How to teach/train in versatile role switching...

Discussion in 'Novices and newbies' started by biman, Apr 19, 2018.

  1. biman
    Offline

    biman New member

    Joined:
    Apr 17, 2018
    Messages:
    9
    Likes Received:
    1
    Trophy Points:
    3
    Gender:
    Male
    Occupation:
    IT Professional
    Location: (Country, Region - and perhaps even City?):
    Utah-USA
    Local Time:
    5:17 AM
    I'm trying to bring my wife into the world of Kink and was wondering about some pointers. One of the challenges we have is she very much prefers being the bottom and in her more vanilla thinking she sees that as always being a submissive role. For me in my job and in life in general I tend to do a lot of other peoples thinking and decision making so while I do have a very public 'alpha' personality i need time to turn that off. But I'm a versatile top and I've always been kinky she has always been happy with standard vaginal or oral intercourse. She is still trying to process me enjoing butt plugs or dildos, as it diviates obviously from the more vanilla roles. (sorry long intro there)

    This is what I'm hitting she's wanting to try to be the Dom and she surprised me with trying a Dom session. The problem was it was of course her first time taking that much control, so i was ordered not to talk. Which was fantastic until she hit points where she struggled. Things like hooking up the leg straps, finding positions that work, (which after I did do a little after coaching and reminder her we are 'playing' there is no right or wrong as long as it's safe). The other problem is she has a huge distaste for porn so i can't exactly take her to healthier bondage porn and walk her through it. (damn I'm long winded)

    She does want to primarily be the bottom/sub so would it serve me better initiate a Dom session(s) on her to try and train her? My only hesitation there is how I would Dom her is not necessarily what I would enjoy being done to me. IDK is that odd that I think a Male Doming a Woman is different that how a Female would dominate a male?
     
    MadamBelle likes this.
  2. LadyMoon
    Offline

    Verified Female

    Joined:
    Feb 22, 2017
    Messages:
    164
    Likes Received:
    742
    Trophy Points:
    93
    Gender:
    Female
    Occupation:
    Writer
    Location: (Country, Region - and perhaps even City?):
    DFW, Texas
    Local Time:
    6:17 AM
    To clarify, is she really wanting to explore becoming dominant, or is her main motivation an interest in helping you fulfill your desires?

    To me, it sounds like the latter, so I'll respond from that perspective. If her main motivation for trying this is to please you, then she doesn't need to start off as a dominant. It might be more comfortable for her to start as a "service top," someone who does the topping activities, while the bottom actually remains in full control of the proceedings. I've seen this often for male dominants who enjoy pegging; instead of asking their female submissive to switch into a dominant role, she remains in the role of a submissive who is serving, while the dominant issues orders and direct her through the exact actions they want. In many ways, it's no different from directing her through a blow job exactly as you want it; you position her, you tell her when and how to move, how slow or fast to go, when to stop, and so on. It can even get as detailed as telling her exactly what to say in each moment; when you're a dominant with a service top, you're the one writing the script, so to speak.

    Even if she does eventually want to try being in total control of the situation, starting from the position of service topping can help her learn the technical details that you described, and then the dominance/control part can come later, once the technique is mastered.

    Even though I identify as dominant and prefer to be in control, if I'm learning a new technique or a new toy, I will approach that as a shared experience. We'll talk about what we both want to get out of it, some different things we could try, and then we try it, constantly checking in to make sure everything feels OK. Once it's something we both understand, then the control elements of D/s can be layered over that.
     
    Junebug15 likes this.
  3. biman
    Offline

    biman New member

    Joined:
    Apr 17, 2018
    Messages:
    9
    Likes Received:
    1
    Trophy Points:
    3
    Gender:
    Male
    Occupation:
    IT Professional
    Location: (Country, Region - and perhaps even City?):
    Utah-USA
    Local Time:
    5:17 AM
    She on her own has from time to time taken a dominate role, and I've seen a small spark of enjoyment from it, (that is what I've been trying to encourage.) But that has been for things like birthdays, Christmas etc. but her context of sex is just reaching organism and part of what I've been trying to show is that intentional denial or teasing can add more enjoyment overtime. I mean we've all had those moments in sex where you accidentally ruin the orgasm or things just don't pop, that frustration sucks. Which is where I brought in the chastity to try and show her that she could use me to get off, deny me or edge me and then lock me back up and that frustration can be enjoyable for a couple days.

    IDK hard to explain I see an organism as a happy reward not an ends in its own right, the ends to me is the exchange between the two of you.

    Like this last session she used pain which I hate normally my nipples only register as pain. But while strapped down and partially gagged there was actually some enjoyment to the light pain she inflicted. Which I communicated that hey, I don't normally like that but when I have 'no say' about it, it kind of worked.

    Almost been debating but it feels cliche to me, to find a decent Dom/Sub Application that goes over the entire range of things, defining a hard/soft limits and have us both fill one out for the other. I mean we obviously already communicate that but where she hasn't been exposed to alot it might show her what could be interesting to do or have done.
     
  4. LadyMoon
    Offline

    Verified Female

    Joined:
    Feb 22, 2017
    Messages:
    164
    Likes Received:
    742
    Trophy Points:
    93
    Gender:
    Female
    Occupation:
    Writer
    Location: (Country, Region - and perhaps even City?):
    DFW, Texas
    Local Time:
    6:17 AM
    Yes, you could definitely start with a BDSM checklist or a D/s contract, have her read those and see if anything appeals to her.

    And if she enjoys reading, there are lots of books that could get her started down the right path. Some that come to mind are "The Loving Dominant," "The Topping Book", and "The Mistress Manual." (You should also be able to get free Kindle samples of most of those, to see if they interest you.) Another book that was an eye-opener for me was "Uniquely Rika," though the content there is more on developing an FLR rather than specifically focused on play.
     
    biman likes this.
  5. filltee
    Offline

    filltee Junior Member

    Joined:
    May 21, 2010
    Messages:
    3,378
    Likes Received:
    2,502
    Trophy Points:
    143
    Gender:
    Male
    Location: (Country, Region - and perhaps even City?):
    Sheffield. South Yorkshire UK
    Local Time:
    11:17 AM
    You might want to ask yourself who is choosing to do what for who and is it their choice for themselves or for the the other person. Could it be your wife is at times being dominant only because you want her to be? A whole can of worms to consider there.

    But in the meantime;

    You could explore you domming or topping her whilst you remain locked and denied. With the ground rule being that whilst in that situation you may not ask to be unlocked or to be allowed an orgasm or mention those things..

    She gets what she wants and you get to be denied when you you would most not want to be.
    Of course she might want to involve your unlocked penis in this scenario which does not mean she has to let you come.
    Win Win.
    And who knows she could really get into that. It does happen I assure you.
     
    biman likes this.
  6. biman
    Offline

    biman New member

    Joined:
    Apr 17, 2018
    Messages:
    9
    Likes Received:
    1
    Trophy Points:
    3
    Gender:
    Male
    Occupation:
    IT Professional
    Location: (Country, Region - and perhaps even City?):
    Utah-USA
    Local Time:
    5:17 AM
    You are correct yes I'm the one making the choices right now, as I always do for everything. This is where the play sessions goal is to see if it works taking that away from me. Not expecting an overnight change and I'm not expecting her to like it and if it that is the case I'll have to figure something else out. I would actually prefer her to see what she likes regardless of if i 'like' it.

    And yes her needs are my unlocked penis which is totally fine and like you mentioned I'm trying to encourage her to simply use me and lock me away if she chooses. That's where the learning curve is she's having a hard time grappling on how that could possibly enjoyable for me. Which is what we are discussing its the idea of intention, that she intentionally made a choice to not allow that.
     
  7. LesterBallard
    Offline

    LesterBallard Long term member

    Joined:
    Oct 2, 2016
    Messages:
    15,490
    Likes Received:
    5,487
    Trophy Points:
    143
    Gender:
    Male
    Occupation:
    Management
    Location: (Country, Region - and perhaps even City?):
    United Kingdom
    Local Time:
    11:17 AM
    As I'm reading this I'm wondering how comfortable your wife is with the role that's being set out for her. Are you sure this is what she wants? An unwilling domme is not going to be a successful domme, no matter how hard she tries. Could you talk to her about your mutual desires?
     
    LadyMoon likes this.
  8. Mistress B
    Offline

    Mistress B Mistress B

    Joined:
    Feb 29, 2012
    Messages:
    2,451
    Likes Received:
    3,504
    Trophy Points:
    153
    Gender:
    Female
    Occupation:
    Business Owner
    Location: (Country, Region - and perhaps even City?):
    United Kingdom
    Local Time:
    11:17 AM
    I too am wondering about all of this.
     
  9. biman
    Offline

    biman New member

    Joined:
    Apr 17, 2018
    Messages:
    9
    Likes Received:
    1
    Trophy Points:
    3
    Gender:
    Male
    Occupation:
    IT Professional
    Location: (Country, Region - and perhaps even City?):
    Utah-USA
    Local Time:
    5:17 AM
    I wouldn't say unwilling. We were both raised in Utah and both from LDS families and she more than I from a very sheltered LDS upbringing. If you're not familiar with that group they are very sexually repressed and a little backwards (depending on what part of the state you come from). Plus she was physically abused by and older sibling and not her but many of her old siblings were molested by the oldest sibling. Its created a lot of anxiety for her, and she is always worried she is going to do everything wrong.

    I'm not playing therapist but that is what I do try to help her overcome some of that programming and hopefully some of that damage. By showing her that consenting adults in a safe environment can express themselves.

    You know I'm broken too, I'm incredible emotionally repressed and closed off. I don't like to let people in because I've been broken to pieces before by far too many people in deeply trusted positions. I get lost of my head all the time so for me play is also about getting out of my head and into the moment.
     
  10. LesterBallard
    Offline

    LesterBallard Long term member

    Joined:
    Oct 2, 2016
    Messages:
    15,490
    Likes Received:
    5,487
    Trophy Points:
    143
    Gender:
    Male
    Occupation:
    Management
    Location: (Country, Region - and perhaps even City?):
    United Kingdom
    Local Time:
    11:17 AM
    Thanks for clarifying. I'll preface my remarks with the same disclaimer you gave: I'm not a therapist or expert.

    I can see why you would want to encourage your wife to approach things differently and come to understand consensual exploration.

    But is there a fear that, in encouraging her to take this dominant role you so want her to, in her mind it will take her back to memories if her physical (and no doubt mental) abuse? Her upbringing has left mental scars, and she has to be able to make a distinction between your consensual domination and the bullying, abusive domination she has suffered. That might be very difficult for her.

    Good luck to you both. Has your wife ever come on here? Some of our remarkable Dommes might be able to advise and coach and support her.
     
    biman likes this.
  11. biman
    Offline

    biman New member

    Joined:
    Apr 17, 2018
    Messages:
    9
    Likes Received:
    1
    Trophy Points:
    3
    Gender:
    Male
    Occupation:
    IT Professional
    Location: (Country, Region - and perhaps even City?):
    Utah-USA
    Local Time:
    5:17 AM
    Oh you are spot on that is why face smacking, choking and punching (which I'm not even interested in either) are all never going to happen.

    Its not for all of our sex time its defiantly just for play sessions. She still loves impulsive random sex, initiated by me. Hence the versatile switching to make sure we're both getting what we need.
     
  12. Giles_English
    Offline

    Giles_English Chaste slave

    Joined:
    Dec 8, 2011
    Messages:
    1,840
    Likes Received:
    1,911
    Trophy Points:
    133
    Gender:
    Male
    Occupation:
    Slave
    Location: (Country, Region - and perhaps even City?):
    UK
    Home Page:
    Local Time:
    11:17 AM
    Perhaps a good place to start would be with a service dynamic? A chance for her to get used to being in charge, and getting things she wants.
     
  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
    Dismiss Notice