Hello, very new here and trying to reconcile the feelings I have.....

One day at a time my wife is nit on here either. Welcome have you bought a device yet

 

Welcome! You have come to a good place. I hear a clear need for guidance in your message. I shall urge you to post your various questions and issues in the appropriate room here. I would be glad to share my thoughts with you.
Hope to see you there soon!

 

heloo @DoesasTold and welcome to here.

 

You marriage is normal. Most women do not want to dominate their husbands. Just look on the internet and find the many millions of men looking for a dominant woman or wishing that their wives would dominate them. So join the club. My wife has no wish to hurt me. She married me because I am a very alpha male. She met me right after I got back from combat in Vietnam and knew about me when I played football in high school. Her dad was a very alpha male too as were her brothers. So that is what is expected of a husband and what she wanted. She does not want to change that.

I have been into BDSM for 47 years. Actually interested in it much longer ever since a young girl slapped my face very hard because I grabbed her boobs in a swimming pool on a dare. Ever since that day I masturbated to the thought of her doing more and more extreme stuff to me. In fact, till this day she is the only face I ever see in my dreams or fantasies. Everyone else is faceless. I was never able to turn a submissive woman into a really good domme. I had two girlfriends who had dominant personalities. The first one taught me. She did the cuckold thing with black guys and then sitting on my face as well as gang bangs with all of my friends. She was more into humiliation than pain or bondage.

The second one is my wife's best friend. My wife is like yours. She went along with it once in a while but her heart was not in it. Her solution was to invite her dominant best friend to have sex with me hoping that she would take care of my BDSM needs. She was eager to learn and discovered that she got lots of pleasure from hurting me sexually. Guess what? That girl was the one whose boobs I grabbed. How weird is that? When I met my wife I had no idea that her best friends was the girl in my fantasies or that both of them are bisexual. So there is hope.

We left our girlfriend of 30 years about 6 years ago and my wife inherited her extensive collection of BDSM gear. She welted and bruised my butt a few times but she did not like hurting me. She still will discipline me, but not unless I remind her that she said she would for some infraction. Chastity solved our problem. It fills my sexual masochistic needs while letting my wife punish me in a way that does not cause me to cry out in pain or leave marks. We are in our fifth year of chastity and although my wife has grown to love it and would have it no other way, Yet, she still starts to feel sorry for me after a few months of orgsam denial. That is what love does to a wife and to be frank, although I loved our girlfriend, I would never have married her because I want a woman who does not sigh with pleasure and get wet from inflicting pain on men. So be thankful for your wife.

Here is what I did. I started off bad like you. I mixed chastity in with a female led marriage, BDSM and wanting my wife to dominate me wearing black boots and a bull whip. I overwhelmed her and caught her crying the next day as she was doing the laundry. She was frightened that I wanted her to be the opposite of what she is. Yet she wanted to please me, bless her soul. I told her to forget it and instead lets just try denying me an orgasm the next time we have sex to see how horny I get for the next time after that. We did that and I will admit that I did a good acting job so that my wife saw a big difference in my orgasm and attention to her by just denying me an orgasm one time. No mention of chastity devices or any BDSM at all the second time around.

We did that a few times while I was showing her different ways to tease and edge me. She got good at edging and pointed out my "tells" that warned her that an orgasm would follow. She showed me things I did that I was not even aware of. For instance, I would trace circles on her arm or shoulder right before I ejaculated and a few other little things which enabled her to edge me well. We proceeded slowly. I vowed to her that I would not masturbate and was on the honor system for a few months. Gradually we denied me longer and longer as my wife began to enjoy the control she had over our sex life and focus on her orgasms without having to worry about pleasing me.

My wife began to laugh at the control she had over me sexually. She wanted to deny me longer and longer because she liked the way I was when very horny and denied. That is when I mentioned chastity cages and showed her the CB6000. She told me to get one if I wanted. I did get one but she was not involved with it for about a month because I was constantly locking and unlocking to try different combinations of spacers and rings. Plus my skin needed to get used to wearing a chastity cage.

Once I was comfortable in wearing my CB6000 all day, my wife was given the keys. She never locked me up and still hasn't but she did check to makes sure I locked up. She unlocked me at bedtime. Then I started to wear my cage 24/7 and that is when my CB6000 kept on breaking so I went with a custom made Jailbird from Mature Metal and never looked back. Not the small difference I was thinking of, but a big difference in comfort and ease of use and hygiene.

Along the way I introduced domestic discipline. One day my wife came into my office with a paddle and told me that I forgot to take out the garbage three times in a row. I think I have a picture of my butt in the gallery. It was the first time that my wife marked my skin. She had seen her girlfriend work me over and sometimes assisted her but never hit me hard enough to leave lasting marks. My strategy was to just start off with teasing and denial and show my wife the benefits of it. I did not become all the things you see on how the husband is going to act once he is denied list. It is the same list copied from other websites. I did have more sexual energy to divert to things and I was a little more helpful around the house but that is it. My wife enjoys how I make her feel sexy and desirable every day.

I will fast forward our long trek to get where we are today. Right now my wife will paddle or cane my butt maybe once a month if I really piss her off by annoying her for an orgasm. Way back when we started my wife complained that she felt like being my keyholder was another job and why did she have to act like a prison warden to prevent me from escaping my chastity cage. She did not like having to supervise my showers and checking that I was locked every few hours plus making sure that the emergency key was not used. I had done what many do and produced a set of rules, a contract of sorts, that we would follow. Like most others it read like a user manual of all the things I wanted her to do to me for violating rules that i knew I would violate. It was a lame attempt to get her to dominate me. The problem was that the rules changed so much that we were often on different pages and my wife felt that rules boxed her in. Maybe she wanted to punish me and maybe she did not. She also felt that the rules were setup so that I could get her to do what I really wanted her to do by breaking a certain rule. If I wanted to be paddled, I violated rule number one. If I wanted be denied longer I violated rule number 2 and so on.

Next big change was getting rid of all rules except one; my wife makes the rules, does not have to tell me what they are and can change them whenever she wants. In essence she played it by ear, not boxed in by set rules and able to do as the mood struck her. We also got rid of all the games and schedule of orgasms because in truth, they did not give her control over my orgasms. The games did as did the calendar. Now she is free to make me orgasm or not on any given day. Sometimes I wait months and sometimes I wait just a few weeks. I never know when I am going to orgasm but do know that I will and you need that hope to make chastity work for you. With no hope of an orgasm there is no reason to be on your best behavior or go the extra mile.

It took my wife a good three years to get rid of the guilt of denying me orgasms. She still feels sorry for me and will let me orgasm if she thinks I am in mental or physical distress. Plus I still have my safe word from our BDSM days which will stop whatever we are doing so that we can talk about it. Do not be fooled. The sub has all the power. No one can be dominated without the consent of the sub and the sub can withdraw his consent at any time. Slavery is illegal as is assault and battery. I would not want to be married to a woman who wanted to change me from an alpha to a beta male. Just not in me. I tried it and did not like it. I like to control things and take charge. That is what I do for a living so to me, sexual submission is nothing more than a stress reliever and not a lifestyle. So think about this. Have your wife understand that you are just roleplaying and establish a safe word so she is assured that if she does something you do not like, you can stop it.

My wife drifts in and out of her role. My wife just came in and playfully scolded me for waking her up while making my breakfast so early in the morning. I think she will paddle me before sex tonight, but she may not if she forgets or I am good for the rest of the day. We just play it by ear. Some days you will wake up and not feel like licking feet or being whipped. Some day when the initial excitement of being dominated fades, you will ask yourself why you are working a full time job and then doing all the housework because women are superior and men should serve them???? That is a nice fantasy but rarely the way the great majority of marriages go. I try for an equal marriage where we both consider the needs and wants of each other in every decision that would affect the other. We have yet to not reach a compromise and have never done anything that the other was opposed to. My wife is a mistress of sorts. She is in charge of all things related to the house and now, our sex life. I make the money and financial decisions. I bear the stress of making sure we have enough money for our bills and retirement. I smile and assure my wife that all is well even when my company was on the verge of bankruptcy. That is my burden to shoulder and the way I was raised.

All of this is the long way or saying that you should not complicate chastity at the beginning. Take baby steps to get where you want to be. Realized that the fantasy of being dominated by your wife is not going to be the same in reality. Unless you have some psychological issue that requires you be dominated, most people only play at it and not live it. I do know men who are married to dominant women and they enjoy it but they are not treated as slaves. Just that their wives wear the pants in the family. I have been into fetish play for 47 years and did things that most would never want to even consider doing. Despite all that, these are all just sex games and not who I am. I am not defined by my fetishes and do not wish to live them 24/7. They are diversions that take my mind off of whatever is stressing me out at the time and we do not play them all the time, just when we are in the mood.

Chastity has been an odd exception to our sex play. Unlike all my other fetishes, I cannot leave it in the bedroom. I guess I can if I wanted to only lock up during sex but that is sort of the opposite of what we like. So I do wear my chastity cage 24/7 and after all these years it is as comfortable as wearing my wedding band. Without it I feel funny and want to put it back on again. We took a two month break not too long ago and while we enjoyed a normal sex life, we missed our chastity play. I am so used to being constantly aroused that without that arousal, my energy level dropped and I felt bored. I have become addicted to the anticipation of my orgasm, than to the orgasm itself.

Take what you will from my life story. Chastity is the tamest fetish we ever did. Mainly because it was about less orgasms and not more. I have taken two women I loved and trained them both to do every fetish you can find on the Fetlife.com website and more. Even the yucky and extreme ones. All you need is a sexually adventurous woman who is willing to learn and try different things. I say that good dommes are made and not born. Whether you teach them or someone else does, they have to learn from someone. I am not as opposed to topping from the bottom because I feel it is necessary at the beginning. Once your wife is comfortable and understands your limits and the game you two are playing, you can let her fun the show but you will still have the ultimate power because she cannot dominate you without your consent. All subs top from the bottom because they permit what is being done to them. The domme may choose the weapons and methods but the sub consents to giving her that power. It is a sex game and you will have more luck presenting it as such to your wife rather than a lifestyle. Also just start out with T&D, then add the chastity device and once she is comfortable with that, add domestic discipline. My wife had me wear panties and a bra every day for a few months. I had weekly maintenance whippings. I was her valet every night and did most of the chores in the house while she sat and watched TV. All that stuff was exciting for a few weeks and then not so much so we stopped it. Many of us start off wrong. We expect our wives to grow leather skin and want to dominate us over night. We think who would not like to be able to have their husband do whatever they are told. Well, wives who deeply love their husbands do not want to do that as a lifestyle, only as a sex role that they can take on when they want to. If they enjoy it, they will want to play more. If not, they just end up doing it to please you. Having had both kinds of women dominate me, it is far better when she enjoys dominating you than not. Good luck and sorry for the long post but I went through this and have been into fetish play for my entire marriage and before. I learned a trick or too. Plus I was diagnosed with a Machiavellian personality which is a benefit for business and has always enabled me to convince women to engage in my sexual fetishes or at least try them. I do not force them but am good at finding out what they want and what would motivate them to do what I would like them to do. Just psychology and knowing the woman you are with. Most guys are too shy to tell women what they really want and women are mostly too shy to tell men their deepest and darkest fantasizes. Only through good communication will you have a great sex life. Of course there is always compromise involved. The woman who dominates you may want to do things she likes but you do not and vice versa, so you compromise and do both or limit the time it is done. I have always had a running dialog with the women who dominated me so we can discuss what works and does not work for us. I do the same with chastity. We set more limits when we first started but now it is totally in my wife's hands. I know that she loves me and will not let me suffer beyond what I can take so I do not worry. I always have hope.

 

Wow, Vinny! I really like that! You searched, you stumbled, you got up dusted each other off, took each other's hands and set off to find a way that works for both of you. Awesome story.

Interesting that when you put the cart before the horse and sought a bdsm thing, it was not sustainable. I have often said hat sexual domination can and will lead to domination in other aspects of a relationship. You then began dabbling in sexual domination/submission and things began to fall into place. Life as it should be. Hugs to you both!