Just saw a thing on Fetlife that helped me put stuff in perspective

Discussion in 'Novices and newbies' started by SoClose67, Nov 19, 2020.

  1. SoClose67
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    SoClose67 New member

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    Not sure if Fetlife links are behind the login wall, so I'll just quote it here:

    Ten things to do while looking for your domme.
    by MsReneeLane
    46F Dom
    My Expectations of a man who does not yet have a domme.

    1. Get in shape. You don’t have to have a big muscular frame but you can’t have a large belly. I use hasfit.com because it’s free and doesn’t require a lot of equipment. Spend 45 minutes a day, six days a week at it. Work hard.
    2. Eat carefully. Cut out starchy food and white sugar. Eat only vegetables and lean meat. Do NOT smoke tobacco. Drink alcohol sparingly. Maintain your sobriety.
    3. Get out of debt. Women don’t often require that you are rich but they want to know that you can manage your own money. Live within your means. Get out of debt and begin to build a nest egg for your retirement. Be responsible.
    4. Begin a lifetime learning program. Follow your own interests but do not focus so narrowly that you can’t talk about things happening in the world. Read one book a month at the minimum. Stay off of the extremes of the political world. Be a moderate no matter what side of the political spectrum you land.
      5.. Clean your entire house and keep it spotless. This includes your car. You may drive an older model but maintain it.
      6..Involve yourself in a small way in bettering the world. Save the whales, feed the hungry, or protect a park. It doesn't matter what you do but make it a social organization that requires face to face meetings. Join an organization, pay the dues, show up for the meetings, take on routine tasks.
      7.. Take part in your own surrender. Join your local munch but don’t expect too much. The woman you seek is not in your local BDSM organization. Promote FLR on social media.
      8.. Continue to educate yourself about this lifestyle. However, and this is important, limit yourself to thirty minutes a day online looking at dom fem stuff. Most of it is mere porn and often fills your head with the wrong images and perceptions of an FLR. Again, you will most likely meet your future domme in a vanilla setting. Repeat this last line ten times.
      9.. Practice chastity during the week. Practice wearing a chastity cage. Learn to cook ten perfect meals. Learn to clean. Go crazy and learn to give pedicures and manicure. Become a certified nail technician. Prepare your mind. Meditate. Intone your mantra, “I am only a slave, it is a privilege to serve."
      10.. Prepare a letter for a woman explaining your desire. Be ready to send it. Let people you trust know who you are and whom you seek. Be a better friend and increase your circle of friends. One day you'll suggest to a woman to see a FLR movie. She will like it, like you, and you will be in over your head before you know it. I promise.
    Maybe this shit is obvious, but like, if you're deep in the Femdom "need cycle" or whatever you want to call it, it's hard to just step back and say "I shouldn't be obsessing over this. It's not healthy." It's sort of clear that if you want to be in a D/S relationship, there's more to it than just wanting to be in the relationship. If you want to attract weird, alternative folks who think you're cool, you gotta think that you're cool yourself. I'm not sure if that makes sense, but basically I'm trying to day that it's probably better to enjoy femdom, porn, fantasies, etc. in moderation, and to spend THE VAST MAJORITY OF YOUR TIME just living life.

    I know a lot of you on here are in your 40s-60s and happily hitched and living this all the time, but for those of us in our 20s-30s who're still figuring out life and looking for partners, something this can feel like an end-all-be-all situation. I know that it's not, and the post above reminded me of it a little more.​
     
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  2. Sipriotes
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    Sipriotes Slave to Artemistress

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    Seems like good, solid advice for anyone wanting to get into a relationship, especially #1-6. Be the kind of person you'd want to be around, and people will want to be around you.

    To me, kink is a hobby just like any other. If it's important to you that your partner share that hobby, that's fine, but it really shouldn't be the basis of your relationship. Though plenty of people meet partners through hobbies (gaming, larping, RPGing, whatever), there's still all the boring stuff that comes with being in a relationship outside of that -- communication, grocery shopping, visiting the inlaws, etc. -- that needs to be worked out too.

    I feel like that gets missed sometimes because kink is tied so closely to sex and intimacy -- but if that's the ONLY thing facilitating your relationship, it makes as much sense as building a relationship solely on your love of, say, model railroading.
     
  3. PawEee
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    PawEee New member

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    #3 PawEee, Nov 22, 2020 at 5:22 PM
    Last edited: Nov 22, 2020 at 5:35 PM
    IT’s all reasonable advice to practice if anyone seeks a partner, a partner to involve in FLR, as well.
    I would strongly recommend to learn and practice dance. Argentinian tango is a perfect dance for all fetschists. You could learn there unique skills to lead and meet creative prople on workshops and milongas. If you will be creative in dance and lead creatively than you could for sure meet and impress creative women.
    <>
     
  4. LesterBallard
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    LesterBallard Active member

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    yes, good sensible stuff. It's too easy to get embroiled in your own fantasy and forget that the person you are seeking is also a real human being with her own desires and needs. It is easy to project your fantasies on to them and lose sight of the fact that they must get something out of it too. And that starts with making yourself the best person you can be.
     
  5. mcfeely
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    mcfeely Active member

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    The only thing I would add is that if the intent is to get into a serious relationship with the dom, make sure that the same values are shared. They have to be at least as dedicated to the list as you are.
     
  6. Gigaman
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    Gigaman Property of BKwife

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    Ya, what @lestarballard said make total sense!
     
  7. sissydavenport
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    sissydavenport Locked sissy sub / spouse of Mistress Davenport

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    Just for some perspective, this list must assume that the potential submissive is independently wealthy, because the activities in conjunction with a career would be an unsustainable endeavor. Yes, self-improvement and having value independent of submission are key, so to be cheeky I'll offer my own list :

    1. Be an interesting person who cares about others.
    2. Have your shit moderately together in adult-y matters.
    3. Be confident in who you are.
    4. Don't watch porn ever again.
    5. Be open and honest (and PG) with everyone you date about your sexual orientation. Tell them within two weeks of starting to date.

    Thank you for posting this though, it's certainly an intriguing topic!

    -nancy
     
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  8. CaramelMochaBoss
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    CaramelMochaBoss Caramel skin. Likes to be boss in bed.
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    Nice thread..
    Often guys are outlining their needs and wants from a domme but dont bother to look at the mirror and see if they are desirable themselves. Or make steps to improve their desirability for a dominant woman..

    Guys want beautiful powerful strict loving domina woman. Nobody is perfect. But do u guys ask urself if there exisist such a wonder woman, would she want to be with u? ;)

    It doesnt matter if u old or young. Desirability is in what u consistently do and how u hold urself as a person..
     
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  9. SoClose67
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    SoClose67 New member

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    Glad to hear some folks got something out of this. Excellent points regarding the privilege this post assumes, and that there’s a degree to which the spirit of the list, as opposed to the literal points, is more important.

    Personally, I’m going to try to improve my physique and my discipline. Try to become the more well rounded and present person I’ve always wanted to be. This hopefully will make me a more attractive potential partner, but also will help me just engage with life outside of viewing myself as an unattached half of a nebulous whole.

    How are others going to try to improve themselves moving forward?
     
  10. madams-sissysub
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    There all valid points, and will help you keep a Domme happy as soon as you have found one, good luck on your journey.
     
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