Husband just too needy

Discussion in 'Chastity in vanilla life' started by Goddess li, Jan 8, 2020.

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  1. Goddess li
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    Hi there, hope you can advise me. My husband and I have been together and 'playing' for many years but only recently have been trying out chastity. It seems to go the same way everytime : he's very good and does as I say for the first few days. After a few days i notice these looks he gives me like a sad puppy. He still does as i say but it's obviously because it's not 'sexy' enough for him. I.e I'm supposed to be punishing him in interesting ways all the time, he makes comments like 'you probably won't do anything about it anyway'. He doesn't realise this has a detrimental effect because as soon as he does that I feel like he doesn't deserve any of my time for making me feel guilty. I do dish out punishments etc and we always have a play session every Sunday without fail anyway I'm not sure what hes expecting all the time? This is all for him, not me. I see that I gain a lot like he does housework etc but I dont think I gain anything emotionally, in fact I'm generally sadder when hes in it than when hes not because it's so confusing for me. We have 3 children so it's hard for me to be 'in character" all the time, sometimes I just want to sit and chill after a hard day without the added job of 'got to be in character again'. Hes had the last few days off and I was planning a bit of a day of it today (just to keep him happy, not for me which is really missing the point) . I just told him to drop the kids off at school, he made a comment about how he'd get more done if he was at home and maybe I should take them. I told him fine but it kind of wasnt what I had in mind (I was going to put something sexy on, get the box ready etc) but i didn't want to tell him that. I wanted to surprise him. Anyway, hes taken them but only because I had to tell him what I was planning. And now I dont really feel like it at all because I'm upset. It's just so confusing for me. He admits that he is supposed to do as I wish no questions but this is how it always ends after no more than 2 weeks. He gets annoyed that I'm not sexy enough and I'm not constantly thinking of sexy things to do to him all the time, punishments etc. I get pissed off that I have to do that all the time when I'd really just like to chill some nights. We decide (he decides) its probably for the best if it comes off for now for a break, 2 weeks go by and we repeat the whole cycle again. Just wondered how everyone else copes? I'm so emotionally drained and stressed all the time, I'm starting to just go off him a bit now. We've been together for nearly 20 years, together since we were 15. I keep thinking maybe I dont want to be going through this for the rest of my life, does anyone ever feel like that? Is it really worth it for other doms out there?
     
  2. Skyhigh
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    Skyhigh Active member

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    I have to ask: why chastity?
    Your husband has and attitude problem big time. I was there once. Begging, complaining, sending eyes, got mad.
    I'm in chastity because of a masturbation addiction, and my wife decided to whip me if I didn't behave nicely. Not a nice warm spanking, but a brutal whipping. So I learnt my lesson after several beatings
    If I ask for the key and she thinks it's not nessecary, I get whipped. Sending eyes, whipped, complaining, whipped. And so on. I have even been to the doctor, fully chastised. We do, however, agree that if I need to get out because of medical issues, she will go to the doctor with we.
    But then again, thats out way og doing things. I Hope you find a way in your frustration :)
     
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  3. Goddess li
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  4. Goddess li
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    It was his idea to try it. He does have a masturbation problem which it helps control but the main reason for me is that I get something out of it. We did all the stuff before anyway but I wasn't getting anything out of it and it felt like one more job on the list to do. With the chastity device I am gaining a more considerate husband, he does more around the house, he cares about me more. It works most of the time, we just have these moments where I feel I've always got to be 'in character' and sometimes I don't actually want to be. You're right, I should be dishing out harsh punishments for this behaviour more and that's clearly what he wants. I just find the whole thing quite confusing sometimes. I think maybe I read too much into everything and overthink things. I am thankful for him and want to keep him happy, it's just hard for me to understand sometimes I guess.
     
  5. Skyhigh
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    Skyhigh Active member

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    #5 Skyhigh, Jan 8, 2020
    Last edited: Jan 8, 2020
    You are truely a goddess and should be treated as such. You can't say what Works for me Works for him as well. But, and it sounds odd I know, today I'm grateful to the bottom of my heart for All the canings administered to get me where I am today.
    Maybe you could sit down and talk about it before you are in serious trouble?
    I have learnt that absolute honesty is the only answer to frustration and guessing. Maybe some rules. For example he wanted to try chastity. Well, now he is chastised when you don't need him. Make that clear, hide away the keys, keep them at work, and make it clear once and for All that you will whip him if he complains. If you want sex, unlock him, take what you need and lock him up again. After a few months he gets the picture. Or don't unlock him, make him serve you otherwhise as I do for my wife.
    In the beginning of my chastity training I found out to behave nicely and then I forgot the rules. My wonderful wife then made and extra rule. I had a spanking every weekend just to remember. It was not so harsh, which means I didn't cry, but was certainly something I could feel. Then there was a long period where I sometimes made a mistake. All she had to do was to give me and eye or just say: ahemmm. And I stood corrected.
    And here we are. I'm chastised, and proud of my lucky wife. I rarely get spanked, sleep like a baby securely locked in my belt, which never comes of. I never orgasm since it ruins my behavior. My wife just says whsy she wants, and I serve her as she whishes.
    Hope it Works out for you :) remember: you deserves it and he will feel lucky given time.
     
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  6. rwpLocked
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    rwpLocked Long term member

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    1) Sounds like he is chasing a fantasy of you (too much porn?), and is not putting your needs first.
    2) Some subs can't resist testing their dominant, and if she can be manipulated they are ultimately unhappy.

    Perhaps he needs a two or three week chastity session where all the 'play time' is focused on you, not his mistress fantasy. No expectation that you are going to dress up and get out the toy box, just a chance for him to figure out your needs (even if those are foot rubs or an intimate conversation instead of leather and paddles).
     
  7. HappilyLockedMan
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    HappilyLockedMan Long term member

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    I think every man should participate in house work as a matter of course. He lives there; he should pitch in.
    With three kids I'm sure there's a lot to do. They're his kids as well as yours.
    It sounds like you see yourself as bending over backwards to please him. He may not see that. That's where communication comes in. You two have to talk to each other about how you're feeling. Don't be afraid to be honest about your feelings. If he needs encouragement to be honest about his give him that encouragement.

    I don't think this is about sex or chastity or fetishes. It's about interpersonal communication.

    Be strong. Be honest. Be true to yourself and compassionate with him.
    You deserve the same from him.
     
  8. Dumb1
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    what a wonderful and yet sadly not an umcommon post from someone who has been trying to please their partners desires and yet seemingly being left with the sense that it is they that are at fault, you are not at fault at all he is. We have all been through this to some degree or other and it seems your husband has a fantasy inside his head that he has toyed with for many years and however hard you try to come to terms with it he will never fully accept that it has to work for BOTH of you not just his version. if a man who has this fantasy is lucky enough to have an understanding wife or partner who is prepared to accept the concept and run with it then he should realise just how lucky and fortunate he actually is, some would run a mile or refuse point blank to entertain the idea. The big problem comes when a wife agrees and obviously listens to the husbands suggestions and ideas of how things should be done having read so many stories and other folks tales of how they are living the dream. The real world is a very different thing to the thoughts going around inside our heads my wife struggled with it for certain and no matter how hard she tried to be what i was suggesting she be nothing ever comes up to the level that had ingrained itself inside my head. He will probably never be truly content with the level of responses that YOU choose as ENOUGH and so he will either have to learn to lower his expectations or else miss out on the potential that he could gain were he to lower his expectations from you.
    My wife decided in the end to state point blank that we either locked the device on and then it stayed on until she felt i had earned it to be removed or she wanted access to the contents and if i accepted her conditions she would at her own choice of speed and level of time decide whether the game would continue or not. Her judgement was that if it was locked on and i was not being patient and respectful enough without hinting or making suggestions as to how it might be improved for my benefit or supposedly hers then she would react accordingly with either a benefit or a punishment but not in any way that would come across as part of my initial fantasy idea. If you are faced with an option of having some of your appetite quenched or none at all and going hungry then most would go for the tit bits put on offer and then hope for more at a later date.
    Tell him straight how you feel and that if this is to continue at all then he is now on trial and will remain on trial for a period of maybe three to four weeks with no promises to be made by you of just how it will turn out but this is his chance to prove to you that he is committed to making this something that is right for YOU. Good luck it is a hard balancing act to tread but the fact is this is his idea and you owe him nothing, after he has proved himself look back and see how you could have made it more enjoyable for you both if you had chosen to and then implement the changes as and when you feel you want to.
     
  9. Skyhigh
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    Skyhigh Active member

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    Very true, Wise Words. Time is not the enemy. If locked and given time, Weeks maybe a months or more will certainly give space for the both of you to feel what is right.
     
  10. Abstraction
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    Abstraction Force of nature
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    @slave stroppy - absolutely right. A lot of times we go with the 'sub's' fantasy only to find ourselves in a sub position. Talking and setting expectations and agreeing to these goes for both sides in the game.

    It's near impossible to convert a fantasy into a real-life practice because the real-life person will never meet the fantasy expectations. So it's up to the fantasy creator to change his thinking if he wants to practice chastity in real life.
     
  11. filltee
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    It has to be your way or no way
    So
    Just tell him he can quit whining or he can permanently have his keys back.
     
  12. Allen1987
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    Allen1987 All for Her

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    I agree 110% With @slave stroppy . I just want to add a little something. You bend over backwards for him and he just whines about it. To be nice to you a few weeks isn't enough. He should be that way all the time, whether he is locked or not. With children there is much to do and you can't satisfy him all the time. Do it your way or the highway. There should be no pressure on you. It is supposed to be for YOU not him. Your not a toy to be played with. Be honest and tell him how you really feel, you owe that to yourself.;-)
     
  13. Gigaman
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    I will say this and please don’t take it the wrong way. It’s very true because I’ve lived this for a long time. You are a good wife and a submissive dominant Right now. You do everything for him trying to fulfill his needs while yours go unfulfilled and even at time cause resentment. I can’t tell you how to make it work it’s different for everybody. What I can tell you is that a lot of us are addicted to this, think about it all the time, and as long as you keep fueling his desires it it will never end.
    He is, like I was very selfish and At times is only looking for his own enjoyment. I’m sure he’s a great husband and a friend and a father, but when it comes to this stuff some of us are addictive and we can’t see the nose in front of our face.

    If it continues in the long term it’s going to cause you to resent him and the lifestyle and nobody wins. I wish I could tell you what to do but after reading your post I do know that what you’re doing now is not working. He has to come to terms With the idea that you were not at 24/7 Dom. I’ve had to come to terms with it and many others before me, it’s not easy but it’s realistic. Read your post, your not happy with what’s going on yet you’re still trying to make him happy, what a great person you are. You guys need to talk there has to be something in it for you! It can’t be considered work, and you don’t want to be on the clock all the time. It’s doable but he needs to change not you. One thing that seems to work is to totally cut him off. He’ll be OK for a while but if he’s truly submissive he’ll come crawling back and begging. Me and my wife had to actually go through a few cycles of this before I started to get it through my head.

    Of course this is just my opinion and It could be totally meaningless.
     
  14. Allen1987
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    Allen1987 All for Her

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    Hey, @Gigaman . I guess BK finally melted that heart of your's. She should be proud of what you said. We are all a work in progress, we make mistakes and learn by them. Love to you both.;-)
     
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  15. MissyB
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    MissyB Long term member

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    I'm sorry to hear about your situation. It sounds like you are doing your best and he doesn't realize how lucky he is. Many subs cant' persuade their wives to play this game, even if it has rewards for her too. I can't really give you any advice, as I don't face that situation but I always fall back to more communication as a key. Be honest and tell him that even if you get rewards, he needs to follow you lead to make ti work. That you can't be the 'sexy domme' all the time because life is not like that. Good luck and best wishes.
     
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  16. Gigaman
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    Gigaman Long term member

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    Boy did it Take a long time to get it through my head and stop being selfish. I’m really lucky BK stuck with it and didn’t just trash the whole idea with all she had to put up with. It’s still hard it’s still a work in progress but we’re doing much much better
     
  17. Jessica Alexander
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    Jessica Alexander Trans woman not a mistress or Dom

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    Per our rules, I am not allowed to ask Mistress to unlock me and I’m not allowed to touch her in a sexual way without permission. I can’t orgasm without permission and must give ample warning if I’m close.I have to thank her daily for keeping me locked and denied and training me to serve her better. I am never guaranteed another orgasm EVER and will only get one if it’s for her pleasure.

    Spankings used to be exciting but now they are something I want to avoid. If I have pleased her 100% she may allow me to sleep without the cage on but I must put it back on immediately in the morning without her prompting.

    If she doesn’t feel like anything sexual she just pats my cage and tells me it’s staying locked because that’s where she wants it. She knows that 10 seconds of attention go a long way to making me happy even if she isn’t in the mood and I am very thankful for that.

    Unless you just want to end the games and make him throw away the chastity gear, I would make him agree to a 3 month program and if he calls it quits then all the chastity/fetish stuff goes in the garbage and never discussed again.

    Do some research and come up with your own rules with daily and weekly tasks for him. During the 3 months he is not allowed out of his cage unless medically necessary and he will have no orgasms. He will instal parental controls on his phone and computer so you can easily view his history and keep him off porn sites (chaste men have a bad habit of watching porn and obsessing on chastity which works them into a frenzy which makes them a pest with unrealistic expectations).

    If he misbehaves or is disrespectful or rude, a week is added to his 90 day training period. If he goes above and beyond then you can give him a treat but not an orgasm or unlock.

    You don’t need a full blown “chastity contracts but you do need written rules and expectations. There are no absolutes with all this and you have absolute freedom in how YOU want to do things. If you aren’t into cuckolding but he is, you can write in the rules that you reserve the right to do so even if you are 100% sure you would never do it. If I can help you in any way please PM me!

    Here is a copy of our agreement:
    The Agreement
    Mistress/slave contract . Begins December 22, 2019
    For the sub:
    1. Never ask for key or to be unlocked unless flying, medical reasons/ appointments (Mistress decision).
    2. Unauthorized orgasms are forbidden and subject to punishment as Mistress seems fit. This applies anywhere, locked or unlocked.
    3. Unless it presents a security/safety issue, slave must apply chastity tube as soon as possible after flying and provide verifiable proof of locking. Key will be kept locked under numbered security seal or cage locked with a numbered security seal until it’s time to return to airport.
    4. Slave is never guaranteed orgasm or penetration by Mistress. Mistress reserves right to deny orgasms as long as she desires as she understands that denial of orgasm keeps the locked in an obedient and attentive state since it can take up to a week of orgasm denial to reach a peak benefits to Mistress.
    5. If Mistress allows slave to orgasm inside her or on her, sub must immediately and thoroughly clean any mess made by oral means, without complaint.
    6. If Mistress allows any sexual stimulation, slave will not orgasm without permission or will give warning that slave is close to orgasm. It is the sole decision of the Mistress to allow or deny orgasm or cause ruined orgasm.
    7. Mistress has the right to have sexual relations with whoever and whenever she chooses but she must let sub know and let slave know the details. Mistress has sole discretion as to the use of condoms for her lovers or slave. If Mistress needs a cover story to get away from house, sub will take her on a date night and drop her off with her lover and pick her up when she is ready.
    8. If Mistress leaves key on bathroom counter or just hands the sub the key, it means to shower and prepare to take the initiative for play but the aforementioned rules about orgasm and cleaning still apply.
    9. Slave must respect, obey and please Mistress at all times.
    10. Mistress may add daily or regularly scheduled chores/tasks for slave to do. Mistress agrees to write tasks on a list if they are not a regularly scheduled task/chore.
    11. Mistress reserves the right to punish at anytime or any way she chooses as long as she doesn’t cause damage that requires medical or first aid.
    12. Slave will ask Mistress for help for things that Slave knows he needs help with so that Mistress can help make a plan and and hold Sub accountable.
    13. Mistress will show her appreciation for subs sacrifices daily with things like holding caged and showing her pleasure to have her property under lock and key.
    14. Slave may not touch Mistress in a sexual manner without permission.
    15. When Mistress graciously allows her slave some sexual attention but doesn't let Slave orgasm, Slave must thank Mistress for keeping Slave locked and denied. Slave must thank Mistress daily for keeping slave chaste and denied.

    Daily tasks when home.
    1. Be out of bed by 7am unless otherwise agreed.
    2. Make bed each morning. Sheets must be washed every Friday and bed made before Mistress gets home.
    3. Brush teeth before having any coffee
    4. Ask Mistress if she needs anything
    5. Go to gym or ride bike for a minimum of 30 minutes on Monday through Friday and either Sunday OR Saturday but every day is ideal. Slave must leave for Gym or bike ride no later than 9AM unless special permission is granted by Mistress.
    6. Take out trash as needed and take cans to curb before pickup then return cans to garage.
    7. Vacuum house twice a week and mop once a week with the exception of XXXXXX’s room and bathroom.
    8. Put Mistress' clothes away as soon as possible.
    9. Make sure Mistress comes home to a clean kitchen and dishwasher emptied or loaded.
    10. Prepare coffee pot for next morning.
    11. Prepare Mistress’ morning medication on her night stand.

    Note* We have an adult child living with us that is hopefully starting medical school this summer or fall.
     
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  18. JKisChaste
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    JKisChaste Active member

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    It’s so heartbreaking to read posts like your’s @Goddess li and I’m sorry to hear your husband has made the circumstances so difficult for you. You seem such a nice and giving person. It’s truly a shame all that you’ve done in an attempt to meet your husband’s needs have gone largely unappreciated. You have every right to feel upset and confused. I easily imagine how emotionally draining it must feel.

    Too often, when it’s the man who asks for chastity, it is to put it bluntly, a selfish pursuit of having a long-standing fantasy fulfilled. “If you will do this for me, I’ll appreciate you so much more and start helping out around the house more.” I often wonder why wives don’t reply with, “You mean add one more thing to my list of things to do, if I do something for you that you find sexually erotic then you’ll start treating me as you already should have been treating me, and you will finally starting carrying your load around the house? How wonderful for me.” And then, to complain you aren’t doing enough, or giving him every single thing he wants out of it is just so selfish and unacceptable.

    It seems to me as if more focus should be placed on the dynamics of the FLR and at least for now less on your husband’s perceived needs for sexual gratification. I’d unlock him and tell him you’re done until he proves to you he can give you the respect, service, and devotion that is rightfully yours. Maybe sit down with him, give him your rules and expectations for his behavior, and make something of a formal contract out of it. In this case, I don’t see any other punishment working. As you said, he seems obsessively needy and determined to get your constant attention even if it is negative attention.

    I won’t presume to tell you how to handle your situation, but given what you’ve shared it doesn’t seem your husband deserves getting anything more until he stops being so selfish. He is supposed to be serving you, not being served. Best wishes.
     
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  19. tecolote
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    tecolote Long term member

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    That awkward moment when you read something negative, and recognize some of it within your own behavior....
     
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  20. Freaky Rabbit
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    Freaky Rabbit Long term member

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    I was in the similar boat. I was not happy enough with what my queen was doing, I was challenging her. My fantasy was never fulfilled. It escalated so far until my wife stopped playing BDSM games with me for several years. It took a baby and relationship crisis years later to realize what our needs were. Our communication increased about 1000%.

    I wanted her to be dominant, but couldn't resist telling her what to do. I had to change my behavior, and stop resisting her. Now I welcome her lead, and I don't criticize her choices. I communicate my desires and fantasies, but not during or right before our plays. I am putting extra attention on serving her, sexually and around the house. I tell her that it turns me on when she bosses me around and is dominant. I have to celebrate that and do things without arguing or questioning. I wanted her to be dominant, just to find out that I needed to learn to be more submissive.

    It is still a challenge, but we are both happier and have closer connection.
    Good luck guys!
     
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  21. Goddess li
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    Thank you for your advice. It's nice to know there are people here I can seek advice from (and vent a little too!) I've made a few extra rules and we've had a good chat. I definitely need to be more forceful on the pubnishments and make sure they're not 'funishments'. Thanks again!
     
  22. Goddess li
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    That sounds very similar to us. I think maybe it just takes longer than I thought to strike the right balance. It is very good to hear other peoples thoughts on it, thank you for taking the time to respond. We'll get there
     
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  23. BarbCD
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    I don’t have anything constructive to add, but I am super impressed with the thread and how thoughtful, candid, and supportive everyone is to the OP. A very educational and interesting thread.
     
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  24. Goddess li
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    That is very eloquently put. You have described exactly what I think to be the case. You are very kind - you must be a good sub. We have had a good talk today, he admits to being selfish and even suggested himself that I should threaten to give him the keys if it's not working for me. He knows what he does, and does admit to it which is a good thing. I have made some new rules this evening which should help to improve things. Thank you for taking the time to reply.
     
  25. Goddess li
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    Wow this is really insightful to see someone elses rules - thank you for sharing. They are concise and to the point which makes them much easier to remember. We do have rules but reading everyone's replies, I need to be far more strict in enforcing them. Thank you again
     
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