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I accidentally swallowed some scrabble letters.....

Discussion in 'The Bar' started by manintyres, Jul 27, 2017.

  1. Little Johny went to his dad " dad dad can I have 5 dollars?"

    "What for son?"
    "A guinea pig."
    "Ah son...here's 10, get yourself a nice Irish girl."
     
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  2. SubVerity
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    SubVerity The Mansion's own Fairy Godmother!
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    Ok - Yorkshire-men are famous for being tight with their money, more-so than the Scots even.

    My dad, for instance, he's the archetypal Yorkshire-man, flat cap, ferret's, the lot.
    Anyway - he's so tight that he refuses to wear elasticated underpants - because they give.
     
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    He was out at a club one time and this lass say's to him "Do you want to sleep with me for 20 quid?"




    He said "Well I'm not tired, but I could do with the money"
     
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    Another pure Yorkshire geezer - he's got this dog, right?
    Anyway - he took his dog to the vet and the vet asks what he can do for him.
    "The dog's swallowed a condom" the Yorkshireman says.
    "Oh! Right, that's an emergency, I'll get right on it" say's the vet "You go home and I'll call you when it's done"

    Anyway - about 15 minutes later the vets phone rings and it's the Yorkshire-man again...
    "Listen" he says "forget about that condom - the wife's found another behind the bedside cabinet"
     
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  5. Man was fishing and had a monster on. He started cursing "look at that son of a bitch! Just look at that son of a bitch!"

    A priest was nearby and kindly told him to watch his language.

    The fisherman stuttered out the first thing that came to his head "father...I wasn't cursing, it's the name of the fish."

    The priest apologized was about to leave. Feeling so bad for lying to the priest he gave the giant pike to the priest.

    Too big to eat alone he invited his boss the arch bishop over for some son of a bitch. The arch bishop was livid but was told that is the proper name and apologized. He asked the priest if his nephew could join they were celebrating him just getting his collar.

    That night the fish was cooked, dinner eaten, and were just relaxing after a large meal.

    The priest said "that was some good son of a bitch!"

    The arch bishop leaned back picking his teeth said "that was the best son of a bitch I ever ate!"

    His nephew looked around at them both and said "I don't know about you guys...but I'm gonna like working with you fuckers!"
     
  6. Did you know that having sex while drunk is banned in Iceland ? .........
    I don't know about Farmfoods though ,will have to check their rules :)
     
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  7. Oh dear! It sounds like it could be quite a painful Vowel movement! Please letters know you're all write next time you log in!

    (I'm honestly giggling away to myself reading all your corny jokes! Thanks for making my weekend end so well)
     
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  8. Ok, this one is utterly corny and juvenile, but it delights me none-the-less:

    Q: What did the snail say when it got up onto the turtle's back?

    A: Wheeee!!!
     
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  9. Now I'm a believer
     
  10. I've been accused of plagerism ....... Their words not mine :)
     
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  11. Husband calls his wife from hospital . " honey I cut my finger off at work " wife asks " Your whole finger " ? Husband says " NO the one next to it "
     
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  12. That is a good one, I might steal that one for the next time I visit Minnesota...think I can turn that into a Ole and Lena joke
     
  13. I would be honored . some people don't always get it
     
  14. Ole and Lena went to the state fair and were walking through the livestock winners.

    The walked by a stall with a bull in it and had a sign outside the door that he took 3rd place and had sired 100 times this year. Lena jabbed Ole and said "Ya see dat der? 100 times, you could learn a thing or two from dat one dere"

    Ole smirked and responded "ya ya ya, shure"

    The next stall was bull that one second place. Lena said "oooo look dere at dat one Ole! He sired 200 times! You could shure learn from dat dere bull don'tcha know"

    Ole smirked again and repeated "ya, ya, ya shure"

    The next stall was first place and Lena couldn't wait to lay into Ole about this one "300 times! Wow you could really" but Ole cut her off "now just hold on dere just one darn minute...was it with the same cow?"
     
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  15. Man walks into a butcher's shop, says to the butcher, "I bet you £10 you can't get me those sirloins off the top shelf." Butcher says "I can't, steaks are too high!" Badoom ching, here all week, try the fish etc.
     
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  16. one more . Did you hear about the baby boy that was born without eye lids ? they tried something new . after the circumcision , they used the foreskin to make his eye lids . He's doing really great . Except he's a little COCK EYED
     
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  17. Did you hear about the plastic surgeon that hung himself?
     
  18. My girlfriend has just left me .she blamed it on my obsession with cricket. Can't believe she's gone ...it's really knocked me for six :)
     
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  19. Poop jokes aren't my favourite jokes ........ But they are a solid number 2 :)
     
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  20. Plus they swell up when he rubs his eyes…
     
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  21. SubVerity
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    Here's one just for @manintyres@manintyres .

    What's an Essex girls favourite wine?



    "When you gunna take me to Furruck?" :)
     
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  22. I guy went to the library and asked if they had the books on Pavlovs dog or schrodingers cat...


    She said that the names rang a bell but she didn't know if she had them or not
     
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  23. My friends can't believe how I cab get away with smuggling my own chocolates into the cinema........ I have a few twix up my sleeve :)
     
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  24. I've heard a rumour that they are going to start making chocolate in the far east .not sure if it true or just ...Chinese whispers :)
     
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