I’ve read through a lot of this Vanilla section. It seems that for the most part having the talk with SO on average is met with reluctant acceptance and in the luck cases, some SO’s eventually come to embrace it more and in some instances (seems the exception) the SO gets REALLY into it, more than the caged person initially might have wanted. But mostly seems like what is the norm is a reluctant acceptance. Has anyone had their relationship HURT by having the talk. I realize I am posing a bias here since if something was hurt, that person may not still be visiting CM, but I’m curious. I have been trying to work up the courage to approach my wife and keep coming up with increasingly creative excuses to avoid it.
First of all, don’t start off with some big dramatic “talk”. Find a cage that fits and introduce it as a foreplay device that you can use as part of an all day tease and foreplay session. You put it on say on Saturday morning and you fool around but she holds the key all day until you earned an unlock. Once she is comfortable with that you can slowly extend time and then maybe find some vanilla articles to email her to “up the game”.
This is a difficult subject. I understand your struggle very well. It was difficult in my situation too. Difficult to discuss my kinks and needs. Afraid of rejection. And over the years this has happened step by step. My wife has really tried to go along with my kinks and to discover together what role could be played by her. We experimented a lot together. And there have been moments when she was enthusiastic, but always for a short while. In the end, the conclusion was that she could not go along with this form of lifestyle. It has finally resulted in an open relationship in which we no longer find our sexual needs with each other but with someone else. So yes, somewhere it has caused separation. But it did give us the openness and freedom to find what we both need. We didn't find that with each other (any more). Our relationship is still there, but on a more accepting and acknowledging basis. In the end, it is always good to be open and honest, however difficult that may be. In the end, it's about being happy in life. Also for and towards your partner. Good luck with your struggle. Hopefully you will find the courage to be honest with yourself and with her. Wish you all the best!
Depends on one's definition of "going bad." If you mean that any time the subject came up in any way, shape, or form, it resulted in anger, rejection, and threat of divorce, for years on end, then yes. If you mean something else, then yes.
The talk indeed led to several breakups albeit not immediately. Some partners interpreted my desires as a phase I'd grow out of, others tried but couldn't find enjoyment in it, others simply didn't get it. As a consequence I completely gave up on dating people I met in a vanilla setting. The irony is that after that I met several dominant Ladies that were a great fit kink-wise but not with regard to other aspects of life. Eventually I met my wife in a vanilla setting and at some point we sparked, kisses and embraces were exchanged. When she took the initiative and asked to start dating I told her there was one thing I had to clear up before doing so: my desire for bondage and humiliation. In other words: I did not wait with 'the talk' until we had dated some time but instead told her at the exact moment she wanted to start dating me. I think this approach is the least hurtful for all parties involved. My wife was new to BDSM but did have interests in certain aspects of it and accepted me, all of me including the submissive slut part of me. We gradually grew together as a couple also with regard to kink. The one thing she is still reluctant about is hard physical punishments (e.g. severe caning etc.), but she loves other aspects: being served orally, having her feet worshipped, bondage, chastity, ... . Eventually we got engaged, I became her slave, and married, in that order. I don't think there's a magic formula for the talk and also the type of desires may make a big difference, but overall I'd say the earlier the better.
How open is she to discussions of sex and/or kink etc? Would it come completely out of left field if you told her about wanting to try locking up your penis? If you have been able to discuss bringing new ideas into your sex life (like toys, anal, bdsm etc) then odds are you will be able to have a discussion about chastity. If she has shot down any previous discussions then it may be more difficult. If you haven't even had any, then chastity might be a too big of a first step. Always have discussions of sexual nature outside the bedroom and certainly not before or after sex where hormones could impact the discussion. Somewhere like the kitchen / dining room is a good place, or even out at a cafe / bar or similar where you can talk quietly. Tone is important, let her know that it is completely ok for her to not respond but take time to think about what you are discussing, and that positive or negative, you will both still love and respect her. Don't shy away from why you want to try it (and you need to be clear in your own mind why this is before you even start) and be prepared to answer some questions that may be a gut reaction from her (things like - don't you like having sex with me ? are you not turned on by me? will it harm you? are probably some of the early knee jerk reactions) As cheesy as they were, the 50 shades movies/books probably opened up more to the world of BDSM than anything else in the last 20 years, but I don't think there has been much on chastity. I know I used the movies as a bit of a discussion starter once with my OH, nothing at first but it did open the door so to speak.
No issues with my relationship after the talk, actually it made my relationship stronger becase we were both refusing to talk about the elephant in the room that was our mostly dead sex life. If you’re scared of the reaction, you could suggest a less extreme approach to chastity like the honor system where she decides if you get to cum and when. I sort of started that way to gauge her reaction and within a week or so told her that after a week of honor system it’s really hard to not touch, so I ordered a cage.
I talked about during sex first. Would it be hot to lock my cock? only let me out when you want etc. If she reacted negativly I would have just laughed it of as trying to talk dirty. She actualy loved the idea and now we have a full d/s relationship. If i dont do as I'm told I don't get out! Be careful what you wish for.
When my wife and I first started into kink, we went overboard. Tried everything. Literally, she become a professional domme for a couple years. I was caged, only wore panties and babydolls even went out "on the town" dressed as a woman Eventually, she would charge men to blow me, and we tried cuckolding.... Obviously our marriage imploded. spectacularly It took 3 years to mend our relationship... now we have a kinky, (she having been a domme..knows exactly what to say and do) relationship...with lots of talking about kink....but no cuckolding. Guess all I can say is GO SLOW...TALK and LISTEN. Be honest with yourself as to what you can and cannot live with.
After my first relationship where we evolved together I had a few failed attempts. What I learned from those is to bring this topic up early on. This way you do not waste time on people who can not even accept the basics of what is important to you. Further more they are less likely to feel offended by it, because they might think you want to fix something they are lacking when you bring it up early on. Last but not least: If you are looking for a new partner give vanillas a chance and do not only look for kinksters. As was said before they migh
In my case, the talk recently has gone very poorly, to be honest. Around Christmas it was going fabulously well in our FLR, and I was overjoyed at my own progress into a more feminine spectrum, as well as chastity play. We decided to take a break just before the New Year, mostly due to a lot of life type stressors like finances, Covid, employment uncertainty, type stuff. And, I just have't been successful at pulling my fiance back into a role of Goddess in our FLR. Sexually we have never been more distant, although its not gone completely. I too dip in and out of hyper masculinity, and forego everything that for us has been traditionally very easy. I have tried several approaches, including recently saying that I may not stay in the relationship, if this goes by the wayside. The problem is that in my life, trying to quash my own desires, proclivities, and sexuality, never does anything but cause me to implode, and get out of any relationship I have been in, even if everything else was good. Its been difficult, to say the very least. I just want my wonderful partner to find importance in the things that are important to me. I feel like I don't want to commit to doing the same, given that feeling. I guess I don't actually know whats next for us. The Covid situation in Alberts has been awful in so many ways, and its breaking two very close people further apart every day.
If "having the talk", means "I really want to be in chastity all the time and serve you as my Goddess", then good luck and be prepared, it may not go well. On the other hand if it means "I'd really like to explore more things in our sex life and make things more awesome, share each others fantasies and see what we can fulfill for each other. Do you want to flip a coin and see who tells a fantasy first". If that's your approach and you're honestly interested in what turns her on. Then you probably have good odds.
That sounds awesome and I wish I'd said something like that. I had "the talk" about and year and a half ago, told my wife I really think I'm a sub, and that looking back over our 20 years I think we've got some D/s tensions going on, and that I'd like to try chastity. She thought it was weird (and therefore I was weird), that she's not a dominatrix (insert stereotyped porn image here of a six foot Amazon in leather bearing a whip), and she wasn't into it. She did reassure me that she appreciated me being honest, but even so I felt foolish and wished I hadn't told her. Since then she's brought it up a few times, mainly to tease me about my "strange fetish", but not tease in a good way, if you know what I mean. Nothing horrible, our marriage is good (enforced time together during lockdown was actually quite good for us), but still I regret bringing it up. I occasionally self-lock but on the sly, taking it off when she's around for fear of getting caught.
I feel very sorry for many of the women who have had to have this discussion. The male has been thinking about it for weeks, even months, and it gets thrust on the woman out of the blue. "lock up my cock." How do you think she's going to react to that?
How would women prefer we bring it up? What you've written here is exactly my fear. It looks like having the discussion could make things a lot better or a lot worse. Third choice, chicken out and keep self locking on occasion and continue to wonder "What if?" Much more soul searching for me. Once the discussion starts, you can't unring the bell.
If I had any advice for anyone on the forum it would be talk. I mean talk. Talk to your partner as a partner, and talk about what you would like and be prepared to listen to what they have to say on the matter. I want, I want, I want might be met with some annoyance. Be prepared for a bit of give and take in a relationship, especially so in a kink oriented one.
If you wish you'd said something like you quoted from my post, then I suggest you do it NOW! Stop focusing on locking yourself up in chastity and see if she interested in exploring her fantasies along with yours and you may well end up somewhere wonderful, which may or may not be where you currently picture yourself.
Seriously this is not difficult. 4th, choice ask her what she would like to explore to make your relationship and sex life better?
well if the man has been bad and always wanting to do things in bed and She has not and has sayed She got headaches then She migt be glad that he want his willy to be lock up. She migt not tho as well.
Just be honest. No “selling”. Is it a kink? Or a desire for a FLR? She will naturally want to make you happy. But, that she may be confused is an understatement. Anticipate her reaction and give her an honest answer. Above all, remember it takes time for her to adjust.
Let's hope people choose a somewhat less direct approach than that in "the talk". I am happy that I never have had this kind of a discussion in a relationship that's been longer than several months. But if you are in a vanilla relationship for years and it is not only about some kink, but to you much more about important parts of yourself you feel you have had to hide so far you do not have much choice to bring the topic up at some time... Of course you will have to live with the consequences of the talk with your partner and the consequences you draw from them. But in my opinion that is better if you would deny an important part of yourself for the rest of your life....