Hello! I'm posting an introduction and some background info about my relationship with my husband. I am hoping to get some specific advice/support related to our journey from D/s to MC. Mainly in regards to me going from sub to keyholder. I apologize if I’ve posted this in the wrong place. And I appreciate anyone who takes the times to read it. My husband and I met online in late 2005. We met via a website called Alt.com. Back in the day, it was a great way to meet others for NSA fun. And to specifically meet exactly who you were looking for. I have always been very submissive, sexually and socially. My profile on Alt said as much. But it also indicated that I had very specific requirements in a Dom: he had to have a job, his own car, and be taller than me. That's it! Sounds easy but I am nearly 6'2", so I didn't get as many qualifying responses as you'd think. But I did get one exceedingly eloquent note from a mysterious older gentleman. The rest is cliched history. We met (face-to-face after several months of heated online chatter) in January of 2006. He was domineering, demanding, intelligent, sexy... plus he had a car and job and was taller than me (barely). Woohoo! I found all the things. Unfortunately, he was married with two kids. He and his wife were separated and living in different countries. But he was committed to doing anything it took to make it work for the sake of their children. It was clear that I was a pleasant distraction during a difficult time in his life. He told me his wife was headstrong and uncooperative when it came to submission. The fact that she was also his cousin on his mom's side only made their estrangement more complicated and ugly. Fast forward 11 years and skip all the bullshit stuff with wife No.1. We've been married since 2010. We've lived a 24/7 D/s life that is closely aligned with Taken in Hand. We both believe in old school gender roles (wife stays in the cave to raise the kids, husband goes out in the wild to hunt the foods). I'd always felt it worked beautifully for us. We had no baggage (arguments were immediately punctuated with him spanking me—regardless of whose "fault" the riff was—so we could both calmly discuss our side of things). We had an amazing sex life (we were swingers from the start). We enjoyed BDSM soirées just the two of us and with others. I was an online "model" with quite a few regulars. We traveled the world visiting sex clubs. We had all the fun! And then we had a child together 4 years ago. The long and short of it is that I changed completely. My brain was literally rewired. Sex was no longer a priority. It wasn't even on my list of things I'd like to do if I had a few moments alone. It was a mental issue as well as physical (I gained 70 pounds when I was pregnant and only lost 50 since). It wasn't just that I was tired from parenting though. I was a different woman. And my husband was exactly the same man. What a cruel trick of Mother Nature! I had always dreamed of becoming a mom. And in helping me realize that dream, my husband lost the woman he loved. Years went by and my husband and I struggled to regain common ground. There were many arguments; mostly the kind that made me feel incredibly guilty for being so happy with just being a vanilla mom ("We used to...", "You used to wear...", and on and on). I didn't really have any interest in being with other partners anymore. We still got up to some trouble (we met a few single men online, picked up a few guys in bars, I occasionally saw an old boyfriend)). But the change was pretty obvious. I was different, and my husband didn't like it. My submissive service oriented brain was now more focused on our son and raising him, which definitely impacted our D/s relationship negatively. We struggled. In the middle of all this struggle, about 3 years ago, my husband introduced the idea of MC. I was quite taken aback and frightened by the entire scenario. He bought several devices and tried them out. He also relinquished some personal power back to me. For example, I was suddenly allowed to drink wine, eat, or use the toilet without permission. It was a wacky time! I struggled to adjust and I didn't quite "get it." He said he was turning my "disinterest" in sex into a kink. Then we went to Kink Fest ( something we hadn't done since before our son was born) and my husband got really sick while we were there. The cage came off and was put away without any discussion at all. It was bizarre! Back to D/s... I was frustrated and confused. He never brought it up or even discussed it again. The whole thing lasted about 2 months. In 2015, he met a younger woman online (sound familiar?) and had a relationship with her behind my back. Once I discovered it I tried to be supportive of them continuing a relationship because I realized he was so unhappy. But the damage was done and I could never truly accept her because of all the hurt their relationship had caused me. We also ventured into a polyamorous relationship with my best friend that ultimately ended in disaster because she was either unable or unwilling to make the effort. (Side note: For the most part, I don't believe in monogamy. In my experience, it doesn't work.) That brings us up to date: Two months ago I went out of town for a friend's bachelorette weekend. I get a text from my husband the evening I left explaining that he should probably be locked up in the CB6000 while I am gone. Long pause. Huh? You've got to be kidding! This again! Needless to say, I was skeptical. Last time we moseyed down the MC path, it was confusing and jarring. It was hard to believe he wanted to try it again. But this time does seem different. He has become softer, more attentive. He is more present for our son. He does HOUSEWORK without me asking. The closest I've ever experienced him behaving like this was when I was pregnant (he treated me like a goddess). It's been absolutely fantastic having such an attentive, doting husband. Yes, it's just like the courting phase of days of yore. I love it. So, what's the problem? Here are the issues I have: 1 I'm a submissive. It's who I am. I was raped at a rather young age by an older man. And sadly I think that incident shaped the woman I am today. I've spent more than 25 years being submissive. Suddenly being shoved over to the other side has me reeling. I think I'm having a "If I'm not a sub then who am I?" moment and I don't have anyone to talk through it with. 2 I feel apprehensive about this since we tried it once before and he suddenly backed out. We've discussed that and I understand why he changed his mind. But that incident seems to be hovering on the surface for me. If it was so easy for him to back out then, might he do the same again? 3 We don't have a way to quickly end arguments. When he was in charge, we had a way to punctuate our arguments (him spanking me). This current dynamic means I get very anxious when we argue. I think we've had 3 arguments since the cage went on this time. Usually we can talk our way back to normal but the other night we got into quite a row. I was totally off the rails, uncertain how to behave or what to say. It was confusing and scary. It made me miss the simplicity of our D/s relationship. I don't know if I'm up for "punishing" him (see issue 1). Is my only option for real punishment spanking him? (I've read many threads on this issue but most suggestions don't really seem like punishments) 4 I don't believe in feminism. I don't think the sexes are equal. I believe men have certain powers that women don't. And vice versa. I don't think anything is wrong with that. I'm not saying I think women are weak. Women are strong in ways men can't even imagine (I gave birth to our son au natural, something I am proud to say I don't think my husband could have managed). But I am saying we are different. I think it's reasonable to live a life that allows you to exhibit your strengths. I'm more comfortable in a 1950s household scenario. I don't know if I believe a woman—especially a naturally submissive one—can lead a relationship. Are you born with it or can it develop over time? I'd love to hear from some other women who've experienced going from long-term 24/7 sub to keyholder. Please direct me to any existing threads should they be out there. I did do quite a bit of lurking before deciding to post but I feel i've barely scratched the surface of this amazing site. I appreciate your support! Merci! Xoxo
I would recommend that you read How to set up an FLR by Ivey Green. She has gone from being the s to the D in an D/s marriage and often describes how and why she and her husband went through such a transition. The book has helped my Wife take control in our marriage and helped me with the difficulties such a journey brings. I was the one who initiated this change but it still hasn't been easy to accept at times, and takes effort on both of our parts. Your own journey already sounds incredible. To go from being so overtly sexual to almost not wanting sex at all is usually discussed more from the perspective of the man usurped by a child, so to hear your angle is fascinating. It sounds like your husband has found something that he wants to try to get back a spark in your relationship that he misses. All I can say about my own experiences is that my Wife was going off sex due to in part to her age but mostly due to my attitudes. Male chastity and the move to an FLR has utterly changed that and brought us much closer together.
Wow, what a complex relationship you two have. I am not a keyholder so cannot counsel you from first hand experience. I can however say that it's possible for a tiger to change its stripes. My kh when we met, I could tell was more submissive sexually. Once I introduced chastity device to her, she did some internet searches and read up on FLR, domination, bdsm, and the works. Within months she slowly brought in playful spankings mostly sexual in nature, and turned it into painful learning sessions. Even though this was a hard limit when we started, I have given her full reign to punish me as hard as she pleases...and although it turns her on, is not something leading to me getting sexual attention. It took some getting used to, but I was very proud of her when one night we were going back and forth and she just said that's it bend over the bed. She corrected my attitude and an issue was resolved. Being dominant or leading a FLR doesn't mean you must give up the sex you like, you are just in charge of telling him when the switch is happening. One night I tied mistress up and teased and teased her, telling Khmer I wasn't sure if I would let her orgasm, maybe I would just let her watch me...then I fucked her hard with the strapon and made her cum again with the wand. She loved being taken and used and helpless, but at the same time, there is no doubt of who is really in charge of the bedroom. So it can work with a switch role. Hope things work out, good luck
I recently discovered my Dom side and I can honestly say I face a lot of the same challenges with my boyfriend. You sound like you'll make a great mistress!
Thanks @Chastitygirl88 @Nicoftime and @Catbond... I appreciate that you took the time to respond. There's definitely a learning curve. Love hearing I'm not the only one ;-) xo
This is great! By listing out your issues. It shows that you have already analyzed the situation. So lets go over possible solutions. Please understand that you don't have to take any of my advice. In fact it's probably best if you just stop reading here. 1. You are a submissive. You need to handle the relationship the way that YOU want... Even as a submissive. Wouldn't it be nice if all of the rules you need were already laid out and you didn't have to come up with "How to run your relationship" as a dominant? Wouldn't it be nice if YOU got to decide how kinky your relationship is? Well, that exists already. It sounds to me like you need a structured Female Led Relationship (FLR). Go to http://aboutflr.com/In-Depth-Guide.html Read the page and click the links at the bottom OF EACH information page. It's free. This will help you with how to make the relationship program you are implementing NICE FOR YOU. 2. You are apprehensive because you tried and it failed because he backed out... Look I'm going to be honest, being in a relationship is hard work. There is two way respect going on. There is catering to each others needs. There is spending quality time together, and in the middle of all of that life seems to constantly be trying to screw up your plans. If he wants to shift his focus of pleasure to you first... Do it, but make sure that it stays that way. Set up some rules. Post them. No masturbation No porn (get net nanny) Mandatory together time (my wife gets foot rubs every night now where we talk) Failure means punishment And by the way punishment doesn't mean that you have to whip him... If he wants it, then it's not punishment. You could make him write lines in a notebook, or stand with his nose on the wall for 5-10 minutes with no shoes, no noise, and hands to his side, you could make him do push-ups, or clean the bathroom floor with a toothbrush and no knee pads. Sitting down and planning this out will work much better than listening to him tell you how he wants you to do it to him, and then failing because it's NOT WHAT YOU WANT. Also when he says, "It just doesn't seem like this is working. I don't know if I want to do this anymore because you don't seem like you are participating or taking it seriously." In a calm voice simply say, "I never told you that you could quit." then turn and walk away as though he said nothing. 3. You don't have a way to quickly end arguments... Simple. One thing you will need to agree on is that you have the last say. Arguments end how you want and when you want. Before my wife and I started a FLR we used to argue. Now, when things get heated, she simply says, can I talk to you in the other room. At that point I shut up and just listen. I don't reply to anything. I just hear her out. If I have something important to add or say, I save it until she is done.... If I can still remember what it was by the time she is done making her points. By then I'm usually over it and realize that I need to make her happy and I'M FAILING AT MAKING HER HAPPY. IF HE FEELS PUNISHMENT IS NEEDED AFTER AN ARGUMENT, then do something that you feel comfortable with... Not him. You don't sound like you are capable of beating him senseless so you can make him do anything you need done, like clean your car inside and out. Get yourself a journal. make a section about punishment ideas. I'm sure that your refrigerator will be cleaned out, and all of the towels in the linen closet will be perfectly re-folded and looking great in no time. 4. You don't believe in feminism. Great! Neither does anyone else who lives a real life with real problems. We are all just people trying to make it through this world, and you are right, you are better at some things than he is. That doesn't mean that you are more or less powerful than him. You are just a person in a relationship with another person. How you decide to handle your responsibility to your relationship is your own decision. That being said; Being happy is your right. No one can force you to do anything. Once you have decided to take charge, make being happy a priority. So here are some suggestions to help you get re-started: 1. No more masturbation for him. His "O" is a gift to you. Ask him to tell you if he cheats. 2. No more porn. No more alone time on the computer. Install net nanny. 3. Learn more about him. Get full disclosure. Get him a journal or ask him to start one here in the vault. Tell him to write down his fantasies, thoughts and progress. Ask him how often he masturbates. You may be surprised at how many times per day... Yes per day. 3. Set an "O" schedule for him. This is how often he can ask you if he can masturbate. If you have sex with him on an "O" date he doesn't get to masturbate. Start small (like 2 days, then one week, then two weeks). You have to approve the schedule and he has to ask permission. Just having the "O" on the schedule isn't a guarantee that he gets one, he has to ask you for it (very humiliating, and you can say "No" if you want). He CAN NOT put an "O" on a date that you wouldn't be readily available (like during your period) or if he is out of town. In the end all of the "O"s will be on dates that you are there and he will only want to "O" with you. 4. Make him wear a metal chastity device during the day. EVERY DAY. Unless around family or kids. He puts it on before he leaves the house. He takes it off when he comes home. They are cheap on eBay or DHgate. Give him a key in a sealed paper envelope with your signature for his wallet, and keep the other somewhere accessible at home. You can have him wear one to bed, but night time erections are the worst and can interrupt sleep. 5. Give him chores. Make sure they are done. This is regular housework. 6. Make sure his free time is taken up with lists of ideas you want done. (i.e. weekends, late night when he would be by himself) My wife just gave me a list of phone calls to make for reservations for our summer fall and winter vacations. 7. Plan on talking about it every night for a while. Check up on him. Make sure that he is having fun. Tell him what would make it more fun for you. By the way, he is probably wanting to give you pleasure without receiving any. Just do it. It will make him happy, and it won't hurt you. In fact, if you can handle it, just let him go down on you often at first. I mean if you would rather him just rub your feet, that's cool too, but this is about returning intimacy to your relationship, so make some effort. Good luck!
Wow @macmagna that is such a lovely response! And helpful. I really appreciate it. Some excellent tips and suggestions... Many thanks. Your suggestion that the punishment be something I want is especially helpful. I was thinking about it the wrong way. Thanks for showing me another option!
My advice would be to get a secure chastity device. If he is serious about doing chastity then he will play along. Having a secure device that he cannot remove will not give him the option of backing out. Then you truly do have all of the power. The other thing you can do is to dangle the carrot properly and keep him motivated. Men will move mountains to please their women if they are given the attention they desire. Always keeping him on edge and horny and he will pay you back 3 fold. Yes it requires alot of work. But anything worth investing in does. It needs to be fun and interesting for him to keep playing. Too many times I hear about guys who are locked up and then forgotten about. That is always a recipe for disaster. Next find out what his fantasies are. You need to channel these fantasies through YOU. If he doesnt get them through you he will get them somewhere else. Hope that helps. Good luck
A succinct and absolutely spot on piece of insight! The members on here that are really enjoying the MC/FLM path are those that have the blessing of an actively engaged wife. I am happy to say that my Key Holder does have a firm grasp of this notion!
It's expected that when using a term such as "feminism," people get touchy. The reason I mentioned that I'm not a feminist is because I believe women are better suited to serving men. Just like I believe monogamy doesn't work. It's just a personal belief I have. And so when I am asked to take on a role that I'm not only unaccustomed to but fundamentally don't believe in, it adds a layer of struggle. Being served by a man is not something I've ever even fantasized about. So it's a new experience! I wasn't touching on the "rights" aspect of feminism. I was bringing it up in relation to my personal experiences and needs: the sexes are not equal. Women are more service oriented and therefore better suited to follow (In general. Of course there are exceptions.) I also think feminism is a multifaceted concept and not "about" one thing. Thanks to everyone who responded! I appreciate all the suggestions. Xo
See what not permitting him to orgasm for a month does to his demeanor. You may begin to enjoy his affections and attentiveness. You may begin to enjoy the power you now wield over him. He will be happy that you are giving him attention, no matter what kind of attention that may be. He will be constantly horny with a cage on his penis. Talk, talk, talk. My wife and I sit down every Monday for 15 minutes to check in on how things are going. Open your mind and let a paradigm shift happen if it suits you. Sometimes beliefs change, sometimes they don't. Putting work into the relationship, no matter what the result, is a really healthy approach. I locked myself up and gave my wife the key because I wanted more of her attention, and to share my sexuality with her more. We have 2 young boys. Our sex life was not the best. Since we began chastity, which has evolved into an FLR, things have changed a lot. My submissiveness has teased out a Mistress/Domina/Goddess in her I never knew existed. We are still evolving. I love that you care so much about your relationship that you are reaching out for ways to improve it. Much faith here that you two will find a way to fulfill each others desires (and if it is in an FLR, then sex is for the woman's pleasure!) All the best!