In this day and age, what is a FLR anyway?

Discussion in 'Female led relationships' started by Nicoftime, Apr 27, 2018.

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  1. Nicoftime
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    Nicoftime The suspense is terrible...I hope it lasts

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    Looking back I sometimes wonder the difference between a FLR and being married. So far it has just seemed like acceptance.

    I mean really, did any of us males really feel all that much control before?

    Sex: usually on her terms, doing it her way, when she allowed it. Chastity is added, but the cage is just a tool. Basically, quit touching yourself and pay attention is what it is.

    Money: I don’t care if you have your own account and did all the bills, try showing up with a new anything and there will be questions and looks.

    Decisions: ok, for the most part we get the remote control, and get to put a bunch of our crap in one room to call it a man cave...anything else and you better check with her.

    Her first: those were always the priorities, it’s just easy to let them slip down without enforcement.

    The rest of it seems to either be kinks or methods of reinforcement. Paddling? Yes it works, and yes she enjoys the empowerment, but she could certainly do without it. It certainly helps me get my mind right, and I do get a thrill out of her being active in this enough to do it.

    Dressing a certain way, pegging, clean up...all tools to reinforce an attitude.

    So really isn’t living in a FLR just accepting what we were supposed to be doing, and adding the tools needed to do that? I think of the traditional marriages of the 50’s and can disagree whole heartedly, but in today’s world? When’s the last time you really felt in control of anything in a relationship. Where we eat, who we visit, who we don’t visit, vacation plans, when we’re intimate, when we’re not...it just seems like living this way is a way for us to call a spade a spade, and do the things that helps us accept and react appropriately.

    The human slave bit is different. The desire to relinquish all decisions, opinions, and to eagerly do ...anything, I find not in the FLR realm. The yes man, minion, you’re always correct, seems a bit sterile. To be honest, I would hope my opinions and thoughts were something she respected and enjoyed. Maybe not heeded, but respected.

    So is the FLR we talk about here, mostly just a normal relationship we add some kinks to for reinforcement, or are traditional roles still alive in well? I realize America might be a little less traditional than other countries when it comes to social norms.
     
  2. Chaste J.
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    Chaste J. Long term member

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    Excellent post and I certainly see aspects of my marriage in there! Although we are a couple in a partnership and I do have my own opinions and I do piss her off sometimes, she is still basically in charge! Mrs Chaste is the Matriarchal figure in our family and is very much respected as such and family members "look to her" for help. She is stronger than she believes and incredibly caring! The chastity aspect of our life has led her to really enjoying the "control game" and there is a marked change in so much as I am instructed to do things now rather than asked. It's still developing but she does know that I'm a stubborn bastard and if I really don't want to do something then I won't! And a such she respects that, she will of course "push the limits" sometimes and I will let her! I have found that I am more willing to please now than I was and am much less inclined to annoy her. After all I asked her to lock me up and take charge of my cock, its only natural that I should be a bit more respectful and loving! End of ramble!
     
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  3. Fatkid1
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    Fatkid1 Unquestionably devoted

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    I don’t have any sort of counter argument.
     
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  4. guest 2942
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    guest 2942 Long term member

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    I agree though im not really in a FLR. Bust most of what you said does apply to our relationship.
     
  5. harddenial
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    harddenial Member

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    I very much agree. I think that all that is changed is a transition from FLR-lite pre chastity to FLR-strong with chastity. The fact that she no longer allows penetration is significant in subtly defining roles, plus the fact that I have to ask for sex to pleasure her. She much more readily contradicts me in public and asserts herself in an obvious way to onlookers. She no longer asks about spending my money. Wow, things really have changed up a notch.
     
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  6. Locked In LoneStar
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    Locked In LoneStar Active member

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    That's certainly how it feels for me...
     
  7. LockedPom
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    LockedPom Long term member

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    I think there is a very broad spectrum in "FLR"s, and nothing wrong with that. I would say that our reationship is at the FLR-lite end of the scale. We are equals in our relationship, but she always has the last word, and is the matriarch of the family. The whole tease/denial aspect makes me more agreeable to housework and giving her massages (the latter I really enjoy anyway). BDSM is 66% her dominating, 33% me dominating. No lack of topping from bottom, though that is more that I have more imagination (and time) in that regard. Works well for us.
     
  8. PouchPantyLover
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    PouchPantyLover Long term member

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    I really like your post and thoughts on the issue, but disagree at least for myself. I think one of the biggest changes is in our sex life. First off I was masturbating 2 - 4 times a week and that doesn't happen anymore. Yes she used to be the gate keeper to sex, but I could be pushy enough that I would get sex at times she probably didn't feel up to it. Classic example weekend morning roll over. That's gone now. The extent of me initiating sex now is "Mistress may I get your toys out to pleasure you?" And when she says no, there is no back talk or I'm getting slapped.

    Secondly in terms of chores she used to do 99.9% of the laundry. I'm doing 98% now and getting punished for the 2% she does. She hasn't been to the grocery store in a year. I used to serve her breakfast in bed once every few months. Now it's every weekend and holiday morning unless instructed otherwise. Making the bed was unheard of now it's done daily. The domestic service is night and day from before.

    Thirdly just her expectation of me is completely changed as is her method of dealing with failures to meet her expectations. For example we would go to a party. If she felt I was ignoring her, drinking too much or not monitoring the kids she would brood over it. Maybe get mad at me later and that would result in an argument. Now she simply tells me to change how I'm behaving and if I don't it's going on my punishment list. I remember we were sitting at a table one night with a bunch of people and I was being flippant with her and she said right out loud, "that'll cost you 5". I knew she meant punishment strokes and I apologized on the spot.

    So my life is massively different in our form of FLR. I can see where others might not be, but this has changed us both.
     
  9. Chaste J.
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    Chaste J. Long term member

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    That's very similar to our marriage! Great fun isn't it!
     
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  10. LadyMoon
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    Verified Female

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    For those who are already in egalitarian marriages, I think FLR is basically a change in mindset, as you said. Accepting that someone is the "authority" and the other person is not.

    And from there, the day-to-day changes will look different in every household, depending on how finances, parenting, chores, sex, and etc. were allocated before. For some, the changes might be drastic. For others, it might be "business as usual" plus more toys and rituals!

    For me, FLR is about power exchange. And, in my opinion, there's a level of power exchange in every relationship, vanilla or kinky. In FLR, it's just formalized and explicitly stated that the woman will hold a larger percentage of the power.
     
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  11. SubSnuggler
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    SubSnuggler Owned by Mistress2and4you

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    I think a large portion of marriages are female-led, just without the kink and formal power exchange. And I think it's been that way for a while, actually, When my wife and I look at the couples that we are social with, almost all of them are FLR's, even if they aren't calling themselves that in the BDSM sense.

    Our closest friends we strongly suspect ARE living an FLR in the BDSM sense, but we've never asked nor volunteered. My buddies wife is even more Dom than mine, and thats a strong statement!
     
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  12. Rectrix
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    Rectrix Long term member

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    Yes.
     
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  13. Rectrix
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    Rectrix Long term member

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    This is the best part, when it becomes an expectation. That's when you know she's bought in and that you are serving her in ways that she wants.
     
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  14. Braddogg4345
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    Braddogg4345 Happily Owned by a Goddess

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    For me personally, FLR has completely changed my marriage for the better. Yes, my wife did control a lot in our marriage before, but me being a stubborn ass, I gave Her a lot of resistance. It caused a lot of fights in our relationship. But with FLR, I have learned to accept the fact that She is in charge. I very rarely give Her any pushback anymore. And we are both a lot happier. I can't even remember the last time we have had a serious fight in our marriage.

    Another thing I noticed since we started our FLR, is a change in my wife's attitude. She used to be somewhat timid and extremely indecisive. She was also very self conscious about Her physical appearance. All that has changed. She now has a dominant alpha female attitude (I actually think it has always been buried in Her, and the FLR just brought it to the surface). She makes all the decisions. And She has accepted the fact that She has the body of a Goddess. I remind Her all the time by worshipping every inch of Her body. Overall, She is just a lot more confident than She used to be.

    The chastity has helped our relationship immensely too. I used to masturbate on average probably once a day, or once every two days. There were a lot of times my wife would come home from work wanting sex, but I had jerked off while She was gone, and I wasn't in the mood. That was another source of a lot of our fights. Now that we have been doing chastity for over 2 years now, I think I have masturbated maybe 3 times, and that was when She allowed me to. I am now constantly horny and ready for Her whenever She wants sex. She no longer has to worry about me "not being in the mood".

    I know for a lot of men, just being married is almost a form of FLR. But practicing a true, official FLR, has made our marriage run sooo much more smoothly. We were actually talking about it the other day, and both of us said that we have never been happier in our marriage. And we have been married going on 12 years now.
     
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  15. LesterBallard
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    LesterBallard Long term member

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    Just obey. Accept and obey.
     
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  16. demale
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    demale Long term member

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    Our female-controlled marriage has evolved into role reversal. She is the husband, I am the wife.
     
  17. Giles_English
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    Giles_English Chaste slave

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    Shock horror! Users of a forum for men who like women in charge discover that, in their relationships, the women tend to be in charge.

    (I think most of us in FLRs started in implicit FLRs! In other words, though your description is 100% on target for most of us, it's not necessarily true for the entire population of men.)
     
  18. Bonobo
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    Bonobo Long term member

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    Our marriage was definitely male led, I was able to do what I wanted when I wanted. However I always dreamed of her ruling the roost. My Kadira is learning how to stand up for what she wants and she is learning she can run the house. I am learning how to be the submissive and I am her teacher at the same time. It’s a balancing act for me, I am still teaching my Kadira that she is in charge and she does not need to question that. It is extremely challenging to do this without being to assertive and taking over as the dominant again. It’s a slow transition for us but we are noticing some very positive results. My guess is this is not totally unusual and when she is ready to spread her wings I may be asking what I did but I would not have it any other way.
     
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  19. Locked In LoneStar
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    Locked In LoneStar Active member

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    That's where I'd like us to end up eventually, I think.
     
  20. Rectrix
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    Rectrix Long term member

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    Thank you for this beautiful post! I love that your wife has grown in your new relationship, it is the same with my wife and it is a beautiful thing to see.
     
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  21. Rectrix
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    Rectrix Long term member

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    Fine line here. I don' t want to bottom top -- I try to "teach" by submission, by not questioning what I used to question. She notices and grows.
     
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  22. Bonobo
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    Bonobo Long term member

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    Yes topping from the bottom is avoided. If I did that then we would be going backwards not forward. It is a very fine line but sometimes we have to walk it to build confidence in our relationships.
     
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  23. Nicoftime
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    Nicoftime The suspense is terrible...I hope it lasts

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    No I don’t believe everyone has that dynamic, I just think the term female led gets lumped into a lot of the kinky stuff, when in fact many relationships are female led without all the bells and whistles...and some are so veiled that everyone pretends he is in charge but both know when no one is around it’s the opposite.

    I remember a Father’s Day cars I saw once. On the inside there was a name tag that said im the boss. Then it read...you can give this back to Mom tomorrow. Dad might get the big piece of chicken, but everyone knows who’s really in charge.

    I think the days of barefoot and pregnant woman in the kitchen, dependent on a man are more of a rarity than women controlling the home(in one form or another). Be it stern looks, passive aggressive stomping around the house, quiet treatments, or plain ol “not in the mood” spells that happen to last until things are made right. My point is it isn’t cages, clean up, spankings, or leather outfits, but it certainly is her running the show none the less. Maybe FLR is just being more open about it, and men openly accepting?

    I only brought it up because it seemed like we have many here that think it’s all or nothing. I think my relationship is female led, but I won’t let her control my money or my personal freedoms. If she asked I would probably give or concede, but I’m an adult and can handle my own money and decide who and where to spend my time on. Everything else, if we disagree, I speak my mind and concede or compromise. Some would think since I act independent of her financially that we aren’t “FLR”.
     
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  24. CJ's hubby
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    CJ's hubby Active member

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    I don't think the FLR/FLM relationships are something that has just came to pass. Even as far back as the 50s and 60s those relationships existed. But then the men were just referred to as 'pussy whipped'.

    There was even a time of 'chivalry' when a man rushed to open a car door for his Queen or rushed to open any door in general for her. And how many of us thought Barbara Stanwyck was so hot in the old TV series 'The Big Valley' when she walked around dressed in leather and punished many men with her whip. And how many TV had a couples sleeping in separate beds... maybe a bit of denial going on?

    Yeah... I think we have been around for a while
     
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  25. SubSnuggler
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    SubSnuggler Owned by Mistress2and4you

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    Since men haven't been needed for their physical brawn to defend the homestead...there's no reason to insist on a male-led relationship anymore. That's one reason most modern relationships are female led. Sure the BSDM type FLR is much more rare, but pretending the small-letter flr isn't the norm is a bit myopic. Hollywood is all on this Me Too movement when much of America lets their women rule the roost already.
     
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