It's No Longer Mine

My chastity story has just begun. Today, a brand new black small holy trainer v2 arrived. I'm stoked with it! It fits perfectly and it's really comfortable.

I've always been pretty subby, and I've been interested in chastity for about 18 months. My partner is totally freaked out by all this. It is pretty 'out there', after all. I introduced the idea slowly over the course of a year, and finally we agreed to buy a device on Valentine's Day last week She's reluctantly letting me wear it today.

I'm not sure how long she will *allow* me wear it for, which is exciting. It probably won't be long. But I'm definitely not going to touch the key until she chooses to unlock the cage!

This is the way with my kinks - she tolerates them but isn't really into it. I'm hoping to bring her around to enjoying a power dynamic in our sex life. She likes to have a sense of control over things, and I love serving her, so I think this might work with a bit of patience and persistence. I think it might eventually serve as a source of confidence and peace of mind for her.

I definitely did not want to get into chastity on my own. It wouldn't make sense or really work. I'm in a long term committed relationship and I am the first to admit that my sexual tastes have changed over time. I want to write our chastity story together.

I have found already today that I feel deeply thankful to my partner for permitting and supporting my kinks. I want to give her even more of my love and devotion thanks to this cage around my cock. It's such a paradoxical thing, chastity, so I know it will take time for her to understand it and me. I can't wait to find out how this story unfolds.

Till next time,

itsnolongermine

 

Thanks! You're totally right. I do have lots of ideas rolling around. I am wondering how to make the best possible small steps.

The cage is off again right now. I figure right now I should just give it to her and say "you choose when this goes on next." And leave it at that.

In my head I'm quite prepared for this to take years to build into our relationship. But my cock has other ideas....

 

Good for you, having a GF who's into it. When I first talked about this my partner was really worried that I was somehow rejecting her. How did you communicate that it wasn't that way?

 

Here I'm going to share my approach to choosing an off-the-shelf device. I don't know if it's right or good, but I took an approach that I haven't seen anywhere else.

I estimated the average volume of my cock.

Yes, you read that correctly. And yes, it takes a little bit of middle-school maths.

I haven't tried anything else but the HTv2, but since it seems to fit perfectly, maybe there is merit in this approach. I hope this approach might add to the conversation, particularly for people buying off-the-shelf products.

PansyTart's advice pinned to The Mall is definitely a more comprehensive way of going about it. The fact that the ring shouldn't cause you any pain was a really important one. I was close to ordering a HTv2 with a 35mm diameter ring which would have been stupid. I ended up getting the 45mm diameter one which is snug and secure, but more importantly allows blood to flow in and out of my cock without pain. Definitely follow their advice first. But if you want another method to confirm before you buy something, read on...

I measured the length of my cock dozens and dozens of times over the course of a week or two. Using my index finger, I measured from where it meets my balls, noting where along the inside creases of my knuckles the tip of my cock reached. I measured it bloodcock, meatcock and everywhere in between (I'm a 'grower' in the other terminology.) Suprisingly, I found that the length of my cock didn't really vary by all that much. It was usually around 80mm +/- 10mm. I certainly looks like it does, but in reality, not so much.

I also measured the circumference of my flaccid cock a bunch of times. I made sure I was in a bloodcock configuration (a bit shrunken but not ridiculously so). I found it was about 80mm +/- 10mm. I used string for this.

(Caution, bad text based maths ahead)

The equation for the volume of a tube = (length) x pi x (radius) x (radius).

Radius = (circumference) / (2 x pi)

Using these two equations, I found the volume of my cock varies between about 20,000m3 and 58,000m3. My best guess based on this information was that a cage would best be around 40,000m3 if it was to be snug but not too small and rarely too large. Length of the cage would take care of that.

By this point, you're probably wondering how the hell this information would help?

Here's why it helps. You can estimate the volume of off-the-shelf devices using the same method.

Based on what you can find online, here's the volume of the cages of various off-the-shelf devices.
- CB6000 - 70,900mm3
- CB6000s - 60,800mm3
- Holy Trainer (normal) - 57,700mm3
- Holy Trainer (small) - 43,600mm3
- Birdlocked classic - 55,600mm3
- Birdlocked mini - 38,900mm3

We're assuming that the design of the device and differences in cage / ring gap doesn't make too much difference.

For me, this information ruled out anything except the small Holy Trainer or the Birdlocked mini. All the devices where the volume was at the upper range for my cock's volume would simply be too large. Nearly all the other off-the-shelf devices I found online had more voluminous cages than the CB6000.

Hope this helps! Got any questions? Let me know below.

 

Two days ago, we had a big breakthrough communicating about chastity, and I've been locked up since.

I asked to be locked up and we had a lengthy conversation about her fears. I really listened to her. Her fears came down to two things. She was worried that it meant I wasn't attracted to her, and that being locked up would mean that everything would become about me and my arousal.

For the first time I admitted about my masturbation habit. We had always skirted around this in the past, or talked in generalities. But this time I was specific. I admitted I had come four times since we had last had sex a week ago. She was surprised and disappointed that I hadn't tried to make a move on her instead. Thanks to @jml00 posting this http://secretchastityhusband.blogspot.com/2010/08/male-chastity-pleasure-and-devotion.html, I was able to explain about how I was trapped in a vicious cycle that was affecting our relationship. It really helped being honest in that way. It was scary, but I think it put my desire and the potential benefit of me being chaste into its proper context.

We also talked about how I have always been submissive. She didn't need to ask what I meant by that (we've never talked about power dynamics in relationships before) and smoothly said that she always knew that, even before we were together. I think it helped, being able to talk about how there had always been that dynamic in our reletionship and now we were being more explicit about it.

She finally agreed to lock me up. And given the weekend we have had, I think her fears have well and truly been put to rest.

We made some ground rules for the weekend:
- I would be locked for at least 24 hours.
- I wouldn't talk about it. She could if she wanted.
- She could tease me and get me to do things for her, if she felt like it.
- She chooses when I'm released and locked up next.

I locked myself up, gave her the key, and I haven't seen it since. But she hasn't forgotten that I am at her mercy. Indeed, she's starting to take to it like a duck to water...

For the first time ever, she used me for her own pleasure. I suggested that she could tell me to go down on her, and that it was OK for her to not worry about my desires. Several hours after I said that, she abruptly instructed me to "get down there" as she lay down on the bed. She came, then turned and sat on my face, and nearly came a second time. I have never given her consecutive orgasms. By God I don't think I've ever been so aroused before in my life. She got up and dressed as I experienced a kind of post peak arousal come down. It was awesome.

That's not all. As we have planned and gone about our weekend she has said several times "well, I guess you don't really have a choice, do you?", and gently patted me on the crotch. I just nod and admit she can decide whatever she likes. She is starting to get it, and I think she likes it. Each time she has expressed the power the key gives her, I've been filled with this intense mix of elation, arousal, love and a touch of trepidation. Am I really sure what I've got myself into?

It's been hard, not topping from the bottom. I suggested she unlock me, touch me, and lock me back up again. She wasn't keen on the idea. But when she was trying to decide whether to unlock me for the second night, I just lay out her options. She liked being able to choose, and she chose to keep me locked.

Finally, I nearly burst out of the cage when she suggested it needs a name! She giggled as she said "The Dog Box" or "maybe it's more like a Kennel..."

Yep, she's getting into it.

 

So, I'm locked up again, and I haven't had an orgasm since Thursday. It feels like a long time! I can't recall the last time I went a week without.

This is the third period of chastity I've experienced, and each has lasted about two days. My partner seems more comfortable each time.

The first time, I had an explicit expectation that some kind of 'fun' would happen when I was released. I realise now that this put too much pressure on her, and it nearly put her off this completely. It was like I was insisting she do me a weird and selfish favour. Basically, I was topping from the bottom and she didn't like it. What was the upside for her? That lead to a couple of weeks where we didn't talk about it, and she turned me down when I raised it.

She said to me a number of times that "this is about me not about you. I have to be comfortable with it."

The second time, over the last weekend, I didn't put any pressure on at all. I just focussed on her and her needs. I also paid her a lot of attention, but she never got in the mood and I so didn't push it too hard. When we went to work on Monday, she simply had me unlock myself and then left. I thought about masturbating after she left, but I felt guilty and decided against it.

Finally, last night, I was going up the walls horny, and she suggested I masturbate, since she didn't want sex. I made a counter offer, which was that she lock me up until she was ready to have sex. That was a big deal, because it meant I wore the device to work today for the first time. She had said previously that there was no way I would ever wear it to work. She agreed, and had me put the device on. For the first time, she did the honors turning the key in the lock. She then immediately looked up at me and smirked as she said "you're cooking dinner tomorrow night." My knees nearly buckled at the sudden surge of pressure in the cage! She's loving it, bossing me around.

While I'm in chastity I'm constantly reminded of her and her control over me. It means I am more conscious of her and pay more attention to her needs. It definitely has a direct impact on the quality of our relationship. And she has noticed. She asked me why that was. The best explanation I could come up with was that she is giving me something that I want, and that makes me love her even more. Even though what I want is to be deprived of something and to be inconvenienced in such a big way! I also said that it shows me how much she loves me, going along with this.

Making this about our love really appealed to her. And it's true. I want to be chaste for her because I think it could make our relationship better. I think she can get more of what she wants, and I will get more of what I want. It's hardly any sacrifice at all, when you look at it that way.

It is hard, not topping from the bottom. But I'm finding that if all she sees are upsides, which I can make sure is the case, then she's on board. Eventually, I will start making life a little difficult for her if I get too horny. But that is a bridge we'll have to cross if, and when, we come to it. I can't wait to get there.

 

And indeed, she is starting to see the possibilities. My latest, pathetically short, period of chastity ended with her teasing and controlling me for two days.

Yes, two day periods are short. I would love to be locked up for longer. But insisting and forcing my partner would violate the spirit of the whole arrangement.

To clarify for @Jasmic, I went for a week without orgasm, and that was what I was saying felt like a long time. As someone with a compulsive habit and track record of never lasting more than three days, that felt like an achievement. But I didn't say that I didn't want to go longer! I want to go much, much longer. I can't wait to experience the "soup", as you call it. However I do know for a fact that being locked in a device has a psychological effect on me, but I acknowledge that it has more to do with my partner making my fantasies come true, and all the feelings that creates, rather than the subby and oxytocin feelings induced by long term denial.

Anyway, back to the teasing. She wore a thong for the first time in years, and paraded around the house with it showing above her waistline - just to see me squirm as I did the chores. She loved it, and so did I.

I tried to suggest she lock me up for the whole of Easter in an attempt to lengthen my longest period of chastity. She wouldn't have it. It was too soon. Every time I push, she gets cold feet about the whole thing. Topping from the bottom. See, the thing is, our relationship has profound D-s and even FLR patterns but she doesn't realise it yet. She is so used to getting her way that me introducing chastity and devices violates her control over our life. She is taking to it, she's a natural dominant personality, but she also has some pretty big personal issues, a lot of sexual hang ups, and on top of that is vanilla as hell. So I am being extremely cautious and supportive.

We agreed that I wouldn't ask to be put in the device again. She would tell me to put it on when she is ready and willing. See, the depth of control she has over our relationship?

I'm tempted to show her my entire sex toy collection, just to ram home how obsessive my secret masturbation habit has become. Maybe that will jog her into locking me up more often...

In the mean time, there's no honour system in place, and I lack self control, so I'm going to enjoy my on-tap orgasms for a while longer

 

That freedom didn't last long.. in less than a week since the last time I was locked up, and she already chose for herself to have me locked up. I put zero pressure on her, and before I knew it, she told me to go put it on. That was yesterday.

And now, it's her time of the month. That's her low point of the month, both in terms of her mood and her level of desire.

I wonder whether this time I might be locked for the best part of a week? I wonder what is going through her mind? Is she going to make me wait?

The feeling of anticipation and slight trepidation is so exciting.

I do wonder how I'm going to last in the HTv2. It's not very conducive to my preferred level of cleanliness. It's a very snug fit, so moisture doesn't escape, and it gets a bit smelly and my skin goes rather pallid and swollen. I will have to take it off once every 48 hours to clean it all out and air my skin. She will be fine with that, and I won't break my chastity promise, but it's not ideal.

We'll cross those bridges when, or if, we come to them.

 

Hello again! It's been a while since I shared about our journey on this winding road.

You know that myth that masturbation makes you blind? I've been wondering if there is a kernel of truth to that, figuratively speaking. I think my arousal and self-indulgence about chastity completely blinded me to the true nature of the whole thing.

The fact is, the crux of male chastity is orgasm denial. I had been blinded to this by my fantasies about the physical aspects of chastity. I'm sure there are partners out there keen to just explore kinky stuff for the fun of it. Those couples are really lucky. But that wasn't ever going to work for my partner. We have many strengths, but communicating about and exploring kinky sex for fun isn't one of them.

My partner and I found ourselves in a chicken and egg situation. She agreed to try chastity out if (and only if) the rest of our sex life improved. My bad habits continued, and our sex life didn't, and finally I found ways to manipulate her into giving in to living out my fantasies. I wasn't motivated enough to meet her needs, she wasn't motivated to meet mine. I got increasingly frustrated at being denied denial, and we found it impossible to take the conversation about our sex life forward.

Sure, she 'treated' me to that great weekend back in March. And then, about a week after Easter, I spent the better part of a week wearing the cage. She could see that I was enjoying myself. She thought I was being creepy, showing her all that attention. I pitched my affections in the wrong way. Looking back this was because I wasn't desperate enough yet to really try to stand in her shoes, and there weren't any ground rules around the whole experience. The device was the center of the experience. Not my denial, or more importantly, her. Once we took the HTv2 off, and made love at the end of the week, she felt she had met my needs. In her mind, I got to wear 'that thing' and then at the end of it she was obligated to have sex with me. She wasn't wrong, in actual fact. She was helping me live out a fantasy. That was all. A weird fantasy. One that didn't have any benefits to her. In fact, she was suffering through it because she probably wanted to jump me, and the cage was stopping her from doing so!

I had failed to realize that all the true benefits of male chastity for a partner are due to orgasm denial. Wearing a device, being teased, changing the way you have sex, these are all things that suit the male just fine. What's in it for the partner? Why can't the male just choose to wait for his partner to give him an orgasm, and the partner see all those benefits anyway? Doesn't he love his partner? If there is no such thing as a secure device, doesn't that mean he has to make a choice to be chaste, in any case?

The only answer is that he needs to actually be denied for the partner to see any benefit. The rest of it is just a game. He must be sexually frustrated and the partner must choose when it ends, if there is to be any benefit to the partner at all from chastity. It isn't necessarily about transferring power. It's about fulfilling a promise to one another that he will not orgasm without her permission. It seems simple, but perhaps I just wasn't ready to learn that. Maybe that's what @Jasmic68 was getting at above.

I was way too focused on me and my fantasy. Obsessing over fantasies won't help convince your partner to come around to the idea. You actually have to give the fantasy up to make it work for you both, and take it all the way back to male orgasm denial and the direct benefits to them of that. Clarity of thought and communication is essential to making denial happen in real life. In essence, emphasising 'chastity' over 'denial' completely obscures the potential benefits to your partner.

I've found it helps to just start living for yourself the reality of denial if you want the fantasy to become real. Pretend to yourself that the only way you'll be allowed to come is if it's on your partner's terms. That, after all, will be the case if you get what you wish for. It goes deep, the idea of topping from the bottom. Even imposing your own idea of male chastity counts. You can't get away from this dilemma if it's going to work authentically for both of you.

So, anyway, I had been doing a lot more research and thinking, and I've been heavily influenced by Sarah Jameson from malechastityblog.com. I took a step back for about a month, and really thought through how I could make this appealing to my partner. I read her book and looked more critically at all the fantasies online. Finally, last weekend, I shared A Letter to your Beloved with my partner, put some thoughts in my own words as well, and we really talked. I think it's had an impact. My partner prefers to think of all this as a game, not as a power exchange. She is hesitant about it all still but I can see the wheels are slowly turning. She's one of the most intelligent people I've ever met, but it just takes a while to change her mind. And this all has to be on her terms. I can't wait to see where she takes it once she grasps the power it gives her.

As a result of these realizations, and our subsequent conversation, I am confidently anticipating a decent period of actual denial in the coming month. I suggested at least a week, and she responded quizzically that "we've already gone for that long before" as if to say "clearly it has to be longer this time." The thought gives me butterflies! But I am also totally excited about it.

We have set out some ground rules for how it will work. She agreed that she will hold the key at all times. I'll be locked 23/7 except for cleaning. She decides how long it goes for. And we still have sex when she wants, I just don't get to come. We might need to get some desensitizing cream for that.

However, the most important rule is that she chooses when it starts. Any prompting or suggestion from me will just put her off. If this is about denial, then I need to learn more patience, and trust her more. I also need to pay her much more attention to build the rest of our sex life up. I even went so far as to suggest that she should decide to begin the game during sex, thus starting the game with denial. It will make me want to make love to her more often, vanilla style. It was a devious and perhaps too-clever method of giving her control over the whole thing. To make this real, and remind her subtly, I have taken to asking her for permission to come when we make love. She knows what it's about, and she giggles sometime when I ask. She hasn't said no yet. But I get the feeling that one day soon she will. And then the game will be on.

I can't wait.