Help a new couple out

Discussion in 'Chastity in vanilla life' started by CrazyaboutSue, Jul 6, 2020.

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  1. CrazyaboutSue
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    CrazyaboutSue New member

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    So, my KH and I are both totally new to this. We had a blast getting started with it over the holiday weekend. Its back to work ad the real world now though. I'm caged at work for the first time in my life. Its an odd feeling but I'm enjoying it as its making me constantly think of her.

    Anyway, her initial response to all of this wasn't very good. She's so cool that she'll try anything for the most part. However, the chastity thing left her really confused. She felt like I was telling her that I never wanted to have sex again. That's obviously not the case. What I tried to get her to understand is that I'm just looking to make everything about her. I have an extremely high sex drive and want it all the time. She can't/won't do that so it leaves us frustrated with each other quite often. She doesn't like when I push too hard for it. That's why I went and bought the cage. I want her to relax when it comes to sex and literally just take what she wants, when she wants it. I don't want her to care at all about what I might want. If she wants PIV, she has the key and I'm happy to give her what she wants. I want the cage to keep me from nagging her constantly and to literally make it all about her.

    She dove right in on the teasing end of things. She seems to really like that part of it and its really exciting her. Now I just have to get her to understand to be selfish with things. I would frequently go down on her before we started and not only want to continue that, but do it more often if she's willing. She just always feels like she has to engage in PIV for my benefit after. I love the thought of taking great care of her and then her telling me that I don't get any.

    Any tips on how I can convince her to just be totally selfish with sex and not feel obligated to return the favor?
     
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  2. BR_Saiph
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    BR_Saiph Self-published author

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    Congratulations, step 1 success!
    However, it's a journey for you both as individuals as well as a couple.
    You succeeded in getting caged, now try to relax and let her see in unspoken terms what the cage does to you and thus for her.
    Unspoken being key. That helps avoid any topping from the bottom. So... romantic gestures, focus on little things to make her day better, etc.
    She will soon make the correlation between your lack of orgasms and your improvement as a partner.
    Society has programmed her sense of obligation to your orgasm, and this will take time to erase.
    In the meantime, you can gently offer to not cum if she does request PIV, but don't fight her wishes.
    All in good time.
     
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  3. sissydavenport
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    sissydavenport Locked sissy sub / spouse of Mistress Davenport

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    Teasing is the absolute best, and something that a lot of fledgling Dommes gravitate toward. Demonstrate how much you appreciate it when She does it, and let the teasing be enough if that makes sense.

    Also, for whatever it's worth, if She's into teasing you in the cage, and then wants to take it off for sex, that means She likes it. Take a moment, appreciate this, and then let Her just play a bit.
     
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  4. tecolote
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    tecolote Active member

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    It's not uncommon for women to think that men want to put a barrier in order to prevent sex. Explain that the barrier is to build anticipation, and you are ready and willing to have sex anytime. You actually hope that this results in a more sexual relationship, and bottom line you just want her to be in charge. It's up to her now how often you have sex, because if it's your call, it would be all the time.

    Have her do a little research on tease and denial. This should clear it up a little bit.
     
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  5. CrazyaboutSue
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    CrazyaboutSue New member

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    That's for sure. I thought she was going to make me explode with it I was so turned on. At one point, she gave me an incredible lap dance and then just walked out of the room and left me sitting there. Its a very different feeling for me, but I loved it so much.

    Good advice, I'll certainly use it.

    Thanks
     
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  6. Mrloched
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    Mrloched Active member

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    Take it slow, let her find her feet a bit. Talk to her, make sure she is comfortable, pamper her. Tell her how much you like her owning your dick. Remind her the cage is to deprive you not her. My princess had a few concerns but they didnt last long when she started to enjoy the benifits of this type of lifestyle.
     
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  7. King Hippo
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    King Hippo Active member

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    Have her join the site and talk to some Verified Females, it would be better to do that then giving her your advice. It will help her steer the ship a lot more if she is willing to do that.
     
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  8. amvetsb
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    amvetsb Member

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    I'm going to venture out on a limb here....
    is there a 0.01% chance that she wants you to initiate sexual contact 99.99% of the time, but it not be as frequently as it ever was? You'll need to become a mind-reader :p
    A test to try is to be caged, key if she hasn't taken 'ownership' of it available, hand it to her with (future unspoken intent) as a sign that you would enjoy if she let you take the cage off, but only if she wants you to, and initiate some sort of 'pleasing her' that wouldn't involve your being uncaged.... Showing you aren't expecting any relief or reward but that you are interested in it? Hard to explain....
     
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  9. Drews
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    Drews Active member

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    This post sounds almost exactly like one of mine a couple years ago. My wife totally took the cage idea that I was locking my penis from her and she did not like it. Going slow with lots of discussions will help. Also just cuddle with her and pay attention to her without needing anything back from her. She is having PIV with you afterwards because she is feeling guilty and doing her duty to satisfy you. You have to gently discuss that it is appreciated but not fun for you. Let her know that you can feel that she is not enjoying it either and it is not enjoyable. Try to slowly discuss how your sex drive is stronger and you might masturbate and ruin things when she is in the mood. Explain to her you feel your sex life has been more about you all the time and you really want her to have her turn. Reassure her she can take it off whenever she wants and you will be ready. Let her know you can feel the difference when she is really in the mood versus doing her sexual duty. Ask her if she will try to wait a week to take it off and just let you treat her special. If she agrees, after the week make love to her like it was the first time. Let her know how amazing it was for you. Tell her she felt like the first time. It will really feel that way for you. My wife loves to know she can make me feel that way well after 20 years of marriage. Take things really slow and watch her signs. Do not appear needy or pushy. Good luck!
     
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  10. Mistress2U
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    Verified Female

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    Welcome here!
    If your Wife/KH isn't verified, ask Her if She'd feel comfortable joining. She will learn tons and discover new ideas in every aspect of chastity...and more. The verified list of Women on here are amazing and very helpful.
    The above posts are amazing! As you see, others on here are willing to step in and help out too.
    Coming from a KH's perspective, it's hard to understand the mental aspect of this lifestyle. @xcitex2 is now on his 30 day rendezvous. This will look different from some and similar to others. he is locked 24/7 unless he is cleaning with supervision OR W/we have sex while he is in bondage. (Yes, bondage has also been incorporated into our lifestyle. That's a whole other informational conversation.)
    Depending on which device he has on, depends on what I do with him. he has a very heavy duty device which wreaks havoc on his balls. It's amazing how he is putty in my hands while wearing that. he also wears another device which looks like a wire cage (CB-5000). I love this one because I can caress his balls and tease him to the point that it actually hurts. I can tell if he has sexual dreams at night too, because he will wake up with what looks like edema due to his penis trying to get hard in his device. Then, there's the Monster Mesh, belt-style that I love too for the same reason; at night, when he's hard, it looks like a meat grinder due to the mesh links.
    These devices are wonderful; I never knew how much power I had in my own control. Your Wife/KH will notice your flinches and noisy groans getting in and out of a vehicle, riding a bike, or even bending down to pick something up. I'll intentionally drop something at the grocery store so he has to bend down and pick it up and I get wet listening to him let out a slight yelp in the process. The more uncomfortable you can make him, the better off She is. Simple things like coming home and being locked in a chain dog collar and being naked while eating dinner with Her being fully clothed. Going to a swim party with your device on knowing that it looks like you have an erection all day or are hung well. Wearing a pair of leggings under your work pants instead of your underwear...they sag after a while and itch the hairs on your legs, plus you feel as if coworkers are looking at your oddly because you feel out of sorts. It's little easy things that your Wife/KH can do to make you feel sooo out of place yet you know that you're serving her. Your Wife/KH will begin to notice your attitude/disposition change the longer you are in a device.
    This is where your learning curve begins. Whether it is housework, cooking, errands, foot massages, drawing a bath, candle light dinner, opening doors while out in public, it's these little things that make your Wife/KH happy. It is you serving Her and pleasing Her in whatever it is that makes Her happy. Drive Her and go in and watch Her get her nails done. It's getting you, the sub, to go above and beyond. It is you honoring Her throughout this process making Her feel special and showing Her that She is worthy of you subbing Her.
    This will keep you wondering. When will w/We have sex/make love. When She finally decides the time is right for Her, you will be so ready, mentally and physically that it will be the best session ever. Be careful though not to blow your stack. Make sure to ask your Wife/KH permission to have an orgasm. Another power trip! She too can also use tease and denial or also give you a ruined. Nothing like having your sub thinking that he will enjoy a session once he finally gets out of chastity all to find out that She has decided to hop off and call it quits or ride you until that point and hop off letting it just lay there and ooze. There's sooo much power in those two options. She will feel the power and control over you at that time for controlling the situation. you will also have power knowing that you just made your Wife/KH feel amazing.
    BUT...once you have an orgasm, especially after a couple days, weeks, months, etc., your hormones dump too. Your Wife/KH might see a change in disposition for you. Something to be aware of. Sometimes these are more powerful than others. Not sure why, but sometimes it can bite you in the butt.
    Something else that is amazing is having Her wear your key around her neck especially out in public. When She gets asked what the key is for, She can just look at you and expect you to explain with some crazy story or She can come up with a crazy story too. On the other hand, someone else might ask and they will giggle in the process knowing what that key truly represents. Never underestimate other's knowledge.
    ***Overall, that key and your Wife/KH have the most power and control over you, the sub.
    You've got a great start. Keep the lines of communication open, be patient, and enjoy this life with your Wife!!! Again, welcome to Chastity!!!
     
  11. Jessica Alexander
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    Jessica Alexander Trans woman not a mistress or Dom

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    Buy a Kitchen Safe on Amazon. She can lock the keys in for a few hours or up to 10 days. That way there is no expectation from either one of you that you will get unlocked unless you want to break a $60 keysafe.
     
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  12. Lakeman
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    Lakeman Active member

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    Time. The answer is time. It’s taken us a couple of years to find the right way for us, it’s a big change. Don’t rush it, you risk running off the rails, and the journey is fun and unexpected.
     
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  13. WhiteKnight
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    WhiteKnight Member

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    I think Jessica is on to something here - and which certainly works for us.
    My Wife and KH still feels 'guilty' if I give her an orgasm and don't get to cum myself (because I'm locked or for any other reason). She feels I deserve - what someone else here on the site described as - a duty-fuck.
    So the key-safe idea works, but there are plenty of other ways of taking the decision about whether to unlock or not out of both your hands. Rolling dice to set the number of lock-up days is a common one. A bag full or marbles with say six white to one one red obviously gives you a chance of getting out once a week. You can use a multi-sided spinner to achieve the same result . . . but write a different outcome on each face.
    We have just bought a Qiui Cellmate cage that operates via Apps. on both iPhone and Android. The Keyholder can pre-programme a lock-up period on minutes, hours, days and even months . . . and once it's locked neither of you can release it !
    All these options take away the guilt of having to decide how long you are locked. My Wife / KH still feels that she is somehow being 'cruel' to me: even though she really does understand it is what I want and turns me on no end.
    You also have to work on divorcing your orgasms from hers. You have to get her to understand that she, all women, can have what is effectively an infinite number of climaxes - the actualnumber really is up to her. Men are strictly limited - but in general the longer they wait the better it gets.
    A very good practical way of demonstrating this, locked or unlocked, is to a agree a tariff whereby She has to have an agreed number of orgasms before you get to have one ?
    Hope some of this is useful and have fun.
     
  14. amvetsb
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    amvetsb Member

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    HA, so funny, an orgasm tariff !!
    I think that the idea is being honed here regarding her enjoying the power exchange yet it not quite being 100% - where she enjoys dominating, but perhaps feels bad about the denial part if she gets to have pleasure herself... That's a bump in the road to get past! Either pick up the slack somehow and keep the offer to pleasure her open, yet make it clear that you do enjoy sexual release, but want your's to be at her discretion, but NOT just because she received pleasure... The orgasm tariff concept could be a little trade-off to help her out, as mentioned earlier, where she either uses a chance determination or decides herself how many she gets before you have yours.... OR find an outside 'tool' to take that determination away from her HAVING to decide yet still something that she can play a part in without feeling guilty about the results, whether it's based on her orgasm count or some other factor... Using some of the randomized settings on a site like Emlalock or others may be useful! I've met a lot of folks there that use the site for just that purpose. She's ultimately the keyholder, but together you can even let another person decide for you! Another 'game' concept is to watch something in the news or a lottery or whatever, and take the results and use them as a computation of some sort.. Like, next draw-4 number in a lottery, if more even numbers than odd one week, if all even or odd two weeks if the same, three weeks, OR any sort of 'factoring' that you can come up with... like add up the digits and thats how many times she 'gets to' orgasm before you do!
    Just some thoughts... Hope it sparks some ideas...
     
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  15. billzboats
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    billzboats Member

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    Gov
     
  16. Jarid Campbell
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    Jarid Campbell New member

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  17. PawEee
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    PawEee New member

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    You put the essence of being caged exactly as it is for me, that when going in chastity to work, shoping, sport,...you constantly think of your lady, moreover one could feel as it would have been her hand to have a constant grip on your most private part of men's body, that you are constantly reminded of her ownership of this part, and moreover your mind, heart, body... Thats why butterflies come to your stomach, that you have this permanent reminder:have passed her control over her property. You belong to her, no other women in the street, shop is able to touch your penis, they don't know it, another pleasant thing.

    Don't speed up thinks. Exactly as you say, it's all about her pleasure, freedom to decide when and how you are to make love, PIV, oral, whatever she likes, and in a way in which she is relaxed, with no stress. You're privileged already among many of us, men interested in beeing caged, in a sense that she accepts it from the very start, likes teasing etc... I'm not so privileged, achieving only conditional tolerance, after few years of trials and attempts to discuss it, with no KH in sight. ;(
    Good luck for you both! But you seem to have chastity as a pleasant addition to your sex life. Don't damage it by overspeeding.
     
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  18. madams-sissysub
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    totally agree!
     
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