How do you empower your wife?

Discussion in 'Female led relationships' started by Freaky Rabbit, Apr 15, 2022.

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  1. Freaky Rabbit
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    Freaky Rabbit Long term member

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    Hi guys (and ladies),
    Please share with me some tips to help empower my wife. I think she struggles with self image, weak discipline, and fear of setting boundaries and accomplishing her dreams.

    I hope to help her, and also hope she would become more dominant. She is not asking for help, but I just want to make her life better, but not only by doing everything for her, but also help her be empowered and more confident.

    One of the advises I got, and would also give to others, is to obey her wishes and commands.

    What other ways do you help your wife to be more empowered?
    Thanks
     
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  2. LockedTower
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    LockedTower Long term member

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    How can she ever Domme you if you feel like you can judge her this way..."weak discipline"... really? I wonder what she would say about you if she had the chance.
     
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  3. captivatedbyher
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    captivatedbyher romantic want to be

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    Have you surrendered all your sexual pleasure over to her? Dont wait for her to become dominate, you submit to her, refer to her yes mam no mam. Her confidence is directly tied to your relationship with her and how you treat her. Pursue her for romance, never for sex, dont even orgasm without her command, dont touch her without her permission.
     
  4. Byrdie
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    Byrdie Junior Member
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    I’d suggest researching kink-positive therapists in your area who are covered by your insurance, assuming you have any, and handing her the list after you’ve confirmed that she’s interested in seeing a professional about these challenges.
     
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  5. AlfaMan
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    AlfaMan Active member

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    Does your wife actually struggle with these issues, or do you just think she does? Maybe she’s not accomplishing your dreams rather than hers?
     
  6. WillieBDenied
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    WillieBDenied All men should be locked

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    Don't try to fix her, start by fixing yourself. Treat her as a Goddess. Do things for her without being asked. Put her pleasure before yours (in place of yours in fact). It sounds more like you are trying to mold her into something you want.
     
  7. Freaky Rabbit
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    Freaky Rabbit Long term member

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    OK, darn, this is harsh reality. Maybe I am trying to fix her, change her to my image. How do I stop this mind set?
     
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  8. boo
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    boo Long term member

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    tough crowd
     
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  9. TonyF25
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    TonyF25 Long term member

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    You can't just empower your wife to take charge. SHE HAS TO WANT TO. If not it is just role-play, that is fun for now , but gone when she gets tired of it. She has to have a dominant nature. She must be sure you trust and follow her. She has to know you won't rebel . It doesn't work for everyone, and you can't make it work if the desire is not there. My wife owner wants to be incharge. She keeps me in lock which I accept . If she decides I need to be punished, I accept that and cooperate.
     
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  10. LockedTower
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    LockedTower Long term member

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    I think you might try to listen to her much more closely and seek to understand what she is really saying to you and doing. You need to recognize that your wife was in all likelihood very capable of taking care of herself and getting the things she wanted and needed before you came along. She may go about doing this in very different ways than you are accustomed to. This could be especially true if she was raised in a male centric culture or home.

    You may be able to see this even in the way she speaks to you. She may say things that sound passive, but are in fact true expressions of her desires and you may not even hear them. It took me a while to realize that when my wife says something like "it would be nice if..." or "maybe we could do..." that I was hearing these statements as passive suggestions, but in reality these were thing she really wanted. I was responding with statements like "yea, or how about..." and she would often capitulate to my idea just so she didn't need to argue about it and explain herself further. I thought she was passive, but she was really just giving in to me to maintain harmony in our relationship. I still have to work hard to hear her and understand that when she says "I'm not sure I drank enough water today" that she really means "Get me a glass of water, right now!" It's sort of hard to believe, but once I started figuring this out and acting upon her desires, it became much more clear that she could be very dominant in her own way, but that I had to be able let her express herself in her way and hear what she was really saying and act upon whatever she said to serve her desires. Once I was better at doing this it has built on itself and she has become more expressive and more dominant and more of a leader than I ever expected she could be, even though it was really there all along and I just couldn't see it. The key was for me to get out of her way and to really listen to her and to try my level best to prioritize her desires and act accordingly. Like others have suggested, you may need to submit first so you open up the space for her to express her dominance, but you will need to let her do this in her own unique way which will be different from how you would do it or the way it happens inside your fantasies.

    Of course, I am projecting my experiences onto you and so could be totally wrong. Good luck.
     
  11. Headtrip
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    Headtrip Long term member

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    Try telling her when she does anything that "works" for you, and try not to dwell on the negative or tell her what to do (be honest, though, especially if she asks). My Queen started by randomly experimenting, and I felt some strange compulsion to tell her when something she did made me crave her. Within months she was combining that with what she liked to become very strong and confident.
     
  12. asastype
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    asastype Service sub to Mistress AMA

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    I think the issue is in how your phrase the question: to "empower" someone is to give them power. But all us subs can do is offer space for our Dimness to find and exercise Their own power.

    I've found that it works for me to be "actively submissive" along the lines of what @LockedTower said. While it's my fantasy to have my Domme take control ala Wonder Woman, She's much more likely to express Her dominance if i show submission first. It's like a feedback loop--i act submissive first and then the energy is returned as Her Domme power. It doesn't work every time and it's not immediate, but it trends in the right way.

    Best of luck on Your path.

    asa
     
  13. Xileh
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    Xileh Happily Serving

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    Actually, this is only a small part of the process. Thinking that by just obeying her, she will get out the whips, is just a fantasy.

    Most women don’t have the confidence to be dominant. That is not the model they were raised with, nor is generally accepted by society.

    If she agrees to try, you will be challenged to change much of how you have related to her and women in general. Not a small thing. And, the transition takes time. Potentially years.

    How many times have you corrected her driving? Or how she uses technology? How often are you critical of her for her own good? You will need to learn to acknowledge her, build her confidence, support her, accept her decisions, and support her leadership. And, don’t be phony about it. Most women are very attuned to phoniness.

    Make no mistake, you are proposing a major change to an existing relationship. It will not happen overnight, and will require a lot of communication about sex. Something most couples don’t talk about much. You need to be serious about this. If you work hard and succeed, you might end up working a lot harder.

    If you choose to follow through with it and she is willing, you have the opportunity to create an amazing new relationship, much deeper and satisfying than anything you have experienced. The best part for you, is to watch her grow and become confident. There is nothing more alluring than a confident and sexually aware woman.

    Good luck!
     
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  14. Xileh
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    Xileh Happily Serving

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    Well, how about experienced?
     
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  15. Freaky Rabbit
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    Freaky Rabbit Long term member

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    thanks for the advises. I asked her this morning if she wanted to be the head of the household and she said no, that it would be exhausting. But she said she likes to be in control. When she can get things her way, she is less likely to be hurt (I guess she means it mostly sexually). I try to follow her lead especially sexually. This morning she asked me to stop watching porn. OK, that will be hard one, but I know it is better for me and our relationship, so I will follow through, so she can see that I do what she wants.

    That is kind of advice I was looking for, so thank you for that. I can be critical. How do I give her feedback, if I think she could do something better?



    Asa, thanks. I have noticed this. When I let her lead, without too much suggesting or directing, she is more likely to take lead. I will try my best here :)

    I love the way you said she was able to take care of herself until I came along. So true. I really wish to empower her, so she feels independent. I guess I also crave more time for myself, not keep organizing everything myself. Thanks for the feedback. I will start listening more to her subtle ways I can support her.
     
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  16. Xileh
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    Xileh Happily Serving

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    If you want her to lead, you need to let her lead. It is just that simple and difficult.

    Rather than trying to empower her, just trust her and accept her direction. She will do things differently. And she may very well surprise you. That is how she will gain confidence. When you tell her she can do better, how will she feel?

    We have found it helpful to sit down over a glass of wine and chat about the past week. Use this time to discuss preferences, accept feedback, but not correct.

    Have you spent any time thinking about whether you are a submissive, or a bottom?
     
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  17. Darkhorse.SJ
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    Darkhorse.SJ Member

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    Basically this :- https://fetlife.com/groups/42/posts/20204803

    The key points from the thread + replies are :-

    • Communication is key if you want mutual satisfaction
    • Just because you're submissive, doesn't mean you have no input in how you like to be dominated
    • You should express your desires and then give your Dominant space to explore her own and how she wants to implement yours
    • Progress slow and steady with regular, honest feedback/chat sessions over a cuppa
    • Guiding, informing and suggesting are all good ways to help if your Dominant is less experienced than you
    • Try and avoid correcting or taking control during a session/scene. If something hasn't worked for you just let the scene play out to its conclusion and discuss it afterwards
    • Talk with your Dominant about her own and your favourite activities/kinks to discover where you align the most and the least
    • If you can identify common "themes" you can build activities/sessions together around those
    • Having a simple headspace system (i.e. "collar/cage on = sub mode" / "collar/cage off = regular life mode") can be useful, so that you both can easily identify when its time to get into your respective roles

    One final, but important point. No one gets to tell you how to set up, arrange, discuss or play with your partner or your D/s dynamic. The "Elder Kink Council" can fuck off. So can any internet rando (myself included) who tells you something and you find it doesn't work for you.

    Find what works for you both. And enjoy it :) It's meant to be fun afterall, not stressful.
     
  18. subhubandy
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    subhubandy CFnm loving sub hubby

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    I applaud your efforts and your goal. My suggestion is strive to serve her needs. She will notice your efforts and come to expect them.
     
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  19. Xileh
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    Xileh Happily Serving

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    @Freaky Rabbit has been around long enough to give him the respect of a straight answer. I’m pretty sure nothing was discussed that surprised him. His heart seems to be in the right place and I think honest opinions will give him the range of options he is looking for.

    As I reread the replies to his questions, he received some solid answers, many based on personal experience. Having followed most of the folks participating in this thread for last few years, I’d suggest they are worth listening to.

    I am sure that @Freaky Rabbit can and will sort through the replies and consider the ones that fit his needs the best, and toss the rest.
     
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  20. true42
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    Step one is to realize that you have it. Well done!

    Step two is to decide that it's worth changing yourself for her. Write down a plan of action, including things to watch out for in your own behavior, and a description of what your behavior should be, and then start working on it.

    Step three is to acknowledge it to her, and ask her to point out when you're "doing it".
     
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  21. Tarknassus
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    Tarknassus Wordy chastity nerdery.

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    Absolutely spot on (even if you are an "internet rando" who can be ignored lol).

    Communicate. When I was looking at our own marriage prior to coming back to chastity (and it all clicking somehow magically), every single damn article, book, video seemed to have one important thing: Communicate. Partners aren't mind-readers. Partners can't guess based on older experiences when something new is introduced. Partners can't always tell if you don't like something or you love it.

    It doesn't matter if you're the Dominant or the submissive, or top, bottom, whatever you are - it's all got to be talked about.

    I'd also say the second most important thing to do is this: Give. It. Time. Seriously.

    With good communication, and being prepared to give things time to settle into - it's giving a good foundation to being able and open to express desires, frustrations, limits, how it impacts your lives in your situation etc.

    As for empowering, the only thing I do is listen to my wife, hear her needs, wants, desires, and encourage those. If she second guesses, I will be 100% behind her decision she is second guessing. An example for me is - my wife often doesn't (didn't actually) like being waited upon by someone, more so her husband. She liked it (or tolerated it), but often said it felt selfish and self-centred. So I simply flipped those thoughts around - she deserved to be waited upon by someone who loves her very much. She is the centre of my world so why not feel self-centred in that regard? It's not about being abusively self-centred (like a PAY ATTENTION TO ME ALONE, I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOU, ME ME ME thing), but more a recognition that "My husband loves me enough to spend the entire evening at my feet, waiting for me to issue him something to do. I like this, I feel valued, special, he is making me the centre of his world."

    Because of that process (again, taking time to adjust etc), she now messages me some days during work telling me that is what I'll be doing that evening. I put her first. We have only one simple rule: I am allowed an hour after my return from working to myself before committing to her. We agreed on this and it works very well for us. This came from open communication with each other.

    So - Talk. Lots. Allow time for it to work. Lots. Find out what works for you two, and go from there, slowly.
     
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  22. Disciplined Boyfriend
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    Over the years we've done a few things to make Lady C more assertive and dominating. Haven't done any for a long while now.

    We've talked through various scenarios, talked about our expectations of each other. Also as others have suggested, be submissive and that'll make her feel more dominant. Ask permission for things including " can I speak".

    We've also tried punishment spankings where you tell her that she had to keep going until you say stop, because up to that point she's not hurting you.

    It's not going to happen overnight and it'll take a lot of aborted tries until she starts getting comfortable and wanting to do things her way.

    A
     
  23. Andy88
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    Andy88 Long term member

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    Not ez to lure a person out of her cocoon n switch to dominant role as wat u desired.. she has to take charge hersef.. once she expands her borders… theres no going bk.. u cant snap bk at her n reclaim yr male ego n priorities.. but i believe in money n sex.. r u d breadwiner..? Mayb u shd entrust her by leting her make som major financial decisions.. mayb u can entrust her with yr atm card or even yr bank financial paswrds... b clear n open with her of yr expenditure.. let her b confident in taking over d household.. b prudent.. u may wan to tread tis line slowly n carefuly.. for me.. it was ez.. she brings hom d bacon.. period. Asuming tat u r ald in chastity.. wats not empowering than to hand over ctrl of yr manhod to her..? Let her take over d initiation of sex, frequency of it n even necesity of orgasm on you.. while shes geting al hers.. nothing more loved, powerful n entitled a woman wil feel if her man orals her to satisfaction.. daily…
    Money n sex.. corupts a man but empowers a woman..
     
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  24. Deleted member 97201
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    #24 Deleted member 97201, May 25, 2022
    Last edited by a moderator: May 25, 2022
    My journey is different, I started off telling my wife what I want, what I expect. That didn't go well :)

    So I said that I really would like have her control when/if and how I get to orgasam. I want to share that experience with you and not be out masterbateing. She seems to like that idea :)

    Now the cage part :) I said this is a reminder you control my physical sexual emotions that I want to share with you. I don't want to have access to my cock outside of your presence.

    I have the key (she's not there yet). We take breaks on the weekend.

    I do all the dishes, laundry and house work. I'm naked wearing an apron cooking dinner, great her at the door and serve her dinner (while caged). Being caged seems to make you a little more focused :)

    After dinner, I will sit naked in front of her rubbing her feet (caged). Afterwards get some cloths on and we do life stuff :)

    Later that night in bed, I will uncage clean myself (she can see me from the bed) and dosnt want to supervise. Put the cage back on, stand naked before her, rub her feet, knee and anything else she wants.

    Afterwards, uncage,, get in bed naked (she doesn't want to mess with the removing of cage if she wants sex or tease) hopefully some day :) so I'm naked for her pleasure however she finds joy in that moment.

    Once we roll over I put the cage back on. Repeat process.

    Now on the weekends, uncaged I'm less motivated, so I'm trying to show her my emotional differences between locked and unlocked. I seem to serve her less.

    Ever person is different, I believe it begins with serving the other.
     
  25. Living Curious
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    Living Curious Long-term lockee

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    I was just about to copy and paste this into google translate...
     
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