I'm fairly confident that most couples pretty much live in the former not the latter. This is the dynamic that I think of being more equal in desires sought and met for both sides. A fun, sexy equilibrium if you like. But a few, mostly males (at least to begin with) have been on a journey pretty much from the get go, whether conscious or not. Seeking their holy grail of total subservience. And most females who love and adore their slightly odd but for the most part loving hubby, tend to along with it, after all, whats an hour or so of kinky play in the grand scheme of things. But the reality isn't like that is it! He really does want that control over him, that shift in power balance, he wants it, needs it and not for an hour or so per week. Of course the simple thing is to just fess up at the beginning; tell her everything, your needs, desires, obsessions, but of course it's not simple, its dangerous. Plus I know there is that bit of male psychi (sp) that thinks we girls have a natural awareness of their needs and will pick up intuitively what actions are needed to adapt/adopt the lifestyle. We don't! So where does that leave our heros? Stuck between frustration from him and confusion from her. His journey, her receptiveness to a bit of naughty fun. So to appease his inner demon, we find our boy trolling fetish sites etc, looking for some relief, maybe some like minds, advice even. He's gone a little rogue. But does it really help the thirst? Or just make him even thirstier! Poor lamb, it must be exhausting. Meanwhile, our heroine continues along, mostly oblivious to whats going on behind the scenes, but may notice he is rocking between contentment and frustrated confusion. Looks like it's easier to absent the dear wife/gf, and get needs tended in cyberspace. Plus with a bit of luck, he may get some semblance of real via those means. Somewhere in the distance, turmoil erupts, possibly building for a while. Then the discovery! Our kinky boy gets found out and the recriminations unfold. Then somewhere in the tears and loud words he hears the word "why didn't you say something?" He retorts the dangers and anxieties and 'he was trying to protect her' blah! So maybe after the turbulence subsides, possible break downs or possible forgiveness. But definitely our boy still has that need! But where does he now go with that? Barely hanging on, he slips further into isolated frustration, trying hard to show a visible happy boy, changed, forgiven. The moral? STOP LYING! To her and yourself. Never start this journey with a lie, it just builds. Two people on separate journeys rarely meet in the middle. If you really want to cross the tipping point, be honest, you always wanted that. Be honest up front, involve her, you may find a ground you can both live happily with. You never know, one day you may find yourself totally controlled by her, you just didn't see that bit coming. It's good to talk!