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I accidentally swallowed some scrabble letters.....

Discussion in 'The Bar - Off topic discussions' started by manintyres, Jul 27, 2017.

  1. Nicoftime
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    Nicoftime The suspense is terrible...I hope it lasts

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    Little Johny went to his dad " dad dad can I have 5 dollars?"

    "What for son?"
    "A guinea pig."
    "Ah son...here's 10, get yourself a nice Irish girl."
     
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  2. SubVerity
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    SubVerity Still the mansion's fairy godmother. ;)

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    Ok - Yorkshire-men are famous for being tight with their money, more-so than the Scots even.

    My dad, for instance, he's the archetypal Yorkshire-man, flat cap, ferret's, the lot.
    Anyway - he's so tight that he refuses to wear elasticated underpants - because they give.
     
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  3. SubVerity
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    SubVerity Still the mansion's fairy godmother. ;)

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    He was out at a club one time and this lass say's to him "Do you want to sleep with me for 20 quid?"




    He said "Well I'm not tired, but I could do with the money"
     
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  4. SubVerity
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    SubVerity Still the mansion's fairy godmother. ;)

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    Another pure Yorkshire geezer - he's got this dog, right?
    Anyway - he took his dog to the vet and the vet asks what he can do for him.
    "The dog's swallowed a condom" the Yorkshireman says.
    "Oh! Right, that's an emergency, I'll get right on it" say's the vet "You go home and I'll call you when it's done"

    Anyway - about 15 minutes later the vets phone rings and it's the Yorkshire-man again...
    "Listen" he says "forget about that condom - the wife's found another behind the bedside cabinet"
     
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  5. Nicoftime
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    Nicoftime The suspense is terrible...I hope it lasts

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    Man was fishing and had a monster on. He started cursing "look at that son of a bitch! Just look at that son of a bitch!"

    A priest was nearby and kindly told him to watch his language.

    The fisherman stuttered out the first thing that came to his head "father...I wasn't cursing, it's the name of the fish."

    The priest apologized was about to leave. Feeling so bad for lying to the priest he gave the giant pike to the priest.

    Too big to eat alone he invited his boss the arch bishop over for some son of a bitch. The arch bishop was livid but was told that is the proper name and apologized. He asked the priest if his nephew could join they were celebrating him just getting his collar.

    That night the fish was cooked, dinner eaten, and were just relaxing after a large meal.

    The priest said "that was some good son of a bitch!"

    The arch bishop leaned back picking his teeth said "that was the best son of a bitch I ever ate!"

    His nephew looked around at them both and said "I don't know about you guys...but I'm gonna like working with you fuckers!"
     
  6. manintyres
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    manintyres Junior Member

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    Did you know that having sex while drunk is banned in Iceland ? .........
    I don't know about Farmfoods though ,will have to check their rules :)
     
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  7. sissysnax
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    sissysnax Active Member

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    Oh dear! It sounds like it could be quite a painful Vowel movement! Please letters know you're all write next time you log in!

    (I'm honestly giggling away to myself reading all your corny jokes! Thanks for making my weekend end so well)
     
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  8. imasissytoo
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    imasissytoo Active Member

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    Now I'm a believer
     
  9. manintyres
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    manintyres Junior Member

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    I've been accused of plagerism ....... Their words not mine :)
     
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  10. MissJulies pet
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    Husband calls his wife from hospital . " honey I cut my finger off at work " wife asks " Your whole finger " ? Husband says " NO the one next to it "
     
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  11. Nicoftime
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    Nicoftime The suspense is terrible...I hope it lasts

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    That is a good one, I might steal that one for the next time I visit Minnesota...think I can turn that into a Ole and Lena joke
     
  12. MissJulies pet
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    I would be honored . some people don't always get it
     
  13. Nicoftime
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    Nicoftime The suspense is terrible...I hope it lasts

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    Ole and Lena went to the state fair and were walking through the livestock winners.

    The walked by a stall with a bull in it and had a sign outside the door that he took 3rd place and had sired 100 times this year. Lena jabbed Ole and said "Ya see dat der? 100 times, you could learn a thing or two from dat one dere"

    Ole smirked and responded "ya ya ya, shure"

    The next stall was bull that one second place. Lena said "oooo look dere at dat one Ole! He sired 200 times! You could shure learn from dat dere bull don'tcha know"

    Ole smirked again and repeated "ya, ya, ya shure"

    The next stall was first place and Lena couldn't wait to lay into Ole about this one "300 times! Wow you could really" but Ole cut her off "now just hold on dere just one darn minute...was it with the same cow?"
     
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  14. paulie slave
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    paulie slave Member

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    Man walks into a butcher's shop, says to the butcher, "I bet you £10 you can't get me those sirloins off the top shelf." Butcher says "I can't, steaks are too high!" Badoom ching, here all week, try the fish etc.
     
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  15. MissJulies pet
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    one more . Did you hear about the baby boy that was born without eye lids ? they tried something new . after the circumcision , they used the foreskin to make his eye lids . He's doing really great . Except he's a little COCK EYED
     
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  16. Needtobechaste
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    Needtobechaste Submissive male who needs to be chaste.

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    Did you hear about the plastic surgeon that hung himself?
     
  17. manintyres
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    manintyres Junior Member

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    My girlfriend has just left me .she blamed it on my obsession with cricket. Can't believe she's gone ...it's really knocked me for six :)
     
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  18. manintyres
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    manintyres Junior Member

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    Poop jokes aren't my favourite jokes ........ But they are a solid number 2 :)
     
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  19. SubVerity
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    SubVerity Still the mansion's fairy godmother. ;)

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    Here's one just for @manintyres .

    What's an Essex girls favourite wine?



    "When you gunna take me to Furruck?" :)
     
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  20. MadamBelle
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    MadamBelle Active Member

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    I guy went to the library and asked if they had the books on Pavlovs dog or schrodingers cat...


    She said that the names rang a bell but she didn't know if she had them or not
     
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  21. manintyres
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    manintyres Junior Member

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    My friends can't believe how I cab get away with smuggling my own chocolates into the cinema........ I have a few twix up my sleeve :)
     
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  22. manintyres
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    manintyres Junior Member

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    I've heard a rumour that they are going to start making chocolate in the far east .not sure if it true or just ...Chinese whispers :)
     
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  23. LittleAndLockedJames
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    My wife got home late last night, she told me she had been accosted by a group of seventy year old men who insisted on repairing her shoes,

    Sounds like a load of old cobblers to me.
     
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  24. Mash2214
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    Mash2214 Her Locked Little Boy

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    Would those be from the Right or the Left
     
  25. MadamBelle
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    MadamBelle Active Member

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    Guess who I saw yesterday!?

    Everybody I looked at.