Haven't had "the talk" yet

Most women hate the thought of their hubby masturbating. I suspect many feel that it cheats them out of your sexual prowess or that you find her not sexy enough or whatever, but they seem to hate it.

That understood, perhaps you could have a discussion with her about your wanking habit and how you are weak and embarrassed and want to save yourself entirely for her. To make that happen and to better control yourself, it might help if your wore a cage and She kept the key to it. In other words, give control of yourself to Her. I know that his has worked for me ad some others here on CM that I've discussed it with, but that's just one person's opinion and experience. You need to do what's best for your situation. I do know that good communication is at the center of any good relationship - with chastity or not, so you might consider giving it a try. But a word of warning - "Be careful what you ask for!"

 

Tell her the first part. Leave out the cage for a conversation in the near future.

Go over your sexual history, and how having sex less often has driven you to masturbation. But you want to stop. You feel strongly that your orgasms should belong only to her, not even to you, but to her only.

Tell her about your experiences with not masturbation and how skipping masturbation makes a difference in how you feel about her. Explain that the idea of her being the only one who can approve of you having an orgasm turns you on. And explain that it's very hard not to be weak and just wank. You are like an addict that really wants to quit, but you are hindered in your goal because there is always your drug of choice in your pocket. And you can't change that.

Then ask her for help. You want her strength to help you quit your bad habit. Remind her that this habit may be perfectly natural, but when you do it, you feel less enamored with her. Explain that you are also addicted to the feeling of being completely enamored by her, and this is why it is important to you to quit wanking, and why it should also be important to her.

"But how can I help? Just stop doing it." tell her that she can help by tracking you. By asking you if you have done it, and rewarding you (maybe with a kiss) when you haven't and reprimanding you when you have.

Play this game for a while. Take a few weeks. There is no hurry. Always be honest with her. Don't even make her ask. Tell her every time you do it. Let her see for herself how different you are when you are chaste vs when you cum. Then tell her that you discovered a way to give her control so that she can be strong for you. And tell her about chastity cages.

Let her ponder the idea herself. Don't get too excited about telling her about different options or whatever. Maybe give her something to read that is vanilla enough... I personally like this link because it worked for me:

http://brassiered.com/tamingthecagedbeast/introduction.html

And tell her that you are open to the idea of having her hold the keys. How you feel it might help you grow closer as a couple. Tell her that the hassle and discomfort would be worth it to feel closer to each other.

Then shop for a cage together. Let her have a say. It belongs to her. You should get used to that idea if you want to go down this path. Trust her to take your comfort and feelings into account and let her control the process. Obviously give her a nudge in the right direction if you notice her stumbling down the path of newbie mistakes. She will either embrace it, or not. Don't push. Your goal at this point should be to plant a seed that may not sprout for a long time. Maybe she'll jump on board right away, but probably not. But you are sewing seeds for next year, so be patient. And even if it 'sprouts' it may not bare fruit for a few seasons.

 

I feel your pain it's difficult and I have been that woman who wasn't told untill after the fact and trust me it's a shock and will take time to digest and wrap head around but you need to be open and honest finding out things after hurts best advice don't mention that you are doing it just say you are finding it hard and your desire and drive has increased and you need to talk about it nothing hurts more than finding out a partner has been doing it behind your back trust is a hard thing to come back from for most woman but don't be worried you will be surprised how many woman are excited about the idea aslong as they are included introduce her to this site so she can talk to others and help her realise how common it is

 

Are you talking about masturbation here? As in it hurt your feelings to find out he had been masturbation?

I know it's a common feeling for women. I can't wrap my head around it though. It wouldn't bother me at all if my wife pleased herself. Unless she was also neglecting me. I don't think my wife feels like this. Can you explain how it makes (or made) you feel? Were you being neglected, or did he just want more sex than you did, so "took care of himself".

Sorry if these questions are too personal. I just want to understand.

 

I agree about being careful what you wish for. I find it interesting that many women feel bad or cheated when their spouse takes care of themselves but don't have a frank conversation about what they could do as a couple to correct the disconnect. Maybe a cage could be fun or maybe she could turn in to a lock and forget monster. I would have the conversation first on what is really happening in your sex life and use that as a starting point for further exploration. Some on this site rave about how their sex life is orders of magnitude better. My experience is if it sucks now, a cage doesn't necessarily make it better.

 

Hello Jay, Greetings!
We have very similar backgrounds it would seem. That being said, there is no one size fits all solution. The only thing that seems to be a constant is the kind of mistakes many husbands make when trying to introduce chastity to their wives.
Here is a rather tame and non BDSM approach at explaining why chastity? https://keptforher.com/romance-desire/
I think if you read through it might really help answer some questions or give you ideas how to word a proposal, particularly if you have run into the other end of the spectrum, the fetish side of things, which can be extremely off putting to newbies. Maybe send her an email with the link... or ask her to take a look.
The most important things to me are communication, honesty, but also knowing when to keep your mouth shut and remain respectful to the woman in your life, especially if you are the take charge kind of guy that wants to honor your wife.
Best of luck

 

welcome. There are a few good threads about how to broach the subject with a partner. Go steady is the best advice I can give. Don't rush things.

 

I seem to be in a similar situation with very different sex drives which led to my masturbation habit and a very vanilla wife. I agree that discussing the masturbation habits and letting her know that it bothers you and it would be better if you saved it for her. Let her know that you have tried and it makes you feel closer to her but it is really difficult. I discussed the habit is hard to break and random erections and trouble sleeping with be extremely strong desires pushes me back to masturbation. I had discussions that I did a lot of research and came across a chastity device as a possible solution and you would be interested in trying it. The initial mistake I made was not letting her know what I was thinking of chastity. My wife is extremely vanilla and she went online and got scared off with some of the BDSM information she read. I wrote her a letter in great detail why I think chastity would be a good solution and it was focused on her needs not mine. I also let her know it is not mean and she will not be hurting me. I told her I would let her know if it was hurting me. My wife does like sex but not as often as I would like. She was concerned I was rejecting her and did not want sex with her anymore. I made it clear I want sex with her and I want to save it for her and be ready when she is. I also let her know it comes off when ever she wants it off. If she gives a device a triy be sure this always happens. Go very slow and make sure this is about her and it is to enhance your relationship not make it things that she does not want. We went very slow and my wife has learned to love it. I am much more attentive and when we do have sex it is as intense as it was when we just met. Good luck and hopefully you can slowly show her a benefit.

 

Hi, and welcome to The Mansion

 

Hello and welcome