Help needed for low sex drive.

Discussion in 'Chastity in vanilla life' started by Miss keyholder, Jul 9, 2018.

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  1. Miss keyholder
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    Miss keyholder New Member

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    My husband and I have always had a crap sex life which is completely down to me and my low sex drive.
    We have a great relationship, we are open and honest and can talk about anything.
    We have been together for 17 years and all is great apart from the non existent sex life.
    He started pleasing himself and ended up doing it so much that he couldn't get or lost his erection when we did have sex.
    He discovered chastity about a year ago and we have been trying on and off ever since.
    The downfall is always that he ends up locked away for weeks at a time with no input or effort from me. He is always very patient and tries not to pressure me but he will eventually say that he needs to get out and I just hand him the key rather than suggest anything else.
    I am very self conscious and not at all body confident. I suffer from anxiety and depression and take medication for it as well as the contraceptive pill and have read that these can make things worse so i came off the pill and started taking a herbal energy booster and libido enhancer but despite having more energy I still have no sex drive.
    Does anyone have any advice or suggestions for anything else that I can do/take to help please?
     
  2. Mistress B
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    Mistress B Mistress B

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    Rather then ask on here, wouldn't it be wiser to see your local GP. There might be some medical reason for this.
     
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  3. Miss keyholder
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    Miss keyholder New Member

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    Tried that. Useless. Hoped that someone had been in a similar situation.
     
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  4. paulie slave
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    paulie slave Locked house husband

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    I'm not a doctor or a woman so I may be miles of the mark here but in my experience SSRI antidepressants kill my sex drive. Maybe see your GP and ask to switch to a different (probably older) type of med?
     
  5. Mandynjack
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    Mandynjack Well-Known Member

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    Any mental health issues are unique to the individual, so even another with depression, anxiety etc is unlikely to have the same uplift triggers you have, that's why it sucks. That said, a few things come to mind. YOU are in control of him! YOU get to decide how long he stays locked and YOU decide whether he gets any pleasure. Stop fretting over the things you currently find difficult and exploit more the things he is making easier for you. Stop worrying about your lack of sex drive and think about hoe you can take advantage of his submissive nature. You may just find something in this that does pique your happy triggers. You are a valuable and worthwhile person, see what you can make of this situation, you count!
     
  6. Gigaman
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    Gigaman Active Member

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    One idea comes to my mind but you must forgive my as it only address his needs and not yours, but it sounds like you are worried about his needs right now. Don’t worry, my wife was the same way in the beginning but once you stick with it and get some confidence that worry will evaporate.

    I really believe you should take Mandynjack advice as it address what really needs to happen but since you asked for ideas here’s mine.

    maybe you can try what my mistress does to me. She keeps all of her clothes on and sits on the bed while I am allowed to masterbate in front of her while on my knees. If you don’t know it’s called CFNM, look it if if you need to. This should help you with three items.
    1 you don’t need to reveal you naked body to him, in fact you can even wear sweets if you want, I’m sure he won’t mind.
    2 he will get some relief, but only when you allow it so you keep control.
    3 your not really having sex with him so hopefully with a low sex drive it won’t turn you off to much. He will have to be a good boy for you to have what my wife calls supervised masterbation.
     
  7. boisub
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    boisub Well-Known Member

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    This is an excellent approach!

    I would just add, if you want to mostly just ignore him while he’s masturbating for you, like if you read a book or surf the web on your phone, he may enjoy it even more!

    It’s really not that different than just handing him his key, except for the message around it: “I am choosing to let you do this at this time because it makes you happy, but I have no interest in it. When you’re done (if I give you long enough to finish), clean up the filthy mess you’ve made and lock yourself back up immediately. I’m leaving that to you because I’m so bored by your cock that I want you to take care of all its tedious needs. It had just better be locked up when I check. And don’t make me regret letting you out by being less submissive once I’ve given you this treat.”

    Just a simple reframing of what your low sex drive means can make all the difference. Stop blaming yourself and consider the fact that he’s unable to satisfy you sexually (the reason that’s so is immaterial. You’re the dominant partner so whatever you say the reason is, it is). His cock is too small. He’s not man enough. His oral technique lacks finesse. Invent a reason that he’s not allowed to touch you sexually and make that the insurmountable obstacle that will keep him frustrated and forbidden access to your body. All he gets is the occasional solo wank when you’re feeling generous.

    I don’t know how your husband would react to this kind of treatment, but it would drive me wild. And if he doesn’t like it? Well, he did hand you the key, so too bad for him!
     
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  8. Digital
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    Digital Locked: 15 July 2018 / Denied: 26 May 2018

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    @Miss keyholder sorry to hear about your struggles but hopefully the people on the mansion can find a way to help.

    What stood out to me in your post was your lack of confidence and anxiety. I know how much they can trap you in a prison and make it hard to escape and enjoy life.

    But you shouldn't underestimate the power of a small step in the right direction. If you can find something which helps it can give you something to build on.

    It sounds like you have a very close relationship with your partner but it sounds like you worry a lot about fulfilling his needs. Maybe you should both try and focus on something that gets you excited and helps make you feel confident.
    It doesn't have to be something sexual to start with. Maybe something simple like helping you shop for a new outfit might help spark things up.
    It needs to be something simple where he can help you feel special and see how beautiful you really are. (Beauty has many forms yet we're often brainwashed into seeing a limited slice of the spectrum). If he can help you feel special and more attractive then maybe you will feel more confident to open up and enjoy exploring more your more sexual and kinky side when you have more solid foundations.

    What ever you try, don't expect instant miraculous results. It will take time. You will have barriers to overcome to boost your self confidence and he will probably struggle with giving you the reassurrance you need. But if you can be patient and persevere while being completely honest and open with each other you should be able to navigate the hurdles ahead.

    Wish you both all the best in overcoming the challenges you face ahead.
     
  9. filltee
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    filltee Junior Member

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    Any kind of medication can potentially influence your libido and unfortunately that is almost invariably negatively. You do need to consult someone that knows what they are talking about .. ask your regular GP to refer you to someone.

    You also mentioned that you have stopped taking contraceptive medication. You may be unconsciously suffering from some anxieties about pregnancy which have been known to put a damper on things.

    Sterilization for one of you may provide a solution to that, obviously a vasectomy for him is less invasive, and he can freeze some sperm if that's a concern. This could potentially give you all the peace of mind you need and if he's reasonable I can't imagine him objecting, especially given what he may imagine might be the possible benefits.

    Alternatively as he is into chastity ... try really take charge and don't let him get his penis (or his sperm) anywhere near where it could potentially get you pregnant.

    I had a new gf it was still very early who was really hung up about both pregnancy, not an issue with me, and me being like her preceding husband and partner completely unfaithful. A long story i wont go into but it gave me an opportunity I thought far to early into the relationship to introduce male chastity. Which completely alleviated her concerns re fidelity and all orgasm hang up barriers were very much removed. Which worked out amazing well for us for a long time.
     
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  10. miss j
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    miss j New Member

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    So I have read your post and iam sorry to hear you suffer with anxiety and depression along with low sex drive, I know from experience it hard, have you tried speaking to your GP about changing your SSRI pill or even lowering the dose? You said your trying herbs and they haven’t increased your libido but have you thought about asking your GP about referring you to relate for sex counselling? This may help with your anxiety and body confidents issues you have which in turn maybe affecting the desire to have sex.


    I used to suffer with body confidents and anxiety issues most of my life as I am on the bigger side but I found a man who loved me for who I am and loved my larger shape and that has helped me over time become more confident It just takes time.


    Its sounds like you are trying different things and hopefully you will find something that helps you increase your sex drive but in the meantime my advice for making the most out of your situation until you find the help you need and your desire for sex reignites. Take control of his orgasms whether or not that is through sex or not. He brought chastity to you to help curb his masturbating habit and help reignite your sex lives so why not take advantage of it.


    Your husband sound committed to you and patient but yet he probably gets frustrated which leads to arguing and then everybody is unhappy you feel guilty and hand him the key, he feels an arse and doesn’t want to do it on his own then you go round in circles.


    There is some good advice on this tread don’t just hand him the key because hes frustrated or you feel guilty make him work for it, Gigamans has an awesome answer (CFNM) Say to him you have found a solution and whilst you maybe vanilla be strong and say you can have the key but you have to masturbate in front of me.


    Rules, I decide when you get the key and how you do it and there is to be no mention or asking to get out or you will have to wait longer. I think this is a good starting point for both of you you’re still controlling his orgasms which he wants without having to do anything you’re not up for. Personally I would start this off outside the bedroom so you don’t feel any pressure.


    Also you can still make it fun

    You have to edge yourself for 15mins/20mins etc

    Edge yourself for 15mins and when your about to cum let go (ruined orgasm)

    Start stop game, let him out and during the course of the evening you tell him to start wanking then stop when you think he’s starting to enjoyed it, you can do this for hours and all your doing is saying start/stop.

    Sorry but here’s my naughty bit, if he has pissed you of at some point make a mental note and have him where a condom next time he masturbates then say you want it clean by the time you have made a coffee.

    Always ask for permission to cum and where like in his hand then clean it up..

    Minimum effort maximum effect!


    Mix it up a bit, if you just let him out to wank it might get boing for him but remember you’re not having to do anything other than say how you want him to masturbate and if at some point it you get in the mood and turned on then have him please you.


    Hope this helps good like and keep us posted x
     
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  11. Sarah8
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    Sarah8 My husband holds my collar and I hold his key

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    Hello,

    It looks like you've already got a lot of great advice but I'll toss in my opinion too since it's a little out of the ordinary.

    I'm not sure you can honestly take all the blame on youself. Even if you have a really low sex drive and he's super hot it's still a two way street. In my relationship my husband and I both owe it to each other to make sure we are each getting the exact amount of sexy time we want.

    That means sometimes we go out of our way to do things for each other even if we really aren't in the mood ND other times we don't even if one of us really wants it. It's a give and take but I think there are a lot of fun ways you guys can be intimate even if you aren't in the mood for sex as often as he deserves.
    Have you spent much time soul searching to figure out what gets you turned on? For most of my life my only sexual fantasy was to find a really sexy guy that absolutely loved me. =)

    There really wasn't a lot to it. Overtime I started to develop a more more detailed picture of what I wanted and I discovered so many different things that get me excited. I think one of the first things you could do is set aside some time each week to read erotic stories and explore your sexuality on your own. Find a hand full of things that really get you going even if they aren't anything you'd be comfortable sharing with hubs.

    In short try to get yourself aroused more often. Then take those things you find and see if there is a place for them in your sex life. For me it's talking sexy. I want my husband to say everything he's doing. He's got a sexy voice and just hearing him talk about what he's doing drives me wild. Whatever you find just keep exploring your sexuality for a little while each week. Set yourself some alone time and make time for it.


    That sounds pretty hard on him but you obviously want to please him. Now you've just got to figure out how you can without feeling like you're having to force yourself to. I'd start off focusing on just being more intimate together. Make yourself a rule that every single day when you first see each other after getting home from work that you'll stop whatever you are doing and give each other a big hug and a passionate kiss. Seriously nothing says I missed you like a hug and a solid 5 seconds of kissing.

    The smallest things can add so much thrill to his chastity experience. Can you find a few minutes each day to lay a hand on his cage until he starts to throb? We like to spend 10 or 15 minutes before bed cuddling and just resting my knee on his cage drives him wild. Could you find time for a foot rub ever day? Rest one foot on his cage while he massages the other one. If you can steal one moment from the day to make him swell in his cage he will never stop thinking about you.
    That doesn't sound like it's very much fun for either of you. When I'm not really in the mood for sex a hand job is a great way to show him how much you appreciate him. I'm not talking about you stopping what you are doing and getting him off real fast. If he's been denied for weeks on end make it special for him and take your time.

    What I do is have him lay on the couch with one leg on the back and the other on the floor so I'm sitting in between his legs. I'll be watching TV or doing stuff on my tablet and I'll just stroke him as long as I can. When he gets close he tells me and I slowdown or stop for a bit. Then wheneverI'm ready to stop I let him have an amazing orgasm and he spends the rest of the day thanking me.

    When we first started doing this we talked a lot but now I have him look up something sexy on his tablet and I just keep watching TV or whatever until I've edged him a while. I feel like it's the least I can do for him and he absolutely loves it.


    I can't speak to the medical side of things but I'd spend some time thinking about what kind of keyholer you want to be for your husband. Not what he wants but figure out if chastity has a place in your relationship at all and if so how do you want to use it to get what you want out of your sex life while at the same time giving him what he wants.

    You guys owe it to yourself to put some effort into creating a sex life you are both happy with and only you can decide what that is. Maybe you have no sex drive and you are comfortable that way. That's fine. There are plenty of ways you can use chastity and a small amount of effort each week to give your hubs the sex life of his dreams.

    Feel free to start a conversation with me if you'd like to discuss more ideas.
     
  12. iome343
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    iome343 Active Member

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  13. Jessica Alexander
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    Jessica Alexander Well-Known Member

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    You may want to get your hormones checked. Women need a certain amount of testosterone for a healthy sex drive and it can help with mood and energy levels. You may be within the “normal range” but need to be at the high end of the normal range for optimal results.
     
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  14. Fred.SM
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    Honestly, to me this is all about putting some effort, knowing what you want, and being proactive. If both partners do that it’s pretty hard for things to get stale.

    Now let’s take the obvious out of the way and assume you both put reasonable effort to remain attractive, because that is usually the first reason for the downfall of sex drive. I know that if I let myself go and become some 300lb neckbeard my wife would definitely lose some attraction to me. I try my best to never pull the pin on the fat grenade and stay reasonably fit.

    Second, if the relationship is going well there should be constant and regular non-sexual intimacy between the two, and it doesn’t take that much effort to turn these moments sexual by trying to put the other on the mood. So for example, you’re both on the couch cuddling and spooning while watching a movie. When the movie ends it’s pretty easy for one of you (or both) to start caressing, making out, and trying to get the other on the mood. It might take a while, but both can get there by putting the effort to please the other.

    If these spontaneous moments don’t work, you two can try doing something more elaborated or planned to get things started, but to me the foundation of the sex life will always be these unscripted moments. So for example, you two can schedule an erotic massage, or take some evening to stay in bed enjoying each other. This is where knowing what you like comes in place, take the time to do these things for each other.

    To me chastity can be a good complement to a relationship that is already on track. You need a solid foundation to build this sort of fetish. If the relationship is flawed you should probably work on fixing it before introducing new elements. A physical restraint on your partner’s balls will not be the thing that saves your sex life.
     
  15. Miss keyholder
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    Miss keyholder New Member

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    So much really great advice here. thank you all.
    Pregnancy isn't an issue as we are using protection (& hubs is booked in for the snip!)
    It is definitely down to my confidence (even though he loves how i look) and low energy, he is trying so hard to please me outside of the bedroom and apart from a quick 'thanks' gets no reward.
    I am not really into the dom/sub relationship - yet, maybe we can progress to that though.
    I just want to fix this last/only issue that we have.

    I will book into GP and explore all of your tips.

    Thanks again everyone :)
     
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  16. Bonobo
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    Bonobo Active Member

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  17. Design is me
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    Design is me New Member

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    My wife has a similar problem with her sex drive. We have been married for 24 years and the beginning her sex drive was fine, but since she started birth control years ago her sex drive dropped. Her cycle was more even without the emotional lows, but it also seemed to kill the highs as well. We decided that not having the lows was worth it and she has stayed on birth control.
    One time when we were on a bit of a rough spot, I decided to withhold sex from her. Well three months later I had to give in. She could have gone on forever.
    One thing I have noticed is she gets in the mood when I pamper her and treat her like the queen she is. Her behavior has changed since we have started this life style and we have a scheduled release day once a week for sex. That has helped a lot and has tripled the times we have sex.
    You could also try to act sexy for him and see if his reaction to you gets you going. It's possible that by changing your behavior you can bring on the behavior that you want. Just like they say, "if you want to be happy, then act like your happy." You can choose how you feel.
    Not sure if this helps, but I think you can make it happen. You are trying which proves that you love your husband and want your marriage to work
    Good luck!
     
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  18. Dogchasecats
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    Dogchasecats Princess Elizabeth

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    Dogchasecats Princess Elizabeth

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  20. Dogchasecats
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    Dogchasecats Princess Elizabeth

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    If you have a low sex drive you can still boss him around and “act” like you have power. It increases a women’s testosterone and that helps sex drive. I am not sure what the numbers are-like how much this helps. It may help.
     
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  21. Design is me
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    Design is me New Member

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    Exactly!
     
  22. Fred.SM
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    Fred.SM New Member

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    Testosterone levels can vary temporarily in men and women based on diet, activity level, obesity, mood, sleep, stress, and a multitude of factors. All can cause a marginal increase or decrease in your baseline level, but to conclude this will have any meaningful impact on things like sex drive is a big reach, especially given how temporary and marginal these changes are.

    Even in men, the only cases of noticeable and consistent increase in sex drive happens when you take exogenous testosterone (e.g. steroids). These will spike your baseline levels by 300-500%, that’s how much it takes to change what your genetics gave you.

    One of the biggest spikes you can naturally cause in testosterone that has been measured is to do some heavy compound exercise that uses multiple muscles (e.g. heavy squats), and even then it will not go over a ~15% increase for a day or so. And needless to say, countless people do these exercises all the time and it’s not enough to have any impact other than growing your legs.

    So yeah, I wouldn’t go whipping someone you love or acting like you’re the boss of them just yet. It’s fine as a silly roleplay, but that’s all it is.
     
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  23. Design is me
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    Design is me New Member

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    i guess you haven't heard of behavioral science. Whether testosterone increases or not, changing behavior can change your mood. How does one get out of a depressed mood? You do something that you enjoy to make yourself feel happy.
    I'm just saying that she can try to change her behavior to get in the mood for sex. It's what her husband wants anyway.
    and I wouldn't put down whipping here, it seems to be pretty popular.
     
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  24. Fred.SM
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    Fred.SM New Member

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    And I guess you haven't read my first comment at all, since literally the first thing I said is "Honestly, to me this is all about putting some effort".
    So yes, obviously putting the effort to act a certain way (e.g. be more sexual) is the primarily solution to having a low sex drive. That is pretty much what I said.
     
  25. Design is me
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    Design is me New Member

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    i am glad we agree, but your last comment was pretty flippant.
     
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