I accidentally swallowed some scrabble letters.....

Discussion in 'Off topic discussions' started by manintyres, Jul 27, 2017.

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  1. LittleAndLockedJames
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    LittleAndLockedJames Member

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    #51 LittleAndLockedJames, Oct 2, 2017
    If Superman buys the new iPhone X, will it recognise him when he wears his Clark Kent glasses?
     
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  2. LittleAndLockedJames
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    LittleAndLockedJames Member

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    #52 LittleAndLockedJames, Oct 3, 2017
    My wife said "You only want sex when you're drunk", "Not true" I replied "I sometimes want a kebab"
     
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  3. LittleAndLockedJames
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    LittleAndLockedJames Member

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    #53 LittleAndLockedJames, Oct 5, 2017
    A lady was walking along one day when she noticed a parrot for sale in a pet shop. It was a beatiful bird, it's feathers glowing with colour. She noticed it was only £2.50p. Intrigued she entered the shop and found the owner.

    "Why is a bird that beautiful so cheap"? She asked. "Aaahh," replied the owner " I'm afraid that parrot used to live in a brothel but he became a little too much for the Madam to control and she asked if I could sell him. I've had him for three years and can't sell him. Unfortunately, his language is as colourful as his feathers".

    The lady feels sorry for the bird and decides to buy him, after all he would be talking point at parties.

    So the lady gets home, as she gets to her door cage in hand the parrot squawkes " A NEW WHOREHOUSE, A NEW WHOREHOUSE, SHOW ME THE PUSSY, SHOW ME THE PUSSY, WHERE'S THE DUNGEON, WHIP ME, WHIP ME, FUCK ME, SUCK ME". The lady was, despite warning, a little taken back and shocked but could not help laughing.

    A little later her daughters arrived home. On seeing them the parrot squawked " FUCK ME, NEW HOOKERS. NICE TITS, SHOW ME YOUR TITS, HOT PUSSY, HOT PUSSY, IS ANAL EXTRA?" The girls were shocked until they saw mum laughing at the bird.

    That night the lady's husband got home from work, the lady and her daughters waited in anticipation as the door opened.

    The parrot squawked "FUCK ME DAVE, LONG TIME NO SEE"
     
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  4. LittleAndLockedJames
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    LittleAndLockedJames Member

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    #54 LittleAndLockedJames, Oct 5, 2017
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 7, 2017
    Stupid clumsy fingers. Ggggrrrrrrrr. Forgive the typos please. I need a proof reader.

    [Typo's sorted - yr welcome! Verity.]
     
  5. LittleAndLockedJames
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    LittleAndLockedJames Member

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    #55 LittleAndLockedJames, Oct 6, 2017
    My wife said "that's disgusting, stop pissing in the shower"

    "Calm down" I said "everybody does it"

    "Not from the outside, when someone's using it " she screamed.
     
  6. LittleAndLockedJames
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    LittleAndLockedJames Member

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    #56 LittleAndLockedJames, Oct 7, 2017
    My wife asked me which of her friends I would choose to have a threesome with.

    Apparently I wasn't supposed to choose two of them.
     
  7. SubVerity
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    SubVerity Still the mansion's fairy godmother. ;)

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    #57 SubVerity, Oct 7, 2017
    Back with the tight Yorkshiremen.


    This hooker sets up down the road and puts a sign up saying "Anything you can say in 3 words - £5 only"

    Her first customer turns up "Fuck me silly"
    40 minutes later he leaves with a big fat grin on his face, and a good sway to his motion. Job done.

    Her 2nd client turns up and says "Beat me up"
    Again, 40 minutes later he leaves battered, bruised and happy.

    Her 3rd customer is this Yorkshire-man. She opens the door on him and he says "Paint my house"
     
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  8. Madamebellestoy
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    Madamebellestoy Long term member

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    #58 Madamebellestoy, Oct 8, 2017
    Q. Where do Russians hide thier armies?

    A. In thier sleaveies
     
  9. Madamebellestoy
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    Madamebellestoy Long term member

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    #59 Madamebellestoy, Oct 8, 2017
    Q. How many bar tenders died it take to change a light bulb?


    A. I don't know it's not my fucking side work.
     
  10. manintyres
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    manintyres Junior Member

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    #60 manintyres, Oct 8, 2017
    Ahh I was reminiscing about my childhood memories and the things we used to do .
    Like rolling down hills inside tyres ......... They were Goodyears :)
     
  11. Madamebellestoy
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    #61 Madamebellestoy, Oct 8, 2017

    ......And that's how he got his name.
     
  12. Madamebellestoy
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    Madamebellestoy Long term member

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    #62 Madamebellestoy, Oct 8, 2017
    Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, for instance when you push them down the stairs.
     
  13. Madamebellestoy
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    Madamebellestoy Long term member

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    #63 Madamebellestoy, Oct 8, 2017
    Wow, honey, I never thought our son would go that far!
    -
    Yeah, the catapult is really amazing. Go get our daughter!
     
  14. Madamebellestoy
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    Madamebellestoy Long term member

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    #64 Madamebellestoy, Oct 8, 2017
    I finally got one of those roof boxes for my car. It is very practical. I can barely hear the kids now.
     
  15. Madamebellestoy
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    Madamebellestoy Long term member

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    #65 Madamebellestoy, Oct 8, 2017
    After work, I volunteer to help blind children.



    BTW- verb, not adjective
     
  16. Madamebellestoy
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    Madamebellestoy Long term member

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    #66 Madamebellestoy, Oct 8, 2017
    When i was over seas fighting for my country i started getting really depressed with all the violence and death. So I called the Iraq suicide hotline.


    They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
     
  17. Madamebellestoy
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    Madamebellestoy Long term member

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    #67 Madamebellestoy, Oct 8, 2017
    what do you get when you cross a pitbull and a fluffy white bunny?


    Just a pitbull.
     
  18. LittleAndLockedJames
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    LittleAndLockedJames Member

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    #68 LittleAndLockedJames, Oct 8, 2017
    An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman, a horse and a chicken walk into a bar.

    The barman says "is this some kind of joke"?
     
  19. Madamebellestoy
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    Madamebellestoy Long term member

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    #69 Madamebellestoy, Oct 8, 2017
    Masocist: hurt me!

    Sadist: nope!
     
  20. Madamebellestoy
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    Madamebellestoy Long term member

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    #70 Madamebellestoy, Oct 8, 2017
    My grandfather has the heart of a lion, and a lifetime ban from the Portland zoo.
     
  21. Madamebellestoy
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    Madamebellestoy Long term member

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    #71 Madamebellestoy, Oct 8, 2017
    My girlfriend admitted to me she was once a Christian, so I immediately broke up with her.

    It may come across as judgmental, but really, I’ve only ever known and loved her as Christine.
     
  22. Madamebellestoy
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    #72 Madamebellestoy, Oct 8, 2017
    If you see me smiling you know I'm thinking of doing something diabolical.

    If I'm laughing I've already Done it.
     
  23. LittleAndLockedJames
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    #73 LittleAndLockedJames, Oct 8, 2017
    Me "What happens if a condom tears"?
    Dad "Look in the mirror"
     
  24. LittleAndLockedJames
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    #74 LittleAndLockedJames, Oct 8, 2017
    My wife said "You're naked and covered in oil and glitter. WHY"?

    "You said I never glisten" I replied

    "LISTEN!!! I said you never LISTEN"
     
  25. LittleAndLockedJames
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    LittleAndLockedJames Member

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    #75 LittleAndLockedJames, Oct 9, 2017
    My local booze has announced a £500 prize for the best Halloween costume at this year's party.

    My wife won last year.

    She wasn't happy. She'd only come to pick me up.
     
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