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How do you keep him happy while locked?

Discussion in 'Chastity and orgasm denial' started by TheKeyIsMine12, Oct 1, 2017.

  1. So if I think about sex twice as much as her then she thinks about it 8 hours a day? Cuz I think about it the entire time I am awake. I think your math needs work :D
  2. I've never been locked for long by my wife so I have no leg to stand on with this conversation. But, I am working my 'honor system" totally differently last time when I completely scared off my wife with all of my "new needs" and crazy emotions. I did the same thing..."hey, you need to be teasing me it only takes a minute...I'm in pain the whole day and you ignore me" We are both gaining from more time spent together cuddling but I honestly don't talk about it with hert. That's why I'm posting here 2x per day the last 3 weeks. :cool: She is getting more of what she wants and I am too so far. She seems far more interested in cuddling and stroking my arms and neck and we spend time together at night...I'm learning that is "the new sex"...used to be a 5 minute submissive fantasy by myself (and usually thinking of her btw)...now its cuddling at night or on the couch with an intense erection. This is a better start for us so far. But I do a TON of head work to not be a pest to her about it. Its in my head, not hers.
    Keuschling likes this.
  3. I tried to find some statistics on the subject but most admitted that because its self reported its hard to be accurate, so I generalized. I'm sure there are some women who think about sex much more often, but I wasn't that lucky with my wife lol.
  4. Its fun learning new things, isn't it? :eek: Just give it time, your constant head trip will calm down and you will learn to deal with as time goes on.
    thefemdecided likes this.
  5. I agree that I can offer what is working for my husband and myself but this may not be the same dynamic for your relationship. I am the key holder in our relationship, my husband is my submissive. We have found that chastity has actually enhanced our sexual relationship. We both work, we have a child and the busy demands of maintaining a household, but find time for teasing and playing more than we did before he was locked constantly. We send each other messages throughout the day to turn each other on and have used toys and games to tease at night.

    As a mistress, I find it highly rewarding to unlock my submissive and tease him until he is begging cum and then stop all touching and tell him to lock himself back up. It leaves him feeling very horny and I feel pleased.

    If you'd like to read more about our journey in chastity, read our blogs; comment and follow us.
    slave_m, Keuschling and Cincy like this.
  6. While I think that it is important that in a relationship everyones needs are met and both are happy in general in a FLR it is not my job to entertain him all the time.
    Of course I want him to feel good and if I can achieve it by teasing him oncy a while (which I love) I am more than happy to obliege. Of course that is if there is time and my mind is not made up with other things - in this case he has to handle it himself.
    But I am quite confident that he is able to do it as he might have the sexdrive of a bonobo, but fortunately more control about himself. ;)
    slave_m and Keuschling like this.
  7. I was quite busy in the past days and now have time to catch up. I definitely understand and respect your point of view. Your post is liked many times indicating that your opinion is shared by many others. Writing and positing it here was a bad decision. The obvious thing would be to defend myself. That doesn't help. Your message hurts, but that's no surprise.

    In general words to avoid a blame game. We love each other in a way that we both think we were made for each other. One of us feels comfortable with two sexual activities only. The other suffered from a serious medical condition at some time making missionary sex quite unpleasant due to excessive sweating, unable to climax and feeling horrible for not meeting the urges of the other and feeling the pressure to keep going. That one was fixed after a lot of surgery. Physically it was possible to perform that act again but the damage was done.

    That left us with no common ground concerning sex. We've tried it all to make it work. I gave her total freedom to explore what she wanted, also because I knew there were acts she enjoyed which I couldn't give her. I felt left out. It sparked the fun elsewhere but not between us. I could live with that but had a hard time dealing that my wishes were never addressed. We're trying chastity now. I agreed but asked to not change the rules of the game all the time.

    I'm sorry if this makes me a horrible person. This is just one side of the story. I know.
    Keuschling likes this.
  8. It's very easy to keep us happy or at least me any way. All my Mistress has to do is feed me some hind of food that will make me excited or wet. It can be a simple text or a hint of what may happen. As long as your giving your sub so kind of hope that he'll get stimulated in some way or another it's not that difficult to keep us happy.

    The od Orgasm or at least an erection once in a while helps to
    Keuschling and sissybitch like this.
  9. But, in the end, the both of us are sad as we don't understand why we keep failing. We really discuss the good and bad parts before we start something new.

    To keep it personal: if I knew how to deal with disappointment it would be a huge step in the right direction. To use the same example. We discussed before we started what would be in it for either of us. She enjoys control. I agreed and asked to stop pleasing and to stop changing rules. A week is a week as example. We discussed in which way we would positively surprise the other and which pitfalls to avoid.

    In a nutshell: strict + guts to make it harder = turn on; ignoring and unlocking = turn off. We discuss this to make it easier to make the other happy.

    If I found the key to turn the bad feelings that arise when only turn off words are used into positive feelings, it would be so much easier to progress. I don't believe in bad intention. We both really want to make this or some other way happen to leave the negativity behind us. I'm not mentioning her part as it is up to her. This is mine and I need to turn whining into winning.
    Keuschling likes this.
  10. @Pietje12@Pietje12 It wasn't my intention to be hurtful, your post just hit close to home and reminded me of some challenging times we went though when starting out. I hope you'll consider it as intended. Constructive criticism from a person who knows absolutely nothing about your situation and take it with a grain of salt.
    slave_m, TheKeyIsMine12 and Pietje12 like this.
  11. Hello @Pietje12@Pietje12 sorry but I am a little lost here , so just to be clear , are you saying that what is spoiling things for you is that you are unlocked early or before what you have both agreed , if so what usually is the reason for her unlocking you ? and are you relocked after or does that just end it all and leave you unlocked and bring the whole thing to a stop ? ,
    TheKeyIsMine12 and Pietje12 like this.
  12. No worries, you mention many valid points and I hugely respect your openness and willingness to create other perspectives. If you really thought I sucked you wouldn't invest so much time and energy in your replies. I thank you for that. Very much.
  13. Forgive me for being unclear, English is not my native language. The problem is that on an intellectual level we understand what's important to the other and what we should avoid. She's a pleaser and awesome because of that, but in the bedroom pleasing is a turn off. We know what works for the other, during the emotions around intimacy, we forget them and do the opposite. From my perspective: if she wants to play with chastity, I'm game. Power games to threaten to extend the lockup time push my buttons, unlocking for unknown reasons before the end of the time frame she mentioned push the wrong buttons.

    I'm trying to find a way to minimise the negative impact and possibly turn it into something positive. Does this make sense?
    Keuschling and sissybitch like this.
  14. Hello @Pietje12@Pietje12 yes I think I can see what you are saying , in my opinion although she may want to play the chastity game it probably is going against her usual pattern of wanting to please , after all keeping you locked and denied although exiting for you probably is a little daunting to her and she may at times feel guilty for not as she sees it being nice to you , I think you need to give her more time to accept that keeping you locked is ok , on your part some of the negative reactions probably only make things harder for her , try to just take what time she is willing to give as a start , and build from there , chastity to start with can seem a bit unusual , and needs time for both people to adjust to , on the days you think she is ignoring you try doing things for her unprompted it may help to reassure her that all is well and she dosnt have to take a lead role all the time , these are just my thoughts you may find them of help or not , but I will say that to start with patience is probably the best thing needed to keep things going
    Pietje12 likes this.
  15. The very reason we are not big fans of set times, release dates, or confines of rules. It puts a calendar as the kh instead of her. One of the biggest and first problems people locked experience is disappointment in the duration. Too long or too short. You said it would be 2 weeks but it was only one, you said it would be 2 but it has been 3...the only way I have found to eliminate this disappointment is to let go of expectations.

    To make this real for her, she has to have the ability to do things at her pace, and feel comfortable that she really can be in control.

    When we first started she let me out every night and let me finish almost as often. As her confidence built, her guilt diminished. Now it’s all about her pleasure and her options are open.

    This isn’t natural for some, and requires patience and surrender.
  16. I definitely regret my posts in which I expressed disappointment. @sissybitch@sissybitch and @Nicoftime@Nicoftime, than you for the encouraging words. I'm aware that giving positive reinforcement is a major contributor to success. That will be my main focus for the time coming. I hope you understand the struggle to keep focussed and remain positive without receiving positive reinforcement. But again: if I want to break the cycle of failure I shouldn't blame her, but seek for options to change that are within my control.
  17. Dear all, thank you so much for all the reactions and supportive warm words. We are not alone... its not easy to turn this into a success.
    As Pietje12 rightly says: its all about what we can change ourselves and not blaming the other.
    Its very clear what my husband needs: clarity and no exception to the rules. today is Locktober 11. We haven been struggling in the first 11 days of Locktober. I felt very close to you today and I would like to make a success of the remaining part of the month. I want to extend the locked up period by at least 11 days so we can have a full locked up month of our own. And let us mentally restart this. Tomorrow, dinner together in the best sushi restaurant in town.. many ways to play - while overheard by staff or talking to them playing with words like cage, locked up, key... I can put my feet in heels at your cage etc. etc. For sure I will change the pin to the biggest size tomorrow night so you can feel the limitation of the cage even more...love you
  18. @Pietje12@Pietje12 Knowing ones limits is great, but saying she mustn't change timelimits etc. is quite limiting to her. In fact that way it's rather some kind of roleplay. Not bad in itself, but that way she is just pleasing you again in doing everything the way you want...

    If you want try something different give her more space to act by just setting some outline limits. Maybe name 3 weeks maximum and what is happening during this time ist up to her only. If she wants to unlock you after 2 weeks for some play that is it. If she wants to grant you an orgasm after 2 days you will happily accept it !
    Why ? Because critizising her most the time while she does what she wants might not be the best thing to do if you want her to become comfortable taking the lead...
    Pietje12 likes this.
  19. This is proof to me we can work it out and cage or not: we can make it happen.

    To avoid that "duration" seems to be the dominating element: it was just an example. I know I positively surprise her when I take her out or buy her flowers, she knows that being stricter in whatever way makes me happy. Duration was just the first example that came across.
    Keuschling likes this.
  20. I'm sorry, for interrupting someones conservation, but I have yet to figure out how to start a conversation of my own...My husband(in a cage) and I, are fairly new to this...we have played off and on for several years, but he always gets to aggressive for me, so I take the cage off, and say to hell with with it..
    This time, he has been in a cage for about a month..he came the same night I put him in his cage, and I didn't let him cum again for two week...then I left him in the cage and let him cum using a vibrating toy...He cam very good. In my opinion...I'm sure that I wasn't paying attention to his every need, during that month..but I don't think that is my job...We both work, go to bed at 9 and get up at 5...so most of our days are long hours at work or one of our 4 grown kids needs something,, Real life does happen...But this week, we are both on break, so we are both home together and I decided to try something...On Saturday, I let him have male friend over, they had grgain on Sunday moring, I lcome over agia, and they had fun again..Of course, I didnt let him out of the cage and he couldnt cum, he still had fun....So on Monday, we were having a normal day,,,I cleaned house,,watched the grand baby for a few hours...still managed to grab his cock cage and acknowledge him,,,then on Tuesday night, I took his little cock out of the cage,,Had sex with him,,,of course, not letting him cum, but I cam several time, with his little cock inside me...then put him back in the cage, where he belongs,,Now, on Wednesday,,I have him locked in a cage, in a nighty and used clothes pins on his little cock., out of the cage,..had his squealing in agony...,,put him back in the cage,,,and all he can ever say is that he wants me to peg him...I have done this in the page,,ALOT, and enjoy it very much...When its my idea...I'm just wondering why he cant just let it be my idea,,,Why does this seem to always turn in, what he wants,,instead of what I want...
    As his Dom I'm really trying to understand his side of this,,but as my Sub, why cant he just stop asking for things, and let them happen when I want them too...Any advise...
    Keuschling likes this.
  21. Don't worry, it's more or less the same subject. If you want your own thread, click on the house behind chastity mansion in the banner, choose the appropriate section and click on the orange button that says: "post new thread".

    OT: I'm not sure if I understand your question correctly. You played with chastity before, but he became aggressive forcing you to stop. You made a fresh start which worked and during last week's break something happend with a male friend. You had sex afterwards but were strict and did't allow him to climax? Presently he annoys you by demanding sexual activities without giving you the chance to take the lead. Is that correct?
  22. I stumbled across something interesting that may be part of the Loctober quandary for the FLR!
    The Female Leader may wish to remember that nothing she does is a failure, NOTHING!!! :)
    Edged Beyond the Point-of-No-Return:

    A “Mistake” Is Not A Failure – It’s Normal!

    Part of teasing and edging my husband involves learning exactly where his edge is – learning exactly when to stop, so he is as close as humanly possible to orgasm, just one deliciously agonizing breath away, without actually climaxing. I carefully take him to that edge, then remove all stimulation for a few seconds, let him barely begin to calm down, then I take his cock and do it again. And again. And again…

    It is perfectly natural to make mistakes during this process. In the perpetual challenge to edge my husband as intensely as possible, sometimes I misjudge his limit and accidentally send him over. Honestly, if you are exploring edging with your man, and you don’t accidentally make him cum sometimes (especially at first) then you aren’t edging him hard enough. In my humble opinion, you can never find a man’s true limit without crossing it sometimes. You need to learn the exquisite sequence of groans, twitches, and muscle contractions unique to your man that signal his imminent orgasm. Once you learn that sequence, and the EXACT spot in that sequence that marks his point-of-no-return, you can shatter him with deliciously pleasurable, toe-curling, mind-bending edges, over and over again, by stopping at EXACTLY the last possible moment in his sequence.

    Getting that close – experiencing that much pleasure – is something he can’t physically do for himself, because the male brain loses conscious control long before that moment. Purely for illustration, let’s say your man’s preorgasmic sequence goes A-B-C-D-E-F. Let’s say his point-of-no-return is E. If he hits E, his orgasm reflex kicks in and he’s going to cum whether you keep touching him or not. So, to give your man maximum pleasure and totally blow his mind, you want to take him exactly to D and stop – over and over again, as many times as possible. The beautiful truth is that he needs you to do that for him; it is physically impossible for him to do it for himself. He can probably take himself to B, which is still intensely pleasurable, but once he hits C, his brain shuts off, instinct kicks in, and he cascades through D-E-F like a waterfall. Effectively, when it’s in his control, his point-of-no-return is C and his capacity for pleasure is limited to B. But, when you take control, you can take him all the way to D (a vastly more intense edge) over and over again!

    How does it feel to know that he needs you in order to achieve pleasure he simply cannot achieve on his own?

    How insane do you think it makes him feel, when you give him pleasure he’s literally never experienced before, because it was impossible without you?

    So, if you want to achieve such extraordinary mastery of your man’s orgasm reflex, naturally mistakes will happen. You’re going to accidentally hit point E a couple times. The important thing to remember (for both of you) is that these mistakes are not failures – they are an essential part of the learning experience! Do not get angry with yourself or your man. Do not punish him for cumming (unless that’s part of your game).

    Embrace your mistake!
    Kiss him deeply while he cums in your hands. Pet his writhing body with your free hand. (My husband likes it when I claw him with my nails during his orgasm) Tell him how sexy he is – how sexy he looks when he cums. Tell him how impressed you were with his stamina, regardless of how long he actually lasted. Admire his orgasm. (“Wow! Good one! Keep going, baby!”) It’s okay to briefly apologize for sending him over the edge (“Oops! Shit, sorry baby!”) but don’t dwell on the fact you made a mistake. Just kiss and stroke him through his full orgasm. You can analyze the mistake later.

    No matter how experienced you are, mistakes will still happen. I’ve edged my husband… ummm… thousands? of times. I have no idea. At least thousands. And I still make mistakes. In my neverending pursuit of that perfect, razor-close edge, I still push it too far and hit point E sometimes. That’s why I’m telling you, don’t sweat the mistakes. I would be more concerned if you were regularly edging your man and he never, ever climaxed – if you’re not making mistakes, you’re not pushing him hard enough, he’s not at his true maximum pleasure, and you’re not doing it right.

    A Trick To “Undo” Your Mistakes:
    Once you’ve got a little experience (and a delightful mistake or two) behind you, then I suggest you add so-called “ruined orgasms” to the mix. A “ruined” orgasm is when you barely take him to point E (the point-of-no-return) then let go of his cock and cease all stimulation completely. His ejaculation reflex is irreversible, but the subsequent touchless orgasm is an intensely frustrating pale shadow of a real orgasm. Cum should leak from his dick, like it’s crying, rather than spurting out in powerful contractions.

    Why would you do that to him? Well, first of all, I always remind people, “ruined” is just a name – your man is still having an orgasm, so don’t feel bad about it. And the benefits of ruined orgasms are plenty – so many, that they deserve their own separate #journal entry, which I’ll write later. The short answer, though, is that although there’s a physical release, it’s hormonally unsatisfying, so he stays horny and eager for more edging (or sex), right away. It’s basically a way of clicking the “Undo” button on your mistake.

    Pretty cool, huh? Male anatomy is full of awesome, fun quirks like that!

    So if you’re edging him slowly and carefully, you will still have time to make a choice when you realize you accidentally crossed his point-of-no-return: you can choose to finish the party and stroke him through a full orgasm; or you can immediately let go and ruin it – essentially hitting “Undo” because you want to keep playing. Your man will be insanely frustrated when you ruin him, but it will blow his mind when you go straight back to edging him again. Used this way, the ruined orgasm just becomes part of the night’s edging session, and your mistake is less of an issue. In the end, through a swirling haze of pleasure, he’ll realize what you did, and he’ll thank you for ruining him so the two of you could keep playing. (He knows that a full orgasm would have meant the premature end of an otherwise long, fun night)

    After an accidental ruined orgasm, it might take a few minutes and a little extra work to get him back to the edge again. There is still a small hormonal release, followed by a very short, weak refractory period, even from a ruined orgasm – a matter of minutes, usually. Just let the cum finish dribbling from his untouched cock, then kiss him, pet him, talk to him, and soothe him for 2-5 minutes. Assure him that he did a great job, you find him super sexy, you enjoyed watching him leak for you, and you’re not done teasing him tonight. His erection should return, full strength and ready to go again, so quickly, I guarantee you will both be pleasantly surprised. Then go back to your regularly scheduled program: edge him like crazy.

    If it wasn’t obvious already, if you make multiple mistakes, it’s okay to ruin him multiple times in one night. For example, I had a really “off” night one time with my husband – he was good, so I planned to reward him with an extra-long edging session, with like 30 edges. But on the very first edge, I pushed him too far and saw his orgasm reflex starting. I was disappointed, but I kept my tone happy and positive. I smiled and said, “Oops!” and immediately let go of his cock. After his cock was done crying, we cuddled and I promised him we were just getting started. I went back to work and, sure enough, I fucked up again, pretty much right away. But I never stopped smiling, acting like it was no big deal, “Oops!” I let go and ruined him again. We cuddled for a few minutes, I talked dirty in his ear, then we went back to it. Let’s just say, it was not my finest hour… I misread his body and ruined him four more times that night. I never got anywhere near the 30 edges that I wanted.

    But guess what? It didn’t matter! My husband was soaked in sweat and cum, his balls were totally dry, and he was so delirious with pleasure and exhaustion that he couldn’t form a complete sentence. And he was STILL hard! It was so hot, I couldn’t resist – I climbed on top, fucked, and vibed myself to an awesome climax with his stiff, aching, empty cock inside me. It was one of our best nights, ever! And all because I made (six) mistakes and embraced those mistakes with a smile!

    Edge your man HARD tonight! And if you make a mistake and he cums – it’s okay! It’s part of the experience!
    SO ENJOY AND REMEMBER 99% of CHASTITY and ORGASM CONTROL is HIS THING so YOUR MISTAKES may be Embraced and you may RUIN RUIN RUIN his ORGASM and still be the Princess of Edging!!! :) HE HE HE!!! :) GO GIRL GO!!!
    bethanise, Pietje12 and Keuschling like this.
  23. she doesn't...I keep her happy. thats how this works :)
    Mascara^Snake and Gaza like this.
  24. My keyholder is in a similar situation where she feels overwhelmed by trying to keep my interested. We've made a lot of good progress though in finding a balance and I'm finding more and more that I shouldn't push my fantasies on her. Letting her develop her own keyholding style has made her much more confident and engaged in our chastity and D/s lifestyle. It's much sexier too as I know she's genuinely interested and if she's not playing by my fantasies strictly I don't know what's coming which is really hot. Or when she incorporates things she knows I like but adds her own twist onto it.

    There are a lot of ways to meet the sexual needs of someone in chastity. Just the act of acknowledging the situation gets you most of the way there.

    I cook a lot; it's my biggest hobby. I'll often spend several hours in the kitchen prepping and cooking. Sometimes during prep she'll come up behind me and kiss my neck a little and reach around and feel my cage through my pants. "What's this? Oh how cute. I like that you wear this for me, keep cooking." That took like 20 seconds of her time and it drove me totally mad. Something like that even once a day or so shows me that she hasn't totally forgotten.

    Other little things are nice. She'll call me into the other room and wordlessly hold out her empty wine glass. When we're watching a movie on the couch she'll run her feet across my cage though my pants. It's these small gestures that require almost no energy that make up a lot of our play, actually.