a teacher.

This is however where the line between reality and fantasy becomes blurred. She is very happy to play a strict Domme. She really is my Mistress and I see her as my Domme and me as her sub. But for the vast majority of the time if people saw us they wouldn't think we were anything unusual. Just occasionally she switches to the strict Domme role, ups things several notches and plays a more Femdom persona. I absolutely love it and get very turned on by it. In the moment it is real, I have to do as I am told and would definitely not try and act out of character for fear of the consequences.

The thing is the consequence might be a more severe Domme but in reality it is more likely she would not continue to act the Domme or want to continue trying to develop that part of our play, and I definitely don't want that to happen.

Sunday evening I finished reading another chapter of the FLR book, the BDSM checklist, and we discussed those yes, yes in play and no elements. Physical punishment was one of the things we discussed . Elle is not wanting to discipline me as part of reality. In her eyes I am an adult and know what is right or wrong. If I don't want to do what is right then she is not interested in trying to help me understand it. She will tell me off and has no worry about her right to do so, such as the incident on the ferry when I mouthed off at something she said. She is however very happy to discipline me as part of play and she is very good at it.

When she got out of the bath I was allowed to get in after her to have a wash. She noticed how hairy my legs have got and immediately started scolding me. She told me that I had been instructed to keep on top of keeping my legs smooth and I had failed to follow the instruction. I tried to say that she had mentioned doing this together a few weeks before but was immediately told to be quiet, she didn't want to hear my excuses.

After I was out of the bath and dry she led me to her bed. I was told to kneel on the bed and she proceeded to first use the switch on me and then the paddle. She didn't hold back and the swats actually stung. Each swat was accompanied by her telling me how disappointed with me she was, an instruction of what was expected of me and questions about what I was going to do about the situation.

Needless to say I became highly aroused. Afterwards, when we were hugging, she noticed that I was twitching and asked me if I was OK. I assured her the twitching was definitely a good thing and was a result of how assertive she had been. I mentioned how the swats stung and she was concerned that she had crossed a line and actually hurt me. I again assured her that it was a good level of pain. It made me feel that she was being real, not playing, which helped me get into the sub headspace. If I thought she was just acting then I wouldn't have been able to do this as well or as fully.

I wouldn't want her to be the strict Domme 24/7 but I very much enjoy it when she does go into the role. That moment when she asked me whether the pain had been too much was a demonstration of how important it is to her that even while we are playing it stays real and doesn't go further than she wants it to.

 

Exactly our experience. I desperately want Elle to be comfortable using discipline when she needs to, I really am genuinely trying to be a better man and husband, but this shift to an FLR chastity based lifestyle isn't easy and sometimes I screw up.

I do think there are signs that like other elements of this lifestyle Elle is getting used to the idea. Although the recent spanking was done partly in play, it was real enough. Elle was concerned she had gone too far but I reassured her that while the spanking definitely stung it wasn't anywhere near too much. I also told her that it definitely helped me get into my role as sub, and made the experience more memorable.

I am not going out of my way to deserve punishment, but I do want her to dole it out when I haven't met her expectations.