Light at the end of the tunnel...

For those I know and haven't interacted with in my two months away, hello again. For those I don't know or who have joined in my absence hello as well. Not sure if I'm back for good or for a visit at this point. I feel a need to chronicle what happened in some way, so for those with an interest read on. Going to break this up into several entries to facilitate both the reading and the writing.

For those that don't know or weren't following the prior threads and plop down into this one, my wife and I hit some rough patches starting back in May. While we have had rough patches in the past they were predominantly limited to our chastity and FLR. They did not impact our marriage or our family. Our dynamic in our FLR is that I am not naturally submissive. I submit to my wife's dominance as long as that dominance is an overt act. Put another way chastity/denial is not just cutting off orgasms. I can lock a key in a safe for that. I believe a KH has an overt and active roll to play in that process. What that role is, is up to her. Similarly if she expects/demands my domestic service this is an overt demand. If I fail to live up to those demands there must be consequences of some kind. Otherwise are they really expected/demanded?

We had a number of false restarts over the course of the summer. Her pattern of action began to speak to me of a passive aggressive desire to be done with our chastity and FLR. I confronted her with these facts and offered to be done with it. I told her she was more important to me than this lifestyle. I could accept a decision to end things. What I couldn't deal with was being told we were going to walk the walk only to find out it was B.S. I saw it as playing with my emotions. It was like dangling my deep desire in front of me, only to yank it away each time I regained the trust to believe in her.

Well she got me to lock-up again as she always does after these worsening spin outs. I was much more nervous this time around. As I said before this had never been an issue in the larger picture of our marriage, but to me I felt like she was really toying with my trust and my emotions almost without regard. Things started off swimingly in the first week. She made it clear in her own way on a daily basis that she was in charge. Simple things like being made to kneel and kiss her feet before she left to work. Our first weekly punishment was short, but intense and it clearly showed she was enforcing consequences for failing to meet expectations. There was little sexual stuff happening. She's never really embraced tease and denial. I prefer to be able to assist in providing her orgasms as often as possible, but she decides if this happens or not.

The second week the wheels started coming off the bus. It started with her doing things for herself that I am supposed to do. Simple things like dinner. We eat as a family, but I prepare her plate and bring it to the table, fetch her drink and clear and clean everything at the end of the meal. She started doing these things herself and many others like it. Instead of expecting/demanding my service she just ignored this and did stuff herself. I'd be making dinner as usual and she wouldn't be around so I'd go look for her and find her doing laundry. Then punishment day came and went with many threats, but no follow through. I think this was the point of my last post here in CM. This is also where I will pause for now. Tune in next time for the unraveling of a relationship that has spanned more than 20 years.

 

Despite what some around CM might think I'm not in need of her constant attention. This time things reached a breaking point about three weeks after she stopped her actions and became a Mistress in name only. The third punishment session came and went with many threats with no action. I was gradually losing my will to perform all the domestic service required of me. In the last week I stopped making the bed, which in ordinary FLR days would have been Armageddon. She didn't care, didn't seem to notice even.

At the end of each week I would implore her to please just agree to end the charade if she didn't want to participate. She would say she's just been so busy at the new job (true) and that she was going to turn things around in the week ahead (false). I would tell her I don't need my dick in a cage to love her, I just needed her to be honest with herself and with me. She wasn't.

I finally had enough. I demaded the key to the cage back and told her I didn't care of the consequences were never being locked again. I was done. She actually got a little mad at me. Accusing me of not being patient or realistic. It degenerated somewhat from there, but ended with me unlocking and packing the cage away for good. Over the next couple of days we had some lingering bitterness and acrimony. We worked through it and she even acknowledged she had dropped off the map.

Things settled into a new normal and could have very well stayed that way if we were both not so addicted to this lifestyle. I was actually fine with things. I started hanging out with my guy friends more playing golf or poker. I was sailing more and getting more regular exercise. I gained back between 5 and 10 hours a week to my life and who can't use more time? It was actually her that first began bringing the idea up again.

At first I just flat out refused. I told her how badly hurt I felt the less time around and that I wasn't willing to risk that again as I literally felt our marriage was at stake. She has always been dominant in bed, even before chastity and she begin to use that to talk about locking me up and making me her bitch. It excited me and in those moments when we were having sex I'd be all on board. "Yes, lock me up, let me serve you." As soon as we were done I was writing it off as pillow talk, but I was thinking about it again. I found myself looking at chastity memes on the internet. I even pulled my cages back out and would wear them for an hour or so.

Finally one night in bed she is being even more aggressive than normal. After she cums she climbs into what I always think of as her seat of power. She straddles my torso with her butt on the upper part of my stomach. My arms are at my side so her legs pin them there. She begins slapping my face. Telling me how disrespectful and lazy I've been. What a trial it's been for her to have to put up with my useless dick being free. How she deserves better. I'm in that weird mixture of heaven and hell. It hurts to have your face slapped. She isn't saying nice things. For me though the humiliation and domination she is throwing at me is also intoxicating.

She ends with telling me I'm not going to cum tonight. That I'm going to lock up in my smallest cage. That I'm going to resume my duties serving her as she see's fit. I should have said no. I should have said this is a bad idea. Instead I said "Yes Mistress".

Next entry, when the shit really hits the fan.

 

I did as she said and went and put on the smallest cage. Not my jailbird, a cheap cap type I bought off Amazon. I come back to bed and cuddle up with her, but inside I'm a total mess. After I'm sure she's drifted off to sleep I roll over on to my back and stare up into the darkness. I realize I am afraid for my marriage. Not afraid that the chastity and FLR won't work out, but genuinely afraid for my marriage. I can respect and live with a decision to end chastity and FLR. What I can't handle is a repeat of what I see as playing with my feelings. It was too hurtful the last time around.

After laying in bed for hours without sleeping I got up and went downstairs. I decided I had to be unequivocally clear with her. I had to give her an easy way out and assure her my love for her was bigger than a chastity cage. So that is what I did. I made a list of all the things we have done over the last several years. It was a pretty long list. I then started separating things into two categories; nice to have and must have. I got the must have list down to 3 things. In total these 3 things would take at most a half hour a week and probably less. I then composed a note telling her how much I loved her. That I didn't need a chastity and FLR relationship, but admitted I am happier with it than without it. I shared what I needed as a minimum if we were going to stay in this FLR. I said I would do whatever she wanted, but if she wasn't committed to the minimum, we were better off stopping.

Satisfied I had done what I could I went to sleep around 3 and woke up 3 hours later to prepare and bring her coffee. I included the note. The rest of the morning was a sleepy fog of getting the kids ready and off to school. The next quiet moment we had alone was that night after the kids were in bed. I asked if she had read the note and she said she had, but seemed annoyed by it. I apologized to her if it was annoying, but shared that I was scared for our relationship based on the way things ended the last time. She said she understood and was committed to the FLR, there would be no backing out.

That night I slept like a baby. Secure in the knowledge that I had conveyed a clear message and she understood it and was not deterred in her commitment. I couldn't have been more wrong. This time there wasn't even a honeymoon period. She completely ignored what I wrote, what I said and what we discussed. I kept telling myself to hold-on. She's just too busy, she'll get to it. A week went by and no punishment was administered or even discussed. This was one of the three things and perhaps the most important. I still tried to persist, I didn't want to acknowledge it wasn't working and this is where I was wrong. I could have ended it without the implosion we were heading towards.

I made it into the second week by continuing to tell myself she's too busy. It was true, she was very busy. Bringing work home each night, up and gone at the crack of dawn and home past dinner a couple of times. Then that fateful day came. I had submitted my punishment list the day before which was again being ignored. I was busy telling myself how busy she was when she surprised me by coming home early. I nearly cried with relief. She was going to come through, she was going to deliver a punishment and reassert her dominance over me.

She came home early to meet a friend to talk about beading. Yes, the craft where you make jewelry out of beads. They were at it for over an hour when she stuck her head out long enough to ask me to go get the kids from school. I actually cried in the car driving to their school. I could not see this as anything more than an intentional act. A decision reached for reasons I couldn't understand to drive a spike through the heart of this relationship. I replayed it in my head, had I not been clear? Did we not have the history already? In all my time with my wife I have never hated her. Sure we've had our fights and we've been mad at each other, but up until this moment I never hated her. On that drive to school that afternoon I realized I hated her.

The irony of this isn't lost on me. If you're like me you fantasize about your wife being the cruel Mistress immune to your suffering. Well if she were genuinely trying to hurt me, she had succeeded admirably and I hated her for it. No punishment spanking, no deep blue on the privates, no boner in a cage, no face slapping or ball punching ever hurt like this. I dried my tears, picked the kids up and returned to house that no longer felt like home.

Next entry, what do you do when you hate your wife?

 

I appreciate anyone who has taken the time to read what I have written and a special thanks to those that have posted themselves. This thread is all past tense as all of this has already happened. This is the story of what took me away from CM and what eventually brought me back. You're welcome to insert your advice when and where you like, but I'd urge you to hear it all the way through before coming to any judgement. I had thought this would be a 2 or 3 entry thread, but it is taking longer to recount than I expected. I hope to wrap it up in 2 or 3 more including this one.

After coming to terms with my anger I did what I believe good parents do. I put a mask on my grief and rage. I made dinner for the family. I made sure homework was done, chores were tended to and kids got in the shower at a reasonable time. I read to my son, looked in on my daughter, came down stairs and pulled the mask off.

I demanded the key to my cage. She hit me with something like "what's your problem". I rarely raise my voice. Maybe 2 or 3 times in the 20 plus years we've been together I've raised my voice to her. I raised it now. "You're my fucking problem and I'm done with it." She was shocked to say the least, but gave me the key. I unlocked and washed up and went to bed. I heard her come in later, but ignored her and pretended to be asleep.

The next day she called me from work and asked if we could talk. I told her I didn't have anything to talk about, but that I would listen. She apologized for ignoring me and ignoring what she agreed to do. I asked why she hadn't stopped when I had given her so many easy outs, a way to end it with disappointment, but not hurt. She said she didn't know. This was a bull crap answer, how could you not know I asked. I told you in no uncertain terms over and over again. She repeated I don't know. I came back with you did know and you acted in a way that seems almost intentional to hurt me. She almost whispered it, but she said "you're right".

To say that was a bombshell was an understatement. What do you say to your spouse of 20 plus years when they openly acknowledge they acted knowingly to hurt you? The words came out of me as a wail, a mournful cry from the depths of my soul; "why would you do that to me?" We were both crying pretty hard at this point. I finally found my voice. I told her I couldn't see her without feeling so much hurt and anger. We agreed to a plan to insulate the kids from anything. On the days I picked them up, she worked late and vice versa. We were still sharing a house, but in effect on a separation basis.

I can't properly express how it felt during this time. Hurt, angry, hollow, sad, hopeless and confused don't do it justice, but they are as close as they can come. For reasons I won't elaborate on divorce isn't an option for me. Knowing this on an intellectual basis made me realize we needed to find a path to reconciliation. That was my left-brain voice. That worked in my moments of solitude, but every time I looked at her I wanted to snarl or to wail. It was like a raw wound and she was salt.

She approached me after about three days one morning while the kids were downstairs. The strain had been wearing on her and she looked at me and fought back her tears and said "please". The rest of what she said went something along these lines. "Please find it in your heart to forgive me. I've been very selfish. I love you so much and I don't want to lose you." That should have been it, but I couldn't forgive her. I wanted to. I knew I still loved her. I saw that she was in pain and I wanted to hold her and tell her that I loved her and that it would be OK. I just couldn't. The admission to intentionally hurting me rang in my ears like a bell and so I stood away from her, distant and cold and said "I'm not ready to forgive you. I don't know if I'll ever be ready."

She was hurt and the tears flowed, but there were voices downstairs calling "Mom, time to go". She put on the same mask I used and walked out of the bathroom calling out "coming" as she dried her tears. After she left I crawled back into bed and cried softly wracked with a terrible flow of emotions that ranged from guilt for rebuffing her to anger at her for her actions. Mostly my mind just went in circles on what action to take next.

Next entry - What is the path to forgiveness?

 

I really hadn't expected to try to address comments as I told the story, however as they seem to be growing I'll try to nip a few in the bud. My wife and I stumbled into this lifestyle and through a trial and error process discovered what works for us. We do not subscribe to the theory that the person in the submissive role is allowed no expectation. Just as we all have hard limits (ceiling) we can also have minimum expectations (floor). Life is happiest somewhere between floor and ceiling. For those that see this as topping from the bottom, please take that tired cliche somewhere else. In my chastity infancy and adolescence I ran and hid my head with shame from this accusation. I've matured to understand all of us are in consensual relationships. Establishing the rules, boundaries and pecking order is up to us.

My floor is pretty simple. I ask that she give me a daily reminder that she is in charge. This can be ordering me to prepare her fizzy water, fondling the cage or anything she wants. It can take nothing more than a few seconds and can take any form she chooses. While the goal is daily the reality is what it is and some days are more and some nothing happens because life gets in the way. The second part is enforcing her demands. If I'm expected to make the bed and I don't, there should be consequences. She has the freedom to decide what those consequences are. Historically she has had me keep a punishment list and submit it to her once a week. She has then done a punishment spanking based on this list. I'll leave the third part of the floor off here, but it's a single activity once a week that takes 10 seconds and she has to do it anyway.

In regards to the time it took to get to this point, it took months. In regards to the final straw the bead thing was a killer for me because it was so symbolic. I was hanging on by my fingernails justifying her ignoring all of the items above due to her schedule and a lack of time. Yet she has enough time to spend hours talking about beading? The true straw was the admission that it was intentional. Imagine you had some precious memento handed down to you by a now dead relation. If the person you loved most in the world accidentally destroyed that you'd be upset, but you'd ultimately understand it was an accident and forgive them. Now what if they destroyed it intentionally and when you accused them of doing it to hurt you they acknowledged you were right. How do you forgive that.

The final thing I'll say before getting back to the telling of the story is I know I share in the blame for what happened. I just haven't reached the point in the telling of the story where I come to that conclusion.

 

About this time I realized I needed to get away. I contacted an old friend and made plans to come visit him for 4 days. Unfortunately (or fortunately as it turned out) between our various work schedules I had to wait 10 days for my escape. Those 10 days would prove pivotal for my wife and I. Had I left right away in the frame of mind I was in, who knows what would have happened.

Life has a funny way of slapping you up side the head every once in awhile. I was still wrapped up in my hurt and anger. I was not speaking with my wife outside of the bare minimum needed to run a house and deal with kids. We were still alternating nights of working late so each could be with the kids without the other being around. It was my night with my kids when my daughter asked if she could get snapchat. I told her that I would look into it and consider her request. Being in her early teens she of course knows everything and begin to push the topic kind of aggressively. I repeated my earlier response which led her to be mad with me. I managed to unwind things, but could tell she wasn't going to let this rest. So after she went to bed I began researching snapchat. Based on her existing connectivity I decided snapchat was unnecessary and frankly of all the social media apps seemed the most fraught with peril.

The next morning in the car I explained my conclusions to her and told her she couldn't have the app. She was upset and argued and fought. There were tears and recriminations. Finally she uttered those words that every parent has to hear at some point "I hate you". When I dropped her off at school she wouldn't look at me, she ignored my "I love you" and stormed off. My kids mean the world to me. I knew tomorrow would be different, but it hurt to know someone you love feels that way about you. SLAP!

I called my wife as I pulled away from the curb. When she answered I told her that I was sorry that it took me this long, but that I was ready to try and make things better. I wish I could tell you that was it. That we rushed into an embrace and all was right in the world, but things don't work that way. We got together that afternoon before the kids needed to be picked up and hugged each other. The initial discussion brought about some basic understandings as follows. She likes me being my submissive self, but she doesn't want to put any effort into being dominant. She openly acknowledges that this is selfish and unrealistic. She acknowledges that she puts everything else in her life before us. Work, friends, kids. She had planned to come home that Friday to do punishment, but when a friend called and asked about beading she said yes instead of saying she was busy.

Then I asked her about the reason behind intentionally hurting me, she responded by saying I didn't mean to, it just happened that way. She kept thinking she would come through and act in a dominant fashion, but never did. She should have realized this and stopped things before they came to the ugly head that they did. It was at this point that I began to see my own failures. First off If I was afraid for our marriage when I relocked, I shouldn't have relocked. I was putting our chastity dynamic ahead of our marriage. It was just as much my fault as hers that we ended up where we did. Also I clearly have a history of trying to hang on too long. I could have pulled the plug earlier in a calm rational moment instead of waiting for the fireworks to go off.

All in all it was a start towards reconciliation. I felt mainly tired and sore like after a long hike. I think we both slept better that night than we had for the last week.

Next entry what can be accomplished in 10 days?