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Gosh, where do I go with this?

Discussion in 'The Vault' started by Shepherdsflock, Aug 4, 2017.

  1. As someone who spent nearly two years as a hormonal eunuch (my balls quit working, and it took my doctors a while to figure out what was going on) I'll second the words of caution.

    I too have had similar experiences re: dysphoria, and have in the past considered and fantasized about both castration and/or penectomy.

    The reality of being a eunuch was (for me) nothing like what I'd read. I don't doubt that some find the "eunuch calm" they seek. What I found was massive weight gain, depression, mood swings, uncontrollable temper, hot flashes, and unrelenting dark suicidal thoughts.

    Now that I'm on T replacement and back to mid-normal levels, I'm a lot better (still working on losing the weight tho).

    Like everyone has said, take it slow and steady.

    (I'd still jump at the chance for a professional penectomy though)
    Jasmic68 and Shepherdsflock like this.
  2. Thanks for the feedback. It's good to hear both sides of the issue.

    What do you think makes the difference between those who enjoy being a eunuch and those who have bad experiences?
  3. Thank you for sharing that. I would hope to be like him. As far as SRS, I don't think that's a realistic solution for me. I don't identify as female, don't want to dress as female or look female in any way except for my genitalia. As far as I know no reputable gender therapist or surgeon would allow such a surgery on someone who has no intention of living completely as a woman.
  4. No idea, and I'm honestly not really qualified to have an opinion. Medicine and biology is weird. That's one reason we have really effective anti-depressants that can have side effects in some people like "causes suicidal thoughts".

    I can give you some anecdotals though: my doctor said I had the lowest T-levels she'd ever seen on an adult, male or female—well below "clinically low" even for a 40 y.o. woman.

    So maybe there's a "sweet spot" for low T that brings on the calm? Or maybe something in my biochemistry makes me react differently to low/no T? I know I'm not alone in that though. I've read of other eunuchs who experienced similar outcomes and they eventually went on T replacement.

    All I can say for sure is to make sure you're under the care and monitoring of a skilled endocrinologist if you go this route, and make sure you and your wife are paying attention to your moods and behaviors. Depression and suicidal thoughts are not at all rational and can come on with shocking rapidity.
  5. Shepherdsflock, you might consider the effect that accidental exposure of your penectomy (if you have one) might have on your children. Accidents happen.
  6. That is a major consideration and one of the reasons both my wife and I think that chemical castration is the best place to start. The less change needs to be made to my body, the better. If hormone treatment can get me to where I am comfortable and happy, then that would be best. Especially if it can be done with no or minimal feminization.
  7. The truth is that male and or female hormones (both sexes have both, in different ratios) are needed to maintain optimal health especially at older ages. Dementia, and osteoporosis are two effects of low testosterone that jump immediately to mind.

    If you want to be impotent, I'm sure that a calculated series of penile injuries can induce that. Being impotent will not, of course, affect your desire - just your ability.

    A counselor will be able to advise you better, but it's possible some high dose SSRIs like Prozac will reduce your libido greatly.
  8. I don't want any injuries. I've already been down that road and I think it was leading me to suicide. I don't want that. SSRI or Prozac may very well be options, but I want medical guidance because I don't want to end up as an obituary.
  9. I cannot think of anything worse than to still have the desire but not the ability to do anything about it.
  10. That's pretty much what chastity is, isn't it?
  11. I don't know... to me that seems like a much easier conversation to have than explaining what a chastity device is. We've already had the "everybody's bodies are different" talk, and our kids have seen people now and then (even other kids) with limb amputations...
  12. That it is, but having a penectomy whilst not having a castration would be chastity on a completely different level!

    Not that I get to use my penis much any way!

    But there is always hope...
  13. Shepherdsflock, I've been a lurker on here for the most part, checking in and out from time to time. I was interested in your posts because I believe we share some of the same background. You mentioned you were Christian and had only been with your wife. I share the same history with my wife, and as such I'd like to chip in from a fellow Christian's perspective. First, I applaud you for being committed to your wife and seeing it through for you and your kids despite the sexual issues you've experienced. It's so easy in today's society to call it off and break the promises made at your wedding. Second, I'm glad you found chastity as something that has awoken some sexual desire in your wife, while at the same time showing your love for her by being chaste for her. From a biblical perspective I believe most things are 'permissible' from a biblical perspective inside a committed marriage. Exploring fantasies, toys, roleplay, etc are great ways to bring more intimacy to your marriage.
    However, i would stop short at anything that is damaging to yourself or your marriage. For example, porn can be damaging to your relationships inside and outside of marriage. (Side note: Ironically, porn helped me discover chastity, and then chastity along with a good support group and church helped me reduce my porn intake and stop masturbating)
    So going down the road of damaging your God given body is something you should think long and hard about and pray about with your wife. I don't know everything about you, but on the surface I would say that a dysphoria is a disease. You don't treat a disease by catering to it. For example, you wouldn't advise someone who suffers from anorexia to continue to starve themselves. You would get them help to cure the anorexia.
    Another thing to think about would be, God forbid, your wife were to pass away. Permanently altering your genitalia would have major implications for a future spouse if that were ever to happen.
    I'd be interested in private messaging with you for some advice of my own if you're up for it at some point as well. Cheers.
    ineverknew likes this.
  14. I want to be clear that I won't do anything without first consulting the guidance of a therapist. I called several today since it turned out that my insurance company did not have up to date records on who is actually a provider in their network.

    The goal in my mind is to find the best solution that carries the least risk. Right now that would seem to be some form of hormone therapy. However, step one is consultation with a therapist.
    Jasmic68 likes this.
  15. Good news. I found a therapist today who specializes in gender issues and got cleared by my insurance. Just have a $25 co-pay per visit. I have an appointment for Friday.
    Giveitup, hubsub, SubVerity and 3 others like this.
  16. Appointment went okay. I was pretty nervous about talking to a stranger about very personal things, but the lady did a pretty good job of helping me feel comfortable.

    She said I would benefit from learning more about gender issues and encouraged me to read up all I can. She did think that some form of hormone therapy might be beneficial and encouraged me to contact an endocrinologist at the university hospital to discuss the pros and cons.

    That's it for now.
    NoloMeTangere and tomf_22033 like this.
  17. Been super busy, traveling a lot for work. Had another meeting with the therapist. Went okay. Have another one next week. Have an appointment with an endocrinologist scheduled for mid October to discuss hormone treatment.

    Last week my wife had some feelings of regret about pushing me to be castrated. She thought we should try having intercourse one last time to see if we would change our minds.

    The experience wasn't very good. After many months of not having any erections or orgasms, I had a hard time getting hard enough to penetrate her. I think part of it was psychological, my heart wasn't really in it. Anyway, I think she felt the same. She was struggling to maintain any level of arousal.

    I finally managed get hard enough to get into her. Having not been penetrated in a long time, her face showed how much fun she wasn't having. I lasted maybe a minute and it was over before I knew it. I barely felt the orgasm and went limp.

    I had an unexplainable feeling of emptiness the next day. She was sore and had a UTI.

    We didn't discuss it until this morning. We decided that was the last strike. Regardless of what happens with chemical castration, we decided that I am done using my penis for anything.

    The plan for now is to continue pursuing chemical castration. She wants it because she finds the idea of me being impotent very attractive. I find it attractive because it will knock down my sex drive to where not being able to use my penis won't be so frustrating.

    I'm looking forward to being able to maintain permanent chastity without the inconvenience of wearing a cage all the time.
    spider203 likes this.
  18. Last night was interesting. I had been gone for a few days to meet with the global operations management team of a major motorcycle company. Yesterday, before I came home, we had a phone conversation during which the decision was made that I was permanently done using my penis and that we were going to continue pursuing chemical castration.

    I am at peace with these decisions. When I arrived home, I unpacked and was undressing for bed when my wife came in. She told me to lay down on the bed and close my eyes. She did something she has never done without being asked. She put on my favorite pair of panties that I love seeing her in. She never has worn them without being asked to.

    She laid down next to me and said I could open my eyes. I love seeing her naked in those panties. She said that she was really proud of me for making such a commitment and that since she no longer had to worry about me using my cock ever again she wants to start making love more often. I typically travel three days per week, and she said she wants to start making love every night that I'm home.

    What followed was perhaps the best lovemaking we've ever had. She was so into it, I don't think I've ever seen her quite like that.
  19. No doubt, castration is a complex and permanent process and it's heartening (and wise) that you're consulting experts. While I'm uncaged (irrelevant because I'm flaccid due to medication), my wife and I have decided that my penis is only to be used for urination and that sitting down. If my wife desires it (she never has mentioned it) and I were to get the go-ahead from medical professionals I would happily agree to surgical castration. My testicles no longer have a practical use and their removal would neuter me visually, which would please me. Thanks for sharing your journey.
  20. One thing I'm not sure you people are considering is that when you go the route of chemical castration it not only destroys you libido and ability to get erections(though that can vary) you also lose the mental initiative. So say months and months from now you chemically castrated and your wife wants to make love whatever that is, your mental attitude most likely will like "meh", or no thanks, seems like a lot of work, not interested. Whether your penis works or not your sexual libido comes from testosterone which you will have none of. just a thought I think you should consider. From my personal experience I was put on an anti-anxiety medication a few months ago after some health problems, I'm only 43, and this medication destroyed my interest in sex in every possible way. Nothing turned me on and just had no desire. Was not fun.
  21. Howdy, I just read the entire thread and am a bit worried for you.

    Having some issues with my hormone system right now and have seen several different doctors and specialists. I have a whole different situation than you, but know from speaking to them that this is a delicate balancing act that you probably shouldn't mess with unless you HAVE to.

    I was born intersex, had many female secondary sexual characteristics. In the 70's it was treated with surgeries and massive doses of hormones to jump start my system into being male and to grow male characteristics. It worked for the most part. My labia and pseudo vagina was sewn shut, testicles were surgically moved down(after a few years), and the hormone treatments allowed for some penile growth and was hairy in all the "right" places. Somethings developed after puberty breast growth, hip development, female fat distribution, and I don't sweat or smell like a normal guy. It all seemed to work, I grew up male, look male besides some awkward years when my breasts developed as a teen, and acted male. Yes I said acted. I never felt male and have overcompensated my entire life. So much so, I have trouble just being me because sometimes the role is so engrained.

    Anyway, I guess I didn't need to share all that but since it's already typed will leave it. My point being, is that it's a delicate system, and now after many years, my body is having trouble converting testosterone. The doctors say this will take time to fully happen but is slowly becoming estrogen dominant. More testosterone will not help, I make plenty, it's not being processed. All three doctors told me I would eventually need to take estrogen at some point. Your body needs these to do various things that stabilize your body.

    You say you do not want to be feminine or change...a certain amount WILL happen. I am going through this now, it's not all at once or openly noticeable to the general public but changes occur. I do not feel comfortable taking my shirt off anymore. They aren't man-boobs, they are and look like breasts. Also, although I am lacking testosterone conversion, I am horny all the time. Mostly through chastity I'm sure and all that has happened from it. My erections are still right there when I need them once the cage is removed and can finish in seconds if allowed.

    So I guess what I'm saying is be careful. The endo system is not something to be messed with unless it's needed. Yes people take hormones to change gender, but it's not without risk, and usually comes down to saving their life because without it they are miserable. Not something to be done on a whim, so your wife doesn't have to see you hard, or so you can cuddle with her without her feeling guilty.
    Sublifter49 and spider203 like this.
  22. I'm completely open to the chance that it may not end up working for me. I haven't met with the endocrinologist yet, and don't know how things will or won't progress after that meeting. But, it's either some form of castration or permanent chastity from here on out. I'm not going to be having erections or using my penis anymore.
  23. I'm also highly skeptical of her words and behavior last night.
  24. Your wife needs to understand that castration is permanent and that it literally would be your sacrifice. The only question is: do YOU want castration?
  25. Mistress Jules

    Mistress Jules Professional Dominatrix and Owner of Lockit
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    I have read this thread and really feel for you and your struggles however you are only 35yrs old if your profile is true. This is very young to be taking such a step.

    To make such huge physical changes is ridiculous without going through a whole lot of therapy to see why you have these feelings. I also think your wife should go through therapy as well to try and help her enjoy such an intimate coupling. Sexual relations are supposed to be enjoyable, that neither of you seem to have enjoyed them very much is something I think you should look at first. Way before you start messing up your body in what could be an irreversible manner.