Growing resentment

Discussion in 'Chastity and orgasm denial' started by Anonoman, Oct 17, 2018.

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  1. Anonoman
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    Anonoman Member

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    I’ll have been locked up for a 4 weeks on Monday (4 days’ time). It’s been an experience so far but I can’t say a very pleasurable one. I asked for the key at the end of week two to have a wash and check my caged cleaning was working OK under my foreskin. It was/is. At week three I was able to pleasure my wife in bed once. There has been no other sexual contact. I’m sure people reading this will think that I’m not ‘putting the effort in’ or ‘setting the mood’ but we both have long and difficult days. My method of coping is to want to ‘make love’ and be sexually aroused; my wife is the opposite.

    A selfish way of looking at this is that my wife has taken full advantage and completely ignored me saying it’s “part of the game”. We have one rule – she makes the rules. It’s getting to the point that I’d start ‘negative attention seeking’ if it actually got me any attention! I’m not bursting with sexual frustration but I am bursting with a longing for any kind of sexual contact and/or arousal. I’d rather go back to watching porn and sorting things out myself. It might be lonely and lacking in any meaningful depth (or even much arousal) but it scratched an itch and limited my levels of resentment.

    As with everything, there are expectations on both sides and in this case they aren’t in alignment. We also clearly have a communication problem! I need to do some long thinking about how to approach the underlying issues that need fixing…
     
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  2. L-u-c-y
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    How have you been serving her during this time? Maybe she thinks you haven't earnt any attention yet.
     
  3. Doug Scibor
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    Doug Scibor Active member

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    A cautious line to walk. My wife doesn't have a strong drive and I spent two years being caged (off and on) before I think we have worked out an understanding.

    If you tell her what to do, you're topping from the bottom. If you hate being caged and forgotten (who wouldn't?) you need to let her know.

    It would be a good idea to schedule regular "open discussions" but once you have made your desires known, trust her to decide what's best for you. That's the difficult part. I have used masturbation as a 'coping mechanism' most of my life and chastity has taught me that I need to learn new skills.
     
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  4. henry58
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    I think their needs to be a clear understanding from both of you what the nature of the D/s element is. I recognise your wife's thought process, mine was very much the same; devotion without expectation. Maybe you are both not in sync with your dynamic.
     
  5. L-u-c-y
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    Maybe she is seeing how serious you are about it being for her. Maybe she is pushing you to your limit before you get anything.
     
  6. LesterBallard
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    LesterBallard Active member

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    you need to talk...
     
  7. Giles_English
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    Giles_English Chaste slave

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    The clue is in the "long and difficult days". You probably wouldn't - or shouldn't - be getting any if you weren't locked. She may be using her control to find what she actually wants. I think you need to wait for a milestone and have an actual conversation about this.
     
  8. Gigaman
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    Gigaman Kept by BK Wife

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    I agree you should talk to each other
    Not at each other
    Not mean hearted
    Not as someone who feels shorted or on the short end
    But talk to each other as friends
    She may have exactly what she wants right now. You need to see if she is willing to negotiates with you, it’s up to her. If she is willing go for something small that won’t effect her to much. Maybe supervised masterbation once a week. Be nice, be submissive and see if you guys can find some common ground. And don’t open with what your not getting, maybe aske her first if she is happy and getting what she needs out of this. Just my 4 cents!

    Good Luck
     
  9. Wonderwomanssub
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    Wonderwomanssub Active member

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    I'm in agreement with @L-u-c-y on her last post. At our start I told my wife it was all about her and I thought I really meant that. What I didn't realize was that my wife and I had different expectations as to what the phrase "it's all about you" meant. Her expectations were that I was to serve her in any way she wanted and only a small part of her desire to be served is sexual right now.

    My expectations were that it was all about her sexually even though I promised her I would serve her in all aspects of our lives. I was assuming a bigger part of it was going to be about sex. The truth is is that sex probably would be a much bigger part of our lifestyle if we had more time for eachother. My wife has been in school for almost 4 years and she's just about done but I feel very physically deprived of her in so many ways. I used to get fairly upset because I felt there was so little intimacy between us but the truth is that there is very little time and by the time we are alone she is exhausted.

    This is where I turned around and truly made it all about her and truly serving her. Instead of trying to get her to let me sexually pleasure her, I do whatever I can to make her life as easy as possible because she works so hard. Now that she sees that I'm not just trying to go after her physically but I'm truly serving and taking care of her, our relationship dynamic has changed even further. My enjoyment comes from her dominance over me and when I am allowed sex it's that much more amazing but I never know when it's going to happen so it's always a pleasant surprise.

    As Miss Lucy said, she may really be taking it to heart that it's about her and she may currently not feel the need to unlock you and play with you because she may physically and emotionally not want it because of stressors in her life. This is where your communication with her is key, don't just slowly grow more upset with her but try to caringly talk to her so she can tell you what's on her mind and why there has been a lack of intimacy between you for the last so many weeks. Believe me, I know what you're talking about, there were times where it felt like three weeks would go by and I wouldn't hardly get as much as a kiss from her. But the last thing I want to do is guilt her into sex because I think I need it.
     
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  10. mcfeely
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    That type of behavior is why I havn't been able to pull the trigger. I know I would probably be vindictive and take the game away from her(possible destroying or hurting her in the process). I'm not willing to risk our relationship. I know you said its about her rules and if you truly believe that the the above comments are right on. If not, then as a couple you really do need to review your expectations. If your not on the same page, maybe you need to discontinue the cage and possible revisit at a time when you both are in a better place.
     
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  11. Wonderwomanssub
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    Wonderwomanssub Active member

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    I promise I'm not trying to preach but another epiphany I had this year is that chastity is not always going to be fun or a good time. Sometimes it's frustrating and you want to be free. This is where there's a big difference between chastity as a game and chastity as a lifestyle. If you're truly living chastity as a lifestyle then you have to accept that there's going to be ups and downs just like it was before you were locked up. For me, when there's the "downs" I want to get to the bottom of it so life can resume as normal. Don't let your resentment get the best of you it will set you back in so many ways.
     
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  12. L-u-c-y
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    I think most have the idea of "lock it up and wait for fun to happen".

    What you should do is lock it up and forget about it. Then you will be pleasantly surprised when something does happen.
     
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  13. Joey love
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    After a failed attempt and a stint at self locking I spoke with my wife about me wearing a cage and how I have been for a while. She listened but seemed unenthused. The key is hanging on her mirror in the bedroom, not a word has been mentioned. She has never seen the cage and I doubt she has any idea what the keys are for. There have been some issues that keep our sex life on check for a while at times. If she comes around to being a KH great- if not, not.
    The best advice I got was to basically let it go where it’s gonna go. Good luck (to both of us)
     
  14. luckyhubby83
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    i would double down on making her life easier. and dont mention your cage every damn day. i struggle with this as well. im blessed with a KH who is pretty open minded and tolerant of my hobbies.
    some KH take months to get into the grove. others take years. some never really grasp the concept
     
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  15. Marrsub
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    I have felt this exact moment. But I've come to conclude it was my expectations in a desperate hour. Be patient.
    -Marr
     
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  16. Rectrix
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    Rectrix Active member

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    One of the best posts in the Mansion in months!! We all need to take this to heart and really examine ourselves and our expectations and our real purpose in being chaste men.
     
  17. Shepherdsflock
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    Shepherdsflock Active member

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    I know where you’re coming from. My wife has long stretches where her interest in anything sexual is less than zero. I would call her sexually bipolar.

    Others may disagree with me and call foul for “topping from the bottom” or other nonsense, but I say you just have to clearly and consistently communicate to her that you have needs too and ignoring them hurts your relationship. My wife and I struggled with this for many years, and still do occasionally.
     
  18. Nicoftime
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    Nicoftime The suspense is terrible...I hope it lasts

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    Many great posts so far, and would like to ask something...how was the sex before this?

    Some men I have seen over the years here have an almost asexual relationship, and buy a cage, trying to make a sexual game out of the sex they aren’t getting. The problem with that of course is the resentment that 1. She isn’t paying attention even a little, and 2. You are denying yourself and think that she would at least try every so often since she knows you’re locked up.

    Of course the problem is not really chastity related, and as you pointed out, more of a communication issue.

    If she really is on board, likes this, andyou like that she’s happy, suck it up and endure. Chances are the happier she is the more time will become available to share.

    Good luck
     
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  19. filltee
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    filltee Junior Member

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    When you start out with Male Chastity initially it is of course usually , despite all that might have been said, all about him. Getting a device that suits you both aesthetically is one 'both' thing getting one that works for him in all regards is defnitely a 'him' thing.

    The release schedule is usually one that enough to keep him turned on short term but not too long that he reall ydoes feel frustrated . This initial stage for want of a description to myself I consider to be chastity play ... nothing wrong with that.. in all things chastity it is what works for you two that matters. Develop or chose not to at your own pace.

    Some for myriad reasons prefer after that ..can we do this make it work for us and can we trust each other stage.. prefer that the one holding the keys star to take decisions increasingly more unilaterally ..with perhaps pre-arranged times for discussion. I'd advocate an always maintain open dialogue but not permit either nagging or whingeing.

    In time some of us allow our Kh a completely free hand .. My Lady decided she would just take control which for me s hot. Being controlled through being denied and locked bysomeone that genuinely wants to do that because she wants it is for me the best possible outcome.

    In normal circumstances the settling into this and and the evolutions that take place take time.

    The likelihood ( I don't know) in your case as with most is that the guy hears about and looks into the idea of Male Chastity. He really gets into it and even with exteme irony uses it to fuel some of masturbatory habits. It takes him a long time to get hiself the mindset necessary to introduce the idea to his partner. Who if not put off by the very idea of it is usually sevel months behing him in his acceptance and developed liking for the idea. If she agrees to go along with it she is very much in the dark not having been reading and obsessing about it for months.

    If you two want to enjoy TTTWD with any and all the benefits that can be part of the experience it wil take time. You WILL have to learn tha your leading of her is becomiong topping from the bottom and unlike you that may alresady know what you want from this she has to learn her own way too and all this before and whilst you are both working out what you both want the dynamic of your relationship to be and discovering together what it does become.

    You will have ups and downs, possibly arguements even heated ones at times and you will have to learn lik emany other guys that thing only really works when you start being denied for longer than you would want.

    I wish you luck...both mutual pleasure and understanding and above all lots of patience.
    Rome ... as they say .... was not built in a day
     
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  20. Steviepie
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    Steviepie Being developed for mental submission to Ms. Lucy

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    forget what Mistress? :)
     
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  21. Finn-egan
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    That's how it is here too. With both my wife and keyholder, it's about doing things for them. That's a surprisingly hard thing to come to grips with in reality. Neither has a high drive, and my keyholder is not interested in sex, preferring bdsm and receiving tantric massage. My wife occasionally has me use a strap on. The rest is hugs, and foot-rubs, and general care and affection in both cases. There is no hot, unlocked sex, or 3 ways, etc. With my wife, I'm locked and denied so much that putting on a strap-on is as exciting as sex, and the pressure from it feels as good as our regular sex used to. With my keyholder, I've learned to enjoy (as much as I can!) cbt and such.

    I used to masturbate furiously to the idea of never being allowed masturbation or penetration again...Now that it's actually here, Ive been in the exact same boat as the OP. He's definitely not alone in this experience, and I know exactly how he feels. The other key for me/us, is that all sexual or kinky things are up to the women. Once I really accepted this fully. I was able to not try and turn every foot rub, or massage into foreplay.

    There will be times when I give physical, non-sexual pleasure, and it will not turn into anything for me. Again, part of the trick of this is to enjoy the denial of this. When something does happen, the degree of denial is going to make the experience very heightened. Enjoy that. Enjoy that you are what your wife/keyholder wants. Sometimes it's going to suck, or be boring, or seem like forever. Keep up the non sexual attention. Show love and affection. Expect and demand nothing.

    Also communicate. Women sometimes think that putting a cage on it, makes you less horny. Discuss. Be honest. Best of luck!!!
     
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  22. Steviepie
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    Steviepie Being developed for mental submission to Ms. Lucy

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    this is a rare post reflecting the beauty and reality of chastity - thank you for sharing
     
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  23. AmaraValeris
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    AmaraValeris Member

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    Totally this! +1. For a lot of men who bring up chastity with their partners a lot of their fantasies seemed to be rooted in femdon or solely sexual favors and pleasures. Sex sex sex 100% sex all the time sex. It's not realistic. (I know @Anonoman isn't saying that's his full fantasy, it's more of a general statement about preconceived notions.)

    Chastity is meant to get you to a new normal in your relationship and that will include a lot of non-sexual activities. Not all women think sex is the end all and be all of a meaningful relationship. It's a hard adjustment to realize that her wants might be much more mundane, like being on your knees when she walks in the house after fully cleaning the kitchen. Being proactive always gets Locke rewards, because it means he's thinking about my wants when I'm not there, things that take the stress off of me before I have to voice them.

    It sounds like your coping mechanisms for stress are different too which will impact how you want to release the tension for yourself. Like others have said, you'll need to communicate with her about what is and isn't satisfying you with this. When you first start out, there may be a feeling of topping from the bottom; she might not know exactly what to do or where her limits are if she's never thought of them. Sharing your fantasies or desires (on both sides) can open the door to a discussion about what she wants to experiment with and try out. It's gotta be a mutual talk about what both of you hope to get our of this and hope to achieve for your new normal.
     
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  24. Mojoman
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    Mojoman Member

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    Not sure who said it above, but whoever it was, I agree that this problem has, in my opinion, very little to do with chastity or any other kink. It seems that quite a good proportion of couples have a situation where one partner has completely lost interest in sex, which generally results in resentment from the other partner. No matter what age you are, it is normal for there to be sexual activity (or at least some form of intimacy) in a healthy loving relationship. Anonoman's wife seems to have taken her dominant position as all the excuse she needs to withdraw from physical activity of any kind, so it is hardly surprising that Anonoman is struggling with this.

    I think that if I were in Anonoman's situation, I would get myself out of my cage and say "Let's forget all this kinky stuff for the time being. The relationship is not working for me anymore and I don't think it's working for you either. I feel unloved and unwanted. Can we get some counselling to help us get back to where we were before?"

    It may even be that Mrs Anonoman is just plain fed up with the burden of responsibility that comes from being the dominant all the time. Maybe she just doesn't fancy caged cock anymore. It could be any other non-kink reason.

    Anonoman, I feel sympathy for your plight and hope that you manage to get things sorted. Good luck.
     
  25. Anonoman
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    Anonoman Member

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    I'm absolutely overwhelmed by the many, many messages of support and wise words above. I couldn't have hoped for more. I wish I could reply to each...
    In terms of frequency, our sex life was about once every week to 10 days. I carefully approached it that I though this was more through 'putting out' than desire. I know my wife isn't turned on by submissive males although I'm equally happy to take a D or s role.
    I'll add some more when I can...
     
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