In at the Deep End

Thanks Lock. I could even point you to the original message

 

I set myself a goal today - Feb 29 - that I would it into the Holy Trainer and stay in it overnight. So far I haven't even been able to wear it for an hour (maybe even half) although I have become quite proficient at fitting it, having learnt a way to persuade my testicles to go through the ring and not pop out before my penis can block them.

In the afternoon - no. After dinner - no. In the evening - no. Later that night - no. Just seconds before the clock turned midnight - yes. And so I find myself nearly forty minutes later, not exactly comfortable but still locked in. It's hard to tell if it is the way the device is fitted that is causing the irritability or my penis trying to escape its confines. The problem is I'm not entirely sure what my penis is doing right now locked within its little black chamber. It could be straining for release or just sitting dormant waiting out it's time - I just can't tell. Right now I can't decide if this is an advantage or disadvantage of the device not being clear. If you get my drift - It's difficult to know which way is up.

I don't know if this is going to stay on for long, but as proof of concept - things are definitely improving. I just wish I knew where the pinching was coming from and if it will be bearable when wearing clothes.

 

Problem isolated: It's where the testicles split (separate?) under the cage. Feels ever so tight down there and even the tenderest of touches causes a lot of discomfort. Still nothing like the stomach aches/cramps I was getting a couple of days ago though.

I could feel the pinch starting to build so decided to take it off rather than risk waking up with an injury and/or screaming the house down. Yep that would be great: 'So why exactly are you clutching your testicles and rolling around in agony?' followed shortly by 'what's that black thing'. Not ideal especially as I have to get up ludicrously early to go on a conference tomorrow - correction: later this morning. Fortunately I'm already packed.

The positives though is that out of sheer bloody-mindedness I managed to last a whole hour. Sure the key might have been waiting near the lock in the last few seconds but it was an hour all the same. Nothing compared to what I have managed in other devices (and what others on this site do long term) but an age for my current situation.

I don't know if you've come across 'the horse' which uses to be used for both predicament bondage and torture. It was ostensibly a wooden block shaped into the style of a dog kennel (like the one Snoopy sleeps in in the Peanuts cartoons). It has a tall pointed roof and slopping sides. The 'rider' would be placed - and tied - on to the horse in such a way that they were standing on tip toes and any attempt to sit down would bring their genitals into contact with the ridge of the roof causing themselves pain. - This was essentially what I was doing to myself in the Holy Trainer but without the opportunity to stand.

It looked tonight as if my body had done a little reshaping in an attempt to fit around the device but unless it finds a way of doing it some more as soon as my body starts getting tired from 'it's fitting' and my testicles once more try to retreat into my body I have essentially bought myself a lockable, irremovable but portable, 'horse'. The penis torture device I can carry with me everywhere!

Somewhat perversely I am happy about the whole situation though, as at least I now know where the pain is coming from. I had thought larger cage might help but now know that this probably won't make a difference. The trick will be making my testicles sit low enough so that they won't feel permanently stretched by the cage. Everything starts off okay at first but as they start to retreat again the pressure begins to build and creates a slowly ticking time bomb waiting to go off.

I'm away overnight tomorrow and am in two minds as to whether to take the Trainer with me. For a start I don't really want to leave it lying around a hotel bedroom, but equally I don't want to suddenly have to strip off in front of my colleagues because I can't walk with out crying... Equally though its no doubt the regular practice that is making things start to become bearable. It's been 20 minutes now since I removed the cage and things seem a lot more bearable. Which is interesting - as I didn't remove the ring. It definitely seems to be the cage therefore that is the problem.

Had better try sleeping - before its time to start thinking about waking up.

 

Was my last post really on the 1 March. Still the site's been down so almost a fortnight away is hardly my fault Glad they've got it back up though.

The long and short of it all is that I can now wear the Holy Trainer for increasing amounts of time with the fit being closer to my body. Still not long term though as my testicles seem to wriggle free and one in particular stings as it tries to get through the gap: even when it can't. I believe the Guardian anti pull-outs I ordered should be arriving on Monday/Tuesday. Having paid the customs charge for them over the weekend. Not sure that's they'll be necessary though as there doesn't seem to be much if any give on the device. Well, when it's on my anyway.

What else has been happening. Well I managed to annoy Lock and he is threatening the next time I get to edge for him to have to do it with Tiger Balm on my testicles, or wait for another 5lbs to try again for a reward. Then my weight goals went slightly awry so I have to do an increasing amount of crunches each day above everything else, till Wednesday. Still nine days to try and hit the main goal now. Lock says he'll permit me a gloveless orgasm if I hit the target on the 21st. Still not sure whether this includes the use of Tiger Balm too - should really ask. Slightly more worrying was his comments over what might happen should I fail to meet the target including a comment that I definitely don't want to know what the penalty - or penalties - for missing will be. Which doesn't sound good at all.

At least Lock was happy about the last few days loss lest it sound like I've gone rouge and he needs to tame me. A week of conference food and parties however did not do my targets any good.

 

Thanks Lock - I'm not going to argue with any of that. (Not that I would.)

 

Here's (most of) an email to Lock regarding the ongoing fitting woes. It probably explains best what I deleted from this log at least three times last night:

Yesterday was a long day. Full of resisting food and the urge to complete. A trip to the gym helped but my foot is still demanding that I take it very easy. Did manage a new fastest speed at one point though.

I have, however, finally(!) learnt why the Holy Trainers is being awkward and its not quite what I thought. I've always noticed that my penis seems to go in slightly to the right and fold of skin is caught when the cage is pushed back on. Though it never seems to be that much of a problem. It does however seem to be the reason that the cage often tries to pop out once a let go of it if not locked. Very very rarely it has also caused me a lot of pain as soon as the lock is turned.

So what's new? Well now that my testicles are finally starting to arrange themselves nicely and I can last long in the device I'm beginning to feel the pinch up top. I think it could be due to my different sized testicles (although that's less noticeable now) displacing themselves in the device meaning I sit slightly wonky. But whatever I do there doesn't seem to be away to get it all in on that side (the one with the bigger ball) and close the device.

It's fine for a while but as soon as there is any kind of prolonged erection the skin attempts to follow my member back into the main cage. Maybe the anti-pullouts will actually help in keeping everything straight after I pick them up today!?!? I can't personally see anyway of straightening everything out. Although I hadn't realized it was quite such a problem till last night.

Now that it's been 8 weeks my body is definitely noticing the changes. Some of which it seems quite happy to accept whilst others... at least over the last few days there's been lots of little mental reminders. Still intrigued that this whole thing is making me desire physical intimacy/company a lot more than lets say 'taking the matter in hand' myself - though that would certainly distract from the other.​

In many ways things are now so, so, close to actually working but also a million miles away. There is only one small glitch with the cage and that other desire to find a compatible human who might like to reap the benefits of Lock's new regime - though they might not be so accepting of the cage itself.

There's also that little matter of having to lose half a stone in roughly one week to make Lock's target after the conference week slippage. Currently having to regain ground that had already been covered.

 

Motivating myself on my email promise to Lock to try and sleep in the device. Things are getting more comfortable now especially when I don't have to be clothed. Should soon be possible to leave it on overnight but could do without the fitting wrestle tonight. (Maybe it won't be for long though.)

Each of us have our own quirks in life and one of mine is that a good pair of underwear is essentially. Not just to look good for a partner but the importance of fit and comfortability is weigh up their too. They don't have to be designer but they have to be well made. I can happily slouch around in a grungy t-shirt and jeans but the day is so much better when you look after the, ahem, 'boys'. After all, it's the one item of clothing that I spend most of my time in.

But today, I cleared them all out for some additional chastity friendly pairs. Which means I can both be slightly less well acquainted with the washing machine and able to go away both clean and without crushed testicles. So what, you might be thinking (and probably rightly), but its a subtle mental shift in thought that this is something which is going to continue... . Am I beginning to accept the inevitably of all this? My house needs a clear out and this is part of the simplification process. But its still feels like a little mental note to say - this could be for the long haul.

At least I'm now showing signs of being able to make next weeks target, at last.

 

Yesterday I was happy, I was making progress.

Today, weigh in day, it's all back there again.

Now I have 9 pounds to lose again in 5 days and/or just hope it was an anomaly with the scales.

 

Thanks @cagedwolf I very nearly(!?) went off the rails today. As it is I have had far far far far too much coffee. (Which in some ways is a little similar to the Exlax diet.)

And true Lock - I have had two fried breakfasts this month, which I thought I balanced out with the rest of there respective weeks. Other than that ... Will need to sort this out in order to get back on track. Nobody is forcing me to eat...

 

That's an easy one Lock - My coffee is always black.

 

My keyholder, @lock667, is a glass blower and made the pendant I wear around my neck. In the centre of the glass is an emergency key - which can only be got to by smashing the pendant.

It arrived a few days ago as did the leather chain to which it is now affixed. Today I discovered that I can't take it off. Every time I try and unclipped the clasp it remains resolutely stuck. I even made sure I looked closely at the locking/unlocking mechanism before putting on to make sure this didn't happen. But what ever method of twisting and pulling I try, it just stays there.

It seems I now have a very own slave collar on my hands as well! I'm sure I could persuade someone to help me out of it - So long as they don't ask too many questions like: Where did you get it from, and, what's that key unlock...

At least, after a frustrating day, I can currently see the funny side.

 

Be amused Lock - the one you sent was tiny on me - it looked like I was wearing a choker.

BTW the metal device you included was very effective for a while until it slipped and then owwwww.

 

I think somebody is sabotaging my scales.

Yesterday I had a busy day at the gym which made absolutely no difference to the scales. I wouldn't mind but Lock's deadline is fast approaching - and apparently I don't want to miss it.

Today I managed to set a new personal best for treadmill running. But being mostly on the flat I'm not sure that I could keep it up on my regular route. The good news about the PB is that it was true both post and pre op. So may finally be getting back on track exercise wise. Just need to becareful that my foot doesn't flare up again in the next few days.

Lock has told me to edge tonight without gloves or anything. Think that he might have been reading my mind. The last few days have been a little frustration and made me question what I am doing. Lots of problems without reward/resolution and so on. It seems that being overweight and lazy makes me feel submissive, whereas exercise makes me proactive. Is that catch 22?

Maybe Lock is thinking that being reminded of what I can't have is what is in order. I know that the main thought in my mind right now is that it has been two whole months since I last came.

2 months.
Two months.
61 days ...

No, not thinking about it at all.

 

Thank you lock for the extra days.

I now actually have a chance of hitting this target. Hopefully.

The rest of the night is sorted though: Edge now - then lock up straight after.

After today it almost seems like the better option.

 

In the three months plus that I have been actively experimenting with male chastity I have yet to find a device that fits and works. True, I seem to have a slightly abnormal body - but there is only so far that you can go.

The type of chastity devices that I have tried runs into double figures and includes both cages and full belts. Yesterday I was wearing one of the two best fitting devices I own and in the evening even let Lock have the key. Lock had sent the steel device through the post along with the emergency key pendant with the suggestion to try it. Wearing it this time caused some rubbing via the ring, this started to die down but never went away - just as with the Holy trainer.. Erections were definitely troubling including an evening out with C (remember her). Particularly after the edging Lock requested the other day I woke up this morning feeling rather bruised and horny. I've been chaste for two months now and the month before that only had release once or twice.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. I find that sitting in chastity is a nightmare. Particularly on trains and stiff chairs. There's only so long you can slump in a seat before it starts getting awkward. Then there's the time that chastity takes up. Not the actual locked up time but the fixtures and fitting the trying to sort stuff out. It's interfering with the rest of life to a considerable and increasing degree. Especially now that three months have gone by. Right now I'm supposed to be creating a major new project. But the creative side of me keeps slipping back into working through chastity issues. The two can not compete with each other. And that's before we even start to discuss getting to and from work.

Last night when I got home and cleared up after urinating (another problem in both 'best' devices) I got up stairs to the feeling of a testicle escapiing into the cage. Then a fortunately short wait holding the cage whilst waiting for Lock to come online to release the key. I won't be wearing that device again. It seems that no matter what ring style 'cage' device its not going to work. Which leads back to the Holy Trainer - the last best hope. It's a ring based device again but thanks to the shape of the ring (slightly oblong/'ovalish' my testicles do stay in. But the stretching pain has never gone away. For however long I've been trying it. It's fine for night time use but not during the day or having to sit straight .. and I've never been brave enough to try it during exercise.

To continue it seems I'm left with one choice - a full belt. In my first experience of this I ended up finding a lot of difficulty with the admittedly cheap (for what it is) device. Any kind of strenuous exercise would have been impossible, going to the bathroom caused considerable mess and also bruising which lasted for a couple of weeks. Nothing significant but not pleasant or what you want. The bulk of the device means that its probably not good for day-to-day life. I've spent the morning researching other similar devices but without the back part of the cage. Those within my price range are probably likely to be equally as cheap. The belt I wore for instance was already showing signs of the foam breaking. That said these other devices could work - but still have problems with bulk. And I have said from the outset that I'm not really interested in full belts because of their obviousness in (very) close proximity. I was also against metal/steel for work reasons but this has lessoned slightly but is still a problem. I can think of four times in the next few months where it will be a problem. Any kind of large chastity device is likely to be a problem at this time though as I will be receiving multiple pat downs by trainee policemen over multiple days often in the middle of crowded places in real-life situations. Don't worry I'm not a criminal - but do help the police test out their new recruits... [Excuse me sir - is that a chastity device in your pocket, or are you just pleased to see me.]

For a while I was coveting a Behind Barz device. But they are both expensive (and rightly so) and inappropriate right now seeing as my major goal right now is to loose weight which could mean having to replace the device at least once for a smaller size. And that is going to be the same with any other expensive device. So it seems that I'm all out of options. No device fits, works, or is practical.

Which brings me to Lock. He's been brilliant and has stepped in when I needed help. He's done his best to encourage and been kind and encouraging - but firm when necessary. He's stuck with it - even through the troubles. Thanks to Lock I've survived two months, joined a gym, been able to hit all of the targets so far... But the most he has done so far is motivate myself to reach my potential. But I've done all of this whilst unlocked and its led me to wonder if I actually need the chastity side of things to go forward. If C offered to put me in chastity well that's a different story. Because, as I've come to discover I'd pretty much do anything for her. But let's not pretend that that wouldn't be an entirely different type of chastity and not one where I would be looking for health benefits... Lock wants me locked up. I can't offer him that. So what to do.

I have to pick my fights and it seems like chastity using devices is a losing fight. As I said at the top its still, months on, taking me away from my long term goals. I can't focus on writing, scripting, performing. I can't get to work without pain or go about my usual business. I know that people are starting to notice my 'uncomfortability'. I also know that things have been moving with 'C' not in that way but we're far better friends now.

So that's where I am, and as you have probably guessed by now I think I have to wave enforced chastity and this site behind. There would be far, far, far too many battles to fight. I have to concentrate on my primary goals which right now lie both at work on the stage. These are the things I would regret in later life if I didn't follow through now. Not having my cock locked up. So with regret, this will be my last post/visit here.

Before I go I want to thank @lock667 for first agreeing to be an Emlalock keyholder and then sticking with it through the difficult times. But for reasons he no doubts understands well by now it has to be game over.

One last thing:

Tonight I'm contacting C and inviting her to see the new Batman/Superman film, like the old times. Then we're going to talk. That is after all, it's become clear, what I've really wanted all along.

If I didn't do that I'd never forgive myself.

Thanks for reading.

Thank you, goodnight.