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Help me understand what my wife is saying?

Discussion in 'The Powder Room' started by 405Ginger, May 8, 2017.

  1. I bought her a keyholder book, she read it.
    In it are various chapters and subjects on what to do to your chaste and what he or she should do to you.
    The chapter on cross dressing came up last night in conversation. Her saying oh I don't think I want you to "go all the way" referring to a sissy maid outfit and heels and cleaning the house. I said oh ok, that's fine in a passive way. With her following that up with I do want you to wear some panties, you would go buy them. And then quickly ended that conversation as I said ok. I've heard that most women are either fully into the idea or not at all. What is your take on this?
    Is she building me up to a much more involved dressing or do you think she is keeping it at panties?
    Patsey Belle likes this.
  2. If that is exciting for you, do as you are told. Buy panties. Go slow and praise her all the way through the process. If she wants more and is comfortable with it, she'll tell you.

    Most importantly, go slow.
    Patsey Belle, RGL and manintyres like this.
  3. Even she probably doesn't know yet!

    Don't try to top from below, just go out and buy some ordinary everyday ones, plain white.

    Also some really cute pink ones, but don't go too frilly

    Put them in the drawer, throw out the underpants.

    Just wear the everyday ones, everyday.
    Wear the pretty ones when she may see them.

    Make a special effort to be even more helpful around the house.

    More attentive and let her take the lead more.

    I'd think she is feeling her way, one little step at a time.

  4. Yes, give her the space to explore. It's important she feels in control.
    Patsey Belle and ginageenagina like this.
  5. What she is saying that she does not want to live someone's fantasy. My wife is the same way. She does not want me to change from being the alpha male I am. We played around with female clothes but that was for humiliation purposes and did not last more than a few months. I bought my wife 3 books and she does none of the stuff in them. The reason why so many fail at chastity is that they think that by just locking up their penis, all of a sudden they are sissy maids, worship women, become a slave to their wife, feel submissive and all of that other stuff which is actually written to appeal to men who want to be treated that way. My wife and even our ex girlfriend never once bought a book or visited a sex related web site. Despite that we were into heavy BDSM and many other fetishes, with the women doing it their way. I might have taught them the basics but in the end they did only what they wanted to do.

    I have been a sexual submissive for 47 years. That does not mean that I was not dominant with submissive women. It does not mean that I was submissive to my Domme outside of the bedroom. In fact, some dommes like to be submissive to strong males. For us, fetishes end at the bedroom door, although chastity is different since I am locked up all the time and my wife does tease be throughout the day.

    Here is how we made it last so long. No contracts that read as a what to do to me guide. The only rule we have is that my wife makes all the rules and can change them at any time without prior notice. In other words, she does keyholding anyway she darn well pleases. She is still the submissive one in our marriage. I work long days and she takes care of the house. I dress like I always did which is rugged outdoors stuff, although since moving to the tropics, I only wear cargo shorts and a tee shirt or polo shirt.

    We live a normal married life except that I wear a chastity cage which is not discussed much. My wife will show some skin or brush her hand over my cage with some kissing, a few times a day but that is it. The main event is during sex where she edges me over and over again and then has her orgasm with her vibrator. She does not make me perform oral sex on her. I do not get punished or told to do anything. Even when our ex girlfriend was living with us and sexually dominating me, our non sex life was that of a typical poly triad with me as the head of the family even though that night both women might take turns whipping me raw or worse.

    The trick is to not make being a KH a chore. If you set rules for how your wife is supposed to act and do, you are in charge, not her. What we did was have me promise not to masturbate, locked or not. The eliminated the need for my wife to check on me or bolt me down to the bed with three pairs of handcuffs in case I played with myself like a monkey at a zoo. I also promised to stay locked unless she said otherwise. That is it. She had very little to do other than say no when I say yes. That makes it very easy for her. Sex is not used as a currency. We never did that in all our other fetishes. I cannot buy an orgasm by being super good or not have one for pissing her off a few weeks or months ago.

    For us, it is all about the teasing and denial, locked or not. I do not pretend that I cannot masturbate in my cage, because anyone can. I have a safe word that I can use to indicate I am in some sort of distress. We will then talk about it. There is only one thing I can be punished for and that is bugging her for an orgasm. The punishment is that she will hand me the keys and tell me that if I want I can give myself an orgasm but she wants no part of it. If I do that too often then she will not be my KH anymore. Those are the worse punishments for us since we want chastity more than our wives do. My wife could care less about me being locked up as long as I do not masturbate.

    I work at home so that makes being locked up 24/7 very easy. I do not go out too much for various reasons, some medical. We are very practical about wearing my cage when we go out. There is no reason in heck why I have to be locked up to go to the doctor or get a haircut where I have no control over the position I sit or lay down in. If my skin feels a little sore I will tell my wife and she will give me the key. I have gone 3 days waiting for my skin to get better a few times in the last 4 years. Now my skin is very tough and that is not a problem anymore. The chastity cage is not magical. Taking it off does not change my personality or anything else. I know that my wife is in charge of my orgasms so I feel like I would if I had to take my wedding band off, like I used to have to do when working with heavy equipment. I know I am still married to my wife, ring or not. The ring is more to ward off women than anything else. I have no particular affection for my wedding band. I am on my 4th one as I sold off the others when the price of gold went up. I am not sentimental. My current ring is diamond studded so I will keep it for now. I like the way it looks.

    Your mistake is trying to turn your wife into something she is not or wants to be. You can expose her to the things that she may do if she wants, as I did to my wife, but do not present it as something she has to do and feel. She can accept or deny what she reads. We had 3 false starts with chastity. It was not until we stripped away all the D/s stuff and got rid of the games that give control over my orgasm to the game and not my wife, that it clicked for us. Just let her hold your key and deny you a few orgasms. If you make a big show of your orgasm, when you have it an act a little bit nicer when denied, she will be conditioned to see chastity as beneficial to her too. That does not mean you become her slave, just be nicer in little ways.

    I used to thank my wife for denying me after sex. I never thanked her for letting me orgasm In fact, after an orgasm I would complain about lacking the sexual energy I had and being bored. I would wonder out loud if it was worth it for 10 seconds of pleasure. When I was denied I would tell my wife how I got waves of pleasure coursing through my body at times. I would touch her more and show her how aroused she made me by just bending over or showing some skin. Our goodnight kiss had me moaning in sexual frustration. I basically conditioned her to prefer to deny me.

    At first my wife felt guilty for denying me. I think that happens to most wives. They measure their attractiveness and desirability by how hard they make us and our orgasms. Our orgasm are their measure of success and you need to gradually change that to her skill in teasing and denying becoming her measure of success and pleasure she gives us. My wife used to call sex with my orgasm, fake sex. To her sex was about giving me an orgasm and getting one from me. Without my orgasm she did not consider it real sex. I explained to her many times that just as she would sometimes give me orgasms when she was not in the mood for one, that is what we were doing in reverse. It took almost 3 years to stop feeling any guilt about denying me. Now she loves not having to deal with my ejaculation and the mess it made on her or the bed.

    Still, after being denied for a few months, she will sense that I am desperate for an orgasm. For the first 4 years we negotiated the minimum number of orgasms I would get for the next 12 months. It went from 12 to 10 to 8 to 4 and now, whatever she wants. My wife is not a pro domme. She loves me deeply and if she thinks I am suffering either mentally or physically, she will let me orgasm. She may be in a good mood or enjoy the sex we are having so much that she wants me to orgasm too. Now we just go with the flow. I can go 4 months without an orgasm or 4 weeks. My wife is totally in charge of my orgasms and not trying to fulfill a quota or being constrained by the minimum number of orgasms we set for the year.

    Make no mistake about it. I can get out of my cage any time I want. No one is forcing me to wear it. I want to wear it. I have become addicted to the anticipation of an orgasm more than the orgasm itself. I love the exquisite torture and pleasure of being edged over and over again when I have not had an orgasm for a long time. I love feeling the sexual energy in my body that makes me want to do more. When it is gone I feel it and get bored and listless. I stay locked up because I want to. Not due to any unwritten rule or someone else's idea of chastity. I can get out of my cage anytime I want to but I do not, no matter how long it has been since my last orgasms. That would undermine what I want and would only be cheating myself.

    Two things to look for when you start. First is that you will want to talk about chastity all the time until it annoys your wife. You are locked up and horny so it is on your mind all the time. The same is not true of your wife. It is not on her mind all the time. Set aside some time each day or each week to talk about it. Discuss what works or does not work. Make changes if necessary. The only way chastity works is if both of you enjoy it and having your wife act according to what a book says, is not going to be enjoyable for her and thus not enjoyable for you either.

    The second thing is that the initial excitement will wear off. That is when most give up on chastity. If your chastity is built upon being a slave or sub to your wife, sooner or latter you will wake up and not feel like being a sub anymore. Not want to lick her feet and do all the housework while she sits and eats Bonbons while watching TV. We all get excited about being dominated by a woman. Just check out the sex sites on the internet. There are a lot of men looking for dominant women because in porn that is what they jerk off to and then want. Women are rarely born wanting to dominate men. Most are still willing to take a back seat to their husbands in a marriage. That does not mean she has no say or lessor say in the marriage, just that in any successful relations, group or organization, someone has to be in charge. Being in charge does not mean a monarchy. It can mean that you both consider the needs and wants of each other when making decisions that affect on another or the marriage. Each has veto power so you either compromise or do not do what you want to do. That is how our marriage has worked over the last 44 years. Neither of us has done anything against the wishes of the other. We many do things we do not really want to do because we love and want to please each other but we do not force any decisions down anyone's throat. I moved to where I am because my wife wanted to be near her only relative, her sister, and her nieces/godchildren for whatever years we have left. I swore that I never would move to the tropics due to the humidity and yet here we are because I love my wife and knew it was something important to her. That is how we keep our marriage going for so long. That and always keeping sex fresh by trying different things to change it up. We have always chosen our marriage over monogamy but that does not mean we each had a lot of sex partners. In fact, there were less than 10 combined in all of our marriage and most were shared by us as a couple.

    Not many men want to remain a slave to a woman or vice versa. There are definitely some who do but most of what you read on the internet and even books, is mostly fantasy. I have done a lot of weird and yucky stuff in my sex life to not disbelieve most people. My sex life is better than any porn movie you ever saw. Sometimes I do not believe the things we did. The same goes for my professional life. I like to shake things up and experience all that I can, even things I do not like. At first you are turned on by being submissive to your wife but I would give odds that over time, you will not feel that way anymore and if your chastity play is built upon a D/s foundation, once the D/s it gone, so goes chastity. Try doing chastity as just chastity. It can stand on its own without becoming part of a larger fetish. Chastity is not that stuff in the book you gave your wife. Those books are filled with male fantasies since the authors know that mostly men buy the books, not women. The first book I bought my wife talked about cuckolding, punishments, have me do all the household chores so my wife would be free to go out all day and night with her friends, etc.. Orgasms were used as sexual currency so that any misstep on my part would result in a long denial period. My wife was told to handcuff me when she unlocked me and supervise my showers. There was every male fantasy most have about chastity in those books I gave my wife. It was all the things I love and nothing she liked. When we threw away the books and got realistic, it gelled for us and has been great over the last 4 years. I do not feel right if my penis is not locked up. My wife has gained more confidence as a woman and is not the puppy dog submissive she used to be. She will never be dominant as she is a people pleaser and is easily manipulated, but she is now doing things to please herself rather than to always please me.

    My recommendation is to just do the orgasm denial and teasing first. When your wife is used to that, add something else to keep it fresh. I wore panties and a bra for a few months. My wife would paddle or whip my butt (see my gallery pics) if I bugged her about chastity or did not do the chores she assigned me. I no longer do those chores since the novelty wore off. When I tried to do too much, my wife accused me of trying to steal he job. She wants to be the Mistress of our home, no the Mistress of me. She hires the subcontractors and takes care of everything to do with the house. She even repairs walls and other things. Her dad was a handyman kind of guy since he was broke all of the time and he taught her all she knows. So we did try a few things to keep chastity fresh and exciting, but we lost interest in them quickly as the initial excitement wore off, as it will for chastity for the great majority of guys who try it. it is one thing to feel excited about being locked up and not having and orgasm whenever you want to and quite different when your body is screaming for an orgasm to the point that it is all you can think of. You have to get over that hump to keep it going or else, just be locked up during sex or in-between your sex dates. It is not easy to go without an orgasm for many weeks or months. We got there by taking baby steps. If you try to do it all at once, your wife will be overwhelmed.

    The first time I told my wife that she was now in charge of our marriage and I would be submissive to her, I caught her crying while she did the laundry. She had a terrified look on her face. I got her to tell me what the problem was. She did not want to run our marriage. She lacks the education and intelligence that I have. She was happy with me keeping all the worries from her so she could live without being stressed out as I am at times. She never knew when my company was close to going bankrupt or I might lose my job. I wanted to make her life good and unlike the life she had growing up. I spoiled her as much as a could and she rarely asked for anything. She was terrorized about leading our marriage. She said that I was doing a great job that has given her a lifestyle she never dreamed she could have. She wanted me to stay in charge for fear of making bad choices that could harm our marriage. So we stopped the FLR and domme stuff and here we are. Just enjoying chastity our way and screw anyone who does not like it. I do not have to post fantasies about how I became submissive with a click of a lock. I have enough going in our chastity play to talk about even if it does not give young men masturbation fodder. Take baby steps.

    Just my two cents worth of advice. In this case more like $100 dollars worth. I am passionate about real life chastity play. I never have to make up fantasies because I have always been able to make my fantasies come true. I usually get what I want in sex and real life. I do not sit at home and post about what I want some women to do to me. I go out and find her and always have.
    Mash2214 and Patsey Belle like this.
  6. "typical poly triad" lol Not a phrase you hear often.
    You may want to think about writing a memoir. Seriously.
  7. Even though I initiated chastity, corporal punishment and feminization with my BF, I still need to know I'm in control. We went pretty fast from just panties to full lingerie and dresses, but he puts on what I tell him to. Even when he's not in chastity or under discipline, I still prefer him en femme. When he's under discipline or in chastity, the wood plaque that I had him carve for me goes in its place on the wall. It says:

    Miss Cecilia is In Charge.
    Miss Cecilia has the vagina, Miss Cecilia makes the rules.
    Pantyboy has the penis. Pantyboy follows the rules.
    Miss Cecilia is always right.
    If Miss Cecilia is wrong, see above.

    Sometimes, I'll put the plaque in its place myself to announce to him that he's going into chastity or he's under discipline. If I've put him under discipline or in chastity, he has to put the plaque in its place. The plaque reminds me and him who's in control.
  8. as said previously, go slow. if you think your going too slow its just right. you both are learning what this means. my wife and i started out with a big argument when she first found my pair of panties, real tense for a minute. now i own almost as many panties as mens underwear. the biggest thing is talk, as awkward as it can feel, talk.
  9. If this is something she brought up reading from the book You gave her then do it?I will agree that woman are either into or not at all into cross-dressing.But this is one part of the chastity fetish.If your ready to jump to the maid, or have been a maid, You should have told Her before you marriedThese books are not bibles or assembly manuals.There to inform You enlighten your perspective.To elicit interest or ideas that evoke the conversation between You.She is taking what she would like to try and tell You what Your to do.Remember she's wondering just how you are going respond?Do take care and spend time developing this.This is something that can improve your conversation about intimacy and feelings.The ability to ask each other anything without feelings of remorse or embarrassment.
    Patsey Belle and Mash2214 like this.
  10. Definitely go buy some nice panties and wear them for her, and see what happens after that.

    I bought panties for myself and started wearing them and my wife notice them and said she liked seeing me wear them. Now I wear only panties and thongs with lace inserts. Some are completely sheer and I love Rago panty girdles. I recommend Secrets in Lace for a nice selection to start with and also nice lingerie if your wife wants to go further. Enjoy wearing panties for your wife, I know I do!
  11. WOW some wonderful advice is given in this short string of comments. I Love Vinny's passionate life journey well lived and learned comments and I quote form Vinny!
    "The trick is to not make being a KH a chore. If you set rules for how your wife is supposed to act and do, you are in charge, not her. What we did was have me promise not to masturbate, locked or not. The eliminated the need for my wife to check on me or bolt me down to the bed with three pairs of handcuffs in case I played with myself like a monkey at a zoo. I also promised to stay locked unless she said otherwise. That is it. She had very little to do other than say no when I say yes. That makes it very easy for her. Sex is not used as a currency."
    So enjoy your journey I suggest "Chivalry towards a WOMAN in a FLR is nothing more than admirable behavior towards woman. The code of chivalry is, at its heart, simply a handbook for good conduct. But chivalry was a set of limitations, which the strong and mighty (men) placed upon themselves with the realization that setting a good example sends a message which is far more powerful than any words on paper!"
    So don't make your KH's role a chore, make your submission role making her life a pleasure! And on the way enjoy a few fantasies!


    Mash2214 likes this.
  12. A wise man or was that @Vinny@Vinny once said you speak wise words, others should follow the words you speak @Patsey Belle@Patsey Belle. Reach your hand around and give yourself a pat on the back. Come on you can do it no one is watching. LOL
    Patsey Belle likes this.
  13. When my Mistress first f
    When my wife found a pair of panties in my drawer it was over a year before she allowed me to wear them. So take it slow the rewards will be worth it.
    Patsey Belle likes this.
  14. Vinny's post is rather long but seriously take the time to Read It. He has a very vast knowledge of Chastity and FLR. Take The Time Thanks Vinny
    Patsey Belle likes this.
  15. Vinny's post is rather long but seriously take the time to Read It. He has a very vast knowledge of Chastity and FLR. Take The Time Thanks Vinny
    Patsey Belle likes this.