Keeping cool in FLR

Discussion in 'Female led relationships' started by KeptForHer08, Jul 8, 2014.

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  1. KeptForHer08
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    KeptForHer08 New member

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    My wife and I have been trying the chastity lifestyle for about a year now and we have made several attempts at a female led relationship and it goes great for a while but it usually ends up falling apart. I honestly love the power and control that she has over me. It really turns me on and I know I want the lifestyle but I'm struggling with giving up all control. It's not any one thing in particular that I get hung up on but when I want something and she says no it can sometimes lead to an argument...or a fight (nothing physical of course). It's more of a subconscious thing. I don't mean to argue, in hindsight I'd give up these things no problem. I know I have a horrible communication problem. I don't speak my mind until it's too late and we are currently working through that but once I put up a fight she loses hope in the flr and doesn't know what to think. She is afraid to tell me what she wants because she thinks it will turn into another argument. Do any of you guys/gals have any experience with this? How do you break that boundary and go all in to an FLR? Would it help if there were rules set ahead of time? What would you typically do if your sub refused a decision that you had made? How do you break that behavior, maintain each other's happiness, and give in to a female led relationship? Thanks in advance! I'm sure my wife will weigh in with a comment as well.
     
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  2. Max51
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    Max51 Youth is wasted on the young.

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    I understand your problem and it is a common one. The problem is that you expect your FLR to follow your fantasy version of it or rather, the version someone else had that you read about. Our wife led marriage is going string into our 45th year of marriage so I know a little about making it work in real life. I too expected my wife to turn into a dominatrix when she became head of our relationship. To my disappointment, she did not start wearing leather and making me call her Mistress and kneel at her feet. She asked me to do things and thanked me for doing them.

    I will briefly tell you how we finally got our WLM to work. We structured our WLM to be like a corporation with my wife as the President and me as a trusted and loyal Vice President who had his own areas of authority and responsibility. All decisions that could have a negative impact on our marriage had to be discussed jointly. Not once were we not able to reach a compromise because we each considered the needs and wants of the other, as well as our own, in all major decisions in our marriage. Kind of boring and not the fantasy version that you find online but it is real and enables us to deal with all the things that pop up in a marriage. I could just as easily be in charge and it really would not make a difference. I would still clean the dishes, fold the clothes and take out the trash. I still will want to do things to please my wife. Only one thing would change, I would not massage her feet as much as she wants me to. :)

    In short, find out what your wife wants and is comfortable with and then iron out a reality based outline for your FLR and change as needed. Do not expect your wife to share your fantasy down to each detail. If you like to be dominated by her, incorporate it into your life but not make it the center of your FLR. We move in and out of our D/s roles as the situation and mood requires. My wife can be doing stuff for me one minute and then for the next two hours has me massaging her feet. We have been at this for 45 years so we must be doing something right. Good luck.
     
  3. Dumb1
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    Dumb1 senior member

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    Bang on the money Max! its all about "making" it "work"! in the real world.
     
  4. yesmygoddess
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    yesmygoddess Member

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    This is 'Yes my goddess"' Domme. We have this exact problem, in fact it's why I'm on here at this exact moment. I mostly deal with attitude issues, not feeling he needs to follow the rules, and always having some excuse or "I'll show you" response for not obeying. It's insanely frustrating. The FLR was not my idea, and I was hesitant to even do it- so the fact that I do not get respected/treated as a Domme, makes me want to give it up all together( ALL of the time). Lately I've been extremely strict on punishments, and following through. Also, allowing my sub release after only a short amount of time in chastity always leads to me regretting it. As of today, I've decided he will be in long term chastity, and that my punishments may need to be more severe and possibly more creative. It's been a mental challenge for the both of us, and I think that's where most of our hang-ups are. I feel your wife's pain, and I'm sure she is not the only one.
     
  5. MissCharlotte
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    MissCharlotte Active member

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    Hi Kept for her,
    I had a couple of thoughts while reading your post, 1) Are you in chastity most or all of the time? 2) As you argue with her decisions, would you prefer a regular bedroom session of FLR instead of the 24/7 lifestyle?
    When my sub has been locked for a while, he wouldn't argue with me as he knows that would not help him get released. A FLR is exactly that, you need to respect the decisions she makes, or make it just bedroom play.
    Good luck and I wish you both well.
     
  6. Usul
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    Usul fear is the mind killer

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    I completely understand. Being a big dumb male makes it hard to concede all the time. It has taken a while for me to get the hang of it. Whether I am currently locked, or free, when I don't agree with something my wife has decided - which is going to happen - I have had to learn the correct way to handle it. I will say, first off, that if I am currently locked, it is easier in part because she is more confident and can handle my opinions with greater patience knowing I'm locked. But either way, when I don't agree with something and want to state that opinion, I do so with as much respect and reverence as possible. And after I have stated my disagreement, and she has heard me, if she doesn't change her mind I choke down really hard, swallow my pride and trust that she knows what is best. I have yet to be proven wrong. Women are better than men at running a household, and I am firmly convinced of that. I am not saying she never changes her mind after I have respectfully presented my differing opinion. She does, if I convince her. I think it is very helpful in a marriage to have the wife in a position of absolute comfort that her word is the final law of the land, and all will obey. Yes, it is sexually stimulating when she takes control, but this is a question of practicality. Men are poor decision makers - even though we think we are experts in strategy and management. We are too romantic, too prone to follow fanciful daydreams into peril. A dominant matriarch has a genetically coded instinct to protect the household. They are pragmatic and cautious. After some great difficulty, and a lot of pride swallowed, I have come to understand this and trust it, simply through practice. I'm not saying I expect her to be perfect, or don't allow her room to make mistakes. But on the whole, she will make better decision than I will about what to do with our money, time and energy. When I disagree, it sounds something like this, "I am hearing and understanding your plan, but would you also consider this?" I use a level, pleasant tone. If she is stressed and showing frustration as I explain, I avert my eyes and cut it short, walk back a little with something like, "Sorry, I was just offering an alternate idea." And when she makes the final decision, agree with it or not, I obey. This is her house, I am her belonging, and she does respect my opinion, so the least I can do is be obedient after she makes the final call. She deserves that much. Be pleasant about it, show some respect, and be grateful that you have a woman who is willing to run your life better than you can.
     
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