I'm not dominant. I'm a Keyholder.

Discussion in 'Chastity and orgasm denial' started by Goddess Gaia, Sep 3, 2018.

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  1. Goddess Gaia
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    Goddess Gaia Looking for a Good boy in Phildelphia
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    Had this revelation last night, trying to figure why I've been so sad lately.

    I've been trying to be a Domme, or approach kink and chastity as a Domme, but that's not what I am at all. I'm a keyholder. To me, there's a huge difference between the two.

    A Domme, Owner, FLR, etc has tremendous power, sometimes all the power in the relationship. She can dole out punishments if necessary, she is either leader in all things or delegates leadership to her boy when wanted. But that isn't even remotely my style.

    I'm a Keyholder. I love, love, love male chastity. It's incredibly romantic and intimate to me. It's also a way of personal growth for those who seek that. I could do keyholding without dating, that's fun and appealing. I could be a keyholder for a service submissive-he runs my errands for me, washes the car, etc, in order to "earn" his freedom or as appreciation for me holding his key. I could also do what I'm doing with @Dev810, holding the keys to his personal growth. I guide his inner growth and outer changes, as another sub described it "giving his soul and wardrobe a shoe shine." I'd be happy to do that the rest of my life for those who want to change their lives but don't know how.

    I have a helper's heart. Been that way my whole life, I got my degree in Social Work. I want to help everyone I can in any way I can. I am also a little bit of a control freak and perfectionist. I use those aspects in a healthy way by being a Growth Keyholder for Dev810. However, if I embraced those traits fully and became a demanding, full-fledged Domme, it would be horrible for both my mental health and that of any sub under me.

    Even though I'm OCD and a control freak, I don't want more control over others. I want to practice listening, compromise, support, boundaries. Being a Domme doesn't feel good unless it's a form of play. I realized I was just being a people-pleaser when I tried to be dominant. It feels soooo good to let that false idea go.

    Chastity is romantic to me. It's a symbol, a promise, show of respect, it touches and opens my heart. If you can't take care of your dick, I can lovingly take care of it for you and keep it safe from your over-eager hands.

    I have no interest in FLR, honestly. The only thing I'd be interested in would be leading the healing path in a chastity relationship. Stop seeing yourself as a walking hard-on. Heal from society's wounds. Submit to my nurturing, allow me to heal you. Heal me and support me in healing myself.

    I don't want to order you around all day. I don't want to do all the decision making. I just want to hold your key and hand you my heart.

    <3 <3 <3
     
  2. latexbound
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    latexbound Locked

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    What a lovely posting @Goddess Gaia. Thank you. I find what you say very refreshing as I think there are certain pressures in the D/s world to fulfil roles. Though many (probably the majority) do fit naturally and comfortably into variations of the stereotypical categorisations, those categories are not for everyone. We are all individuals and though we may associate with many definitions in this world, each of us has are own desires and interests.
    I think what you have described is true for many. Chastity is quite a unique dynamic between 2 people and ultimately is only about the connection between those 2 people. Any rules should be defined between those 2 people and not set by external influences, though what we all read, discuss and learn will inevitably have certain influences on us too.
    Chastity as a form of healing is an interesting discussion in itself. I have met others that see it similarly and for the right dynamic it can be a powerful and positive force.
    Very cool posting. Thanks again :)
     
  3. Chaste J.
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    Chaste J. Active member

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    Excellent post! Key holding doesn't have to be "cruel" or a "harsh, lots of beating" lifestyle! It can be and is what ever works best for you! So if FLR and Femdom is your thing great, if not also great! As is said there is no right or wrong way.
     
  4. Goddess Gaia
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    Goddess Gaia Looking for a Good boy in Phildelphia
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    The question is not "are you sub or dom" the question is "do BDSM dynamics appeal to you?" Not everyone is meant for BDSM. There's no sense in forcing yourself in a box. It's a buffet, take what you like and leave the rest :)
     
  5. latexbound
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    latexbound Locked

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    Though of course for many, being forced into a box has its appeal ;)
     
  6. LesterBallard
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    LesterBallard Active member

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    it's wonderful when you make a breakthrough and finally start to understand what it is you're really seeking. I'm delighted for you.
     
  7. Wonderwomanssub
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    Wonderwomanssub Active member

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    It's up to you how much power and dominance you want express to your partner. There's to much pressure and expectations on KH's to be picture book "dommes" and many of us guys stress our partners out with these expectations taking the fun out of it.

    I do believe you can still have a fulfilling relationship using chastity but not being a domme. Many people start using chastity in their relationships to enhance some lost intimacy and rekindle their flame. If you've asked your partner to lock you for these reasons or asked to lock your partner for these reasons than this is what should be the foundation, the start of your rekindling and then go from there.
     
  8. Goddess Gaia
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    Goddess Gaia Looking for a Good boy in Phildelphia
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    A queen box is next on my diy list!
     
  9. Mr. Toots
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    Mr. Toots Member

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    Great post with a lot of great points. I think many people can get the wrong impression of chastity and the things that go along with it, especially from the fantasy point of view. We have kind of an FLR marriage but have picked what's worked for us and our dynamic best. I think you and my wife have many of the same ideas regarding all of the domme stuff and chastity in general. All the labels and whatnot can definitely take away from the experience and turn people away. There are lots of great things that can come from living this lifestyle, especially coming from a healing and loving perspective as well as all the societal stuff. I know it's been a huge thing for me and @Clotho_ulloo
     
  10. Clotho_ulloo
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    I absolutely see you're perspective and have gone through a very similar gamut of emotions myself... we've struggled with all of the "labels" in BDSM. Not to judge anyone else, by any means! To each their own, for sure! (Which I also love the non-judgmental attitudes most have in BDSM or at least that I've experienced)
    But, we'll get excited and feel "oh we "fit" here".... haha generally not quite! Which is OKAY! Everyone brings fascinating perspectives to the table! Thank you for sharing yours! I absolutely can relate!

    There is SO much sweetness to chastity.... I know it makes me want to share and help others through their journey as well! Sending you all the love fellow keyholder! <3 Dead on with this sharing!
     
  11. Breathe
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    Breathe Be true to yourself

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    Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this, and congratulations on your breakthrough. It sends an important message that while we're all different, our mutual love for chastity can surpass labels and expectations when our minds are open.

    Not all keyholders are dominant women - and that's more than okay. :love:
     
  12. Shepherdsflock
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    You and my wife would probably get along. She is not a Domme, or any other kind of dominant, aggressive type. She loves me, loves keeping me chaste, but is a kindhearted, loving woman. She isn’t cruel or bossy or any of the other stereotypes.
     
  13. Chaste J.
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    Makes me wonder how far Mrs Chaste will go! She's definitely "flexing" her muscles on the dominant front! I'm sure she'll find a level that suits her best!
     
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  14. Xtudo3002
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    Xtudo3002 Xall

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    Exactly what I expect from a KH Goddess, the real meaning of being dominant.
     
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  15. winstonmacgregor
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    winstonmacgregor Active member

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    You may be the best publicity to the idea of chastity that there has ever been. You have wonderfully worded it as if it were an herbal supplement to help all parties involved get back to their tranquil center. Hopefully all goes well for you. It would be an interesting subject if it were possible for you to write about during your experience. Healing through chastity.
     
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  16. Her Dividend
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    Her Dividend Junior Member

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    One does not have to be a "Bitch Goddess" to be dominant, but I kind of get what you are saying. Being one thing (a key holder) should not trap you into other, commonly associated roles or types.

    Most people are kind of mutt-like -- aka we have a lot of different traits that make us different than a pure breed type.

    On the flip side, most dominant women hate device chastity and may not be fans of chastity at all.
     
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  17. Goddess Gaia
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    Goddess Gaia Looking for a Good boy in Phildelphia
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    You're so sweet, I want to frame this comment forever <3
     
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  18. Goddess Gaia
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    Goddess Gaia Looking for a Good boy in Phildelphia
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    When I say I'm not dominant I mean I only want control of one thing- the key. I want an equal partnership everywhere else, sharing chores, making decisions, etc. I am learning that as you say, a lot of us are a mixed bag of things. I just need to make sure my bag only carries things that truly suit me.
     
  19. Manalba
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    Manalba Enthralled by Artemis.

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    I hope many 'curious vanilla' ladies find this thread and realise that being a keyholder needn't be about being a ball-busting leather-clad uber-femme.

    If it's what you desire, the overtly sexual aspects can have very little to do with it.
    Perhaps that's called love.
     
  20. tqbartleby
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    Thank you for a beautiful and enlightening post, @Goddess Gaia. Testimony to the importance of finding one's own way through all the stereotypes and pre-packaged roles and methods. Everything is customizable and we shouldn't be afraid to ignore the seeming conventions and do what's right for us.
     
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  21. Nicoftime
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    Nicoftime The suspense is terrible...I hope it lasts

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    Self awareness is never a bad thing.

    It reminds me of someone that told me they were catholic. I said no you’re not, you’re Christian but not catholic. She said “I was born and raised catholic!”. I told her,”you believe in contraception, premarital sex, divorce, and gay rights, don’t donate 15% of tour income, go to church or confess your sins...your not catholic.” This kind of hit home and she said I guess not. I told her that she’s still the same, her belief and faith hadn’t changed, just the label.

    I know my wife is not mean or cruel. She often does things which aren’t “domme” because she enjoys making me happy. Sometimes she rubs my feet, gets up early to make sure I don’t oversleep, or tries to make supper. That doesn’t mean she doesn’t know what she wants, or feel less respected, it just means she doesn’t fit into a “domme” label, and that’s ok. She loves our dynamic and chose what to keep and what to toss.

    It sounds like you see which direction you want to go, and the path is clearly lit. I am happy for you and wish you well on your journey.
     
  22. Robinoh
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    Great post and thread! I feel like I finally found a KH that reminds me of my beautiful wife more than any of the others I have come across here.

    My wife is not a bossy domme type at all. Asking her to take that kind of lead freaked her out. I did it because I thought she’d jump right in. Man was I wrong. It scared her away from all chastity related stuff. She is accepting of my chastity desires but not involved hardly at all.

    But after reading this post today I have a totally new perspective that I plan to share with her tonight. We’ve just come off a long weekend away and the timing couldn’t be better to share this new found philosophy for vanilla and/or non domme ladies. I believe this path is exactly how she would view chastity in our relationship if I hadn’t pushed so hard at the start. Thank you so much!
     
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  23. tegelad
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    tegelad Class and sophistication in all things

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    I think the appropriate term would be loving key holding. You be you. Life is a dance it is more fun when both people learn to lead and follow during the entire time on the dance floor.
     
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  24. Goddess2692
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    Goddess2692 Goddess2692
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    I agree 100%. I too am not demanding and threatening. So being a "domme" at first kind of scared me. I enjoy the cage and the personality I get from my husband when he is in it. Very accommodating and pleasing but I know it's just because he is locked up and wants out. I see pictures of Dommes dressed in all black with high heels on and a whip making their men do what they want, lick shoes, call them mistress, etc. That part hasn't reached me yet. I don't see it as my personality. Not sure I will ever get there. Reading this post helps me realize I might never get there and it's okay. We all have our own ways of doing this. There is no right or wrong. If you try something and don't like it you can change to something else.
    In this group I just want support and guidance, ideas on what to do.
    Thank you!
     
  25. Goddess Gaia
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    Goddess Gaia Looking for a Good boy in Phildelphia
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    I don't want to feel or act mean, but I also don't even want much control. All I want is the key. I wouldn't feel comfortable if my man did all the chores, wanted punishments, etc. For me chastity and dominance are two different things that CAN go together, but don't have to. It's a buffet. I totally understand why a lot of women freak out when they hear chastity as about spanking, chores, pegging, and calling him a useless worm. It's been said many times that femdom porn and male ideas of dominance aren't actually appealing to many women.
    I hope we can make a "gentle intro" section for curious women, written by real women who enjoy chastity. Chastity is fun and lovely and can be done 100 different ways. You can be gentle, you can be demanding, it all counts as long as a key''s involved.
     
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