It was only one wank!

Discussion in 'Chastity and orgasm denial' started by Mandynjack, Feb 9, 2018.

  1. Mandynjack
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    Mandynjack Well-Known Member

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    Wives/GFs/KHs/ and those still trying to make up their minds. These immortal words I'm sure have been a feature at some time in your chastity and denial relationship. Emanated from your supposed devoted cagee. He couldn't help himself, the edging just pushed him over the edge (no pun), he wont do it again and it was only one time. Blah, blah, blah! No sunshine it's CHEATING! Harsh? Maybe! Too extreme? Not really! It's like this; you brought this to the table sunshine, you pledged loyalty, unequivocal devotion, sacrifice, deference and all in the name of LOVE! So, what makes it any less treacherous than; kissing another woman? Flirting with the neighbours wife? In my mind, it's not! So she may rant and rave and shout and punish etc, probably finally calm down and in your mind, normal service has been resumed. It hasn't! Never for one second assume that your dalliance with 'little pee wee' hasn't had an effect on her trust for you! At face value, it all seems like things have passed over, you would be mistaken! Yes sunshine, you hurt her, you betrayed your pronouncements, you've shown you have no respect for her trust and her sacrifice and her generosity. For you it was only a wank FFS, not for her. Be that man!
     
  2. Beautiful and her footman
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    Beautiful and her footman Well-Known Member

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    We experienced something like this about a year ago. One of Beautiful's rules that I agreed to was that I was not supposed to look a porn without her. She was still trying to find her KH legs and I, feeling unfulfilled, went and looked at my Tumblr account. I told her what I did. She was hurt. I was surprised. She never cared if I looked at porn before our agreement, but once we put the cage on that dynamic changed.

    By agreeing to her rules I was giving her my word that I would follow them. Looking at Tumblr broke that trust. What I should have done was went to her and let her know that my needs weren't being met. That would have hurt her too, but far less than the way I handled it. It also would have opened up dialogue, which was what we needed.

    I asked Beautiful if she wanted to write this post. She did not. She did say when that happened that she felt like a failure. One of the tenets of male chastity is that we go to our KH's to have our sexual needs met. She knew that and was hurt because I did not go to her.

    To some chastity may be just a game. To us and many others on here, it is a substantial part of our relationship. It forces us to communicate honestly. It pushes us to keep things fresh, new, and exciting. And it is impossible to do without trust.

    -the footman
     
  3. ineverknew
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    ineverknew Well-Known Member

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    isn't it better if the man has no opportunity to wank? I guess everyone plays their own way but in mind chastity involves no access without her consent. Regardless I agree if you were to do something like that it could cause a serious trust issue.
     
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  4. Trey Jones
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    Trey Jones Voted Best Male Dom on ChastityMansion

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    I totally agree with the principle that there should be no "cheating" whatsoever. There should also be no excuses of "it was only one wank". That's assuming you're only referring to enforced chastity relationships.

    I have to disagree with comparing it to flirting with the neighbor and kissing another woman though.

    Both issues would cause you to trust him less but are hardly similar. The reactions to the two would not be proportionate. That's just my opinion.
     
  5. Mandynjack
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    Mandynjack Well-Known Member

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    And from a male perspective, you may well think that. A female perspective may well feel there is no clear water between them. In fact I wouldn't be surprised. Actually she wouldn't. To a degree, this where a lot of men fail to grasp the gravitas of many actions and the consequential reactions. I'm offering genuine female insight.
     
  6. Joan.t
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    Joan.t Well-Known Member

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    I totally agree, in my perspective cheating is cheating and loss of trust is no minor issue, whatever the action was, being with another sexual partner or alone.
     
  7. sylvana chastity
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    sylvana chastity just Syl

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    Really, really not meant bad, but this world is crazy enough - we don't need something like a "chastity-hezbollah!"!
    I understad the disappointment, but it shouldn't end up in rage! After all I suppose that it all started by two people getting connected in the name of love?
    I may be the one that doesnt't take life too serious, as I feel like being too old to waste my time with bad temper, but I need to tell that this is overdone!!
     
  8. Trey Jones
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    Trey Jones Voted Best Male Dom on ChastityMansion

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    I totally understand what you're saying and I respect your opinion. However that's all it is, your opinion. You are offering genuine insight into how you feel, not all women.
     
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  9. Breathe
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    Breathe Wife, Owner, Dom/me, and KH of _and_smile

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    I would agree...

    ... which is why I'll offer another female perspective.

    Our relationship has not been without its disappointments. He struggled with transparency before, and I cannot adequately articulate the pain, distrust, and rage his subsequent transgressions caused Me. I agree with the OP's message that no matter how small of a misstep it might seem, if it's something you hide or don't want your partner to know... yes, that's cheating on the core of the relationship.

    However, My reactions to his wrongdoings were 'proportional' to the situation.

    He stepped out on us, online - not physically in person, with someone else. Now, I know full well how powerful online relationships can be, so I'm not saying it didn't hold weight due to the setting. In a way, mental infidelity can be even worse in some situations. There's still another entity on the other side of shared chats and photos, no matter how you slice it. I was pretty close to ending it when I discovered a wasted, self-administered orgasm (that had been recorded), to top it all off. Never felt that livid and betrayed in My life... since above almost everything else - that action broke My main rule.

    So again, I can resonate with the idea that a lie, is a lie, is a lie. That certainly keeps things 'simple', but that philosophy totally discounts the existence of life's undeniable coefficients.

    From My understanding, people usually cheat when they're scared, disinterested, selfish, dissatisfied, and/or weak. I believe his biggest reasons were the first and last items on that list, with a reciprocal effect between them. It's no excuse, but I can certainly understand the mechanics behind self-preservation mixed with self-hatred/fear. I am glad we have worked a great deal on communication, acceptance, and understanding over the past two years... we wouldn't be together if he had failed to embrace and share himself with Me. The strength we gained from our growth was the driving force behind My motivations to entertain the idea of chastity in the first place.

    However, if he had shared those same 'dark' desires over intimate, physical touches or indulged in a sexual, physical connection with another human... and kept that as the secret stranger in the shadows until I discovered it, just for the sake of sex... I would have been done. No discussion. Closed case, I'm out of here. That's off-the-charts unfaithful in My book, not to mention a potential bio-hazard these days! (Open relationships are in a different category than what I speak of here of course, but I [unsurprisingly] digress...) The same applies to 'hopelessly' habitual masturbation. That's just not a weakness I'm willing to work through.

    With all that said... I'm honestly not sure how I'd feel about dishonesty and disobedience taking place after the cage had been in play. Perhaps My answers here would be completely different - or non-existent!

    Funny how much passion these cages can elicit.
     
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  10. PouchPantyLover
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    PouchPantyLover Well-Known Member

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    We never had any rules, other than she makes the rules. I played with a vibrator on my cage since the very early days of our relationship. My wife never got into the T&D thing, so I took care of it for her. Accidental over dones occurred a couple of times, but rarely.

    She never expressed displeasure over this until we organized our first punishment list. All of a sudden this became a priority for her to stop. As much as she didn't like it though, to suggest it rose to the level of an actual infidelity would not apply to us. Edging myself with the wand netted me 15 strokes on punishment day.

    If I flirted with another woman, she wouldn't have stopped at 15. She'd probably still be going.
     
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  11. mcfeely
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    mcfeely Active Member

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    To the KH's out there who get upset, ask yourself if what your doing in inadequate. If both partners are getting their needs met, probable won't be any cheating but if not...... I am an outsider on this site in that while my wife would like to try this I haven't found a compeling reason to proceed. I know my self well and if I wasn't getting enough benefit I would just call the whole thing off. It doesn't make me a weak man, it just makes me one who knows what he wants and what he is willing to accept.
     
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  12. Nicoftime
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    Nicoftime The suspense is terrible...I hope it lasts

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    We had went through phases, at first she said if I had done that she would have handed me the key back and would have been done with all that. Then later she had said that she wouldn’t give me the key back, but would probably involve one sore butt and not getting out of my cage for at least a year.

    Let’s be somewhat realistic...before I introduced this to her, I was uncaged and free to get myself off anytime I felt like it. She was too. It was a very private unspoken part of a relationship.

    Like most anything that may affect your partner, it usually isn’t an issue unless the other has negative repercussions. Example...she is in the mood, I had just jacked off that morning, I don’t notice her signs. If it affects the relationship, it becomes an issue.

    Once we agree to this chastity stuff, it isn’t about jacking off or orgasms, it’s about the lie. Promising one thing and not standing by it. Willingly doing something you had said you wouldn’t. Same could be said about saying you wouldn’t smoke or drink. Yes quitting a habit that you enjoy is difficult, and has its share of temptations, but breaking a promise is a willful violation, not an accident.

    I do not think it has the same teeth as full on infidelity. A hungry person stealing food would not get the same treatment as someone stealing food for fun. Killing someone in anger isn’t the same as planning it out....there are degrees.
     
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  13. Okiedude
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    Okiedude New Member

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    I agree with you 100% Mandynjack:+1:
    Cheating is cheating, and it is absolutely a smack in the face to your KH/Goddess/Wife/GF. Loyalty is the most important element. Once it is broken, it is lost forever. Harsh, but that is my take one it. I am a very loyal person, and when I give my Goddess my word, I keep it. She expects nothing less, and I give nothing less. To me loyalty and trust are everything.
     
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  14. Mandynjack
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    Mandynjack Well-Known Member

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    Hi Syl.
    Your emotional tolerance to deceit is strong and I have stated many times that I consider sissys to be my sisters. In an ideal world we should all have the capacity to forgive and also be more relaxed about things, it would certainly lead to a far more peaceful world. But a female emotion betrayed doesn't necessarily play to a male's reasoning that the seriousness is somewhat at the lighter end of the scale. This is I feel the fundamental emotional difference between the sexes.
     
  15. Mandynjack
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    Mandynjack Well-Known Member

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    Of course Trey, just my opinion. But as a woman, I may be a little closer to understanding the impact of a man's betrayal on a promise/commitment he made to his woman, predominantly for his needs, then 'craps' on it, then tries to rationalise the act as being somewhat minuscule to try and ensure he has his needs catered for going forward. Trust me Trey, a proportion of women (not just me) would consider his word has less currency going forward. Of course, just my opinion (as a woman)
     
  16. Trey Jones
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    Trey Jones Voted Best Male Dom on ChastityMansion

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    I couldn't agree more with that part :).

     
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  17. sylvana chastity
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    sylvana chastity just Syl

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    Think I understood - and I'm honestly glad that you didn't take it bad!
    Just one more thought: the ideal world doesn't simply appear - it has to be created!
    ;)
     
  18. Mandynjack
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    Mandynjack Well-Known Member

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    And there's the rub! (no pun). Some of my writings are observations, some personal. This one was personal and happened last year. However, going back further to 6 years ago when we introduced chastity and pleasure control into our relationship. Rules were discussed and promises made.
    Then last year a promise was broken! TBH, my reaction at the time was not solely based on the act itself, but the fact a promise was broken. It was then I realised how important that promise was and how much it underpinned our lifestyle. The reaction was.... sadness! Ok, female in her forties, probably getting too emotional etc, but that feeling of real sadness and something that many would consider and have attested to here, as being nothing more than bump in the road, really did hurt. The wank was very much second to the disappointment of the broken promise. And I was surprised at how much it hurt.

    So, proportionality? Of course it's important to ensure actions have reasonable reactions, but when emotions are involved, the currency of promises may be more valuable than some would think.
     
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  19. Mandynjack
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    Mandynjack Well-Known Member

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    I think that is something that really does exist only in fantasy.
     
  20. Mandynjack
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    Mandynjack Well-Known Member

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    I know there is a message for us in there, i just can't see it. Are you saying that KHs need to try harder to make sure their chastised ones remain faithful?
     
  21. El Guapo
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    El Guapo Ladies First.

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    Thanks Mandy!
    These are the kind of threads that give me a chance to be honest with myself and others.

    Actually, this triggers a lot for me - because it is important for me to be willing, easy or difficult, to face my truths.

    Many of you know a main theme of my geschichte ... decades of FLR/TND/OD under the Honor System. My wife/Mistress has but a few ground rules (they are posted in the 'Contracts' thread somewhere).

    For the purpose of this thread, Rule #2:
    "You may ejaculate only with my express permission & then only in my presence."

    She explained further if I had any doubt what that meant:
    "If you jerk off, I would consider that cheating on me".
    I agreed and acknowledged that there was not a lot of wiggle room on that one.

    For the most part, the honor system worked for us ... yes, that was in the past tense.

    Occasionally I would get to the point where my desperation for an orgasm outweighed my discipline and fear of any punishment. When the only thought in my brain became wanting to cum - it was only a matter of time before I gave in. Yes, I felt guilty. I was guilty.

    In the big picture of Time, I actually think I did amazingly well, all things considered. There were 'only' a few transgressions per year. Not bad when you consider the decades of time & state I was often in.

    In the bigger picture of Honesty, I failed. There is no way around that. I cheated.

    Longer story shorter, we have a Lori's Device on order.
    The idea was mine - i wanted to remove the convenience (not make it impossible).
    When I told her about my plan - it led to a disccusion about frequency - which led to her comment:
    "I will hold onto both those keys".

    So ...
    I think often of a few folks here who reminded me to be careful what I wished for - a stricter Mistress, powerlessness, etc.

    Finally ...
    Wives, Mistresses, Keyholders all put a lot of effort into their side of the equation.
    It serves me well to keep that in mind when it comes to me being honest about my part.
    It comes down to having respect for the other person - the Domme or the Sub.
     
  22. filltee
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    filltee Junior Member

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    I would not want my partner to cheat on me with another person that would end our relationship and I would view my cheating on her as seriously whether it be with another person online or in the flesh, I would confess to it and would expect it to end the relationship I was in.

    I view indulging in DIY and even not taking steps to avoid an 'accident' almost as, if not as, badly as is the breaking of any trust. I can see how how some mitigation circumstances might be acceptable to some couples in some circumstances but I know I'm a little more black and white in some of my views when in regard to myself.

    this questionstruck me as very relevant
    I think it is... but thats because I want to feel that increased level of denial far more than I lack the ability to behave myself. I don't NEED a means by which to keep my word I just greatly prefer the head-fuck of not being able to self induce a pleasent release in some form or other.

    Whatever you and your SO consider cheating to be if you are going to cheat on your partner or even consider it, I think you should first consider why you have not the courage to change or end your relationship.
     
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  23. DonnaSue
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    DonnaSue Well-Known Member

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    Years ago, in my Alpha Male past, I used to consider wanking just as a personal stress reliever and since nobody else was involved, it was technically not cheating. Then, when Mistress and I began doing chastity on the honor system, I admitted that I had wanked on occasion and quickly learned that She considered this to be a betrayal of trust, which I now understand. Thus, we purchased the cage and I am locked, for wank prevention, whenever we are apart. I now fully understand my betrayal and have a constant reminder of it attached.
     
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  24. jemima
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    jemima maid for my Mistress

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    well it dont matter to me cos i dont have them.
     
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  25. Cecilia B
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    Cecilia B Well-Known Member

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    As our time together got longer, I decided I was to be the only source of sexual delight for him. I knew he liked pornography from the beginning and I never liked it, but chastity and discipline gave me an outlet to let him know it displeased me. It also gave me a way to keep him masturbating and looking at pornography to a minimum.

    It's funny, but I started using chastity on him to give me peace of mind that he wasn't cheating.

    I don't consider him looking at pornography or masturbating cheating. I just don't approve of it. He doesn't volunteer that he's done it, but he doesn't hide it, either. We just got off his annual holiday break from November to the Super Bowl. I went looking in his computer and found some pornography on Wednesday. He got a trip across my lap in front of my BFF Saturday, sissy maid service that night for both of us and chastity for Sat, and Sun. He's working in the field for the next couple of weeks, or I would have given him more chastity time. Instead, he owes me a trip to antique stores, a trip to the accessories boutique (which he really hates) and finally a trip across my lap next weekend.

    If he looks at pornography or masturbates, there are consequences, that's all. He gets denied sexual delight and gets a red bottom, at least. Often, he gets humiliation, since I let some of my friends watch.
     
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