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KHs - Talk - Tell us How YOU Do it.

Discussion in 'The Tower' started by Thatguyontheinternet, May 12, 2017.

  1. I'm at a boring work thing all morning, and thumbing through post after post from men who want their woman to take more control. To choose which underpants they wear, to do this or do that. So from some practicing KHs, tell us the reality. Tell us how you do it.

    How do you run your household? How do you manage the person you've got locked? Specifically? And what are the hard parts for you? What do you find difficult?

    Are you strict? Do you think it really matters if you are or aren't? Do you bother with rules or consequences? How do you decide on releases, punishments, et.?

    When the two are at odds, what take precedence, your needs, or your rules / proclamations? Speak! Well, type.
     
  2. There are a couple moderators here who also hold key. I think it would be nice to have a window into their chastity approach.

    How do you maintain discipline? How do you keep it fun? How do you decide when and how releases will occur or when / if the device comes off?

    Let's hear it ladies. I know me AND @Thatgirl@Thatgirl would love a closer window into how others do this long term.
     
    manintyres likes this.
  3. As a male who had been at this for awhile and taught his KH all she knows about chastity, I will weigh in here for what it is worth. In 47 years of fetish play I have always had to make my own Mistresses. Seems that women are not born with leather boots and whips in their hands. Funny thing is that they do not seem to want to dominate the men they love or cuckold them. Well, one girlfriend did both.

    We realize that fetishes are sex games. They are not the focus of our life or lifestyle. They have to be fun for both of us or we do not play them. I have been blessed with a wife who will bring in outside help if she is not into my fetish and did so for 30 years of our 44 years of marriage. So first thing is that dominant women are made, whether by circumstance or training. Our fetish play ends at the bedroom door. I go from sexual submissive to super alpha male in the blink of an eye. My wife is 4' 11" and 90 lbs. I am 6' and weight 240 lbs. No way she is going to dominate me outside of sex. We actually view marriage as a partnership. More on that below.

    When we started chastity we had rules and later on they were not necessary and tended to take the control away from my wife. Now we only have one rule; my wife makes the rules for our sex life but I do have one say. All I require is that we have sex once a week. She decides when I orgasm or not. We used to negotiate the minimum number of orgasms each year but this year she has 100% say in that matter.

    Although our fetish play has always ended at our bedroom door, chastity is different because my chastity cage is always on me. So there is some play outside of the bedroom but it is teasing, not dominating. Our marriage is a partnership in the sense that no one does anything without the other's approval. We have always been able to compromise. We also keep each other's wants and needs in mind when making any decision that affects the other or our marriage. We also divvy the chores up by who is best qualified to do them. My wife has always been mistress of our home. I used to be away from home on business at least 3 months out of each year. She ran held the fort down and as a result became a great handyman or handywoman. :)

    With chastity we had to learn as we went. We tried the FLR thing but my wife said I was trying to steal her job. She wants to be a housewife and takes pride in keeping our house clean and well decorated. She still cooks me every mail while our fellow retirees eat out every night. So I work all day and she buys our food and keeps the house spic and span. We moved a few years ago to a much small one story ranch type house to make it easier for my wife. She has a bad hip and the stairs in our other house were painful for her to walk up.

    We also tried the feminization play and all that other stuff because we often try fetishes just for the experience. Now just do teasing and denial. Although I wear my cage almost every minute of every day because I work from home, we are practical about it. I am getting ready to get a haircut and my wife unlocked me. I know from experience that the barber chairs and my cage do not get along well and the first time I was in pain the whole time of the haircut. Went to the doctor and he wanted to do a prostate exam. Dentist is also a problem with their chairs that move you into position. In general, if I cannot control how I sit, am involved in a physical activity or am not in a place where I can slip into a bathroom to use my emergency key if needed, I do not lock up. I also generally do not lock up in several other situations since I legally carry a gun and am very self defense conscious after a mugging attempt and store robbery in my past. I do not want anything that will impede me or make me more vulnerable. So we are practical about the chastity device. The cage is not the focus of our fetish; the T&D is, locked or not.

    I do have a safe word that I had for 47 years. If I utter it, all comes to a halt and we talk. The talk is outside of our fetish roles so if I say I need an orgasm, I get one. If I say the cage hurts, it comes off. I have never used my safe word though. Once it ended up in surgery for me when I should have used it. My thinking is that I never go into any fetish without discussing limits and what I like and do not like. Most into fetishes are not like portrayed in porn where the male is cleaning the floor on his hands and knees and is a 24/7 slave to a cruel Mistress or wife. That is fantasy stuff 99% of the time. No one wants to be a slave unless they have some psychological issues. Initially it is exciting to guys but once that initial excitement wears off, they wake up one morning and just do not feel like licking anyone's feet. :)

    After 44 years my wife knows me very well. She knows signs that I am about to orgasm that I was never even aware of. She can play my body like a well used fiddle. She also knows when I am in real physical and mental distress and if she does not hear me use my safe word, she will do what is necessary to remove that distress. After all, she does love me and it is only a game. So I have a double safety. My safe word and my wife's monitoring my physical/mental state. I feel 100% safe that way. Due to this I do not worry about when my next orgasm will be. I know that it will be when I really need it. That can be 6 weeks or 4 months. Never less than a month though. We believe that chastity starts when I really feed the need to orgasm.

    Our sex is mostly edging for me with hand or mouth. My wife usually has one or two orgasms with her vibrator or rarely, by oral sex. I am sometimes locked during sex but most times my wife likes to hold my penis while using her vibrator on herself. That makes it different than masturbation in her mind. That is pretty much it. After 4 years I am not that aware of my chastity device, a Jailbird. It is comfy and just part of my daily wear. My chastity cage is not the focus of our chastity. It is an added stimulant and a speed bump to give me pause before I ruin the thing I want, which is orgasm denial.

    We view chastity as a joint effort. I want it and my wife wants it. I have standing orders about no masturbation and always being locked up so she does not have to check. I never cheat, locked or not as I would only be cheating myself. Chastity play cannot last long term if the guy is always trying to find a way to masturbate or cheat. Few wive want to be a warden. All that stuff about handcuffing the guy and doing this and that is all well and good but it is a lot of work for the KH and in a marriage, it may be fun for a few weeks but to keep that up every day, make chastity a chore for the KH.

    That is pretty much it. My wife is not locked up, so chastity is not on her mind very often as it is for me. I had to learn to stop talking incessantly about chastity. As for my orgasms, I have them when I really need them. I like to try to beat my record of 4 months but if I cannot, so what. It is only a game, not my life or focus of my marriage. Sex accounts for a very small percentage of our time in our marriage so perspective is always a good idea. Make being key holding easy and men will have more luck getting their wives to do it. My wife just has to deny me orgasms. That is it. It is not a job for her.
     
  4. Joroincharge
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    Joroincharge Lock em up - 24/7/365!!
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    Where to start?
    Once you've got them by the balls every which way then no problem!:)
    My situation is wholly unlike yours (or most others infact). So won't help you much. For a start he's not in my household, but visits to do chores. But HTD if you like.
     
    manintyres likes this.
  5. By all means! Discuss! And if you're situation is different from ours then it will be that much more enlightening.

    Plus, you say "once you've got them by the balls". How'd you get him by the balls? That seems like it would be pretty universally good info. I know my KH would love to know how other KHs assert control efficiently. It's a hard thing here, especially because she has trouble honoring "punishments", especially if the punishment was extra cage time.

    So yes. Share!

    The idea of the thread was to hear Key Holders explain the way the manage chastity. How they maintain control, how they approach the whole thing.

    Hopefully we get some responses.
     
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  6. Joroincharge
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    Joroincharge Lock em up - 24/7/365!!
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    Watch this space.
     
    manintyres likes this.
  7. Watch I shall.

    And I swear I know how to use apostrophes and the difference between you're, your, seem and seam, but my iPhone knows better than me, or so I thinks. Sloppy autocorrect
     
    manintyres likes this.
  8. What's more of a thrill for a guy who's just been locked up for an unknown amount of time? Say 3 days to a week because we are just starting out.

    Option A, he's already gone 3 days since his last O as he's been trying out his cage on his own. I was thinking tomorrow I'd just hide his keys without telling him. After 4 days I'm sure he's starting to ache and I think it would give him a nice thrill to suddenly not know how much longer he'd have to wait. I'll probably tell him I want to try it out for a month to really scare him.

    Option B tease and edge him for a while before locking him up. Maybe pretend I'm going to let him O over and over before I get done and don't let him?

    I think A has more of a suprise factor but maybe for a quy getting really hot and bothered first is more thrilling. What do you think?
     
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  9. 3 days? Oh my, I don't get anything less than a month these days, and usually at least two. Not that it is a competition, just that is the way Elle does things. I shall try to get Elle to have a look at this thread, it might be something she feels she can answer. She did join months ago but real life issues meant she had no chance to try and be more involved. Actually, it is Saturday and I am away from home with no chance of using my Saturday talking privileges, so maybe she will have a go at answering.

    We shall see...
     
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  10. Joroincharge
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    My situation's quite differest from most (including yours) as it's triangular. My sub is my ex bf, who lives with his wife but neither she nor I have or want sex with him after he was caught cheating. So now she and I get what we want in that department elsewhere, while he doesn't. She controls all the vanilla assets (is otherwise vanilla herself) and I control his bits and the keys.He's too much to lose if he tries to wriggle out.

    But in general terms what it need is (a) a KH who really wants something she can to all practical purposes enforce and who knows want she wants and is determined to get it and (b) because the arrangement can never be enforceable vanilla (though there could be a vanilla contract for something else as well), she needs some handles else to keep him in line.These can vary enormously acording to individual situations.

    One good one that looks to be developing is fatbloke6, just moved in with his ex who's been his KH on and off for some years now. No sex involved: she gets what she wants there from someone else.IMO an ex who's really into it can make a brilliant KH. I'm having PWs on FL with another guy who's ex has recently become his KH too and is fixing his sex life completely. he won't get any - period.

    But your relationship is nothing like any of these, so the handles would need to be quite different. However, to get to the basics needs lateral thinking and imagination and desire on the part of the KH.Many KHs don't need or want this. It all depends.
     

  11. Option A would certainly be exciting for me. I respond as much or more to mind games than I do to physical teasing. Now that we are well past the initial stages as it sounds like you are, I prefer to know when my release date is (with the understanding that there are no guarantees). The number of days itself is individual. 3 days or so is exactly where we started, and stayed for quite a while. We settled in to a two week lock up cycle. Denying me orgasms was never my KH's ultimate goal, controlling them was. So at this point it is indeed length of lock-up that she uses (or tries to use anyway) to get me where she wants me in terms of my mindset. But we give in and have sex early as often as not. And that's totally fine! Don't worry about that. But yhe one thing I will say is, if you "punish" him with adding days to a lock up, or just tell him you're adding days for no reason other than you want to play with his mind, its important that you follow through. If you say "if you do this, this will happen", then it's important that "this". We struggle with that and as a result I sometimes roll my eyes on the inside when she threatens to add days, or gives me "difficult" choices that include adding time as a consequence of one of them because I know pretty surely whatever she says for lock up days isn't ultimately going to happen. It can be challenging for me all the same, since I never know whats going to happen - but at the same time, take our example: If there's no risk that you actually make him wait a certain amount of time, don't threaten to make him wait that long.
     
    Nicoftime likes this.

  12. That is indeed quite an interesting situation. I am always curious and intrigued learning about other's, more unique arrangements.

    But as you say, one thing is pretty universal - she needs to want something out of it, enjoy it at some level, and most importantly to keep even the illusion of control over anything but the key itself, she needs to identify those handles you mention and be working them in some way at all times. It's almost like someone has to be in control, so if it isn't the KH via her key and manipulating those levers, then its likely the bottom actually in control.
     
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  13. Joroincharge
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    That's right. Another good example (this one of a married couple) is MDsh, posts here from time to time and also has a blog (though that's not been updated since last July.

    Is here:

    https://mdsh143.com/
     
  14. She normally doesn't mention days locked, but every once in awhile she gets in a mood to play a game of sorts. The last one was I had to fuck her without cumming or pulling out for 5 minutes. I had not cum in 3 weeks and we had just finished a long session of pleasing her which always gets me right to the edge. If I didn't make it it would be 3 months of lock up. I didn't make it. I pulled out but it was a ruined one. She said since I tried so hard it would only be six weeks. In reality it was more like 2 lol. It's her rules so she can break em, but the long lock up threat isn't as much of a sentence as it sounds. She once made a bet for a year, I won that one but seriously doubt she would have kept me locked that long.
     
  15. Three days may be a start. My Mistress Wife unlocks The Contender four times a year with no promises of what will occur. We have a phenomenal marriage and she totally controls our intimate life. She is good at it and gets better all the time. Mistress has given no "O" since Easter and the next possible one is in late August. In the meantime... Wow!!
     
  16. That's a very good point, I definitely want him to believe he's going to be locked as long as I say. Now that I think about it I'd prefer him to believe he's going to be locked a bit longer than I initially say.


    Lol yeah I think I'm going to make it my goal to always go a few days long than I tell him. I don't have plans to play for weeks or months just yet but I definitely don't want him expecting to get out early.

    I'm not really sure how long we will both enjoy it so im planning to start with 4 days then let him out to play but convince him to go back in for just 3 more days instead of letting him get off. Then 4 days later do it again and see how long he's willing to stay denied on his own. When he finally can't stand it anymore and doesn't let me convince him to wait a few more days. I'm going to tell him how proud I am for him lasting so long and that I need to plan something special for his O and we'll just lock it back up for a few days while I get everything ready. Lol yeah I like that.

    That will give me an idea of how long he's happy to go and he can get a little taste of what it's like to lose contol and have his limits pushed. It's obvious there many different situations people use chastity in but for us I think we're mostly just spicing things up by taking our tease play to the next level. To be honest I've read alot of stuff that I have trouble believing but who knows maybe months from now he'll still be happy to go a few more days if I'll just put my mouth on it for a second lol.
     
  17. That's incredible, I truly can't imagine making my man go without for so long. That definitely falls into the category of something my nieve mind has trouble believing lol. I really do have alot to lean. I'm not sure if I should congratulate you or feel sorry for you.

    The more I find out about chastity the more I realize how much complexity it could have. Far more than I ever thought.
     
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  18. Joroincharge
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    O yes. You manage it properly and you can get whatever you want. The sky's the limit. And if you can also make it so he won't practically be able to reverse it, Bob's your uncle!:):):):)
     

  19. You can make it as complex or simple as you like .
    There's no "right or wrong" way to do this , it's what makes you happy and what your comfortable with is all that counts .
    Every relationship is different and chastity lifestyle is just as varied as the couples that practice it .

    Please just enjoy yourself and go at your own pace and go with what you feel comfortable and happy with .
     
  20. Manintyres has it spot on, there is no right or wrong. Going back to the original question, no, I'm not strict, I don't go for the control thing, what I want is a satisfying sex life.

    For me that means using chastity as a means to an end. I get what I want, when I want and with whom I want. My husband gets what I want and when I want ... and with whom I, the emphasis on I, want.

    That works for us

    J x
     
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  21. That's what I plan on, but I'm curious about what other keyholders get turned on about aswell.

    We sort of found our way into chastity play because I just like to have alot of orgasms. After we first got married I found that I usually wasn't satisfied before he was spent. By the time we waited until he was ready again I would have cooled down, then just as I'm really getting into it again he goes down for the count. 3 or 4 isn't bad but around 10 is when I really feel satisfied. So i started telling him he couldnt cum until i was done and for years we've been happy with that. We do our thing like normal except he alternates between his mouth and his cock until I've had my feel and then he gets his.

    Recently he started thinking it would be fun if he waited until the next time we made love so he could sit around being frustrated I guess. That escalated to him wanting me to decide when he could get off and when he had to wait. Now he seems to also be turned on by me being in control of when he's allowed to have a boner. Hence our new chastity cage.

    Now it sounds fun to me but after reading about it and looking at chastity porn with him I'm also kinda worried about where it might be escalating to next. Like I've seen stuff about being locked up making a guys cock shrink. I don't want that if its true and his cock really doesnt have any extra room in there. I've read about men not being able to last as long having sex... I definitely don't want that! Plus countless other things like domination, humiliation, feminization, all sorts of stuff that's not a turn on for me. More power to everyone who gets hot that way but I really just want to have my brains fucked out. Making him wait awhile definitely makes him more energetic in the bedroom but even though it sounds hot I'm not sure yet if I'm going to like the effects of keeping his cock caged.

    However I'm about to find out. =D
     
    manintyres likes this.
  22. First, most of what you see on the internet is fantasy stuff that weirdos sit around and masturbate to. Chastity won't shrink his cock; not permanently anyway. After extended lockups (months at a time) I have had experiences where I couldn't get very hard and when I did it was a bit smaller, but that all returns to normal in a matter of hours or at worst a day or two.

    Where it all leads is up to you and your husband. It doesn't have to lead to cuckolding, feminization, or any of that other stuff.

    My wife and I are living proof that chastity can be very vanilla if you prefer it that way. We don't do any feminization stuff, she is not dominant, no anal stuff, no spankings or punishment, she doesn't even like oral. The only things that set us apart from "normal" couples is we keep my cock locked up and I only get to use my hands and fingers during sex.
     
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