Light at the End of Tunnel

If you are wondering why we have started a new thread you may want to look at our last few posts in “Our Story.” This is like a new beginning for us.

Below is a summary of our experiment in communications. We wrote this together tonight after we read each other’s letter. We will post the letters immediately. We changed the names on the letters to Hubby and Missy to protect our privacy.

It was difficult sharing feelings that are private and scary. It was especially hard for Hubby because he has trouble expressing himself and coming up with the right words. Hubby is always afraid he will say something in a way that might hurt me. The first evening was going nowhere. Neither of us knew how to get started so Missy turned that night into a rules setting night.

Rule 1 Each session would have to last at least one hour.

Rule 2 There would be a topic for each evening.

Rule 3 Both of us would have to speak on the topic and both would have to respond to the other.

Rule 4 We had to be 100% honest. We couldn’t leave anything out that we thought our partner might not like.

Rule 5 We have to remember these are feelings and we are entitled to them so we can’t take offense at anything said. We have to figure out how to deal with these issues.

Missy picked the first topic and it was a tough one. “What do you feel is missing or wrong in our relationship?’ It turned out to be the topic all the way through. It also turned out (no big surprise here) that everything came back to sex in one way or another. It turns out the only real problems are sex and our inability to talk about it.

Hubby in preparation for the first real meeting had actually made a list of subjects that included chores, consideration, respect, dependability, supporting, courtesy, honesty, sex and talking. We went down the list and had no concerns until we came to honesty. Hubby wanted to know why Missy would not tell him why she disliked sex so much and why was her answer always “I don’t know.” Missy wanted to know why Hubby always told her it was okay when she clearly could see he was disappointed. That discussion went well past an hour and actually into the next night. Hubby’s answer was pretty much about never wanting to hurt Missy but Missy made it clear that trying to fool her does not prevent the hurt. She’d rather he just would say it wasn’t good and let her apologize. The “I don’t knows” are because she is afraid to say what is wrong and sometimes she really doesn’t know because she doesn’t even understand her own feelings.

With the regard for Missy’s distaste for sex we figured out a little but nothing she can change. Sex is for “procreation” and is not supposed to be for “recreation.” God made it so men like sex so they will try to “Breed.” When women like sex it makes them “promiscuous.” But women have a responsibility to have sex with their husbands to keep them satisfied and healthy. Missy even asked why she takes something that should be so simple and makes it so complicated. And then she answered her own question with “that is just the way my brain works.”

We also talked about Missy’s body. Hubby said he would like to see her body more because she is so beautiful. He proposed that maybe when she came home from the office and changed she just wear her bra and panties in the house once in a while because the few times he sees her that way… well; he put it “you are beautiful and I am a man.” That did not go over well. Missy made it clear she did not want him to call her beautiful and she wasn’t going to flaunt her wares for his lustful pleasure. Eventually we reached a compromise. Instead of totally dressing in the bathroom in the morning, she would put on just her bra and panties there and then come out to the bedroom to get her blouse and skirt on. Hubby had to agree to only glances and not to stare at her and not to say anything.

Thursday night was a breakthrough. Missy did most of the talking and she said that when she had an orgasm it was exhilarating but as soon as it was over she felt bad like she had done something wrong. If she didn’t have an orgasm she felt like she let Hubby down and felt guilty so either way she ended up crying after sex. She went on though and she said there were few times, maybe a dozen or so, when afterwards she felt wonderful. She said a couple of times we hadn’t even had sex and she knew she did not have an orgasm on any of the good times. She said it always happened when Hubby held her and kissed her just right and he would touch her in a sensual way but not at all sexy and then for no reason at all she would get this feeling of contentment for lack of a better word and she could feel her whole body just relax in my arms. She could not describe the feeling except that it made her feel like he truly loved her and it was a better feeling than any orgasm. There was a long pause when she finished and then Hubby spoke. “I’ve been wrong all this time. It’s not giving you an orgasm that makes me a good lover. It’s making you feel loved that makes me a good lover.” Missy said she thinks that is what she was trying to say when she wrote all that stuff down that Saturday morning. Then she asked, “How do we make it work for both of us?” We were both emotionally drained at this point and Hubby was a little worried that the answer was going to be to leave out the sex part. We decided to go to bed and each come back with a plan on Friday night.

Friday, Missy came to the table totally in charge and started us off. We will think of sex as gifts of love. She knew how good Hubby felt when he was inside her and when he had an orgasm. Her gift would be that she would give Hubby her whole self and she would try to make it as good as possible. She wanted him to “enjoy” her body as long as he understood that some things made her uncomfortable and tense. She wanted Hubby NOT to give her an orgasm. In return Hubby’s gifts to Missy would be multiple. First Hubby was not to feel bad if she was tense or uncomfortable during sex. Second, Hubby had to always be honest about how good or bad it was, no lying. Next he had to then make love to Missy in her way. He had to do everything that made her feel warm and nurtured and loved. She would tell him when he could stop. Last, Hubby would have to accept this as “having been a good lover.” It was not to be about the sex but about the loving feeling. Hubby stated he liked this take charge Missy. We also decided that it was best, for now at least, to continue with the chastity cage and the Saturday schedule with Missy always having the right to say no but also being allowed to ask to be loved her way anyway. As you will see in our letters, our first Saturday night was good.


Sunday and Monday night we talked about a lot of little things less sex related but sex would still always pop up. At one point Sunday afternoon Missy was sounding kind of like a school teacher and Hubby finally asked her if this was going to be on the test. We laughed and she said yes it is. That helped break the tension.

Monday we finally got to Hubby’s last item. How are we going to keep up the conversations we have had so far because it was emotionally draining and hard but it has been a big help in our relationship. Hubby said writing things down has always helped him. Missy said okay, what if every Sunday we each have to write the other one a letter with something we want to say. Hubby asked why it had to be Sunday. What if he had something to say on Monday. And what if he didn’t have anything to say, could he just write her a love letter. The final solution was we would each have to write at least one letter a week. If something was on our mind we had to put it in the letter even if we didn’t want to. And then Missy said she would love to get love letters and maybe Hubby should have to write one of those every week along with his conversation starter letter.

Then Missy suggested that we do have a test. We should both write the other one a letter now saying what we learned, what we want to happen, and how we plan to get there. We could not see anything the other one wrote till we were both done. She said it is just like a job review at work. First you look at how you have done and then you set goals and objectives for the coming year. Hubby said and what if after we read them we can put them on “Our Story” so the people who supported us know we are okay. Missy said if the letters are good and not too personal that would be okay with her.


Foot Note From Missy,

Hubby said I can’t add to my letter about his letter so I am making a footnote here. I started to get a little weepy about 1/2 way through his letter and when I read his last paragraph the water works turned on. He came over held me and asked me if he wrote something that hurt. I said, “No it was perfect.” He asked why I was crying and I didn’t have to say “I don’t know.” I just said, “ because I love you so much.” I don’t think he understood that any more than an “I don’t know.” His letter touched me so. He may not be a poet but he can write me all the love letters he wants.

 

Dear Missy,

I love you more today than I did Yesterday and will love you even more tomorrow. I will start by apologizing for asking you to run around in your bra and panties. That was insensitive. It was nice to watch you get dressed this morning though and I hope I didn’t make you uncomfortable when I noticed you. And Saturday night when you put your night gown on in front of me it took my breath away. I know that was very hard for you and I understand if you don’t want to do it again. That will be okay. It’s so hard not to tell you how beautiful you are but I promise this is the last time.

We made love by the script. It was perfect! I still remember caressing your nipples and tasting your breasts and running my fingers over your entire body. You are so soft and smooth and at the same time your breasts and legs are so firm. I got you aroused enough that you were moist so I hope the intercourse did not hurt. When I inserted, you wrapped your arms and legs around me so tight I felt like we were one. That has never happened before. It was a moment of passion that I was not expecting. I almost instantly had an unbelievable orgasm. I had to just lie there for what must have seemed like forever to you but I was just exhausted and feeling so high. Then I came up and gently pulled your nightgown back down and wrapped my arms around you and kissed you and you kissed me back like we have never kissed before. I tried to hold you gently but I wanted to hold you so tightly. Those minutes just holding your warm body close to mine were wonderful. But now for the best part. I caressed your back and ran my fingers through your hair and gently ran my fingers down your side and kissed your neck. Then you pressed your body against me and held me a little tighter and then suddenly you totally relaxed. Your face felt a little warmer and your breathing was almost like a long sigh. It was as if you had melted in my arms and I had a feeling I really can’t explain. I just know it felt wonderful. Then you rolled over onto me and put your head on my shoulder and we kissed again and then I kissed your face and ran my fingers through your hair. I just could not stop touching you. And then you were asleep. Right there on my shoulder. I felt like I had in fact given you an orgasm even though it never happened. And there were no tears! I just laid there with your head on me and I didn’t want that moment to ever end. I fell asleep not too much later. When you asked me how it was Sunday morning all I could say was amazing but it was much more than that. You also said it was amazing so I hope we can do this forever.

We are supposed to say everything we feel so I will start with my one fear. My fear is that the “after play” was so good for me and if it was so good for you, will you slowly phase out the actual sex? I know the sex is just for me. Once a week could become once a month could become once a year. That would be hard for me because the feeling of being inside you that night was the best feeling I have ever had.

I learned how much you love me and I understand that your love for me and your lack of desire to make sexual love to me are not related. As you put it “the sexphobia is in your brain but the love is in your heart.” Thursday night you were so clear about your feelings on making love. I finally understood that I shouldn’t be measuring my skill as a lover by some stereotypical standard. I should be judging it by how I make YOU feel. You have probably been telling me this all along. It finally registered. And Friday night when you came in with a plan, the pieces all fit together. Our love will be a gift to each other. Your gift to me is physical love and aside from the physical pleasure, the special feeling I get is knowing you love me so much that you will share your body with me. I hope you feel how much I love you for this and find some joy and comfort in knowing how much I love you. My gift of love to you is understanding. Understanding your needs are different from mine. You need love that is romantic and special in a way that says I love you, I protect you, I am there for you forever. When we opened this gift together on Saturday night it was a truly wonderful feeling. I promise to keep giving this gift to you, to us, for as long as we live.

I learned you do not want me to say you are beautiful and you don’t care that you are smart. You do want me to remember you are caring, loving, and generous, qualities that make the world go round. A smile and a helping hand for a stranger…that is you every day.

Going forward I promise to tell you I love you more often, to give you a real kiss when you come in from work, to hold your hand when we sit together, to protect you if anyone ever tries to hurt you, to care for you when you are sick, to laugh with you when you are happy, to be a shoulder to lean on when you are sad, to never take your love for granted, and most of all to never give you a reason to cry again.

Love always

Hubby

PS: I am sorry I don’t write better. You deserve the best words by the best poet.

 

Dear Hubby,

This is a very hard letter to write because there is so much about me I do not understand yet. I think after this experiment I actually know you better than I know myself.

I hope we agree that our love making on Saturday was our biggest accomplishment. You were so gentle and did not push me to get aroused or to enjoy it. Maybe because there was no pressure it was better for me. I know I was tense but I almost relaxed when you inserted your penis in me and I remember I pulled you very close. What made it good for me was after you had your orgasm I didn’t sense any disappointment. In fact I felt like it was very good for you. I had sex with you and I actually felt okay. It almost felt like it was right.

Then you made love to me. You held me as if holding me was as good as the actual sex. I don’t even know how many times you said you loved me but it was a lot. Your kiss was so gentle but firm at the same time and the way you touched my body and my face I got a strange feeling that just shot through my whole body. It wasn’t like an orgasm or anything exciting. It was just a warm fuzzy feeling that was so calming. At that moment you could have done anything you wanted to me. That feeling would have conquered anything at that moment. When I rolled over and put my head on your shoulder with the rest of me still in your arms I felt safer than I ever have in my life. I would say I am sorry I fell asleep on you and we didn’t get to talk and tell you how good I felt except I’m not sorry. Talking about it would have trivialized the moment.

I hope we can keep this working. I hope you don’t become disappointed in sex because I can’t be passionate. I don’t know if I can be more of a lover but I am going to try because I want this to happen just like this every time….forever. Please do not ever tire of holding me the way you did and I promise to never tire of you making love to me. I will try my best to fulfill your fantasies. I will tell you how in a separate, private letter.

When the vase of white carnations showed up on Sunday afternoon it just made my day. You knew I loved carnations more than roses and they must be hard to find for this holiday. And all the card said was “Will you be My Valentine Forever.” All I could do was kiss you and the tears came any way.

You didn’t ask much change from me in our talks. You would like to see more of my body. That is why I put my night gown on in front of you with the lights on. I know you noticed and I wanted to cover my breasts quickly. I felt a little like I was giving you a show but you just glanced and smiled. I was uncomfortable but you made it a little easier. I will try to do it more often. Please be patient. I know some women talk about teasing their husbands and I am sure you would like that. I don’t know if that is in the cards at all because then I would have to flaunt my body for you.

Your other request was for the phrase “I don’t know” to disappear from my vocabulary. I will try but sometimes I don’t even understand what I am thinking. Certainly not enough to explain it. How about if I say “I will tell you later when I figure it out.”

Also I will try to be “more take charge” and I hope you don’t regret that. LOL

Love and kisses and more love,

Missy

 

This is Missy again. Hubby reassured me that the people on this site are supportive and rarely judgmental and sometimes they even offer helpful ideas. So with a little trepidation I am going to post the things I was afraid to put in the main letter because I knew we were going to make our letters public.

When we finished our letters I made Hubby read mine first because I had three things I wanted to propose to him to fulfill his fantasies. When he finished reading the letter he hugged me and said, “you answered my fears. Thank you.” And he kissed me. Then I was up and I was a little nervous because I was not at all sure I could do any of the things I was about to promise and if I failed it could ruin a whole night or more. I then read him this private letter I am going to paste here.

.

Dearest Hubby

These are the fantasies I want to make come true for you that I referred to in my letter.

The first one is I will come to bed naked, no night gown, and the light on and you can hold me all night with nothing between us. Please understand if I am so tense that I do not feel like I had been made love to, it will be okay. I know you would like my body against yours with no barriers so I promise it will happen sometimes and it will be alright.

My second “promise” will be the hardest. I will let you undress me. I know how much you like to see and touch my body. I am a little afraid I will freeze up. But I want to do it. It may be a while before I am ready for this but I definitely want it to happen. I want you to enjoy my body fully.

The last is during foreplay. I know that sometimes you want to taste me down there. I want you to do it and I promise not to let it ruin your love making. You may have to hold me a little longer afterward but I want to share all of me with you.

Loving you so much

Missy

After I read him this letter, Hubby said he will be as gentle and sensitive as he can be so I would feel good about pleasing him so much. He said, “I know how hard this will be for you and I love you so much for just wanting to do it..”

 

The chastity cage was fundamental when we started it because without it sex was bad for both of us and the control so how made it workable. Now it is more just useful. It gives her more confidence that she is having sex on her terms. A sense of control if you will.

 

Jessica, Those are actually 2 good ideas. I googled how to stop saying and it basically recommended turning it into something positive by saying what I do know and see if it lets something roll out of my little brain. It might actually work.
We still have a great book store here which has somehow managed to survive the pandemic. I would rather read a real book then on the screen so I am dragging Hubby to the book store this Saturday.

 

This is Missy. We’ve had a wonderful morning. After church we had breakfast and Hubby started to the computer room and I said no I should get to go first. He turned and said you’re right and came back and said he’d clean up the kitchen and so here I am.

Last night after I did my thing in the bathroom I came out and Hubby was in bed. He had already put his cage on the dresser. I started to disrobe. Then I saw my nightie over the headboard. I finished undressing and really wanted to put that gown on but I knew I had promised and I had to do this. He definitely smiled but he didn’t stare and just patted the bed for me to get in. I got on the bed and he pulled the sheet up. He slid over and put his arm under me and then rolled me up my side so my back was to him. This took me by surprise and made me a little more nervous. Then he pulled us tight together so we were against each other from head to toe. He took his left arm and laid it across my body so that it rested on my breasts and his hand was on the top of the breast that was against the bed. Then he kissed the back of my neck and my hair and said he loved me. Then he said I just want to hold you like this for a little while before we start. I was not expecting anything like this and I was pretty tense with his arm and hand just sitting on my breasts and his body against mine everywhere. He just laid there kissing my neck and saying he loved me. After a couple of minutes I realized he was not doing anything sexual. His hands were not grabbing my breasts. They were still. He was just holding me in a very sensual way and I started to relax. Soon it actually started to feel good. His body was warm and comfortable and I actually started to press my body against his even harder. A couple of minutes later he let go and rolled me back onto my back and started the love making process. He caressed and kissed and then sucked on my nipples then kissed his way down my abdomen until he kissed the very top of my vagina. I remember I stiffened and he smoothly moved back up and for the next while he caressed and kissed my upper body. Then he slid my legs apart slightly and lowered his head and kissed my vagina and then I felt him lick it lightly. My legs started to close involuntarily but I could feel a light wetness happening. He came back up and kissed my neck and shoulder and then spread my legs wider and proceeded to have intercourse. I put my arms around him but I couldn’t wrap my legs around him like I did a week ago. I was just too tense. When he had finished he laid there a few moments and then he held me. and said I love you so much. I said, “I’m sorry I wasn’t better.” He said, “You were wonderful.” He held me the same way he did a week ago and he did all the right things but I never got that same fuzzy feeling. I was still tight. The thought of not having my night gown on to protect me just kept running around in my brain but I did not want to give up. He held me for a very long time and I slowly relaxed enough to go to sleep but I just never felt the wonder I had the previous week.

This morning he woke me up by kissing my cheek and gently caressing my back and saying I love you so much. It felt so good I didn’t think about not having my night gown on. Based on the position I was in I think I must have been in his arms all night as our bodies were still the way we were when I drifted off with my body against him and my head mostly on his shoulder. We kissed very softly and he finally asked, “Good morning, did you sleep okay?” He kept holding me while we talked a little and all the while his one hand caressed my body in a big circle starting at my shoulders and down my back, across my buttocks and up my side, and back to my shoulder. As I spoke he was kissing my neck and my face. And he said, I don’t know how many times but a lot, I love you so much and then he added holding you like this feels indescribable. My one breast was pressed against his chest but the other was just resting on it and suddenly I could feel that nipple getting erect…for no reason at all. It was a little frightening but as his hand came up my side I said he could touch my breast if he wanted. He let the hand drift over and it came to rest on that breast and I know it was touching the nipple slightly. I started to get nervous and he sensed it and went back to making his giant circles on my body. About the third time around I said he could touch it again. His hand came all the way under the breast this time and he was cupping my breast gently but not moving his hand and it felt okay. He left his hand there for several seconds then he put his hand behind my back and pulled my whole body tight against him. He kissed me for a long time and then he said I know you love me more than I could ever have imagined and I promise to never let anything hurt you and I will love you forever. All at once that fuzzy feeling happened. My whole body surrendered and went past relaxed to almost limp. I said hold me tighter and don’t ever let go. He held me so tight my breasts were squashed but I felt very safe. After a few minutes Hubby said we have to get up if we are going to get to church and he released me. I started to pull the sheet down and it was then that I realized I was naked. I started to pull the sheet back up and hubby rolled over to turn his back to me and said, “no we have to get up.” I scurried into the bathroom to take my shower. When I got out of the shower and was drying off I realized I had not brought any clothes in with me. Then I saw on the vanity a bra, panties, and a blouse. My husband had quietly brought them in for me while I showered. He loves me so much and he cares how I feel. I put on the panties and was putting on the bra when a crazy thought came in my head. I don’t know where I got the courage I slipped my arms and breasts in the bra but held the fasteners, one in each hand, slightly behind my back and went out of the bathroom. I walked over to Hubby and all the while he had this amazing, dumb, smile on his face and he looked at me the whole way. I think I was actually teasing him a little. I got to him, turned around and asked in as cute a voice as I could muster, “Will you fasten this for me?” He fastened it and then ran his hands down my side and around my tummy and pulled me back against him while he kissed my neck. His next words were too much. He asked, “what did I ever do to deserve a woman who would do all this for me.? I love you so much.” I lost it and the tears started rolling down my face. Fortunately, my back was to him and he couldn’t see them. I said you probably better take your shower and get ready to go. We both got dressed and headed for church.

I know the sex last night was not as good for him but I think he really liked the foreplay. We were both disappointed that I didn’t get that “I’ve been made love to feeling.” This morning, however, was for me the most love I have ever known. I think that last night it was about keeping a promise I was afraid I couldn’t keep and it was a self-fulfilling prophesy. This morning was spontaneous and I never got a chance to think about being naked.

I want to do this again sometime. It will have to be some night when I feel a little playful, a little romantic. No promises or pressure but just because I want to. I don’t know when that will be but for now I am floating a few feet off the floor and I am going to enjoy it all day. I hope Hubby can put up with me actually being in charge today. Which reminds me, I don’t think he put the cage back on this morning.

 

What can I add. My sex Saturday night was good and the way she allowed me to touch and taste her was a fantasy. I felt bad when I could not return the love she had shown me. I can tell now when she feels loved. As Jane told us back in the beginning. “Her body will speak to you.” I have learned to listen to it pretty well although it took me a lot of years to realize I was listening to the wrong things. I was always trying to take her to an orgasm. What she wanted was to feel loved without an orgasm. The body speak is more subtle but it is still there. She chose to do what must have been the hardest thing ever for her just to please me. And as her post says, she was almost sure it was not going to work for her but she did it any way just for me.

I was not expecting this morning to turn out anything like it did. I was just trying to make up for my failure to love her well enough Saturday night. I was just trying to tell her how much I loved her and that I appreciated what she did for me. When she suddenly melted in my arms I think I felt better than she did.

As for the final fantasy. When she came into the bedroom with her bra only part way on and walked directly toward me I lost all control of how I was supposed to behave. I couldn’t take my eyes off her and I wanted her so much in those few seconds. She apparently did not know where she was because we were standing directly in front of the large mirror over the her dresser. I could see the tears. I knew not to ask her why and I just hoped they were “I love you tears.” I do not know why she cries when we both say I love you. I was feeling higher than if I drank a whole bottle of wine and my face had the biggest smile in the world.

And I hope this does not get me in trouble, but seeing her in that mirror looking like that. She was the most “word I am not allowed to tell her she is” woman in the world.

Thank you Missy. You made my dreams come true. There is no way I can show you in a lifetime as much love as you showed me in one night and one morning.

Now I will go put the cage on. She can have anything she wants today. She is apparently in charge. LOL

 

I’m a little concerned because Sunday and Monday nights she was a little on edge and didn’t even want to kiss much. She just wanted me to hold her. No caressing or talking, just holding. This morning she seemed more comfortable and normal. She even seemed a little giddy at suppertime. I can never get her to talk about these things though. May be a subject for a weekly letter but it also might be a little sensitive.

I went out to the shop after supper and had just finished doing some preventive maintenance on one of the machines and was washing up when Missy came in. She said she had just been looking at our recent posts and they were very personal and VERY GRAPHIC. She said you know I am a private person. I reminded her that no one out there will ever know us. She said she guessed she was glad we did it but could we keep our posts a little less graphic. It is alright to let the people know when we are doing well or if we hit a rough patch but do they really need to know the details? Then she said I don’t think I want to post our letters to each other on line because they are going to be very personal and very detailed. I just said okay that’s fine by me. Then she said, “speaking of the letters, I have written up some rules.” Suddenly as if someone somewhere pushed a button, she changed from the slightly nervous, slightly insecure woman I know into the “Take charge school teacher.”

She handed me a piece of paper she had with her and said this is your copy. She said, “I wrote the rules like I was telling you them but they will apply to both of us equally.” Then she started to read from her copy word for word and very “teacher” like. When she finished she asked me in a very matter of fact way if I had any questions. I said no. She asked if I thought we needed to add anything to them. Again I said no. She said, “Fine we start immediately.” She gave me a little kiss and said I could go tell my friends what is going to happen if I wanted. She had a couple things she needed to do before we go to bed and turned and left.

I found where she had saved the rules on the computer so I will paste them on this post. They actually make a lot of sense. She put a lot of thought into this. She is working so hard to make our marriage strong. I really love this woman so much.


RULES FOR WRITING LETTERS

#1 You will write a letter every week. If there is no requirement it will just slowly stop happening. And this is how we are making sure we communicate. Remember, it was your idea to write it down before you talk about it.

#2 You will write about every concern or thing that bothers you. Not saying something because it might hurt my feelings will just make it fester. When it finally comes out it will be much worse. We can’t try to work it out if only one of us knows about it. Since you are writing it down you will have plenty of time to think about it and say it the way you want to.

#3 You will not get offended by anything I say in my letters because I am not trying to hurt you ever. You will respond to anything I say but you don’t have to respond right away because you will have time to gather your thoughts after you read my letter.

#4 If you don’t have any concerns in a week you will write about things we did or didn’t do during the week. You will tell me what you liked and didn’t like. This will help us to get to know each other even better and we can do more of things we both enjoy and less of the things that one of us does not particularly like.

#5 You will tell me if the sex was good or bad and you must be honest. Be specific. Tell me what part was good or bad. I want so much for you to enjoy it and I have to know how to please you within my limits.

#6 If you feel like we did not interact during the week or we just took each other for granted you must say so. Only if we know we are getting lazy can we do what we need to get the spark and energy back. Ambivalence is worse than fighting. When we fight we at least know that we care.

 

This was a no sex weekend for the once a month reason. I “turned in” my first weekly letter to the school teacher (LOL) Sunday after church.. She was still doing hers and said she will give it to me this morning. In my letter I told her that I really enjoyed our evenings together when we sit and read or watch TV together. Sometimes I hold her hand and it is just a nice feeling. I reminded her I am little introverted, which she already knows, and I don’t need to have a fancy social life with lots of people. This year that has been a good thing. But if she wants to go somewhere safe outside the house that is a little livelier I would be willing to try it. She would have to pick the spot and all because I am not good at the social stuff.

I told her there were three things “on my mind.” The first is I wish when I was watching the science programs she would watch with me. I told her that she is smart and she would be able to understand it and what she didn’t I could explain to her and then we would have one more common interest.

The second thing I had to tell her I knew would upset her because it is a sore subject for her. I really want her to let me say she is beautiful. I wrote that being beautiful is not about being sexy. The first thing that made me really notice her in the beginning was her fantastic smile and those big blues. She was beautiful then and her face still lights up my room.

The third thing was why can’t she tell me what is bothering her when she gets like she was Sunday night and Monday.

When we talked about my letter she said we would wait till covid was over and we had our vaccinations and then she said she would like us to take dance lessons and maybe go to night clubs occasionally. She would like to go out more than we did even before Covid.

The science thing she just kind of rolled her eyes and said you know it really isn’t my thing. Then she added that if it was that important to me she would try to watch once in a while with me if it was about cool science like space launches.

The beautiful thing made her very uncomfortable. She said it IS all about sex. I mostly say it when she is in her nightgown or her bra and panties. I had to agree that she also looks very sexy then but the beautiful is separate from the sexy. I told her that she is just as beautiful when she is dressed for church or work in her heels and a nice tailored outfit. She asked if the heels made her look sexy. I told her no, just beautiful but she gave me a look that said she knew the high heels turn me on. She finally said she wasn’t ready to be called beautiful but I could say she looks “very nice” when she is dressed up. She doesn’t want me to say anything about her looks in the bedroom.

The third thing was very hard for her. All she could say was it was something she had to figure out for herself and she wouldn’t know what to say because it doesn’t even make sense to her. I must have looked worried like I was afraid of losing her because she quickly added that I had nothing to worry about. She is not upset with me. She loves me and will never leave me. She just wished she could love me the way I deserve. That was all she would say about it.

She gave me her letter this morning. I read it and some things bother me a little. It seems as though she is afraid to let me be there for her. Almost like she thinks she is a burden if she asks anything of me. I have to talk to her about my feeling tonight and I hope I can do it without screwing it up. I’m not good at saying what I want to.

 

As I said, Missy gave me her letter before she left for work. It started by saying she just found my post from a few weeks ago about her problems dealing with covid and she is sorry she burdens me with them and will try not to get “chippy” any more. She added she was not going to hit any pillows or break anything, she would try not to say anything to upset me. Then she added it was very nice to be kissed when she comes in and holding her did make her days a little better.

She had a few little comments that were mostly little love notes.

She then came back to the first thing. She said what might help her at least start her next day off better was if I could make love to her her way when we go to bed even when I wasn’t going to get to have sex if “that was okay with me.” She said so I wouldn’t feel cheated it would be okay if I fondled her breasts first.

After supper we talked a while about her letter. I assured her that she can’t hold it in. She can yell at me if it helps because I know how hard the office is for her. You love your job and these crazy rules are making you hate to go to work. You have to vent. You can vent on me and after you vent I will try to help you relax. Her response was, “are you sure because you already give up so much for me?” That caught me off guard and upset me a lot and I told her in no uncertain terms that I have not given up anything for her. She is doing something very hard for her to do just to please me. That led me into my next statement. “How many times have I told you that love making is always your choice?” I told her I am not being cheated. I get to have intercourse on a regular basis and it is wonderful and I really enjoy holding her and when she gets to that “melt in my arms” feeling I feel as good as she does. She said, “please don’t yell at me.” I apologized and and held her for a second and she said it’s okay. She told me she would love me to just hold, kiss, and caress her every night the way I do after our intercourse sessions. But she wants to show me she loves me and she can do that by letting me touch her. We finally agreed that we would take one step at a time. I will hold her and love her that special way this week and then we will ease into more touching when it starts to feel comfortable for her. Again I reminded her that it has to be up to her based on her comfort level and not what she thinks I might want.

She said. “you are so patient and I love you.” I put my arms around her and gave her a little kiss and then said “Ditto” and she laughed cause that is from her favorite movie. Then she said she’d clean up the kitchen and I could go talk to my friends. I am not sure we are on exactly the same page yet.

 

I held her every night for that first week and she got that “fuzzy” feeling or what I call melt in my arms feeling every night except two. Don’t know why it didn’t happen those two. Maybe related to still having her period early in the week. She wears her satin nightgown now all the time because she likes the way my hands feel against the satin against her body. She says it feels romantic but not sexy. Saturday’s love making was moved to Sunday cause we both worked all day Saturday but it was good and I did “enjoy” her body that night and she did get her fuzzy feeling so we both felt good starting the next week.

Last week I started “petting” for lack of a better word a little before and during our special love making. I must say I like the feel of the satin, not just on my fingers but when my arms or any of my skin rub against it. She was always a little tense but wanted me to do it more than I thought I should because I could tell she was not comfortable at that point.. She especially wanted me to fondle her breasts but stopped me when I would touch her genital area. The first two nights I fondled her a little during her love making (at her request) and she was not able to achieve the “fuzzy.” The next night I convinced her we had to separate the petting and the loving. I would not touch her sexually once we started her love making session. It went much better and she melted every night the rest of the week. Saturday night went well for both of us.

I will try to keep moving forward as she wants but I will do it slowly. She is pushing so hard for me to be sexual with her and I know she is doing it for me because she feels she is supposed to satisfy me. I have trouble making her understand that I am satisfied with the sex she gives me and it is all about her feeling loved and comfortable. That is what makes it work. I love her so much.

I am going to make her read this before I post it to make sure she is okay with it and also to try to remind her one more time that she pleases me in every way and we need to move at a pace SHE is comfortable with.

She looked at it shrugged her shoulders and sort of shook her head. Then she said okay. I am not sure she understands how much I want her to feel comfortable when she is in bed with me.