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Discussion in 'Chastity journals and blogs' started by beck, Jan 16, 2017.

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  1. PouchPantyLover
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    PouchPantyLover Well-Known Member

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    I've had a similar reaction to the "release". Not as strong as yours, but I definitely resist relocking. I feel that old pull towards myself first and wanting a bunch of orgasms. I want to sleep in on the weekend instead of making her breakfast in bed. Ultimately though (after a bit of headstrong resistance) I realize that being locked, submissive and in her service made me happy. I grudgingly lock back up. Initially I don't feel submissive at all and I'm usually moody and resentful. She breaks me of it, it takes several days, but she prevails. Then I get back in my submissive head space and things are back to normal. The problem with this is it teaches our KH's what a bad idea it is for us to unlock and have an orgasm. It's been since July for me and no idea when that situation will change. She takes care of me in other ways, but it isn't the same thing. I wish I reacted differently so releases would be more common, but I guess we are who we are.
     
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  2. ineverknew
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    ineverknew Well-Known Member

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    @beck, not sure if this would help your situation but I finally found something that turned our relationship around. I had help of course from a lovely lady online. But basically for my wife it was the little things that really moved her emotionally, I mean who knew? ha ha. But we spent the last few years in a sort of mexican stand off since we ended chastity. Things were really bad sexually but great on the surface. I had a live in room mate :eek:. So with the advice I had I started out by letting her know that I had been failing for a while and wanted to make amends. I made a list of sweet things I could do everyday to make her feel wanted, loved, and appreciated. This list was short but boy did it make a huge difference to her. It was a hug and a kiss every evening when she gets home. Back rub anytime she wanted. I also started going to bed at the same time as her. With in the first week we were having sex pretty much every night. We were back :D. We talked briefly about chastity but we both agreed to hold off until we were stable in our new intimacy. But the little bit we did discuss about chastity she said I never gave her any incentives to stay involved, or to spend the time to give me what I wanted. She said the little things I'm doing now would give her everything she needs to come back to it with the resolve to keep me happy in whatever I needed. So any how not sure if it will help you but it amazed me how the little things affected her so much. I was astounded, literally. I guess I could be an idiot lol, but it never occurred to me to be more affectionate.
     
  3. beck
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    beck Well-Known Member

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    @PouchPantyLover -I could be wrong, but this is almost certainly why the whole 'forced' line of fantasy exists at all. Because it is only a fantasy, and in reality nothing can really be forced, sadly things aren't very likely to change that much. It literally takes an enormous amount of will power to submit in a relationship, regardless of sexual orientation or gender dynamic. You have to really want it. I think I do, but getting the will to make it possible at all is going to take some real mental hurdles for me at the moment. If only the fantasy could come alive, my opposition could be used against me and I could be returned to my rightful place! . . . sigh.
    @ineverknew I miss your old avatar. I still don't totally understand this outrage of the sight of chastity on a chastity forum... but if that is what is expected then so be it eh? Brave new world! Yes, the little things are often the most substantiative it seems. But more than that, consistency.
    We were hit hard by the recent storms, and our focus is on getting back to normal in terms of our house being repaired. Our sex life is on a vacation as we have lost quite a bit of privacy that we had before. That, and I am stubborn.
     
  4. ineverknew
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    ineverknew Well-Known Member

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    @beck yeah I miss it too. I thought it was very fitting but it did have a chastity device in it :eek: and was asked nicely to change it. Oh well.

    So your feeling dominant and stubborn eh? Does your wife like you being dominant? I'm sure stubborn will not go over very well lol. Anyways I hope things get patched up including the house. :D
     
  5. PouchPantyLover
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    PouchPantyLover Well-Known Member

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    @beck I think forced is not an accurate portrayal of how a dominant wields influence over a submissive. You are correct, there is no such thing as being forced. However every decision has consequences. I can eat like a pig, but I reap the consequences of doing so. As such our dominants can use the consequences of our actions and decisions to mold us as they see fit. For me this is like a series of dominoes falling, but the first few dominoes fall in slow motion and accelerate with each domino that falls. The force required to tip the first few dominoes is enormous. I have to force myself in some ways to allow them to tip with the knowledge that I'm being taken to a better place. Once they pick up speed though I am swept up in it and the idea of resisting is heresy.

    For example my weekly punishment spankings. Physically I am not a small man. I could turn around and pluck that spanking implement from my wife's hands easily. Mentally I am completely unable to do that. She doesn't restrain me in anyway other than with her will. It's not a choice anymore that I can make. Now if she tried to punish the lazy, indolent just had an orgasm me, it would probably turn out differently. That road back, the initial domino tipping became such a struggle for my wife that I fear my days of orgasms may be a thing of the past. Nothing is stopping me right now from walking upstairs, getting out a wand and giving my self an orgasm. Nothing but her instruction not to. You can tell me all day long that this is a "choice", but I don't believe that to be true anymore.

    Incidentally I agree with your comment on avatars and I miss mine too. I think it is OK if it helps CM in the long run, but I'm yet to see any indication this is the case.
     
  6. beck
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    beck Well-Known Member

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    I would like to thank my friends and especially those that believed in me. This forum has been useful beyond my imagination. Therapeutic at times even.

    I am confident now that part of my identify remains suppressed the majority of the time. What was the most pleasant surprise of being kept in chastity was how after a long while things normalize. What starts as an incredibly xxx rated fantasy kink thrust into action via metal, locks, and bdsm play becomes a daily routine, and even background noise. But in suppressing my penis dominated sex drive, I was able to also feel a great sense of relief. Chastity is never over however until the locks are undone and the device no longer connected. In being confined, rather in having my male bits confined, I, and I assume many others are able to become more human and less tribally male. There is a certain relief from the confines of who we are and are expected to be, in particular with a sexual partner. And it wouldn't be proper to not acknowledge the irony of a chastity relationship. The term chastity relationship in itself seems to be an oxymoron. A relationship is a two way interaction, where as once locked, chastity is very much an agreement to yield that dynamic in favor of one of submission to the key holder. The relationship is no longer a two way interaction if successful, instead it becomes more one of owner and owned. Hopefully your owner likes to take good care of their belongings.

    Needless to say I wanted very badly to be owned. I wanted very badly to not have to be the male that everyone expected me to be. I never have felt entirely at ease with that male label. I have never wanted anything to express machismo on my behalf. Instead I strove to be a individual. Individuality is actually loneliness, and has some kind of reflex effect causing the rebel to run back to the shelter of how it ought to be, where mankind follows a rigid path of the explained and expected. But chastity made it all ok. Underneath my life was a sexy secret, that was slowly surfacing in many ways, but never fully to the point of full explanation. I was becoming more in tune with being a giver and not a taker, but in a way that I still got what I needed and wanted, a mutual benefit was had by both of us as chastity became normalized. I was also able to reinvent myself in a more ideal image, one where I wasn't at all confined anymore to being a typical man. Instead I was seeing myself in the mirror for the first time in my life. But nature has a way of changing things. Perhaps the answer I have been given for now has more meaning than I can know anytime soon.

    This crazed loop of near misses, or near hits, has brought me back here time and time again, searching for that bit of inspiration, that magical spell that allowed me to carry on without my made up self getting in the way. A build up of sexual tension that liberates from all sense of normalcy bringing me on a journey into the unknown --- except one thing, my cock wasn't mine anymore, and that was the most freedom I had ever had.
     
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  7. jemima
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    jemima maid for my Mistress

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    please i hope that You a bit more happy now then.
     
  8. Mascara^Snake
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    Mascara^Snake Ms Amanda

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    Chastity is your "Siren song" beck.

    Love reading your posts. xx
     
  9. beck
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    beck Well-Known Member

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    Thank you Ms Amanda. I'm glad.:)

    Chastity is something I am deeply sexually enticed by, and drawn to like a moth is to a light in the dark.
    Interesting how I can see that as both self destruction and rebirth at the same time.

    Makes me think of an expression I've heard; 'beside every great man, is an even greater woman.'
    To achieve greatness a woman must be involved, and for me, that woman must command respect. Chastity is certainly a great aid in that regard.
     
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  10. ineverknew
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    ineverknew Well-Known Member

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    We stopped playing chastity for almost a year and still not playing. But its true, i'm drawn to it constantly. I have worked my way back into her good graces and hope to restart soon.
     
  11. beck
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    beck Well-Known Member

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    Giving control is all about not being concerned over outcomes. Once locked into a chastity device, and control is no longer had, it is best to just learn to be patient and lose any ideas or expectations. Those ideas are what drive you mad, not the device. And if you can learn to be obedient no matter what the cost, that helps too. The reward for a submissive is never the outcome, it is the submission.

    You probably know this, so anyway
     
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  12. beck
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    beck Well-Known Member

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    The waves move on and off of the beach.

    It was late and she was almost asleep. She had been saying she would like me to put it on, and so, after a week, I very reluctantly did so and got into bed. I put the keys on the bedside table and started to sleep, and then she moved near me and ran her hand down my side lovingly and began to gently rub my shoulders. I was very happy by this and turned toward her and we snuggled for a moment, and in that moment she encountered the steel device, and immediately froze gazing into my eyes. She smiled, and asking for the keys, and I of course obliged. She sprang out of bed to put the key away, and upon her return to bed she had the shackles and gloves. She asked me if I knew what was coming. Jokingly I said probably not me, and she said she was glad I put my device back on but it not a joke, and that I should immediately get out of her bed, and I obliged. The power dynamic had returned to her, flipping in what seemed like a nanosecond, immediately returning me to a double dynamic of control where I am chastised and only invited to bed once on my best behavior.

    Submission is very difficult for me. But, with the installation of my chastity device, there is no escape, and a very significant reminder of who is in charge. I am adapting all over again, but this time does seem to be going smoothly so far. Oddly, I am finding it easier to urinate also. With each act of submission to her, with each answer in the affirmative rather than with question, I am winning admiration again, and in a way that is unique like nothing else. Becoming a willing servant requires confidence, but more importantly patience. It requires patience because the reward for submission is not necessarily a tangible thing or moment. The reward is making life less difficult for someone you love.
     
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  13. beck
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    beck Well-Known Member

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    this annoys me to no end. I would like to edit my post with more time than it takes to order pizza please.
     

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  14. maid_carrie
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  15. beck
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    beck Well-Known Member

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  16. beck
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    beck Well-Known Member

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    The changes that begin to occur after reducing if not stopping the daily flow always seem to have the same effect on me. I suddenly have more positive emotions welling inside of me, and feel more in touch with femininity. It can be both a breath of fresh air and a trigger that sends me into a self deprecating over-analysis death spiral. I readily admit that if not locked I will masturbate daily, sometimes twice, or more even. I think in a way having knowledge of being locked almost adds incentive for excessive masturbation. I know in my particular case, the excessive nature mostly leads to depression. I will suddenly find myself unable to orgasm easily because I have bored myself with repetition. Or I am lazy as the song goes. The high runs out and my fix cannot be had no matter what kind of antics I try. Then there is porn. I do watch if I can and have the privacy. Porn also leads to depression though, as what does it for me I am not entirely sure I know how to process yet, and when I see myself from another context, I get disgusted with myself, and double down on chasing that fix ---I wonder if you will read this and think, I knew that, but seeing it makes it more of an offense--- like a true sex addict I will go to lengths I am not proud of to get off. I ask myself, why would you do that if it causes such depressive thoughts? The answer is simple: I am not CIS and I live in a world run by fear and nosy people pushing their agendas right into every aspect of public life. Orgasm becomes an escape, or a relative 'fuck you' to the world. It would seem it is a double edged sword, as I tend to suffer for it. Anyway, I am relieved to not have full control of what I have to play with again. Adding a little discipline to my life is healthy, and brings me much closer to her - - - in so many ways
     
  17. beck
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    beck Well-Known Member

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    Some things i do not like about my chastity device

    1. it is heavy
    2. i d o not care for the bulge it creates
    3. i feel like i have urinate way more often
    4. i wish it was smaller

    otherwise, i cannot complain.
     
  18. Mascara^Snake
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    Mascara^Snake Ms Amanda

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    Beck I hope you managed to get everything straightened out beforee the festive season.
    I wish you better luck or even extremely good luck for 2018.

    2018 is going to be the year of the dog by the way. Which for me is pretty much death on a stick :-(

    that';s great to see that you have no complaints about your device. At least none that would cause your wife any concerns.

    Happy new year

    Amanda xxx
     
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  19. beck
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    beck Well-Known Member

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    ok maybe one complaint? It isn't everyday or even often at all, but I can mentally masturbate. The ironic part is I can only do this while chaste. With no chastity device on at least a hand assist is necessary. My mind has to be just right, but with a little edging I can go all of the way. This is both incredible, and infuriating to me. But I tend to think that this is my mind at work, and not the failure of my device.

    My Wife has seen this many times now. She doesn't seem to care I suppose because there are no plans to unlock me anyway. I do think that another chastity device might be in order, but that is not really a conversation at the forefront at the moment. Certainly more bondage might help, but I have learned that suggestions on bondage or punishment are not a good idea for a submissive to make. Our communication works, but there are certain lines one does not cross. And She may or may not read this- but doesn't alert me to that usually.

    Ultimately the chastity device is keeping me submissive and humble. It does a lot to contain my sexual appetite. When I am lucky enough to be engaged sexually, the chastity device very strongly reminds me it is there and who has the key. While I am used to wearing the cage now, I am still melted into the palm of my wife's hand every time she wants that. She only has to speak a few words, or even give a look, and I am instantly entranced like a dog by a whistle. I am happy for all of that, and I know that our relationship has benefited from my being in chastity.
     
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  20. beck
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    beck Well-Known Member

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    Our usual arangement requires the so called break in period of 3 months before she considers unlocking me. This much was true until i asked about the specific date. Once i'd made that mistake, as i undetstand it, now she will be setting my annual physical as the only known day with any break from chastity.


    She has been a little annoyed with my ability to orgasm while caged. I understand that and agree. I have been unusually focused lately. But she seems to find comfort in the idea the climax i get is a ruined orgasm.


    The other night she directed me to her bedside and to lay down. She mounted my face and I did my very best. First sensual kissing on her legs and everyehere but where she wants it. Then, slowly, methodically, with continuous caressing i helped her to climax with gentle wet lapping, and she began to shake with pleasure. I lay on my back, with my cage gripping me like a vice and the thought of only being released from chastity once this year still rattling inside my mind as her orgasm continued. The thoughts, mesmerizing, and then i fealt that warm melting point of no return where edging turns into ruined orgasm. It was sunshine, being gripped by steel relentlessly, and feeling such intense pleasure at the same time. Some kind of yin yang magic.


    Now back to my chores.
     
  21. beck
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    beck Well-Known Member

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    Somehow my memory was triggered the other day amidst some very heavy and provocative thoughts and I recalled how I learned about chastity. I am sure there is a thread somewhere on this topic. Anyway, I was watching a movie a friends house. There were a few people I didn't really know and the movie got to an awkward scene where the main character was encountered by a librarian, who appeared to be very boring and plain. Once in the privacy of her home, she adorned black leather and whips! and tied the protagonist to the bed! I found myself extremely aroused by this unsuspecting and powerful woman, like never before, to the point I had to leave the room, lol!

    At the time, my then girlfriend now wife and I had played some sex games, and she was always in charge, but nothing even close to what I saw in that movie. I surfed the web endlessly via dial-up connection, which by today's standards would amount to maybe 15 minutes, looking at anything related to dominatrices, domination, and eventually discovered BDSM. This was a bridge into a dark and unknown universe for me. I found myself turned on, and confused at the same time. I was somewhat ashamed of myself and my attraction to what I had otherwise thought of very taboo.

    My internet searching evolved and I began looking at 'ways to get your wife to dominate you' - and in hindsight I should have realized she already had me wrapped around her finger, she just hadn't done anything about it yet. Of course it was obvious to our friends and families, not me, who the more submissive one was in the relationship. I have always been somewhat of a late bloomer, sigh. My searching brought me to a BDSM forum where the answer I got was look into chastity if you want to be dominated. Pandora's box, opened. We now make that movie scene look vanilla, and I seem to be only steps away from full blown cuck. Amazing how things change.
     
  22. beck
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    beck Well-Known Member

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    I'm nearing 30 days since my most recent lockup. Things in my perspective are changing. I am slowly accepting the idea the lock is a part of me. It is a necessary component to our FLR, and although it cannot prevent orgasm, it has completely controlled and redefined my sense and expectation of pleasure. I suppose that when i am unlocked my perspective will change yet again. But, for now my perspective of myself is becoming more and more defined by chastity as each day piles on. It isn't as though I am undergoing some major transformation, rather it is subtle changes like not associating jerking or a boner with pleasure. It might seem primative, but i think these implications reach much deeper into my psyche than i actually realized initially. I think this is why in our relationship the chastity device is a gateway between the illusion of power exchange for her. Wthout it we play games but we do not live them out more than an hour at a time. Illusion because i've never been in control, but i certainly have an influence, which in its altered state continues on but much more suited to her preferences. In a way its as simple as learning to never speak ill will in any shape or form towards her, but also learning to never say no either. At times it takes sincere courage for me to maintain the course, and trust that my submission will never be taken advantage of. But as it turns out, i find my boundries continue to expand because when her pleasure is my priority, i consider new ways to achieve that especially considering my locked status. Ways that when the bridge from vanilla was crossed, i never could have imagined being okay with. Being locked required me to submit, and now that i am almost 30 days in after years of this routine, nothing seems that different, but i know i am more submissive and ready to do as i am told than before. Its exciting for me how my machismo armor is peeling away and she is encouraging it. It seems there is this learning curve to being chaste, where at first the idea is something that is done despite the taboo and obvious renouncing of genital liberty. Something that forces compromise and conformty, and in my case adherence to my wife's authority. These things all seem to be meant to tame, and perhaps they do, but i gladly accept them now, i crave them, where as a younger me would've been involved but reluctantly, mostly in part to what i can only explain as societal conditioning.
     
  23. beck
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    beck Well-Known Member

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    Gun still holstered. Though, I've nearly shot my foot off. 57 days locked.
    It is sinking in now. I am chastised. Nearly two months and I still wake up amazed at the sight of my steel encasing. She said however that I need a lot more time to be "broken" --- the thing is the part of me that needs to be broken, is the part I want to break also. I submit to it. I realized my mind craves to be controlled. I realize that I am much better off being 'beta' --- though I can hold my own, I am much better at avoiding confrontations than managing them. My chastity device seems to not control when, but only how I orgasm. More and more my submission to her as KH is defining the state of our union and causing me to thoroughly accept I am always 2nd. Being chastised at first was this highly erotic thing that overwhelmed me. The fantasy was something so completely unusual that I needed to experience it to understand. Once I fulfilled my fantasy, the reality set in. 365/24/7 is real. Wearing a chastity device is a constant reminder, and at times a distraction. Losing that view of your parts, and its full functionality, is realized by me like watching a ship disappear over the horizon -the ship being the day I put the device on. It happens slowly, so it is very hard to notice a difference without any release from the device. It is normal now. I do have moments of frustration, but mostly I am optimistic for the future of our sex life due to chastity. The age old question remains however: Can full orgasm control be achieved? Like to the point where I cannot have any climax, and I am begging for release. why do I want that?
     
  24. beck
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    beck Well-Known Member

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    for some reason, I write basically the same thing over and over and over and over ...
     
  25. ineverknew
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    ineverknew Well-Known Member

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    Let me know when or if you find out. This question plagues us all
     
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