Keyholder learning about herself

Discussion in 'Novices and newbies' started by longtallsally, Apr 28, 2022.

  1. longtallsally
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    longtallsally Long term member

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    What a lovely friendly forum. Thank you for the welcome.

    Well, I only made my first post a day ago and I've already learned a lot. Thank you.
    Some of the responses have articulated what I hadn't really managed to think through for myself. Especially, thanks to @Subhub101, @BarbCD and @MSDB321

    The point that if I find something sexually arousing then my partner (still can't quite call him 'pet'!) will probably find it exciting too - I realise that's really important. My difficulty is trying to work out just what it is I do find exciting in this context.

    That restaurant moment was a complete surprise to me, and it's what made me sign up here. All our chastity games, alongside other fun things we do, were just for an hour here or there, and I always unlocked him when he asked or when he needed to pee. When we were in the restaurant and I refused the key, I did it because i thought it would be a fun power-kick - I don't know - like, say having a good gym session, or winning a competition. I thought it would be fun but I certainly wasn't expecting it to be sexually exciting. Yet by the time he eventually came back from the loo, (takes a bit of time with a cage, doesn't it!) I found myself really physically aroused. Honestly, my body had responded - properly responded - before I'd even thought about it in that way. I know it wasn't particularly the pee thing itself - I think it was having control over something so basic and so usually private. I just don't know what else I might respond to in the same way, that might also come as a surprise. And I feel a bit awkward asking him to do something, all locked up, when I actually don't know whether I'll like it or not.

    Some people have suggested having him use his tongue on me. I love that sensation, but am a bit confused about whether I'd enjoy it as much if I felt he was having to do it, rather than doing it because he wants to. One thing I've been pondering is to wait until we're both in the right frame of mind and he's locked up (we only do this for an hour or two remember) and then maybe touch myself. I thought his reaction might tell me something about what he'd really like. Would he want to watch, or help? I know it's best to communicate but I don't want it to feel yucky.

    The main I've been thinking about is just to make him wait, like I did when we came back from our friends and we left the cage on until the following morning. I do like the idea of being able to choose the moment - but only if he'll be ok to go along with it.

    I've just read this back and I realise my tone is not exactly projecting power and control!! I also realise that keyholders are meant to come across as confident and know exactly what they're doing. I know I'm not doing that here, but that's I think why I joined. I feel I can't express all these doubts to him because it might kill the feeling of control, or his perception of it, which I think he would enjoy. Expressing my doubts to him might kill something before it even has a chance to grow. I hope this makes sense.

    Thanks for listening.

    Sal
     
  2. MSDB321
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    MSDB321 Long term member

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    I think its a question of timing, if you are only locking him for an hour or two then he is not going to get terribly horny. It is when he is that he will start to do almost anything to enjoy your body. So oral will be one of those things. You are already thinking about making him wait and that is what is necessary. Go for a 2 day lock up and see how he is.
    In the beginning most KH do not know everything. Continue to explore and you will find that you get more control and more confidence.
     
  3. longtallsally
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    longtallsally Long term member

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    Thank you. I'm beginning to understand... :)
     
  4. Danny15
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    Danny15 Long term member

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    Don't worry too much . Everyone will get different things from chastity. It's a journey to be enjoyed. You don't have to be a confident controlling bitch character, you can equally be soft ,loving , gentle and considerate. You are who you are and he loves you for that . You will grow into who you want to be at your own pace and he will just adore you more. My wife has known about my Chas desire for 20 years , she doesn't show much interest, I self lock , she knows I'm caged every day but does not take an active role , she is happy to tease me a little when we get intimate , always tells me to unlock and never tells me to re lock . I love my wife regardless and adore her for not freaking out about my chastity kink . If she ever participated in any other way I would love her even more . Don't worry about stereotypes or what you think is expected of you. Grow at your own pace , however long it takes. Good luck .
     
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  5. longtallsally
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    longtallsally Long term member

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    That's just lovely. Thank you. I think I needed to hear that. There's no right or wrong way. I expect I'll gradually work out what excites me, and us. And so will he. Thanks again for posting such a nice message. Sal
     
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  6. anasyrma
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    anasyrma Long term member

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    Don't feel awkward asking him to do things, especially when he is locked in his cage. Having him lick you to give you pleasure with him caged means he doesn't have to expect to complete the session with him cuming any more. And he learns not to have that expectation. So this becomes all about you getting pleasure. He will enjoy the experience and get his pleasure vicariously through you getting yours. I don't know about other men, but I have loved giving pleasure to the women I have met in my life.
     
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  7. longtallsally
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    longtallsally Long term member

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    I know, I know. :) The trouble is, I really get a lot of pleasure out of his pleasure. It's doing my head in!
     
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  8. JaySaysYes
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    JaySaysYes I identify as someone that is always right

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    He gets pleasure from being locked and denied by you, trust me.

    I'd ask him to show you some of the porn his likes, or to browse the captions post and for him to open and honestly tell you which ones he finds hot or not:
    https://www.chastitymansion.com/forums/index.php?threads/best-captions-ever.42062/
     
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  9. mikecb
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    mikecb Long term member

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    Quick question. Did your partner originally suggest buying the chastity device, or you? I suspect it was him. Most of us who are into chastity spent a lot of time masturbating to images of being locked while making love to our partner. The wank-fodder is that horny tension about wanting to orgasm while not being able/allowed to. It's a real rush for those of us into it. Many of those into femdom get further turned on by the notion of either being forced to submit and perform "whatever" in exchange for the occasional orgasm.

    It's extremely likely your husband has often masturbated while thinking about being locked up and denied orgasm. If you're comfortable having that conversation, get him to tell you his fantasies when he does that. Some of them may seem really weird to you. How can a man find it sexually satisfying to be sexually denied? Well, think of it this way. Say your partner was trying to lose weight and eat better. You go out to dinner to celebrate something. You're on the fence. Do you order a big dessert as part of your celebration, or do you eat healthy anyway, because the long term "happy" is about being healthier. You might think about orgasm denial the same way. Short term, he may not get the orgasm he wants. In the longer term, he got something way better.

    Another thing to think about is that we often think about being a good lover in terms of helping our partner have orgasms. You help him have orgasms, he helps you. Well, in a chastity relationship, trade the word "orgasms" for "sexual satisfaction". He gives you sexual satisfaction in the form of orgasms. You give him sexual satisfaction in the form of denial, and making him super horny.

    Speaking as a guy who's been into chastity my entire life, a partner who was willing to keep me locked up and denied, while I provided her with orgasm after orgasm is about the hottest, sexiest thing in the world. So, don't feel guilty if you don't let him orgasm. Think "I'm giving him what he REALLY wants".

    Hopefully, making your partner super horny, and giving him exactly what he wants will butter your toast, too!

    I always think it should start from there. Then, if the Femdom stuff is mutually enjoyable, that's another layer on the chastity cake. At least in my opinion.
     
  10. BarbCD
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    BarbCD Long term member

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    @longtallsally You have gotten a ton of good advice above. I have very little to add as you are clearly a “thinker” and want to understand your own motivations as well. That is all good and you are doing this exactly right.

    just one comment….you said that when you read your note back to yourself you felt it wasn’t projecting power or control. But that’s the beauty of being here. You don’t have to. You can be a learner, and at some point a coach or teacher, but you don’t have to play a role on this site other than being yourself. Right now you are learning and exploring. Just be that.
     
  11. Disciplined Boyfriend
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    Its difficult for a someone who is not naturally dominant to suddenly take control. Lots of us here have wives and girlfriends that we wish were more dominant, more in control. You sound like you like the power trip that came with saying "no" to him and almost challenging his boundaries. Does he like it too?

    A
     
  12. Nicoftime
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    Nicoftime The suspense is terrible...I hope it lasts

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    Welcome, and I am so happy this is working for you two. My wife (girlfriend at the time) was a little leery of all this, but soon found that having me locked and her holding the key was something she really enjoyed.

    You may receive a lot of advice and suggestions, nothing wrong with either, just remember there is no correct way, only your way. You can go as fast or slow as you want. Take whichever route, and as far as you want to go. You’re driving. I have found most men interested in chastity are willing there do whatever is necessary for their partner to be fulfilled.

    If you get pleasure from giving him pleasure, then you do what makes you happy. If you find that keeping him chaste is beneficial, then he can wait as long as needed.

    I remember when we first started, she enjoyed letting me finish, she likes giving me pleasure. At some point she liked my need for her more lol, so I’m not allowed that nearly as much.

    Good luck to you both!
     
  13. longtallsally
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    longtallsally Long term member

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    Thanks - I had a look at the thread. I honestly think it would scare him off. I find the thought of permanent denial, even as a joke, quite difficult. But hey, we're all different and a year ago, I didn't think we'd be even where we are now. :)
     
  14. longtallsally
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    longtallsally Long term member

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    Thanks for this really thoughtful response.. I think the crux of it is "He gives you sexual satisfaction in the form of orgasms. You give him sexual satisfaction in the form of denial, and making him super horny." I need to make sure that it really is satisfying for him, and for me. I do think I'll take your advice though and ask him, while he's locked up, about his fantasies. Perhaps I could threaten an extra 6 hours if I don't think he's telling the truth! :) Sal
     
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  15. longtallsally
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    longtallsally Long term member

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    That#'s the crucial thing, I think. I haven't worked out whether he did enjoy it or not. I felt incredibly aroused. To be honest, I'm not sure he did. Sal
     
  16. longtallsally
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    longtallsally Long term member

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    Thank you! Good advice! Sal
     
  17. longtallsally
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    longtallsally Long term member

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    That's a really interesting question about who suggested the cage. Actually we were in a lovely friendly adult store and chatting to the woman there, joking about new things to try, she held up a cage (one of those 'toy' ones) and said, "ever tried one of these?" And as far as I can remember, we both just looked at each other and thought - yes, let's try it, looks fun. And it was fun so we moved onto a better model and have enjoyed the denial play with that. Sal.
     
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  18. Lakeman
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    Lakeman Long term member

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    Ok, assuming that he is getting some enjoyment from chastity play, to your point about him going down on you while locked…..oh boy, it’s something I’ve always enjoyed doing for my wife, but it’s turbocharged when I’m locked. For her to be able to totally relax knowing that it’s all about her pleasure, and I’m 100% focussed on her, I enjoy doing it even more, and I suspect I’m better at it when locked.

    It’s a weird thing, most of us locked blokes will talk about the contradiction of wanted to be unlocked to be able to get erect and orgasm, while also enjoying all the feelings of being locked and focussing on our partners. After a long lockup there’s a weird kind of letdown or regret when she does unlock me and let me cum. But in our case, that’s all part of putting her in control, letting her decide. That’s only in the bedroom, in every other aspect of our lives, we make joint decisions!
     
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  19. ChasteCel
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    ChasteCel 7/6 on the TomAllen-Rectrix scale

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    My wife has really come to enjoy the fact that she can get off basically whenever she wants- I'm always willing to oblige - amd not have to worry about pleasure for me.

    Because my pleasure comes from being denied pleasure *and* seeing her squirm in pleasure.
     
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  20. Hig4s
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    Hig4s Long term member

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    We only do chastity occasionally, and I certainly want regular orgasms. But being denied is exciting, caged ir not, and waiting a week or so between just makes them better.

    I also enjoy licking and pleasuring my wife and do not expect it to be returned unless she feels like it. Separating when we give or get takes the pressures off and allows both of us to enjoy it more.
     
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  21. handsolo
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    handsolo Long term member

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    I think this works itself out. You're enjoying making him stew. Then you enjoy getting pleasured by him, and you pleasuring him. There is nothing contradictory there. You could lock him, and have him go identify some number of porn scenes featuring chastity he'd like to recreate. Then you can pick one, or use them all for inspiration, or reject all of them and tell him what isn't working for you.

    As mentioned, you can have him pleasure you while locked. You can then either immediately give him his turn, or put it off until you feel he's sufficiently primed.

    Or it can be nothing more or less than locking him up until you're ready for fun, then unleashing his bottled up lust un yourself. Or it's simply a sex toy for the two of you, and you lock up for a few occasional hours for fun (although it seems like your feverish fantasies are already surpassing that).
     
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  22. longtallsally
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    longtallsally Long term member

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    Just to let you know that everyone's been so lovely here that I've started an occasional diary. I doubt I'll post quite as often once 'my Pete' is back - I'm trying to learn as much as I can before Wednesday!
    Here's the journal/diary. x Sal
    https://www.chastitymansion.com/forums/index.php?threads/deep-breath-and-relax-here-goes.46030/
     
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  23. madams-sissysub
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    Very well put!
     
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  24. longtallsally
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    longtallsally Long term member

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    I think I missed this one when you posted it - thank you - it's a help!! Sal.
     
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  25. Chaz69
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    Chaz69 Long term member

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    I was never too keen on giving oral myself before, but since we started chastity and I got into the mindset of doing whatever pleases her, I happily volunteered to do this and have been doing it regularly ever since. So, if it's something you want, just ask for it, no scratch that, demand it! :) No seriously, use whatever tone works for you, remember you don't need t impress anyone here, we're not in the room with a clipboard keeping score, this is all about what works for you. My wife isn't dominant and she doesn't pretend to be, but what we're doing still works.
     
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