Help needed for low sex drive.

Great post @Kadira. Guys, we need to read this again and again. I'd really appreciate it if your hubby would comment on his thought process, the "research" you mention, and the *actions* he took to *demonstrate* his intent to change. I'd appreciate hearing from you, too, about those actions. And where and when and how the chastity device came into this process. Real life examples of reviving intimacy and romance are so important (and a key thing that makes CM special).

 

Ditto. Please continue to share your story. Thanks!

 

In my opinion it’s essential to solve marital issues and have a healthy relationship before trying to introduce power exchange or bondage kinks into it. Before anything you need to know how to operate as a normal healthy couple, so trying to introduce FLR or chastity before being in a good relationship (or trying to use these things a solution) is a recipe to be trapped in a one-sided relationship where you don’t know how to operate without these kinks.

So no, it’s not “all about her”, it’s about the two of you, and the two need to put the effort to satisfy each other’s needs. You do need to “cater to her every need”, and so does she needs to cater to yours, otherwise you have a relationship with no reciprocity, where the needs of one partner are somehow less important than the needs of the other. That can be an interesting kink, but that’s all it is.

And honestly, if two people cannot satisfy what the other wants in a mutual way, with reciprocity, without having one partner’s needs being less important, and without one partner having to compromise instead finding a mutual balance, then maybe these two are not meant to be a couple.

Seriously it’s not hard, just make sure you are doing your best to please her, and hope that she will have the character to put the same investment to please you.

 

I am Kadira’s husband. I am not the best writer in the world and sometimes my whole thought does not make it onto the page sorry but it is what it is. @Fred.SM said what I was thinking and was not able to clearly word it for everyone. I will try and give everyone a peak into our marriage because when you get it right it really is amazing and fun. Every one should be able to experience what we have created and if I can help that’s great.

3 years ago our marriage was a mess. I can’t tell you how many times the question of divorce was on the tip of my tongue. It was maddening to me because I could not for the life of me figure out why things were the way they were. Why was our sex life so mechanical and non existent? Why did it feel like we were living together but separate? Why were the flames all but out in our marriage? These were the problems but I did not see it, It took me many months of self reflection to figure it out.

I loved my wife and she loved me but we were not a married couple. I spent many of nights sitting and reflecting on who I am and why things were the way they were. It did not take me long to realize the first thing I had to do was give up porn. I know I may not make many friends with this but porn is the devil. At least it was for me and I bet many of you too. I say this because I have researched the shit out of it and now know what it does to the brain. Guys your wives/girlfriends will probably never be able to compete with the fantasies running around in your head, if you are streaming porn all the time. So the first thing I did was give it up.
Like any addiction it took a couple of weeks to not have the urge anymore but trust me it passes.

The next problem was so much more difficult. How does one bring the romance back into a relationship when the other half wants nothing to do with sex or even with you. That is where we were 8 months after I stopped watching porn and entering self chastity (with no device). But that 8 months was not for nothing it had a purpose.

8 months of learning how to be a husband, 8 months of learning how to romance her and expecting nothing in return, 8 months of being treated exactly how I had been treated for years. It was an incredibly long 8 months but it was time. My wife still wanted nothing to do with romance even simple flirting was out and I had finally had enough. I was doing things to win her over and she was not seeing it. I remember the day she changed, the day our marriage started again, I will remember this day for ever.

“Being happy does not mean everything is perfect, it means you decided to see past the imperfections” this quote has hung in our kitchen for years. On that day my wife came home from work and I met her in the kitchen to hug her and I got more of the same old from her. I was done and I pointed to the sign in the kitchen, she looked at me and I saw something, I knew at that moment I won her over. We talked and I begged her to forgive me to let it go and move on. Was I perfect during the 8 months? nope. I fucked up more then once but I had been good enough to win her back.

Today about 18 months later from that date we are living in a flr under a contract that my wife wrote. I have been forbidden to have an orgasm without her permission, and teases and denies me with enthusiasm. One day she may even buy me a cage. 18 months later and I am still not locked. We practice chastity on the honor system and I have never cheated her. I went from 8 to 10 orgasms a week to about one a month and things could not be better.


I don’t know any one else’s situation and I can’t tell you how to get your wives/girlfriends to commit to this lifestyle. But I can tell you how not to try it. Don’t lock your dick in a cage. Seriously guys your wife/girlfriends want nothing to do with your kinks and you go and put a cage on your dick. You can’t force this down their throats it is just not going to work I tried for many years. Women use that head on their shoulders way more then we ever will, if you are not stimulating their brains then forget about it. You must figure out what gets your wife/girlfriends fire burning and doing the exact opposite of what they want/need will never work.

As @Fred.SM said your marriage must be on a strong foundation before this lifestyle will ever work. Good luck hope this helps.

 

Thanks, @Bonobo. Your story is inspirational -- you're obviously a man of real willpower and dedication.

 

I enjoyed your story very much. Strong case for chastity and FLR's. Thank you for sharing.

 

To touch on this specific issue... After out child was born, my wife was having body image issues. She had gained weight, stretch marks, etc. This was not a problem for me, but she had very significant issues with it, and didn't want me to see her naked, ever. This obviously put a damper on our sex life.

We addressed it by having me wear a locking blindfold that she was confident I could not see around, and my hands were usually restrained. She would then get as naked as she felt like, not worried about what I might think of her body. We'd play, often with only my mouth.

A little more extreme... Her libido stayed low for a long time. One activity that worked fornus was to have me wear a collar and with a chain that she'd attach to a chair in a way that I was held between her legs while she sat. I couldn't move forward or back, but she could. She'd read a book (often Anne Rice or such), and as she felt like it she'd slide forward (where I could reach her) or back (where I couldn't). This drove me wild too. This would sometimes get her into the mood for PIV, or a hand job for me, or sometimes the baby cried and we just moved on.

Point being... We found ways to address her (perceived) faults and insecurities, while slowly getting her more comfortable and back into the swing of things. The key was communication and trying things to figure out what we could do to help her feel comfortable and confident.

Just my $. 02...

 

I found increasing my consumption of healthy fats, meat, magnesium, zinc, arginine, garlic and performing heavy squats, presses, bench and deadlines 3 times per week with proper recovery will increase my sex drive . I would guess females would experience similar results.