Lauren's Journal

Cute

Oh lil' sis,
You're so cute. You must be a bit revved up from Dollyanne's and my recent post about being out and about imagining ourselves as real girls. It's so much fun - people watching.

 

Just one of the girls

Yes Dolly,
I can't emphasize enough how fun i is being one of the girls. It's so much fun. I was free and easy with my hair blowing, pert breasts, and tanned body playing in the sun. I wish I had a riding partner that understood. *kisses*

 

Can you dance like a girl?

I was heading home from a drive in the mountains with my favorite tunes blasting wearing my new purple over the knee stockings, high heels, mini skirt, black panties and sports bra. I started dancing and wiggling, squirming in my car seat and had the most thrilling notion.

I was basically moving and dancing to the beat, but as a gurl. I started to wonder how I would look dancing - if I danced as a girl. It got me really turned on to think that here's another aspect of being and emulating the fairer sex.

I would love to know if any of you have tried to dance when you're all prissied up in your girl persona? Can you dance in heels? Do you look hot? Would someone really be able to tell that you were anything but an actual girl moving to the beat? I'm sure that I would kind of suck at this at first, but it gets me all hot and turned on to think that if I practiced I might look real sexy when dancing in my girl form. :butterfly:

I think this might be a real test for any of us who are trying to "pass". For the rest of us maybe it would be a nice escape - a way of expressing our inner girl. For me that girl is always trying to find new ways of busting out and it really is a turn on when I find a new way to express it...

Well, off to the mirrors to practice my moves! *giggles*

 

Pretty Panty Spanking

Several weeks ago I tried to draw my wife more into my needs and desires to be spanked. During foreplay I begged her to spank me and I kept it light and silly so that she didn't feel too uncomfortable. I kept mentioning it, hoping that she'd bend me over her knee and spank me because I "was naughty and had been wearing girl panties and needed a proper spanking"...

Well nothing happened, except for the notion she came up with to create a new porn website where we made videos of a woman or girl spanking panties. Not someone wearing the panties mind you, just empty pretty panties spread out on a bed or leather sofa and a dominant gorgeous woman spanking the panties. I know it sounds really stupid, but it created a moment of shared enjoyment between us and possibly made some headway towards me being (someday) in THOSE empty panties with my bottom all reddened from a good spanking.

I'm so desperate for her touch I'll even fantasize for perfectly empty panties being spanked - hoping I could someday be in them myself. I need someone who understands me and I feel so empty, unfulfilled and horny right now!

*Grrrr* Well, here's to the uncertain unknown future "someday" - I always have that to look forward to.

 

*sigh* I'm getting that feeling again that I need to spank myself I guess. A good strong leather belt might do it. Sometimes this is just all I can do to "feel better" about myself. Most people would think that it's self-abuse or self-mutilation - like teen girls that cut themselves. Maybe there's a similarity to that behavior. I don't know, I'm just trying to feel something, anything, pain, pleasure - I don't know sometimes.

Is that wrong?

The only thing I do know is that it's something I need - spanking that is. But it usually leaves me feeling a little guilty afterwards that I've harmed my sweet gurl body (which I hold sacred)... Good thing the welts it leaves goes away after a bit, but the warmth inside it creates is such a turn-on. It's such a weird feeling.

*sorry* I'm feeling all self-pitying and melancholy right now. Maybe it's the cold weather that's come through today.

I guess in the end, this is just another complex facet of the beautiful yet perplexing gurl inside that I call "Lauren".

 

Call and Response

Dearest Dollyanne,
Lauren watched your suggested spanking video, taking your advice of chastity in mind, but she didn't get off seeing "some guy in a maid's uniform" being spanked. I'm sure Sissy Karen enjoyed it (if that was her) and Lauren isn't trying to be rude or unkind to her - just read on and you'll understand I hope. Certainly Mrs. Birch was into it!!!

But, Lauren found a video of a disobedient girl being spanked to be hugely erotic and found herself slipping into a delirious puddle of wanton vulnerability wishing it were her instead.

The truly duplicitous thing about these spanking videos and Lauren's response is how two-faced Lauren is in that she herself is a boy dressed up as a girl (we know this) and yet she identifies so strongly with being female that she feels more for the helpless girl (and I mean really helpless!!!) being spanked, not some dude wearing a dress who wants to be caned. (again, no offense meant towards Maid Karen).

Sounds confusing, but yes Lauren is a slutty girl with a boy exterior and that's just how this bitch rolls. How about that!

==========================================
Now more than ever Lauren is hurting for a good spanking, but hasn't happened upon the "alone time" she needs to get this scene on. Maybe a picture is forthcoming, but only if she still looks hot and gurly - have you noticed that Lauren really tries to look like a girl in her photos? She often will hide her male parts hoping to capture her feminine side as much as is possible for her situation.

Lauren has spanked herself before of course, but doesn't like the actual look of her rosy bottom if there are welts or marks. She prefers a very red bottom without actual marks. The warm stinging pain is of course scrumptious, but she hasn't found the ideal tool that will "leave no trace" while still giving pleasure and a nice rosy bottom that she so deserves.

Can anyone suggest a tool that will make Lauren's bottom red without leaving marks or welts? A nice bare hand would seem to work best, but it's so hard for Lauren to reach around and deliver the harsh blows that get her so turned on and hot from just her bare hand. Need more leverage or something. Maybe a big paddle that would strike her entire bare tushy? *yummy*

Gosh, what is a gurl to do? Please help if you have an idea for how Lauren ought to be properly spanked - keeping in mind that she has to deliver the spanks herself.

 

Shaved again - others will know!

The weather has chilled down and Lauren was curious as all gurls are to know how her legs look when all smooth and shaved and toned from her summer of hard work riding her bike. Lauren has been shaving her thighs forever it seems - always stopping well above her knees, but wanted to work her way down - all the way down.

Since it's cooler Lauren hasn't been wearing shorts, opting for long pants now (it's actually started snowing today! - yeaaaa). So she felt that as long as only she knew about it, her wife, and her massage therapist then that would be okay since no one else would see her bare legs.

First Lauren brought the subject up with her wife, hoping she would not mind - it was after all to show off her studly manly legs - all built up from riding her bike. Of course readers you know and I know how sexy and feminine Lauren's legs look under sheer cream hose and a pink garter belt... *sigh* Well wife said it was okay, but didn't want me on her side of the bed when "they get all prickly like sandpaper". Well I was off to the races and shaved my legs the next day! A few days have passed and Lauren donned her bike shorts and went for a nice bike ride by herself and loved the silky feeling of the air passing along her smooth legs on her ride. Her calves look so nice and sexy. It is such a turn on to see the results from her hard work! *boasting **gush** * She doesn't care if strangers sees her on the bike path when in her bike shorts, but if she saw someone she knew it might make Lauren a little shy even though she's dressed as a man - just with very sexy feminine legs!

OMG my sissy gurl friends. I think Lauren (the feminine side) is taking over her (male host) body completely as it's been days since she shaved and her hair isn't even coming back at least on the lower half of her legs. It's so exciting of a development. Tomorrow Lauren gets a full body massage by her female massage therapist. She (Kellie) will know for sure - should Lauren warn her first when they talk & plan the massage or just let things happen?

Lauren showed off her legs to her wife and asked her to touch them... *sad* it creeped Lauren's wife out and didn't think it was sexy to her. *double sad* Lauren's wife responded that she bet that this was more of a thing like wearing girl's panties and that Lauren was really doing it for that reason instead of the bike excuse Lauren stated. (well duh. That's no surprise, so I'm not worried about that, but I wish she was into it like I was). *sigh* *grrr* *gnash*

Lauren is quite excited about her massage tomorrow and needs your advice! This is a small step towards "coming out" I guess and Lauren is apprehensive about it, but there's no turning back! Lauren doesn't get aroused during her massage so that's not a problem. She's mostly concerned about making the massage therapist uncomfortable. (Though it is exciting and it makes Lauren all warm inside knowing she will be revealing a part of her to someone she knows).

Today has been a sexy fun day of wearing my pink garter and stockings and posing for myself. Lauren relished in her outfits and tried on several as she brought herself to such naughty orgasms - one after another. Such pent up desire. She loves sneaking peaks of her legs. Even without stockings - all bare, tanned and toned - it is such a turn on and today was a day where anything goes and there were no feelings of guilt or hesitance. A day of guilt-free pleasures! It was a special day for Lauren - the femme girl.

Peace out! :butterfly:

 

Gurls - your ideas are right on. Thanks.

Update: I had the massage, but it didn't even come up. She's pretty cool and she knows I'm a bike rider so if she even thought about it she probably concluded on her own that I did it because a lot of cyclists do shave. (One nice perk about that sport!) Kellie did work my legs A BUNCH because my quads were all knotted up. (She gave me stretching homework!)

If I may share with you all, I guess I really have two reasons for shaving:
:chores008: One: because I'm a total narcissist that loves looking at herself. I like the payoff from all the hard work from cycling - it is a turn on to see my bare legs looking so lovely now.
:danger: Two: because I'm a gurl that needs to feel as much like a girl as she can!

Thanks again for the advice. :manga_beat: As I get to know my sports massage therapist better and gain trust I might share my gurlish reasons as Rachel has - it would be fun to let my hair down with another girl and share a secret like this. The notion is quite interesting to me.

 

There's a delicious sounding affair coming soon to our city - the 10th annual Victorian Fetish Ball! Lauren wants to go in the worst way.

But what to wear? She looked at a gallery of pics and saw that pretty much anything goes. If Lauren was to go by herself she would probably wear something more formal and macabre than her sissy plaid skirt. Then again maybe she could go formal for awhile, then change into her favorite skirt and get all cheeky and coquette in her school girl uniform for the later evening hours... Either way she would vow to be chaste!!

Lauren asked her wife if she wanted to go and got a "like no, that doesn't sound interesting in the least" *harumph*

What to do? Lauren will keep investigating this with her wife.

:ciao: for now!

 

It's been ages since Lauren posted anything, but now she's feeling the need to express something. Lauren loves dressing up and looking cute as the gurl inside we all know from her alluring photo shoots.

But lately Lauren has been wistful. It seems that her inner boy has reasserted his self. You see Lauren has started training with her best friend (a boy) in order to be in some triathlons this summer. She's going to the gym ALOT swimming some days (like today), runs other days and spins on a cycle on still other days. One thing that worries Lauren is being seen by all those boys in the locker room so she's let her body hair grow out and that just makes her feel more butch. Sometimes she even wears boy underwear instead of her girl panties if she has a choice. Lauren so loves her body though. She's lost a few pounds, has very little fat and just feels so sexy now in her fit lean state. All this makes Lauren rather horny and she just has no self-control - not being chaste right now. Lauren loves to feel her body, it sends her into slut derilirium and she thinks such naughty thoughts.

So to sum things up, Lauren has been such a dirty girl lately. But she's also feeling wistful at times because all this hard work training her body and being in locker rooms with all those hairy boys seems to have an effect of making her boy side emerge. She's having boy thoughts more than sissy gurl thoughts. During daily life Lauren wants to hang out with the guys in her life and do guy stuff BUT when she's alone she touches herself and imagines being taken by a rough boy. It's not what her chaste sissy self might do, but it does indeed feel really good.

 

Confused?

Yes Lauren may be a little confused. Her head is so filled with ideas of being both boy and gurl. Sometimes she yearns to be a gurl and other times she's completely comfortable with her boy coming out and being himself. One thing for sure though is that even when dressed as a boy; her truer form as a gurl shows through in her demeanor, the way she moves, and the way she thinks. If only, if only... time for sweet dreams!

 

Well that's been going on for quite sometime - the thoughts I mean. But Lauren has a rich fantasy mind with all kinds of situations as many of us naughty gurls do - right sissy gurls? Sometimes Lauren is really a girl and having sex with another real girl, other times her boyself is doing the nasty with a random hot girl, and still other sometimes Lauren is being all sexed up by her own boy self - like there's two of me: 1 boy and 1 girl.

Miss D nearly always says just the right stuff in just the right way - but Lauren is happy in her confused delirium. Miss D might say that the true cure for this gurl is to live out her days as a complete sissy gurl serving some one like Miss D if Lauren was worthy or that a week of chastity would straighten this sissy gurl out for sure, but that's just not gonna happen with how reality is in Lauren's real life that she lives day to day. *sigh*