Guilty Feeling Wife/KH

I think you should help your wife to figure out why she doesn't want to have sex or why her sex drive is so low.
This can have many reasons. Some people don't like their body and think others think the same. Sometimes their just not satisfied with the way sex works for them and they haven't had the right kind of sex or erotic play time.

Can you remember what actions caused the two of you having sex in the past? Maybe cudelig in front of the tv? Or a day off with a lot of talking and doing vacation stuff, getting closer after a long working week?

I would start there and try to get her comfortable. Maybe it gets her into the mood to get intimately with you. Carry on from there.

 

Personally for Me I prefer massage after a shower.Candles lit.Almond oil scented with Organic Sandalwood for the massage.Just lay on My front, back and shoulders massaged at first.Then moving onto legs and feet.Leaving out buttocks until after half an hour or so, then kneading buttocks and slipping hand around inner thighs.Still No genitals touched.By then I am soaking wet, and wanting oral badly.
Turning around onto My back ,and getting My stomach gently massaged.Tops of My arms and slowly gently every now and then My Breasts.Nipples are erect and Im certainly feeling very aroused.The scent of Sandalwood helps.Neroli and Ylang Ylang also help sexual arousal.You will know when you partner is ready for touching her genital area.If she is not, then you don't go there.Make it all about Her.Not you.

 

"She feels like having sex when she is not in the mood is giving back to me for everything I do for her" - That's simple - stop doing all of those nice things for her. - Just kidding!

Maybe you could explain that what makes it great for you is when the two of you cum during sex and you are willing to wait until that can happen and that the wait is worth it.

 

Similar situation here. I don’t have the answer. I don’t think my wife has the answer either. But I have found through chastity that being more attentive, listening, taking chances on what she might like, and supporting her has made a difference in increasing how well we connect. She smiles more, cuddles more, and shares more. It also helped me redefine intimacy for myself as something much more that grinding genitals. What I was missing was recognizing and appreciating her feminine sexual energy, not more sex.

 

Have the two of you looked toward the medical profession for an answer? You say that she loves sex, but her drive is simply diminished. Perhaps a hormonal imbalance exists that is dampening her desire. It might be worth having a candid discussion with a physician.

I wish the best to you both and hope you find a resolution.
Best regards,
Phen

 

Ok I am not the female perspective, but will chime in because many times we fool around, or have sex, and it is because she’s doing it for me.

I’m 3 inches, every single time she’s doing it for me. She gets her pleasure other times. Sometimes she wants to give me pleasure, that is her desire, it’s what she wants. Learning that just because it isn’t making her have a orgasm, it doesn’t mean that it’s not what she wants or enjoys. Would you feel the same way if she decided to give you a hand job? That too is all about you, and she isn’t getting anything out of it but the thrill of touching you. Instead of using her hand she’s using something else.

So if it pleases her to give you pleasure, say thank you and do as she wishes. It’s not about your denial, it’s about making her happy, and from your post it sounds like the only one who isn’t playing ball is you. So buck up, let her make you feel good, because that makes her feel good.

Good luck

 

Perhaps, like many of our partners, she is still finding her way. Denying you is not her nature.

It seems as if she has accepted chastity. It just might take more time for her to not feel guilty. I think this is a pretty common scenario for many of us.

In most other aspects of our relationships we seek some amount of balance. This just isn’t one of them. And, it is ok. Sort of.

 

i am totally in your wife's position right now. Im starting to understand on a mental level the desire to be locked up and to let your partner take control and be in control. As a woman who is socialized to take care of others, and who is busy managing and fixing things for people ALL THE TIME, it is really hard to shut that off in the sex part. I'm hoping "knowing" this will lead to "feeling" this. In the meantime, i know my on-again/off-again interest, etc., is part of the battle to allow this part of my husband's and my life to be about me.

 

I may not speak up for my love, but this topic describes our situation perfectly as well. We both also have a busy live and sexual “relief” became in the way as it is being described in above posts.

In the beginning of our chastity adventure, there was still a strong connection of "being in chaste" and our sex. I am kept more in "mental chastity" then caged (unfortunately) and my change of behaviour triggered both of us to move further along this road.

After my confession to chastity, now 8 months ago, I've asked my love very explicitly to take over the control of my orgasms. I stopped masturbating and watching porn (as part of my previous “relief methods”).

During our sex she started to learn the pleasure of denialing me. This brought back our passion and intimacy. Then she gradually increased the period of my denials to typically 2-4 weeks every time, which led to the effect that our both sex-drives became more in sync.

In the meantime, our intimacy developed substantially, mentally as well physically. Mentally as we start talking more and more about our feelings and emotions. Physically as our interactions includes now tremendously more cuddling, massaging, rubbing and a lot of other things.

Her “tease and denial” became my optimum mental and physical treasure. That is causing now that I’m much more looking forward to her T&D, rather than our PIV moments. During the T&D I have the feeling that our minds come strongly together, as she is continuously observing me to oversee all the results of her actions. We become much more “glued together” during these moments, rather than being focussed on our both reliefs like we did in the past.

Speaking for myself I conclude that previously it was so easy to listen to my libido and create an easy access to my relief. Also, the caring mentality of my love helped me even with this (blaming myself for that). Now, by discovering chastity my own change of mindset and behaviour became the most important instrument to improve our both lives. I’m more focussed on “taking care of her” and most importantly talk about feelings, emotions and intimacy.

We are learning about this adventure every day. A while ago, she told me that she would denial me for 4 months before she will consider my next full release. However, last weekend during our intercourse, she instructed me to cum on her command which I did. A day later she mentioned to me the drastic change of my mood and behaviour. And indeed, I felt “grumpy” and all energy drained out. I think this would become a very important lesson learned to continue the further development of our journey, which is perhaps about “switch of traditional mindsets” at both sides…

 

Thanks for this. We are using the cage now and then. However, my love seems to have still some reluctance to use it frequently and for longer periods on me. I feel she might still struggles with "a why question" and as @mrsKH said "hoping "knowing" this will lead to "feeling" this". For my love "feeling" is most of the time a "condition precedent" before she is doing something.

My change, physically and mentally, is well recognised - and enjoyed - by both of us. Mentally, she might be not that far yet. Perhaps this is also not that strange, as chastity and denial was in my mind already for a long time before I've told her. For her it was a complete new topic.

 

Maybe try for some time teasing and sex without an O. Just a teaser. She will feel like having sex and maybe feel better about your needs and you when you do not O you will climb mountains to make her happy. Teasing should take less time, less energy, any time any place. Maybe it's meeting point for her giving you a kind of sex and for you not having a full sex, just waiting for her.

 

I used to feel like this too, as I was a submissive before I met my husband. He brought out my dominant side and now I never want to go back.

But I used to think that if he is nice to me, I am supposed to give him sex. So I would, even if I didn't feel like it. This led to mediocre sex as it was hard for me to orgasm when not really turned on. So my husband and I had a talk, and he asked me to please only have sex when I am in the mood, even if he has to wait a long time.
As a dominant, that should be the natural course of things but it took me a while to dare to do it.

I now only have sex with him when I want to. This means he sometimes gets to wait a week or more, but the sex we do have is amazing for both of us. It's worth the wait. Quality over quantity.

So OP, convince your wife that the wait is worth it for you. That you rather have sparks fly in all directions, than her passively giving it to you because she thinks she has to. She's the dominant and she may learn what that means.

 

I am like Drews, my wife is very vanilla and low sex drive. I wear a device to even out our desires, wearing a device calms my sex drive and when you know for sure you aren't having sex, it makes it easier. Wife can unlock anytime she wants sex. We have sex more on her terms now and not mine, she says she feels less pressured and relaxed about it. We still have sex, just not for my release.

 

It’s me again. It will be a year under her control of my orgasms at the end of this month. Looking back at my prior post, I thought I’d provide more experienced insights. Hopefully the original poster is still around and benefiting from chastity.

I thought the same thing. Placing myself under her control, learning about her love language, and giving her attention when we speak has done wonders for her sex drive.

We dealt with the guilt as well. I made it clear to her that I only wanted sex if she was in the mood. This eventually changed to me showing her intimacy in other ways than sex and waiting for her to initiate any sex (anything involving our bits. Anything else was fair game to establish intimacy.) This didn’t happen all at once, but now she is the one who initiates and she is comfortable telling me she is tired or has too much on her mind. (I told her my job is to help her clear her mind, too.)

It is not enough to tell her that you want sex to be about her needs and mood. You also need to demonstrate that is really what you want by telling her “Thank you” when she lets you know she is not in the mood or thanking her for letting you please her on nights when she is the only one who has an orgasm. “Duty sex” is something that woman are taught over many years and is hard to unlearn. However, once she is set free, sex becomes more enjoyable for her since it is on her terms.

Not anymore for us.

From a man’s perspective, getting what you want, when you want is sort of boring. Yes, it is what every young boy want when he grows up, but it is a bit like buying yourself a present. Sure you get the thing you want, but you miss the anticipation (Unless you order online,lol) and the emotional connection. Making sex unpredictable increases my efforts to seduce and serve. It makes every day foreplay and seemingly makes sex much longer than 10 minutes between the sheets.

Lastly, chastity needs to be combined with self discovery. Take active steps to learn about improving a relationship (books, relaxation audios, planned discussions, date nights, etc.) Chastity by itself it is not the answer, but it can be the match that ignites change.

 

Hey that's interesting, thanks for sharing that with us. It explains a lot about the sex I used to have, and why the sex I have now is so much better. I can work with this.

 

@Blue00, the phrase 'duty sex' really resonated with me for many reasons. Either giving or receiving 'duty sex' is dispiriting.

 

Well, you aren’t masturbating and you are ready when she wants you. I’d say let her enjoy doing things FOR you as gift giving can be as good as receiving. I’m sure things will evolve if she wishes.