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How do you keep him happy while locked?

Discussion in 'The Tower' started by TheKeyIsMine12, Oct 1, 2017.

  1. True, but I don't want to go back to the situation of "if you don't pay attention to me, I don't pay attention to you". There is no solution there. Secondly, I personally find it hard to prevent destructive thoughts. First day: " she forgot me." Second day: "she forgot me again". Third day: "how do I prevent anger over not being worth a single minute a day", but it affects my mood in some way. She notices my mood and reacts defensively. A response from that perspective is never a turn on.

    I admit I struggle big time with this. Perhaps this is not a way that giving attention in our relationship works. I don't want to jeopardize our relationship again.
     
    b2please, Keuschling, dlrob and 3 others like this.


  2. Well put. Being in the submissive mindset puts you in a place where being ignored is the worst situation that can happen. But at the same time we must realize that being recognized isnt most important we all have lives outside our chaste state. I have felt that desire of being recognized, I am working on your struggles too.
     
    Pietje12 likes this.
  3. As Oscar Wilde put it : "There is only one thing in chastity worse than being teased and denied, and that is being ignored."
     
  4. It takes time to make it work.

    Men in Chastity think about their KH all the time. It's part of what can make it awesome for the KH, but it can turn into a nightmare as well :eek:

    With experience, the male need to focus his energy on useful tasks, and turn his thoughts towards the KH into appreciated not too intrusive actions...

    The KH must learn to not forget her chaste male, and keep him ingaged with a whisper in the ear here, or a teasing text there.
    Doesn't need to be much, and as Amanda said, they will be paid back 10 times :rolleyes:
     
    b2please likes this.
  5. This really comes down to learning to cope. I'm dealing with this lately and realized that for most of my life before chastity, when I got horny I would first attempt to seek out my wife and if she wasn't available, I would just deal with it myself. (much like dinner).

    I'm not sure my wife knew how often I just satisfied my own need or that she realizes how difficult it is to no longer have that release. When she is in a teasing mood and everything is working, I could go forever. When life is busy and she comes to bed tired and falls asleep in under 60 seconds, I'm awake and horny without relief. Now I have a problem and not a lot of experience with how to deal with it.

    It isn't life threatening but I can't do what I have always done so I have to build new skills to cope with an unmet biological imperative.

    Still working on how to do that.
     
  6. I have deep respect for the locked up people who really are able to control their emotions and steer them towards positive thoughts. When she enjoyed her hall pass I would usually wait outside the hotel in the car and it really surprised me that I was completely at ease - almost like a meditating monk. The difference is that such adventures happened sometimes and not 24/7 as with a cage.

    To me, Ms Amanda nails it in this post: https://chastitymansion.com/forums/...eep-him-happy-while-locked.23932/#post-223850 Basically: if you give, you shall receive.

    Although @Joroincharge@Joroincharge takes it a bit further than I think I would be comfortable with, her advice to my wife addresses the root cause of my insecurity. She advocates being clear and strict. It's almost similar to the creation of a safe environment for students: be clear, predictable in behaviour and actions, make sure what you expect and let them know what kind of behaviour of them is unacceptable.

    The last part is very personal and, but hypothetically if 24/7 would be added to Ms Amanda's words, it would create a very safe play ground as it eliminates Damocles' sword of being unlocked and done.
     
    b2please and Gigaman like this.
  7. I struggled with the same thing for a whIle until getting into a daily routine. After getting home from work, making dinner, and taking care of anything else I need to do I'm usually ready to prop my feet up and chill out. Hubby on the other hand wants to pamper me and get me warmed up for some action. On those days that I'm to tired or just not in the mood I tried letting him know and the didn't really work. Seemed to just make him try harder. We ended up coming up with some simple ways to communicate without having to get into a discussion about it.

    So on an average day we get home from work and kiss and fondle for about 5 minutes. Just to show how much we missed each other and of course to get him swelled up in his cage. Then after dinner he cleans up then gives me a massage. Usually just a foot rub or shoulders. He really enjoys touching me and making me feel good so it's as much for him as it is for me. Then before bed he gets me warmed up and if I'm in the mood I unlock and edge him a few times before he finishes me off. If I'm not in the mood I leave him caged and squeeze his balls for a few minutes instead. I'm not sure if it would work for your man but mine seems to love it. That's our way of saying the cage is staying on tonight.

    If you decide to try it don't be afraid to squeeze really hard. You can tell what's the right pressure by he's reactions. I shoot for him writhing around and trying to scoot away up the headboard of the bed lol. I know it's to much if he touches my arm. That his way of letting me know I'm getting carried away and I need to back off some. For us it's a quick way to give him some intense sensations without me having to put much time and effort into it. I highly recommend doing it while he's eating you out. Having him moaning and writhing right into you is incredibly hot.

    Even on nights I edge him it only takes about 15 min to get him to the edge a few times. So a few minutes of kissing, massages, and then before bed either a nice hard squeeze or 15 min of edging and he's in heaven.
     
  8. Everyone should find out what works best for them. For us chastity play is mostly about the intimacy we get from tease and denial. If something comes up that prevents us from being intimate for a few days or more I unlock him so he can decided how to handel himself on his own. As long as we aren't trying to break a record or do a challenge we just start back up again.

    After a couple days of him not getting any attention from me he really stops enjoying chastity so that's what works best for us.
     
  9. Thank you @Sarah8@Sarah8! Others might have said it before, but now it really sinks in. My one sentence summary would be: "stay in touch with reality and plan ahead to prevent hormone-driven problems, even if there is a mismatch in excitement at the decision making moment" This is a great way to create a safe environment and to manage expectations.

    Our situation right now: She's on a six day trip and the excitement of being locked while she's away, excited the both of us. We knew that it would be hard to stay in touch as she visits isolated areas. We gave in to the excitement of the moment and overlooked problems that are obvious to about everyone else. Limited communication feeds the beast. I'm really curious about my wife's opinion on your vision. It made me aware that searching for the perfect solution made me overlook easy achievable options are right in front of me. Two more days before she's back.
     
    Keuschling likes this.
  10. @TheKeyIsMine12@TheKeyIsMine12
    We practice erection & ejaculation denial, so it is easy for her to fall in the trap of ignoring me, but luckily she occasionally slaps my balls or shows me her beautiful body in a non-sensual setting (like in in our kitchen for example,,) and sometimes even allows me to orally worship her pussy. This mostly is only a few seconds or half a minute or so, but it works for me.
    Of course daily kissing passionately and hugging and very regularly spooning are normal for us now since we engaged in our chastity (well: mine of course, but we like to call it our chastity).
    So I'm quite happy although it happens that she ignores me for a week or two, but never longer than that and then it is because of daily concerns which I understand. Can't complain at all, I love her!
     
    Keuschling likes this.
  11. That first sentence sums up what all this should be about! So many posters seem to think that anyone who doesn't do exactly what they do has got it all wrong, and should change their ways. We like little and often, not the lock up for a month/year/all eternity, and I see nothing wrong with that

    Jane
     
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  12. Pietje12 likes this.
  13. This thread offers so many great points of view that it really helps me to open my eyes. Secondly, I wondered why members often reply with personal views that don't answer the question. The question is invalidated and should be adapted to the answer to do it right. I'm afraid I'm guilty as well. It's hard to distinguish between a personal view that works for me and an universal truth. From that perspective: what I perceive as dogmatic is actually an answer from a member who made an effort to help me. It's hard to see negative intentions in that.

    A lot of food for thought. I'll start counting down the hours until I'm reunited with my wife again. I miss her very much. My wife as my soulmate and the person that makes me happy. The key she wears is not irrelevant but also not so important now. I just blossom when she's around.
     
    Felix cum ea likes this.
  14. @TheKeyIsMine12@TheKeyIsMine12
    Well I intended my reply to start with "what works for us/me is: "; but unfortunately my keyboard doesn't type what I think (yet?)
    Anyhow, it is just like @Sarah8@Sarah8 says: it is all up to you, there are no rules and no obligations: you decide for yourselves how you want this journey to run..

    Good luck to you both!

    BTW: what is happening to this site? when addressing someone by using the @xxxx text, then you get the person you look and when you click on that one ... nothing happens?????????????????????????????????????????????
    Only when typing the complete user name it works..........:mad:
     
  15. It's femdom - its us pleasing dommes ... A huge part of the turn on is that one-way power exchange. What we feel as subs is not that important. Our pleasure comes from giving pleasure
     
    the glove likes this.
  16. Thank you all for sharing your ideas, feelings and mutual misunderstandings... it takes a lot of communication.
    As Pietje12 already told you, I was off line for a couple of days because I was traveling for work to very remote areas without internet or possibility to call.
    So a challenge to pay attention to my locked up husband.... You have all read how challenging that can be. No use in revisiting the same themes. Any suggestion of unlocking the jailbird, all be it just to shortly trample his cock without cumming, is quite fatal in our dynamic...
    So let me re emphasise to all of you, but especially Pietje 12: Locktober is Locktober: you stay locked up. Be careful what you wish for... Game on!
    Now I am back, not leaving him overnight for the next month, so plenty of opportunity to tease him, by using my high heals to tease him trough the case, or make him clean my big heel soles....
     
  17. You are a pleaser my love and that's why I love you and what makes you beautiful. I love it when I find my favourite beer in the fridge or when you do awesome things that make us happy. I hope you feel I try to return the favour. The pitfall of pleasing is that the pleaser decides what's pleasant for the other. I admired your courage to step out of your comfort zone when you told that you wanted us to join locktober.

    I was over the moon because 31 days without fear for sexual activities that you think I enjoy, was such a relief. Secondly, it gave me the feeling that you understood that wearing a cage is not exciting, chastity is not, but the control part is. If you lock me up and you mention a time frame that's longer than what I expected, it creates instant arousal but even more respect and admiration.

    That message is so powerful and intense, you have no idea. Every single time in the past I believed that it was the turning point. Every single time I wished that I didn't have to feel shame anymore for my very common sexual feelings. Every time it blew up in my face as I was to blame because of my perverted wishes, but yet, every time I gave it another chance. We recently decided to give it another try and you wanted chastity to be a part of it.

    The intention of locktober was to create safe time span for a new start. I got one message in the past days. It was about unlocking. I don't know how to deal with it. We discussed the importance of keeping promises. Every positive result of the locktober challenge is gone and is replaced by fear. Game on? Which game are we playing? It always ends before we even get started.

    I love you with all my heart, you're the love of my life but if you still can't accept the way I'm sexually programmed than chastity is no solution either. I'm sorry that I can't enjoy the sexual activities you think I enjoy. I know you tried to change and I love you for that. I hope you appreciate all my efforts as well.
     
  18. I'm not pulling the plug. I'm just sad that I'm unable to get the message across. I feel stupid for believing it again. I admit that I'm a little frustrated as well. It would have been so easy to spark the fire by just keeping the promise. You would have had me on my knees if you had the guts to extend the time. I don't understand why we are unable to solve this. If we fail again, I'm equally to blame, I'm just out of options.
     
  19. Its none of my concern and i dont know anything about you or your arrangements so take this with a grain of salt but from that reply. If I was your key holder I'd totally tell you to hold your own key since you obviously don't think I'm doing a good enough job. I haven't read very much of this thread but from that last post you need to go sit in time out until you get yourself under control.

    I apologize if I'm misunderstanding this but it sounds like you're having a temper tantrum because your keyholder didn't extend your time when you wanted her to? If that's the case it's a very ungrateful way to express your feelings to someone who I can only assume is trying to make changes in their own life to provide you with a fantasy.

    I'd recommend you reevaluate your definition of a fun kinky sex game and then see if you can fit chastity play into it. Next would be to work on your communication skiils. Again I'm probably totally misreading everything but I didn't read anything that would have given me that hot wet tingle between my legs that makes me want to be a cock tease and play kinky sex games. Maybe a new perspective?

    Again I'm really sorry for getting all in your business without having the slightest clue about what's going on but I couldn't help it because my hubby didn't realize chastity was frustrating either and when he got all moody and thought it was my responsibility to fix all his problems. We had to have a serious conversation about what I find attractive in a partner and what I dont. First he complained I wasn't keeping him locked long enough then he complained I was keeping him locked to long, then we had our talk and he realized he was acting like a child because he wasnt used to having to deal with raging hormones, aching balls, and a cock that won't get hard no matter how badly he wanted it to.

    If that sounds at all like your situation learning to cope with sexual frustration is something you need to man up and handle before you can learn to enjoy it. For me it's been a slow process. I want to take me time and keep him locked up my own way. I also want it to be fun and sexy. If it stops be fun and sexy some communication needs to happen and not the kind where I feel like I've been falling short of his expectations when it's over. Whorship and praise her into being the keyholder of your dreams. Don't tell her how sad you are you couldn't get the message across? Seriously?
     
    Pietje12, slave_m, b2please and 6 others like this.
  20. I agree with @Sarah8@Sarah8 , but I also don't know your whole story. But I do know the first time me and my wife tried chastity it ended in failure. But I realize now that the failure can be blamed squarely on me. I had all of these fantasies built up in my mind which she was not living up to. The reality is when you hand the keys over your not playing "your" game. Your playing her game. And that may not be what you had in mind. Hopefully this will help you, if not, no worries.
     
  21. That's very similar to how we started off. He had all these ideas in his head about what being in chastity was going to be like. Then when reality wasn't how he was expecting it to be he wanted to help me learn what to do.... That's innocent enough but due to him being in a hormone induced frenzy he found himself trying to give me a step by step guide on what I needed to do to make him enjoy his frustration. I didn't want a detailed cheat sheet on how to win the game. I just wanted to play it and enjoy the journey. When he realized he was killing my fun and making the game into a chore that I had to do exactly this way, we set up some basic guidelines.

    I know we are probably way more casual about chastity play than most so no idea if this would apply at all but maybe working a few of these ideas into your arrangements should be considered.

    Set aside a time each week to be interviewed by your KH. Taking the cage off during the talk may be a good idea at first. Maybe have it after you've cleaned up and showered so there is as ltitle sexual tension as possible. The purpose is to allow your key holder to interview you and for you to make suggestions on how you can make her keyholding experience more enjoyable. It's not the time for you to vent your frustrations, complain, tell her what she could have done beter or provide any sort of feed back that she doesn't request. It's simply a time set aside for her to form her own opinion of your status and whatever else she sees fit to make of it.

    Create a time out space that is in a private area such as the bedroom closet or corner or somewhere you won't be noticed or distributed. Preferably somewhere uncomfortable. Then send yourself to it everytime your emotions start getting the better of you. Stay there until you get yourself under control. She's knows you're frustrated, she knows you're having a difficult time mastering all the extreme emotional changes you're going though. It's not her responsibility to help you master them. So anytime you get the urge to share you burdens with her, make demands, offer suggestions, moap around or in general mention your chastity to her in anyway she could find uncomfortable or displeasing. Go to time out and stay there until you've gotten your emotions under control. She may even be willing to help you by sending you to timeout on her own if you make a mistake. The point of it is to prevent you from bringing up your chastity to her all time time. Us women really enjoy talking about a lot of things besides your chastity. For me it was kinda annoying that it was all he ever wanted to talk about. So use the time out space to learn to master your frustration without troubling your kh.

    Lastly create a safe word. Then for whatever reason if you find yourself being overcome by your emotions and no matter what you do you can't get them under control use it. Stop all play, remove the cage. It could be because you are feeling resentment towards her and you are being tempted to voice it. It could be that your emotional roller-coaster hit an unexpected low and you feel alone and neglected and you are tempted to trouble your kh about it. It could be that she is an evil cock tease hell bent on teasing you until your brain melts and you want it to end. it's up to the two of you to decide how to use it and any associated consequences.

    The point of all this is to keep you from killing the fun of your keyholder while you learn to adapt to chastity, this means learning to approach any conversation with her in a way that she will find enjoyable. Once you've mastered your emotions and learned how to make her feel worshipped and adored she will be far more willing to get out of her comfort zone and try more of the things that you enjoy. In the mean time keep perspective. Monks live in celibacy their whole lives. Not having an orgasm isn't new or only related to sexual fantasy. It's really no more of a big deal than you make of it in your own head. There is big world of life outside of chastity and as soon and you learn how to cope and carry on with normal life the more fun chastity games will be.

    Sorry for getting so long winded especially since none of this may even apply to you in the least but assuming she's like me she is accustomed to pleasing her man in the traditional sense, trying to get her to hurry up and shrug off a lifetime of cultural programming and transform into a strict keyholder who finds pleasure in dominating you is going to be painful for both of you. You've got to let her have time to explore her own desires and slowly overtime maybe she will find pleasure in doing the things you want her to. It's a journey for her to you know, so make it an enjoyable one for both of you.
     
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  22. Sarah8 you are so right on!
     
  23. And as I sit here and type this wondering when I will get be able to enjoy and erection, locktober is going to be a long month, I know I have to not complain or even say a word about my wants and desires. Good luck to all of you!
     
  24. I'd probably answer this differently every single year of our 10+ years of chastity play and experimentation! One thing about this chastity thing is that it seems to be a continuous learning curve, with infinite branches and possibilities, and pretty many dead ends are possible as well, if poor communication and resentment and anger creep in.

    When we are in the mood to play with chastity again, we try to learn as much as we can from our recent chastity play experiments, make a couple adjustments, and set off again on the hot wild chastity journey.

    I'd say that I've learned a lot about myself and what I really enjoy and should enjoy from all this. I think we've moved most of the responsibilities for keeping me interested from her to me. She experiments with what makes me feel submissive, having the best possible sex while challenging me a bit (not letting me out every time), and appreciating all that I do for her.
     
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  25. Specific idea for those of us that can feel forgotten, abandoned.

    I realize that I have some recurring abandonment issues. This may in fact be another reason I like chastity play! It is with you all the time- no abandonment. But if your partner forgets, it can become a type of abandonment that feels really bad. But that's more if we take the passive approach and hope our woman will play the game better and take all the responsibility to make us happy in chastity.

    So, if you feel a bit forgotten, there are a LOT of things you can do. I make a lot of lists, and when I got this idea I called this list "Being more exposed". The left column is "Things I do to insulate myself" The right column are "positive actions I could take".

    I realized if I started to feel resentful or forgotten, I tended to shrink away "from being her amazing service oriented Knight" or whatever.

    So, here are a few
    • Instead of "not reminding her I'm in a device", Say something like, "Since I'm your servant is there anything you wish I would do? Offer her services right after she arrives home"
    • Instead of "Jotting down fantasies and hoping she'll guess them, or hope she will enjoy processing a long list of written ideas" (She doesn't) , "Come up with one modest play-oriented request that you would enjoy, and share it verbally at an appropriate time"
    • Instead of "Wishing she would ask me for things (Services)", "OFFER THEM (politely and before one gets resentful inside). Like, "Would you like a nice footrub, and you can tell me about your day if you want".
    • Instead of "feeling abandoned", you can really ask for anything that puts you in a submissive situation, or is helpful, like, "Is there anything I can do for you at this time"? or "May I please kiss your feet?"

    Even if these are puzzling to her at first, it will quickly become a much better way to signal that you might be feeling a little forgotten, by offering to be a more active and valuable locked husband or boyfriend.

    Of course, your issues will probably be different, and you could put different things in the left column and contemplate potential positive actions in the right column that YOU can do differently.

    (focus on you, not what she needs to do differently) Because this is much faster and always available. You can ask her to adjust the game a bit once in a while, but YOU can experiment with what makes it work better every day if you want to.
     
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