How Can We Inspire Dominance?

To start with, this is all my opinion, apologies if it steps on anyone's toes.

There's more of a natural sense of entitlement to sex in men, is that testosterone, history, or even just the relative size and strength of us? I don't know. When I think of dominating a woman (I mean really geez) I would just demand what I wanted when I wanted and I'd expect to be obeyed. I wouldn't dwell on whether I should do it or what effect is it having and is that something I can live with. I'd just think well, she said she wanted this.

Perhaps when men want women to be dominant, they think that dominance can just be activated the same way they would activate it. But I believe that women are less likely to impose themselves for the inverse of the reasons I said in para 1. They are not ruled by testosterone, society is not there yet and we are rather larger physically. Sometimes women are very dominant but men don't even notice because it's not running down the path they would follow if they were on top.

This is turning into a ramble so I'll finish with this. My Wife and KH wants a clean house, she wants me to be an attentive husband, she wants attention and affection (in a respectful way), she wants me to be happy too. We men dial this chastity thing up to 10000 in our heads and need to accept that only through being pleasing and dedicated will we get anywhere near where we want to go. And now I'm getting soppy again so I'll go.

 

Well thank you for that. I tried to read it, although I can't say I understood the good majority of it. It isn't the easiest of reads.

What I did notice though is that all the reference material to that article is close to 30 years old, if not older.

I also specifically left out mentioning narcissists because dominance and narcissism are not mutually exclusive either. But while we are on that topic..

... the DSM-V has really updated their criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder. It came out 5 years ago which is pretty much brand-spanking-new in the world of psychology. Here's a copy....

http://www.psi.uba.ar/academica/car...ica_tr_personalidad_psicosis/material/dsm.pdf

I will post the criteria here for ease of reference (bolding, mine):

To diagnose narcissistic personality disorder, the following criteria must be met:

A. Significant impairments in personality functioning manifest by:

1. Impairments in self functioning (a or b):

a. Identity: Excessive reference to others for self-definition and self-esteem regulation; exaggerated self-appraisal may be inflated or deflated, or vacillate between extremes; emotional regulation mirrors fluctuations in self-esteem.

b. Self-direction: Goal-setting is based on gaining approval from others; personal standards are unreasonably high in order to see oneself as exceptional, or too low based on a sense of entitlement; often unaware of own motivations. ​

AND

2. Impairments in interpersonal functioning (a or b):

a. Empathy: Impaired ability to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others; excessively attuned to reactions of others, but only if perceived as relevant to self; over- or underestimate of own effect on others.

b. Intimacy: Relationships largely superficial and exist to serve self-esteem regulation; mutuality constrained by little genuine interest in others‟ experiences and predominance of a need for personal gain ​

B. Pathological personality traits in the following domain:

1. Antagonism, characterized by:

a. Grandiosity: Feelings of entitlement, either overt or covert; self-centeredness; firmly holding to the belief that one is better than others; condescending toward others.

b. Attention seeking: Excessive attempts to attract and be the focus of the attention of others; admiration seeking. ​

C. The impairments in personality functioning and the individual‟s personality trait expression are relatively stable across time and consistent across situations.

D. The impairments in personality functioning and the individual‟s personality trait expression are not better understood as normative for the individual‟s developmental stage or socio-cultural environment. E. The impairments in personality functioning and the individual‟s personality trait expression are not solely due to the direct physiological effects of a substance (e.g., a drug of abuse, medication) or a general medical condition (e.g., severe head trauma).

Don't get me wrong, I TOTALLY GET how there is a large number of submissives out who seek out a mistress/domme with such personality traits and all I have to say is - go on with your bad self!

To that end though, I am done with this conversation and bowing out. I know better. This is not my first narc rodeo, nor will it be my last (especially in this lifestyle).

Have a great night.

 

My take is: Dominance is relative. You can inspire dominance by submitting, but it has to be really submitting. If being in charge gets a person things they want, and they have explicit permission to get them, then everything snowballs.

However, that kind of dominance isn't the same as "teases me every night and makes me wear a french maid outfit while pegging me and..."

 

I dont think its a stretch for that to happen. Especially if both of you are already into chastity.

 

Personally I don't believe in (or like) putting people in boxes. There is an important principle in neuro psychology that says that people can learn everything. If they really want to, Bu not everybody is as talented to learn certain skills. As my teacher said: everybody can learn everything but not necessarily in this life. And people will never stop learning (or changing if you like).
I do agree with Mascara Snake that self esteem, confidence, but also positive reinforcement by the partner is crucial to learning.
I used to be a mannequin type of woman as well, and was quite defensive when my husband suggested other things. I have changed over the last couple of years, but I really have to work for it. It doesn't come naturally, but I do really enjoy it. By the way, same goes for the fitness with my personal trainer. I have to work hard for that to and I enjoy it. Difference is that training gives a you a nice feeling afterwards, sex gives you a fantastic feeling in the moment itself...
And I like not only the new sensations, but also how it makes my husband feel. I would call that love.
Main lesson for us is: communicate, communicate, communicate.

 

How about treating her with deference, love and respect at all times?

 

Such a great post. I agree and while I am trying to encourage my wife to be more dominant sexually, it is CLEAR to EVERYONE that she is the Dominant personality in our relationship. Even when we were in therapy for a short while the therapist noted that I was the "pleaser " in the relationship and often adopted that attitude of "grumpy slave" (yes she used that term) and she encouraged me to not be grumpy, if I did not want to do something to please my wife I should say it, and not just comply... Still have not got the hang of it. I WANT to comply, just not be grumpy (she actually told me to "Man up".... but that is NOT going to happen)

 

Depends on *why* you are both into chastity. For my wife it's about shifting the focus onto her and away from me. I doubt she'll ever peg me, and she's not interested in dressing me up in any way - it just doesn't fit her vibe.