Help needed for low sex drive.

Discussion in 'Chastity in vanilla life' started by Miss keyholder, Jul 9, 2018.

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  1. Shepherdsflock
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    Shepherdsflock Long term member

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    You just have to stop being lazy. Really, I know that seems like an asshole thing to say, but it’s the honest truth.

    My wife played the “low sex drive” card for years. Even after starting chastity play. She’d get really into it for several weeks, then leave me locked for a couple of months and not even realize it.

    I argued with her many times about her low sex drive, and she finally had her hormone levels checked. Perfectly normal. Had a gynecologist examine her woman parts, perfectly normal.

    It was really just a matter of her being lazy and not wanting to put some effort into our sexual relationship. Too much work is what it boiled down to.

    I finally gave her an ultimatum. I have never enjoyed porn, but I threatened to give up on chastity, go back to masturbating, and give porn a try since a make believe porn woman would have to more fun than a wife who won’t engage sexually.

    She decided on her own that we would have some kind of sexual activity every night that I am home (I travel a lot for work, 3-4 days per week). This has been going on for about three weeks now and she has only not kept her word one night and I gave her some slack since she had been up half the night before with a leg cramp.

    Although she still has some issues with her vagina (you can read my journal post about that) she has found that she is really starting to enjoy teasing me more and more and actually looks forward to it every night. She’ll even remind me if I am busy with housework or something and it’s getting late so we don’t miss play time.

    I remember one of our visits to her gynecologist when she examined her to make sure there weren’t any issues with her woman parts, and her gynecologist told her “90% of sexuality is in your head”. If you don’t decide in your mind to do sexual things and engage with your husband, it will never happen. But the more you do it, the more you’ll think about it and enjoy it.
     
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  2. Lann
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    Lann Active member

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    This is so true. Not in every case, but it was in mine.

    My wife kept claiming low sex drive as an excuse to not have sex. We were in a borderline sexless marriage for years. She'd say she enjoyed sex, but would stop me everytime i tried to turn her on.

    In the end, after the last late night fight we've had, she finally decided to stop shutting me down when of try to turn her on. We went from borderline sexless to having great sex 3-5 times a week in less than a month. She started initiating more. That was at least 3 years ago.

    Now she is starting to love locking me up. And no... The irony isn't lost on either of us lol.

    The point is, you have to have sex in order to increase your sex drive. Often times low sex drive women tend to use the low drive as an excuse to not have sex. Don't feel bad about it, I'm not trying to diminish what you are going through.

    It is kind of like how you have to make a conscious choice to be happy and how depression causes thought patterns that propagate the problem.

    Funny how the human brain works against itself.
     
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  3. Robinoh
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    Robinoh Active member

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    Thank you for the different perspective! We have basically been sexless for 3 years or so. I have tried the softer more understanding approach to no avail. My wife blames life stress and menopause for the low sex drive. Legitimate reasons to a point. But to NEVER have a physical desire seems more mental than physical.

    I have shared my concerns for us and mentioned masturbation and porn. She always seems disappointed in me but not enough to change. An ultimatum may be the only solution at this point. I love her dearly and desire her constantly locked up or not.

    I have shared my chastity ideas with her with very little interest. She just has ZERO sexual desires or needs anymore.

    I’m looking for any and all advice on breaking this trend and or presenting an ultimatum to her. It’s gotten to the point where PIV isn’t even the goal anymore. I’d just like to be able to pleasure her and enjoy the results of that with me remaining locked and denied to show her it’s not just about my pleasure. Thanks in advance!
     
  4. Bonobo
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    Bonobo Long term member

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    Life is short and we all have a right to be happy. If you truly believe you have done all you can do to make the marriage work and it’s not then maybe it’s time to go your separate ways.
     
  5. Shepherdsflock
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    Shepherdsflock Long term member

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    Menopause is just an excuse. My wife turned 40 in December and this went on for over nine years prior to that. Menopause wasn’t her problem, though she would act like a menopausal woman when it came to sex.

    There are plenty of menopausal women who enjoy sex. They might stop enjoying intercourse and penetration, but a lot of women have better orgasms when menopausal.
     
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  6. Robinoh
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    Robinoh Active member

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    It’s so good to hear I’m not alone in this.
     
  7. DonnaSue
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    DonnaSue Long term member

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    We experienced very similar things - her "low sex drive" and my over-th-top need to wank. She began by caging me and putting me on a milking schedule to "even things out a bit" . She has always hated my masturbating! Once I became more docile and submissive, my focus naturally turned to finding new ways to satisfying and pleasuring Her. This brought things into better balance and made for a renewed sexual energy in Her. Now, we have a great sex live - but only when She says so!
     
  8. Robinoh
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    Robinoh Active member

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    How did you get her to cage you and put you on a milking schedule? We’ve discussed my “habit” and she says she’s so disappointed by it but then nothing... I have told her that the cage will stop it and she’s in control if she wants to be but there’s just nothing after that. I’ve offered to pamper her and please her without intercourse as she says it hurts. I know if she’ll just try she’ll be hooked!
     
  9. Bonobo
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    Bonobo Long term member

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    Try reading this post now that you have written it. When I read it All I read is you want her to fix your problem. The truth is you have to fix your problem. Porn distorts how we approach intimacy and not in a good way. There is plenty of research out there if you want to get into how it manipulates us. You have an addiction and like any addiction only you can fix it.

    The disappointment your wife is experiencing is probably what is keeping her from enjoying being intimate with you. Maybe she is hurt and feeling like she could never compete with that fake bullshit you are watching on that stupid screen. You are asking her to put herself in an impossible position. It is impossible for her to compete with some actors and actresses so why bother trying in the end she will just be hurt.

    So how about you actually look inside yourself and figure out how to fix yourself. If you really TRY you can end the addiction and then approach your wife and try and fix the marriage. This will not repair itself in a week or two I would expect this journey to be months to years in the making. Ask me how I know. Good luck it is amazing if you can figure it out.
     
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  10. Robinoh
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    Robinoh Active member

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    I’d agree if you were right. I’ve pretty much stopped looking at all porn and just locked myself and tried to be a better husband the last 30 days or so. I felt like I was getting addicted so I went cold turkey.

    I don’t like disappointing her. So I just let her be most days and nights. Sex or intimacy is not talked about.

    But after reading these posts I feel the time has come to have another discussion regarding my feelings and needs. Maybe she’ll understand what I’ve given up for her and my own well being and allow me to give her and in turn myself some pleasure.
     
  11. DonnaSue
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    DonnaSue Long term member

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    I think that @Bonobo is right. The problem goes much deeper than is apparent. Women generally can't stand even thinking about their men masturbating! Many see that as them being undesirable somehow that you would rather wank over porn than be intimate with her.

    As always, communication is the key here, IMHO. You and your wife have to open up the discussion about nasty little things like your wanking and how this makes her feel. When we first had that level of discussion, we tried chastity on the honor system - with my porn and wanking being strictly off limits. Later, when I had to confess to being dishonorable, the cage was introduced as a more physical, lock & key solution for the problem, which it has proven to be. Even now, I am only caged when She is at work and very rarely when She is at home. This seems to work best for us.

    It's all a journey and solutions won't happen overnight and probably not in the way that you might expect them to occur. All I can tell you for sure that good communication is always a good thing!
     
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  12. Bonobo
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    Bonobo Long term member

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    U
    Try reading this one you blame your wife here also. So in 2 of 3 post you manage to put the problem in your wife’s lap instead of owning it. And then when this is pointed out you double down and still don’t accept what is going on.
     
  13. Robinoh
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    I don’t blame her ever. I was merely stating the facts. Call it blame if you choose. I know the truth. Is it maddening and disappointing ABSOLUTELY. Do I blame her for her feelings NEVER. So far you’ve suggested divorce and that I’m a porn addict and that I believe it’s all her fault. I may have issues I know that but you’re off base. Thanks for the help.
     
  14. Bonobo
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    Bonobo Long term member

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    i am just reading your words. You said you need your dicked locked up to prevent jerking off. That’s called addiction my friend. Ask me how I know.
     
  15. Bonobo
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    Bonobo Long term member

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    You said you have been trying for three years. My suggestion of divorce is A serious one. Maybe you two have grown so far apart that it is just time to part ways I can’t answer this.
     
  16. Rectrix
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    Rectrix Long term member

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    Really happy to hear this SF, seems like a big development from what I've been reading in your posts about possible gyno issues and purportedly painful sex. Good news!
     
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  17. Guest 3729
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    My mistress and I have a similar instance that we've been working through over the last few years. My mistress didn't always have a low sex drive, it was actually fairly high. After our child came along things started to change, she was heavier, she had stretch marks and body conscious as well, she'd been laid off from her job, then a string of jobs that weren't worthy of her. Lots and lots of stress. She decided she wanted to go to graduate school so she could get the professional career she's wanted. All these factors caused a lot stress and anxiety in her/ our lives. Like you, she takes an anti depressant and she has told me how that has also effected her sex drive.

    I asked her to lock me and be my mistress because I felt our closeness and intimacy drifting. I was pleasuring myself to often and I started to feel really guilty. It got to the point where we weren't having sex except for every couple of months. I wanted us to try something that would rekindle the fire we lost. Chastity was that spark but that's all it was was a spark. We've been living the chastity lifestyle for over 3 years now and it's been a very slow process for us. There was a lot of learning about ourselves and what we wanted and what was important to us. Sex isn't as plentiful as I hoped but it's not up to me it's up to her. What had grown substantially was our intimacy and desire for each other even with minimal sex.

    You and my mistress sound fairly similar in the brief description of yourself. Male chastity is about overall happiness for you and your partner but it has more to do with your (the key holders) ultimate happiness. Maybe not focus so much on the sex but focus on intimacy. Find what gets you arroused and make that your/his focus, start with what gets you excited and build from that. You are not the only person who has a low sex drive it is extremely common for a lot of people so you're not alone. I hope this helps and off you wanted to talk to my mistress about any of this feel fee to PM me and I can direct any questions her way. I don't think low sex drive is anything that can be instantly turned around but it can be changed and you can get your drive back.
     
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  18. Fred.SM
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    Honestly, I bet the majority of women who use the low sex drive excuse fall into one of these categories:
    - Women whose partners have no idea on how to please the wife, so sex becomes either a chore or something to be dreaded
    - Women who are not having their emotional needs met. Most men can have sex whether they feel connected to their wives or not, but women usually need to feel the connection before getting intimate.

    The key to these issues is communication, as always. So even before considering patching things with a bondage kink (like chastity), focus on solving these issues first. Talk about what you two like in bed, talk about any unresolved feelings or resentment. There is very little that cant be solved if both put the effort.
     
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  19. Shepherdsflock
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    Shepherdsflock Long term member

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    Big in some ways, but she still doesn’t want to get aroused. She has fun teasing me, but doesn’t want me stimulating her clitoris.
     
  20. DonnaSue
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    DonnaSue Long term member

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    @Fred.SM is correct! Communications or the lack of it usually underlies all problems these days, IMHO
     
  21. Kadira
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    Let me speak from experience.....30 days is nothing! If there are issues or if what Bonobo is saying is true she’s just thinking it’s a faze and you’re just playing a part. That it’s not real and you’ll be back to your old ways again soon enough. Or she’s thinking it’s all just words.

    I’m curious...in what ways have you been better the past 30 days?

    To truly show her you mean it and to me increase the odds that you’ll get what you desire in the end it needs to be ALL ABOUT HER! Show her constantly how attentive you can be to her needs and put your needs on a shelf. Use your sexual desires and frustrations to making her your queen and catering to her every need. These things don’t need to be sexual at all and probably shouldn’t be at this time. If she’s had a busy day have her sit on the couch, you get her a snack or drink of something she likes. Surprise her. Rub her feet , offer to paint her nails, no words needed- no asking - just show her that she is your number 1. Eventually she may turn around once she knows it’s not a faze. Ask me how I know!!! ☺️
     
  22. Rectrix
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    Rectrix Long term member

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    Thank you @Kadira. We boys need to be reminded by you keyholders over and over of this most fundamental point. Make it about her. I know I'm not just going through a phase, this is who I am, this is how I want to live, this fosters the intimacy I want to have in my marriage.
     
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  23. Kadira
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    This is soooo true.
     
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  24. Robinoh
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    @Kadira thank you for the response. So how do you know? I had to ask... you told me to.

    I’ve always been a husband who tried to do more than the norm. I’m going to increase that without asking or expecting anything in return. Hopefully she’ll see that it’s not a faze but who I am and who I want to be for her. Please continue to add your thoughts when possible. Thanks
     
  25. Kadira
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    I know because that’s what happened to me. My husband and I have been together for 14 years. He was very much into porn (I only now found out truly how much). He frequently commented on how he wanted me to be more dominatrix and when I tried it wasn’t right or good enough. Our sex life was a battle for years as I didn’t want to be that type of person wielding whips and chains and leather and talking dirty talk. I could have written a play by play book of our bedroom time because it was so boring and through the motions. I never wanted to have sex because I got nothing out of it. The goal was to get him off and if I got one in the process it was
    good too...

    He would try on occasions to be nicer and a better husband but then if I didn’t totally change my behavior toward him an argument would ensue about how hard he’s been trying and I’m not giving him what he wants so why should he give me what I want. (He wants kink and I want romance. Neither gets what they want without giving out what the other desires —— but who makes the first move when it’s a catch22?

    Eventually my husband did some soul searching and realized that he is great at many things but why is his marriage failing? We couldn’t be in the same room without arguing about everything. But he kept thinking about for years I said I wanted romance. He thought he was giving me romance until he researched and really saw what it entailed. More than a hand hold here and there.

    So he started to change but I didn’t bite. His changes to me were very subtle but to him they were mountains. It took a better part of 6 months for me to really see his efforts as changes and kept saying that I’m just waiting for it to go back the same as it was. He repeatedly reminded me that he wasn’t going back and this is the new him. It’s been over a year and while I’m a believer now there are times something occurs in our day and I fear the old ways will return. But now that we have figured out the sub and Domme role a little more I’m feeling more comfortable.

    Reading “how to setup and FLR” by Georgia Ivey Green helped a lot too.

    So as I said it takes a lot of time and effort to prove it’s not a phase especially when it’s an opposite approach than you’ve used in the past. Many times when he would do something nice I would think to myself “hmm wonder what he wants?” As usually he would be all sweet and romancey and then it would be gone as soon as we had sex. So yes I equated him being romantic - to him just wanting to get laid whether that was how he was seeing it who knows you would have to ask him. But that is why I say it takes time and effort and a lot of repetition. And I’m sure it will be tough but hold your ground and move forward and let her come to the realization and just reinforce that it’s you and not a phase.
     
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