Husband just too needy

I have been working out 6x a week since we started this and I haven’t been able to do that regularly since I was in the Army 28 years ago. Lost 12 pounds already and feeling lighter and stronger. Glad you found my post helpful!

 

Thank you for the kind words. Happy to hear you’ve talked things over. I wish you both well.

 

The bright side of your predicament, is that he was the one that instigated this so it’s his kink to lose.

You are in a position to play your way or not at all. Admonish him of what isn’t working for you and tell him of the things you want.

When we first started I had thought it was going to go in a certain direction, she had other thoughts. She felt this was all or nothing and basically gave me her ultimatum...even if it wasn’t worded like one.

 

A good sub, doing his job, doesn’t need rules.

He, should be proactive. He, should anticipate. He, wanted this.

If he needs rules, you are just feeding his fetish fantasy.

If you have to expend energy directing and managing him, it is not worth your time.

Bottom line, it needs to work for you. That, is all that matters. Minimal effort on your part. Anything less is his failure.

You, are an awesome woman. You are exploring and have joined this forum to learn more. That makes you rare and quite special. Accept nothing less than you deserve.

 

While I agree with everything @Xileh said above, my experience says it's hard to accept this. I find myself doubting whether I should be expecting proactivity from my husband. Sometimes he is and other times he's not and I have to keep myself from telling him I want this and that - mainly because I still am not sure I am entitled to it. And at times moving goalposts is confusing and irritating. Who is this for? People say it's for the woman but practice doesn't always match the talk. Sometimes the reason is 'I enjoy being locked up'; other times it's 'because you said you wanted it'.

In short, at times it looks like chastity and D/s relationship are mutually exclusive. If a man wants to be in chastity it's (mostly or solely) for his enjoyment. And I can't say I like this conclusion at all. I know there is no rule book but sometimes it looks like the rules are constantly re-written in the man's favour. So, what's in it for the woman, really?

 

Some men are "submission fetishists." That means they find the idea of submission hot, but not the actuality.

Other men can be submissive, but only in response to dominant energy from their partner.

The first type often makes a big show of how submissive they are, but when push comes to shove, they want what they want. They are more compatible with a service top rather than a dominant. The second type often seem resistant, but just need a firm hand and a dominant that will steer a steady course.

In the end, it's better to think about this in terms of compatibility.

 

It seems almost like just another chore for you. My turn the table if he talks back, asks for release, seems annoyed or annoying simply say in a firm manner you don't tolerate his behavior and add time like a week etc.

 

Your husband is behaving like a spoilt child and I think he does not realize his words are causing you so much trouble,
I think you should keep a bamboo cane beside you bed for when talks to much.

 

I suggest that you talk to him in a completely non-play environment. Explain what, exactly, he's doing that isn't fun for you with as little emotion as possible while still making it clear you're really bothered (sounds like he's topping from the bottom, being a 'do-me sub,' and expecting you to behave like a fictional dominatrix whenever _he's_ in the mood) and then explain how he can help you. Regardless of your position- top, bottom, or vanilla, he should want to help you have a fulfilling relationship. That's what the 'L' word is all about.

 

So many of us go through this stage its almost liking growing up into Chastity. Men usually introduce it and have a good visualization in the mind of what they THINK it should be instead of what is going to WORK for both parties.

Even now Mistress would tell you she perceives this from me even if sometimes it isn't true but sometimes it is, but I am becoming increasingly adept at diverting these feeling in a proper way, it is maybe an echo of what I was years ago. One mantra is that good things will come to those that wait PATIENTLY, I have learnt to trust that Mistress in her good time will see fit to give me the pleasure of her pleasure.

I find sometimes it comes from an expectation. Sometimes mistress will allude to something and it gets locked into my promise engine and if I have been well behaved I can tend to think I deserve something. Its taken a long time to curb this. And we have several long breaks from this most probably BECAUSE of these sorts of issues. It becomes "unfun" and as people say a burden rather than something that drives a relationship in a positive way.

Recently Mistress has become a bit too fond of her paddle, and just recently a switch, and she is not afraid to use it. Puzzling even though I really dont like it when she administers it and I cant wait for it to be over, it actually leaves me feeling relief which I welcome when I am feeling wound up and in need of play. Maybe just a thought you should introduce some discipline, he probably would like it, but go slow...he is not meant to actually enjoy it..but it can serve a purpose to divert things in the the direction you seek.

If I give mistress a look, and she indicates the paddle trust me the look is done, vamooshca
It does seem to me you need to lay down the rules and tell him if he cant accept them then the toys and games are going in the bin period.

It seems to work for mistress and I so far anyway. I definitely think we are better for introducing some corporate discipline into our lives.

 

Have you decided what kind of experience you want?

He broached the subject. What to do with it is open to your desires. Even if you decide to pursue a FLR, the degree you choose to pursue it is open to your interpretation and relationship resiliency. Like any relationship, a FLR is not static. It changes.

You most certainly are entitled to whatever benefit is available. Are you ready to accept it? It may take time. You are not unique in your consideration.

My limited experience (two years) shows that d/s and chastity can be complimentary. But, you as the leader, need to make the jump from “He wanted it”, to “I want you locked up.” And, “He likes it”, to “I like it.” Until you can make the transition, he, is driving the relationship.

Making that transition, seems to be difficult for many women. And, it is a big change. It is so different from how we were raised and how society thinks relationships should work.

Once you make the transition, things work more smoothly. The ambiguity is gone. Now he is facing a transition and you have a new, and perhaps entertaining challenge.

My previous post should have referred to my own submission rather than a general statement. After posting it, I would like to have changed it. That is how I view my own service, not how everyone should. I apologize. To the degree I serve, it is a hell of a lot of work. I am not a slave, but I have very high standards that she has grown to expect.

So, you are entitled to whatever benefit you can find and enjoy. You sound like you are in the difficult period where he is still trying to tell you how to drive. Put him in the back seat and tell him to be quiet or you are stopping the car.

And, don’t forget to ask questions in the women’s only forum. They have special and relevant experience for you to draw upon.

Good luck. You are asking good questions. It shows you are thoughtful which is not the same as being indecisive.

 

Try a fixed schedule to eliminate all confusion while setting expectations. Sounds like he needs structure.

 

This is above is good!!.

I am guilty too of behaving like this, i am lucky that @PrincessKH sat me down and told me that i was acting out, and that it wasnt acceptable to her because it took away the dynamic and the purpose of what i had introduced her to.

Try speaking with him and extending the time, a day at a time and try to gauge his reaction to that. If he keeps pushing then give him some attention, (i would suggest nothing physically sexual, but comment on his predicament/tell him something that turns you on and leave it at that/compliment how good he looks in his cage...etc). Do this until you are ready to let him out but be severe in the timescale, if you think a week is long, add a couple of days because he will be counting down the clock until he is able to have a release (full orgasm) and for him, when it happens, it will be great, but he will always look past it afterwards for the next one. I would add that you would do well to make it really unexpected and random if you can, maybe tell him you have booked a meal out with friends or something so his diary is free, and instead you have booked in your diary a scenario that you have thought of that turns you on, and in that 'scene' he only gets what you allow, depending on how well behaved he has been, then lock him after, and have a conversation and ask him how he felt. Then TELL him how you felt, good or bad (highlight the good bits to keep his mind interested, in between the not so good bits if there are any), and ask him what he would like to add to the scene or change. At this point you have the control, tell him next time you might incorporate some of the things he said (dont tell him which!!!!!!).

Next step choose something he talked about, but do it outside of the scene you have both created if you can. Then add time, but dont tell him, and leave him in there, unless there is a valid reason to get out, take all keys and hide them. Dont set time limits, just tell him he chose this and thats it, you like the idea, nothing will change, apart from him having to live with his kink, and he isnt getting anything unless you feel he has deserved it.

Good Luck

 

spank him already. keep a running tally of reasons to spank him then do it at least weekly.

 

Like everyone else here. I have gone through this and come out the other side. At first it was my fantasy and I did a VERY lot of topping from the bottom. But in November I was locked until Xmas... 5 week. Was 19 days longest before that. I'm locked again now and KNOW that I'm not to touch, mention or do anything sexual at all. I do not know when I will be free again. My wife/kh has only recently started to whip me--- this is her fantasy not mine. But I'm trying to get her to run with it because I know it's something she likes... even tho I don't. But since all this, ALL I want to do is make her happy. Being chaste is very boring to be honest here. With nothing at all happening for weeks at a time. But I know I'm here at her beck and call whenever she does need me. SHE IS MY QUEEN. My fantasies went out the window lol. It's all about HER now.

 

I once attended one of Midori's "Art of Feminine Dominance" workshops where she role-played coming home from a long day, realizing that she just really didn't have the energy for it, and was working on sucking it up because of feeling the obligation. I understood the feeling, but watching her act it out silently was hilarious.

She picked a volunteer out from the audience. Once she mimicked putting on a convincing "domme face", she walked over to the woman and whispered in her ear. The woman blushed, giggles, and stammered "O-okay!"

What did Midori whisper? "Run me a bubble bath, tend to me, and give me a massage. We'll see how things go from there."

She found a sexy way to:

• stall
• fulfill her partner's desire to serve / play
• not be entirely "on"
• recharge

The hope / intention was that by the time the bath and massage were over, the dominant would be refreshed enough to think of something delightfully wicked to do that didn't involve resenting her lack of rest.

(I love that she adjusts the workshop a bit for every time I go.)

Midori wrote in her book of essays entitled Wild Side Sex about her first chastity experience ... which was a notable failure, and why. The man in chastity was indeed needy, whiny, and resentful; and Midori was baffled and annoyed. It took her a while to figure out what was going on and how to adjust. I don't know if it'd help, but it could be worth a read.

One of the big things here is what do you want? It's hard to be enthusiastic and fully present for a kink dynamic that I'm not getting anything out of, and I've heard many people echo this sentiment.

In movies with scenes you find romantic (anywhere from romanic comedies to slasher films, depending on your viewing habits) what behaviors or scenes have left you sighing and thinking, "I wish"? When you've pictured your perfect relationship, how are you treated? Seriously: what is your fantasy land like?

Are you getting any of that with this kink relationship? If so, can you get more that suits your situation now?

If not, why not? Why is your husband the only one pulling for fantasy land?

There's a book I read called "Uniquely Rika" that strongly supports the idea that not everyone who takes on the role of dominant is naturally so, that it's a process, that there likely was a vanilla relationship upon which the kink is being overlaid, and that coming together to make the dynamic a win for all involved takes some effort and some different perspectives.

But one of her biggest stances is that the dominant woman is in charge of the relationship: including what she wants and what she doesn't want, period amen. I found it very accessible, and you might find it useful, too.

However you decide to proceed, I wish you good luck!

 

Your post in its entirety, may be one of the best thought out and written I have read to date. We are working through “Uniquely Rika” right now. We have read it independently, making notes, and are now reading it together. She is also delightful to chat with.

Thank you.

 

Holy walls of text, Batman!

 

What of all of this do *you* want? You are truly a saint to participate and work despite the struggles.
We hear of what he desires and many of us are held by these desires and can see our own failings in your story. Selfishness is a terrible thing when it goes unchecked...

...but...

What is it you would desire from all of this? If he would or was being more patient, what can you see as a joyous place to be with all of this? What would be the best outcome if things were more equal?

I wish I could offer a way to do this, but, you both need a frank sit down discussion. He has raced well ahead of you in his fantasies and you don't seem to mind to create some fun for him... but how to help him slow down and walk the path WITH you? I bet he needs to stop reading fantasy alone and assuming you will magically conform to his mind's images.

I hope he would listen and be willing to seriously try to face his aggressive appetite and enjoy the 'meal' more slowly. What fuels his rapacious nature? Too much porn? He doesn't seem to be able to see how he is behaving.

I very much hope for your success and for an improved relationship.

Your sharing has reminded me to beware of this in myself. I have certainly had times where I raced well ahead of my partner. It never leads to a good place.

Best wishes

 

Don't read any of the following. It's complete rubbish, and I have no idea what I'm doing.... Seriously do not read beyond this point...

Ok, so if you made it to this line then you are either crazy or a genius... Let's find out which.

Everyone has given good advice, however I offer up a different perspective... You said it yourself

Chastity isn't real life, it's a game you and your husband play for fun. When it stops being fun, the two of you either aren't doing it right, aren't committed to playing, or are not playing the same game. Things are complicated by the fact that you have kids.

So it comes down to this - What do you want?

Do you want to control his masturbation? Do you want to stop his masturbation? Do you want to control his orgasms? Do you want to be dominant? Do you want to reap the benefit of his chastity? Do you want to do this full time? Do you want to do this part time? Do you want to MAKE chastity work? Do you want chastity to work naturally? Are you indifferent to it working? Do you want to punish him when he's bad? Do you want to give him what he wants? Do you like chastity play? If so would you like it to be less work? If not why are you still playing? Are you getting enough out of your play with your husband?

First I would take some time to write down on a piece of paper what you like about chastity. Ask you husband to do the same.

For this game to be he must want what you want. When he doesn't he needs a punishment... But not one that he wants... That is not a punishment... There are several instances of punishments that are not work for you that are meant to change the way that a person thinks.

Write down some rules. I know. This is work, but if you both agree, then you will know how to play the game... Make sure that you have contingencies for when you don't feel like playing.

CONSIDER THIS.... You need to know the difference between a punishment and a reward. If he want's it: then it's a reward. If he isn't making you happy go old school. You don't have to whip or spank him - he wants this, it should be a reward... Plus, spanking is work... You don't need more work, right? Don't be afraid to humiliate him. If you aren't laughing while he's getting punished it then you aren't doing it right. Here are some ideas.

1. No shoes. Toes touching the baseboard. Nose on the wall. Hands to his side. No talking. 5 min... 10 min?
2. Writing lines. "I love you and I only want your happiness. I won't do it again." 100 times, 200 times?
3. Excercise. 100 pushups. 100 sit ups. 100 jumping jacks. Even better naked....
4. Cleaning. Toilet with a toothbrush. Wash the floors with a hand towel and soapy water on his hands an knees.

Remember who has the power. He is so busy topping from the bottom that he has you LETTING HIM OUT AFTER TWO WEEKS. When he has been in long enough (30 days?), you should give him a choice between an "O" with a price and no "O".

Tell him he can go down on you. He will think it's time for sex... Afterward, thank him and go to the bathroom. Think of it... Sex with no mess. How many times can you have him make the choice to get you off without returning the favor?

You have to be brave. You have to be strong. You can do it. Tell him no. He wants you to make this work. If you do he will thank you for it. If he doesn't, then one of the punishments I listed above. Then he will thank you for it.

Or not, it's all up to you.

At the end of the day the only thing that's important is your relationship, and your family and your happiness. All of this is just a layer to your relationship. It's something to do. Your real relationship is still there and none of this is really required. It can be fun and exciting, different and the spice a relationship needs. That's all it is though.

If you made it to here then you know why you shouldn't have read any of the above... I hope this helped.

 

There’s a lot of advice above I won’t repeat.
Here’s my additions:

Don’t play a character. Be you.
Don’t feel you have to perform.
Don’t read lines from someone else’s script.
You can be firm about your own boundaries and needs without being porn-y strict.

My wife took a (humane) puppy training approach with me. It worked. Whining, jumping up, always tugging and not letting her lead were not tolerated. There were no punishments.

The one aspect you wrote about threatening with giving him back the keys hits some good notes there. It shows he’s aware.

Ms Rika’s book is really good. I stumbled into much of her advice before I read it but she gave it a language that was helpful.

Good luck to you both. It sounds like it’s going well.

 

THAT.

It can take some men a long time to realise that the reason their wife doesn't become the dominant of their dreams, is that it is very hard to change to being more dominant if the other person doesn't also change.

If you want to be dominated, you have to change yourself to become much more submissive. When you "get that" it starts to fall into place and both enjoy it more.

 

Dear Goddess Li,
I would like to start off with... I AM locked in chastity 24/7/??? the (???) is solely Madame’s decision. I have been into chastity since 2001. I can attest that I too went through similar thoughts and actions like your husband. I was TOTALLY WRONG as is HE! You are doing nothing wrong Goddess Li, nothing! The entire preface of Chastity is the relinquishing of ALL power over “the chaste person” no matter what the Goddess (in your case) wants, thinks, desires and DOES NOT WANT!
I am by nature a long winded person, so I will do my best to summarize things.
My wife and I practiced chastity many many years ago. Surprisingly my wife really appreciated the benefits she immediately felt and saw from my locked state. I did NOT appreciate it as she did. I took the same attitude your husband is taking. I “topped from the bottom” as they say. I did not like that she received massages every single night, that she had me massage her legs every night as she fell asleep. That she demanded I be milked (by my own hand) while kneeling in “her Master Bedroom” as she prepared herself for bed. Everything was centered around HER pleasure and happiness. She didn’t tease me as I longed for, she didn’t ruin me as I wished so badly to be, she didn’t do this and that and everything else “I” wanted. She DID keep me locked, she did make me pleasure her orally many many times a week. She did tie me up making me absolutely immobile as she rode my face to orgasm whenever SHE WANTED. I grew discontent. I grew dissatisfied with the whole thing. “I” was a deceitful chaste slave to her, as I held a key behind her back. I took the cage off without her knowledge and without her permission. When she found out... OH BOY did I feel HORRIBLE! She calmly told me how I ruined EVERYTHING for “Her”! She explained how my actions were wrong!
My point to all of this is... this is all on him! As it was on me!! We (the caged ones) are NOT supposed to be thought of during 90% of chastity. The whole point of chastity is the transfer of power and the service and worship the Madame, Goddess, Holder receives. I destroyed my entire dream! What I truly wanted she WAS giving me! During which time I became selfish and thoughtless for her. Meanwhile she was doing EXACTLY what I dreamed of! I WAS being DENIED!
My suggestion based on my experience is to be clear and blunt with him. Do NOT give him options. It’s “white OR black”... he cannot have both and he cannot make it “Gray” either. IF he chooses a life of chastity and IF you will ALLOW him this GIFT it HAS TO BE YOUR WAY and your way alone! He has NO SAY PERIOD! It’s a simple fix Goddess Li. He either agrees to ALL rules, requirements and regulations YOU put into play OR you do NOT allow him this life anymore.
You should NOT be stressed over something that is supposed to make your life better, easier, more enjoyable, more focused on. Yes, it will take some of your time, but that’s it! If you are stressed over it. Simply hand him the keys and say you’re done with it! Let him stew in that for awhile. I bet he’ll come crawling back.
Just one chaste males thoughts. I sincerely hope they help you a bit!

 

Wow! What a well written post, and a direction for many of us. How do you communicate your needs (or fantasies) to Her?