How do you get started in chastity with a vanilla wife?

Discussion in 'Chastity in vanilla life' started by sammartin, Feb 19, 2018.

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  1. luckyhubby83
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    luckyhubby83 Long term member

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    you can also take the approach that you no longer wish to masturbate and want her to be the sole focus of your love and lust. my wife was very responsive to the fact i wished to give her 100% of my attention from here on out. what woman wouldnt want to know for certain their man is not only faithful but also focusing every last bit of their sexual energy, lust and love on the woman they chose as their own.
     
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  2. KMW’s
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    KMW’s Long term member

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    Obviously every person is different in some ways, but here is how it worked for us. I just described to her the reasons I enjoyed the idea of chastity (being somehow physically compelled by her to wait for sexual gratification of any sort). I honestly told her the emotional rush I felt at the thought of gifting her this type of sexual control over me. I didn't even begin by showing her what the actual hardware component of the game was. She agreed that we'd do something like that at some point in our marriage; we'd just been married a few months but had dated for about two years. She wondered though how something like that desire could be accommodated, and so I started describing more precisely what the devices were like. I asked if she wanted to see some pictures of them. Once I knew she did, I sent her a variety of images. This way I didn't run the risk of her finding something that would be a big turnoff. When she saw the actual cages, she was slightly dismayed. I just had to convince her that we could take precautions so nothing would hurt me. She finally found something she wouldn't mind seeing on me and asked if I'd want that one. I made sure she wanted to try this out before ordering. She said she did because she thought it would give me so much pleasure.

    The initial times playing with it were really great, but we had some rougher patches finding what worked for us after that. I'll just emphasize what I'm sure others have already. Don't start out expecting your wife to know how you want chastity to be realized in your relationship, and at the same time don't try to dictate too much how she has to do it if she is already finding her own way to enjoy this with you. I think there is a good mean that varies from couple to couple; the mean is between two problematic extremes concerning the initiating partner's involvement in how chastity plays out. If you are the one initiating it, you should neither be excessively controlling of how you two as a whole will incorporate this new dynamic into your relationship, nor should you be deficiently expressive of your wishes, naively expecting that she'll magically and spontaneously conform to preset expectations you might have. I've no procedure to recommend that will achieve that mean attitude in every case because, as said, I think the mean shifts from case to case. Some partners, once given the key, will be more inclined to do things their own way; others will want more input from you. Also, be realistic with yourself. You might think you're willing and want to wait a long time. I'd be shocked if that would be possible given how arousing having that thing on will initially be. Thus if you are climbing the walls wanting out after you've indicated to her that you want as long of a wait as she says, she'll likely be frustrated by such mixed signals. Try reversing the roles in your mind and think how you'd feel if you'd been asked to play this strange new game where you've no idea of the rules, and it seems on your first time that by following a rule you've broken another rule. (I'd go on, but this is already becoming an f-ing novella)

    About ten years later, we're currently still finding our way with it and having fun. Our use of chastity comes in sporadic episodes of greater or lesser lengths. Some times I initiate it, and some times she does. Regardless of who gives the initial push, once the ball gets rolling it is her decision how it plays out for that time.
     
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  3. chastitylockdown
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    chastitylockdown Junior Member

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    I confessed my masturbation habit to her then told her about chastity. She suspected it since I wasn't initiating sex as often. She thought chastity was weird and kinda still does but she loves knowing that I can't pleasure myself. I also work late sometimes and it gives her the peace of mind that I'm not having piv with another woman.
     
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  4. Contained
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    This is a good approach. All you need to do is get her to let you wear the cage. The rest can develop from that. Sex will be better to th point where she will notice and that’s when it blooms.

    Where you mensioned her brushing against you, that is great. Focus on her enjoyment of it and increase that. Example, straddle her and give her a back massage while caged so she can feel it. She will notice it there, but she will be too busy enjoying the back rub.

    The key is arouse in her a desire to cage you that she enjoys. Better sex, better mood, and the list goes
     
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  5. Norcalguy09
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    Norcalguy09 Member

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  6. KittensProperty
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    KittensProperty Kitten's Happy Property

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    I'm sure this is too late for the OP but maybe it will help someone else. I wrote my wife a letter about my porn and masturbation problem/addiction , what it was doing to us and telling I wanted her help. I printed it on a large envelope with the book "Male Chastity: A Guide for Keyholders" in it and left it on her pillow. She took 5 days to read it and said she was interested in trying it. Six days later I heard the click of her padlock for the first time!
     
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  7. Ma’am M
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    Ma’am M Wife/KH of Ma’ams Slut, and the F in our FLR
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    I will shamelessly admit I was vanilla! Took my husband years to try and show me what he was into. In the beginning, I just didn’t get it. I thought it was costumes and fetishes and I just was playing dress up, which didn’t offer anything for me. I did not understand the psychology of being a sub/Domme. Because I didn’t get it, I responded to his attempts at further introducing things defensively and with annoyance. It would cause fights and eventually our sex life and intimacy suffered. Sad to say, it took his having affair to shed light on the issues and I had to come around and really understand. Chastity was a natural outcome, but now I understand the psychology and am enjoying our FLR, and we are closer than ever.

    Someone here said to first serve your lady and she will get used to being in that superior position. I agree. She will eventually learn that your pleasure only comes after hers. Once the backdrop is set, maybe bring up chastity and why it’s important to you and to the relationship. That it’s another way of making sure she is first and decides when you can have pleasure. Simply showing her a chastity device or bringing it out cold turkey might be too alarming and surprising. You want to avoid a negative introduction. There is a book or article by Elsie Sutton I believe which addresses this, and is spot on. If I find it I’ll post it here...
     
  8. Greg Goltz
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    Greg Goltz Member

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    Why do you want chastity? What’s in it for her? I would answer those two questions first.

    My wife was VERY vanilla, but we had a troubled marriage. I sat down and talked to her one day about being the leader of the home HOH. We both did some reading and chastity became her thing, as well as a few others.

    We now have a much better marriage and our sex life is better than our first year of marriage. We still have issues, but we normally get over them faster. She never liked our traditional marriage with me being the dominant and making all the decisions. I didn’t care much for it either. Now we are both happier.
     
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  9. chaste_for_her
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    chaste_for_her Active member

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    People always say that you need to talk about it. That's true, it's the only way to get started. Once you do get over that hurdle, thought what you need to do is ... STOP talking about it. What do I mean by that? Well, once she's agreed to give it a shot, maybe you've agreed to have a trial period. Maybe you bought her a book or sent her some links to websites and blogs for her to read, you're going to want to follow up.

    Don't.

    Here's the thing: you have the fetish, not her (unless you're one of the lucky few). You're locked up and thinking about it all the time. She's not. She's probably still processing and if you start getting in her face all the time to find is she's read this or that, or decided to do or not do something, you're going to get annoying. You're going to get very annoying, very quickly, and she'll start to feel pressured.

    So here's my advice for when you do get her to try it: set a trial period after which you agree to talk some more. Until then don't talk about it unless she brings it up. You're job at this point is to sell her on the advantages of this by having no expectations and making it all about her.
     
  10. Robinoh
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    Robinoh Active member

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    Couldnt agree more!!!

    My wife is VERY Vanilla. I approached her strongly and it freaked her out almost 2 years ago. Wrong approach!

    Then after reading this and several other threads here on CM I backed off completely. I self locked and didn’t say a word. I just spoiled her. The results were so much better.

    She has been dealing with a lot like menopause and family stress sonsec is a huge afterthought these days. She enjoys the foot rubs, flowers and extra attention but we don’t talk about chastity unless she brings it up. And she does periodically. We’re not where I want to be but I’m taking it at her pace and she is slowly coming around.

    Great advice! Thanks
     
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  11. Joey love
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    Joey love Long term member

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    If all goes well this weekend will be round 2 of me talking to my wife about this. So much great advice here. I’ve probably stated before I think explaining what it isn’t may be more important than what it is. I want to go with a trial period and NOT talking about it during that time unless she initiates it seems to be the way to go.
    Also realizing that this is something that she will not jump in full speed is helpful. One step at a time
     
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  12. tecolote
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    tecolote Long term member

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    This ( https://goo.gl/GC7Cqi ) certainly piqued her interest.

    It's how I introduced the idea to my wife. She is pretty vanilla and read all of it in one day. We aren't exactly up and running, but I think it's a place to start that isn't too crazy.
     
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  13. Deleted member 114215
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    Just ordered a copy of that book - just the kind of tactic I was looking for to introduce it to her!!
     
  14. atxmtb
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    atxmtb Long term member

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    This is true for me, and it worked. My wife is not into the kinky aspects of chastity, of which I am learning there are many. She doesn't go all out to deny me orgasms, but she has no problem denying me the ability to jerk-off.
     
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  15. Deleted member 114215
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    Denying me the ability to wank would be perfect… and knowing it’s locked for her would be a great feeling. Fingers crossed I can sell her the idea!!
     
  16. Backdoorlarry
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    Backdoorlarry Active member

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    My wife was pissed when she found out I liked panties. Never heard the end of it.
     
  17. Parley
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    Parley Long term member

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  18. enslavedbyc
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    enslavedbyc Junior Member

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    This is EXACTLY correct!
     
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