Light at the end of the tunnel...

As it turns out you can accomplish a lot in 10 days when you want to. It wasn't easy as we both still had work, we had the kids and their activities and all the "stuff" to deal with that makes up a life. We made time during the middle of each day to talk in person when possible and on the phone when we couldn't. After we put the kids to bed we would stay up and talk. Sometimes it was just talk and sometimes we'd play cards or scrabble as we talked. After about three days of this, things were pretty positive between the two of us and we agreed that our problems stemmed from a common, but opposing characteristic we share. That characteristic was selfishness.

My wife can't say no to anybody but me. She is the consummate volunteer, organizer and joiner. She has a variety of social clubs, activities and large circles of friends. All of those things come before us. This isn't just a chastity thing, it has been an issue for her for as long as I've known her. If you ask her what is most important to her she'll say my husband and my kids, but in deeds this is totally false. This is not my assessment of her, this is what she acknowledges as a fault and agrees is the main reason for our problems. Her selfishness is towards her self image. The do-good-er, the friend, the one everyone can count on except me.

I'm the other way around. I want our family to be first in everything. Most of my internal conflicts come from things in life from preventing that from being a reality. I tend to be more reserved and am slow to make new friends. I do a fair bit of volunteer work myself, but it tends to be using my company and connections in the industry to build or organize physical improvements like playgrounds, skate parks and walking paths. When it comes to my wife I am always there for her and will set aside everything I'm doing to help her whenever she needs it. I also go to great lengths ever since we started dating to organize and plan things around what I know will make her happy. Where my selfishness comes in is that I want her all to myself. Intellectually I know this is impossible, but that is what I want.

For me left in my world where I am waiting and craving her attention, each slight is magnified. To her it's nothing to worry about to cancel on my husband as he's always there for me. I have a friend who needs advice on beading. Her nothing is my everything. By this point we where focused on rebuilding and restoring our feelings for each other. Discussing changes we would make in the future to make things better and how we would deal with our selfishness. So it completely surprised me when she brought up wanting me to lock back-up and get back to our FLR. I flat out refused as I had zero confidence in our ability to succeed at that point, but asked why she wanted to. Her response was that we were both at our happiest in this type of relationship and she wanted us to be happy. I told her I wasn't ready for that and I wasn't sure I would ever be.

Around day 6 we had a major turning point for me. A blowjob. Some of you are probably thinking wow, big whoop a blow job? In the entire history of our relationship I had never received one from her. By that I don't mean she never had my penis in her mouth before, it had been done as foreplay very rarely. She had never just gone from soup to nuts all the way through with me doing nothing but laying there. One weekend morning in bed she started fondling me, then went down on me. I kept expecting it to end and have her climb on top of me. Afterwards as I lay there I realized this was her making a statement about not being selfish. It was her being the change she wanted to be in action.

Next entry 4 days till departure, what gesture can I make in return?

 

I decided to take the remaining days before my trip to really try to understand what my wife wants. This is not as simple as it sounds as she is not really clear on what she wants herself. This meant trying to break through her own barriers and get her to express herself. I had two obstacles to overcome. First off she isn't very communicative about herself. I'm not just talking about sexually, she just doesn't communicate well about internal things like feelings or desires. Choosing where to go to dinner can be a maddening exercise if I try to get her to express what she wants. If I give her a series of suggestions she'll pick what she wants easily. The second barrier is a lifetime of training on social responsibility and boundaries. My wife wants to be a good wife, a good mother and a good person. Society has created an image of that role for her that really shackles her sexuality. It is wrong to admit enjoying something you're not supposed to enjoy. It is self indulgent to focus on your own pleasure. Being mean is just mean and mean people suck.

Like dinner I began by discussing our sex life and what she enjoys by offering options instead of open ended questions. I included discussions of our FLR and what she enjoys. I also tried to focus on things she didn't like. This wasn't as simple as a yes/no like/dislike answer. I would usually have to draw her out more and explore her answer with her. Perhaps the best example is punishment. Whipping your husbands ass with a belt is well outside the social boundaries of a "good wife". The outcome was that she has very mixed feelings about her pleasure in the process. While there is guilt and concern over hurting me there is also a sense of power and control she enjoys. She most enjoys the after effects. Both immediate in my crawling to her and thanking her while apologizing to her. Also the longer term, like the next day demanding to see the marks and commenting on needing to be more forceful the next time or hoping I've learned my lesson. If I had stopped with a simple do you like this, I wouldn't have gotten to know all of this.

So as a snapshot of where her head was at as I got down to the last day before my trip it worked out as follows. First and foremost she loves me and wants our marriage to be a happy, strong marriage for the rest of our lives. Secondly she enjoys being kinky or non-vanilla in a variety of ways, but doesn't need or want those things if it compromises point 1. Thirdly as long as it doesn't compromise point 1, she wants to be dominant in the bedroom. Frankly this pre-dates chastity and is at least a decade old habit for us. This mainly means she controls the position and activity and she likes to talk dirty about particular scenarios. The introduction of toys to this was a post chastity development and she really likes that and wants to keep that. After all of the above she likes chastity and the FLR arrangement, but not at the expense of point 1.

This last point was fairly complex and involves a lot of different elements. What she enjoys the most about our particular FLR dynamic in order of importance is 1) control/authority/respect 2) domestic service and 3) her sexual satisfaction without reciprocation. What she means by point 1 is that her word is law. There is no back talk or sass. When she says jump I do it and she likes that a lot. The domestic service covers a lot of ground but some of the highlights are a made bed, me doing all cooking, cleaning and laundry and waiting on her such as breakfast in bed on weekends. The third point is pretty straightforward, but she loves being given an orgasm and being able to roll over and go to sleep.

Like punishments she enjoys my dick being locked in a cage because of the sense of power and control it gives her. Neither of these things are things she would do strictly for her own pleasure. She see's both of them as being an integral part of achieving what she wants. For example in simplistic terms I'm unlikely to just go to sleep after her orgasm if I'm free. She likes being my KH, but doesn't need that to be happy. See point 1 above. So what doesn't she like? First and foremost she dislikes my expectations. She feels annoyed and put off by me "wanting more". Secondly and almost on an equal footing she dislikes her own self-doubt. This was a really confusing point for her and it's tied up in the self image I mentioned earlier and her own self esteem issues. My expectations compounding this problem. When I pressed her on the point as to whether I should have any expectations she confirmed that I should, but they should be small and simple for her to do.

Based on all of this I knew what to do for her to show I could be unselfish too. Next entry, my trip and what I left my wife with.

 

Before heading to the airport for my long weekend away this is the note I left my wife.

Dear Xxxxx,

Getting ready to head to the airport and wanted to leave you this note to think about while I am gone. I love you so much and I am so grateful to have you in my life. The last 10 days has brought about some much needed healing and honesty between us. In some ways I feel like we are in a better place than before we had our blow-up. I'm sorry for the part I played in that and I'm grateful you recognized your shortcomings as well.

You showed me in your own special way that you are ready to be unselfish and I would like to do the same for you. I want to give you a choice. I will be happy to return to a vanilla marriage where we love and respect each other and share the load as most couples do. I am happy to return to my Mistress who I worship and serve and return to our chastity/FLR lifestyle. I am happy to return to anything in between.

If you want to limit your dominance to the bedroom I will be happy, but I will limit my submission to the bedroom. If you want to return to our original chastity lifestyle where things are more of a game I will be happy with that too. If you want to create a new dynamic with your own rules I will be happy with that too.

Beyond giving you this choice I want to give you the gift of freedom from my expectations. I wish that I could make this pledge unequivocally, but I can't. The thing is I need you. In any of the circumstances you want to pick, I need you. I can never have enough you and that will be my demon to wrestle with. As long as I have you I will be OK. What does that mean? Well the devil is in the details and that's what we'll have to figure out. What I can give you unequivocally is a month. A month without any expectation for myself. A month where you can do what you want, how you want and when you want. At the end of that month we can discuss, adjust, change or continue.

I love you and look forward to hearing what you want to do in 4 days.

Love Xxxx

Next entry how I pickled my liver in 4 days and what is her choice

 

To quote an infamous jurist, "I like beer". Man did we put that to the test. 4 days of massive consumption and true male degenerate behavior. No women or circus animals involved. Just a lot of beer. You know how we are 98% water, I think I tipped into hops and barley by at least a couple of percent. It was fun and 4 days was the right amount of time.

It also really took me out of the angst and emotional mindset I'd been living in for the last several weeks. It gave me space and distance to realize how far into the abyss I'd really plunged. I was anxious to see my wife and kids again. For any of you that have traveled to Hawaii you know we have that open air airport experience. Those trade-winds, humidity and smell of jet fuel always make me feel like I'm home. I was truly at peace with myself and ready for any decision my wife had come to.as I walked through the airport.

After all we had been through I was pretty confident my wife was going to choose either vanilla or a kink light option. Her priorities clearly leaned that way. So I was shocked that night when she announced I would be locking up indefinitely. That we were resuming our FLR at once. That I was to serve her as she expected. She announced she would be keeping a punishment list and dispensing punishment once each week at a time of her choosing. She would choose when or if my orgasms ever occurred.

That conversation occurred on the evening of September 30. I have been locked since then. I titled this thread light at the end of the tunnel for the old expression about whether I'm seeing the light at the end of the tunnel or the train coming the other direction. I have been true to my word and have had no judgements or expectations. I am enjoying what comes and more accepting this time around of time limitations. I'm trying to see the wanting more of her as a good thing as opposed to something to get resentful over.

For her part she has done well on the little daily reminders. she has added making lunches for her to take to work each day to my already long list of domestic service. She has also added a new requirement that I'm not allowed to go to bed until she does. This has been hard some nights as I'm pretty tired. She has also gotten back into having me rub her feet before bedtime. Despite the fact that we are entering the third week of the month, there has only been one punishment to date and that is a little concerning.

I guess to wrap this thread up and come to a conclusion I am cautiously optimistic. I am more realistic and settled than I have been in a long time. I am vigilant to the dangers this lifestyle has had for us and ready to stop if it is compromising our marriage. The thing is we've both been here before. We fell harder and more violently this time, but we have always stumbled and fallen in this chastity relationship. I hope we have learned enough to ease future bumps in the road. I hope I can find peace here at CM when I need it most. Regardless of all of this, I know I love my wife and I'm happy we have moved past this rough patch in our lives.

 

I wish I knew myself. This all kind of unfolds as we go. I do think the bare minimum for me is just those reminders, however as I said earlier that's my floor. Hard limits being my ceiling and happiness being somewhere in between floor and ceiling. I don't think I could exist happily in this relationship always on floor level.

If your question is specifically about punishment it is about many things. As an example one night last week I failed to close our driveway gate at night. This made her quite mad and was a focus of our punishment session yesterday. So that is behavior correction. It is also the ultimate reminder of whose in charge. There is never any point in time I feel more submissive than immediately before, during and after punishment. It really is unpleasant and I really don't like it, but once I get through it and I've endured it there is a submissive high that is unmatched. I usually leave several chores to do for right after punishment. I can actually be happy folding laundry in that moment. Not an easy thing to accomplish.

 

The month is up and I kept to my word. I had a bit of a crisis of confidence this weekend, but it was mainly internal. Writing here more to share something really cool that happened. My wife unlocked me last night and sent me out with some friends to a bar to watch a football game. It was fun and when I came home she didn't have me lock up. After the kids went to bed she wanted me to service her sexually, but warned me not to get my penis near her. It was glorious in that I love servicing her needs, but I was really hopeful for some attention. After she came she didn't have me lock up and it was harder sleeping out of the cage than in the cage. Had a raging hard-on for what seemed like the whole night. In the morning I woke her gently and after she had woken up she announced it was time for me to lock up. I asked if I could have some stimulation before relocking and she asked me "what would you like?" Well choice one was intercourse and that was a big no. So I asked if I could rub my penis between her butt cheeks, sort of a dry hump if you will. She agreed with the provision I was not to cum and no attempts at penetration. This was the first attention my penis has received since around September 20th. It was awesome. I worked myself up close to an orgasm 3 times. I never got really close as I wanted to make sure I honored her instructions. On the last time she said that's enough, go lock up.

 

I'm starting to worry about a spin out. Since locking in late September things have been going very well. I've had my moments of doubt here and there, but by and large very strong happy dynamic. This last week has been one of those weeks where I feel my wife is either just busy to the point of distraction or is entering one of her passive aggressive shut downs. I'm not sure which. Last Saturday we had a wonderful time together with both kids away on sleepovers. On Sunday she just shut down. There were no reminders, no what we call Mistress moments and no attention of any kind. It's been a busy week for her, even more than normal, so I just put my head down, performed my service and hoped for better days. Then on Thursday night she starts talking about my punishment and quiet things we can do so she can punish me at night without kids noticing. Things like extensive deep blue treatment or electric dog collar to the balls. Makes me pretty nervous, but then nothing happens. Friday night she wants me to go out with some other dads I don't know well. I'd rather stay with her, but I do as instructed. Then before getting ready to go she gives me the key and tells me to unlock. Not completely uncommon, but sort of weird for her to offer it. Usually I request it and she gives a yes or no. Then this morning I take my son to practice and my wife takes my daughter to a test at school. When I get home she's upstairs in bed. She tells me to strip and join her and I do eagerly. We play a little and then she has me give her an orgasm with her wand. Afterwards she tells me I can rub my penis between her cheeks, but not allowed to enter her. I'm grateful and get going and the she says go ahead and cum. It's been since late September, so I'm on the one hand excited, but on the other hand worried. I know I lose my submissiveness after an orgasm and I'm already feeling a little bit weird about the way the week has gone. I ask her if she's sure to give her an out and she says yes. So I do and it was great and depressing as usual. It's muggy as hell here right now, so I got pretty sweaty and went to take a shower. When I got out she has the punishment stuff out. So here I am unlocked, just came and she's telling me to bend over the bed. Holy crisis moment Batman! I was on the verge of telling her where to stick the paddle. I bit my lip and reminded myself "I've been down that road". So I go and bend over the bed and she proceeds to administer the weakest punishment she has ever performed. I mean I was embarrassed for her. It was like she was playing a lackadaisical game of ping pong. When she's done she says put the punishment stuff away.and leaves.

The weird part is we are going on a family trip one week from today. Based on her past history I was quite sure I'd be unlocked for it and most likely allowed multiple orgasms. So I'm thinking maybe she's just getting an early start? Or she doesn't want to deal with this dynamic due to how busy work is? She has gotten extremely resistant to discussing our dynamic and will take offense when I question something. It's just odd that after a week of nothing she would give me an orgasm knowing it totally derails my submissiveness. To follow that up with a punishment that must have been intentionally light is even odder. On the bright side she has demanded I lock back up and her method for allowing me an orgasm was humiliating as was her making me clean it up. I'm trying to focus on doing what I should as opposed to what I feel right now. At the same time I want to be conscious of avoiding my mistake last time of holding on too long and allowing resentment to build to unworkable levels. I guess I just mainly wanted to chronicle the fact that I'm bewildered and a little concerned.

 

I'm sorry if it came off that way, that is not my intention. I was merely writing that I'm concerned. She has in the past by her own admission intentionally torpedoed our chastity and FLR lifestyle. She seems to be doing it again. I am not questioning her instructions, I am performing my services. I just have doubts and concerns. This last week has been different from the prior 6 or 7. Is it an aberration? Or is this one of her moments where she wants to be done. Who knows, maybe she wants our vacation next week to be free from this dynamic. It would be easier if she were more of a communicator. I've also crashed hard post orgasm this time. I feel super emotional and unhappy. I actually just spontaneously started crying last night. I was by myself, so no damage done relationship wise. I guess I feel comfortable voicing my inner demons here and keep them out of my chastity relationship.

 

Thanks guys. Sometimes I feel so different in that I don't have the confidence that others seem to carry themselves with. I've gotten better at accepting her decisions as being right because they are her decisions. I also know sometimes I see monsters under the bed that aren't really there. My last time when things went so far off the tracks scared me. I feel like I've got a responsibility to my marriage to not let our kinks poison our relationship. At the same time I know our kinks have been a tremendous blessing to our relationship. It's just really hard not knowing where her head is at. It's like if your wife comes to bed every night and gives you a kiss and says "I love you". Then one day she just stops. You might not think anything of it on day 1. You can write off day 2 or 3 as an aberration. At a certain point you start wondering why did she stop? Did I do something? Does she feel differently? So you ask and the response is no, I've just been tired. She then resumes her habit, but it seems mechanical and cold. Is it really? Or am I reading into it too much? Sometimes I feel like I pluck at these loose threads in my relationship and create this whole unraveling affect. Should I just leave them be? Can I? Or am I that guy who has to pull at them? Hopefully PMS and sub-drop is an accurate diagnosis. I get to meet up with her for lunch today and spending time with her is a rare treat since the new job came along. I'm looking forward to that.

 

I'm not sure I agree with it, but then again I'm no poster child for making this dynamic work.