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Gosh, where do I go with this?

Discussion in 'The Vault' started by Shepherdsflock, Aug 4, 2017.

  1. This morning was interesting to say the least. We both needed to shower and decided to shower together to save time before the kids woke up.

    As I was washing, I took my cage off to clean down there and clean the cage. My wife reached over and started scrubbing me and then started telling me that she liked how flaccid I was. Well, with all the rubbing and the warm water I started to get hard. She stopped and looked at me with a disappointed look. She didn't say anything more until we were out of the shower.

    While we were drying off, I asked her why she had that look on her face. She point blank looked me in the eyes and told me very seriously that she thinks I would make a very cute eunuch and that is what she wants.

    So, I am not sure exactly how serious she is about this. I am a little scared right now.
     
    Love&Passion and NsToy like this.
  2. She wont do that will She. That means having it chopped off. There be blood all over the place and you will has to go to hospital as well.
     
  3. No, she would never do that. But if surgery were an option she might want that. I don't really know at this point. I plan on speaking with her about it later and see if this is just a fantasy she has or if she seriously wants me to be a eunuch.
     
    jemima likes this.
  4. I hope she is just messing with you. As you mentioned before, payback time for her. ;)
     
  5. My wife expects me to get erect when she touches me. She likes to play with my penis and make it strain against my cage or edge it over and over again. A Eunuch would not sexually desire her or be aroused doing it. You would have no reason to serve her unless you were into being someone's slave without benefits. :)
     
  6. For all I know, maybe that's what she wants. Until I have a chance to discuss it with her, I can only guess.
     
  7. A eunuch can be a guy who has been castrated or one who is incapable of procreation even though he has all his parts. In ancient times I think the latter would include not being able to have an erection. This seems close to what your wife was commenting on!
     
  8. I'm assuming that she just doesn't want me to have an erection, but I still haven't spoken to her about it.
     
  9. Well, that didn't go exactly as I expected.

    First, the good news. For Jeminma's curiosity, the answer is a definite no, she has no desire to attack me with a knife and do at-home surgery.

    Now for the other news. I won't call it bad news. Maybe it's good news, I'm not sure. Still processing everything.

    Just like a woman to bring things out of the distant past and make you question everything. First I will address her feelings. She would definitely like for me to be a eunuch. It is something she confided she finds attractive. She finds the idea attractive of me not having sexual needs but still being willing to fulfill her needs.

    She said I've been expressing less and less of my own sexual desires over the last two years and she thinks I would make a good and happy eunuch. She suggested that the frustration I often experience with being chaste for long periods would be eliminated to a large degree if I were castrated and that I might not need to wear a device anymore and deal with all the inconveniences they bring with them.

    She brought up some things from my past that maybe I never really dealt with and explain why I am able to endure long periods of chastity with relatively few problems. When I was much younger, under the age of ten, I began to experience genital dysphoria. For many, many years I felt weird about having a penis and testicles. It got pretty bad at times and I did some pretty dangerous and self-destructive things trying to relieve those feelings.

    This continued until early into our marriage. I thought getting married would cure me of these feelings. It didn't. And I got really depressed and angry about it. I hurt myself bad enough that I couldn't hide it from her one day when I tried to castrate myself. This was shortly after the birth of our second child. It was a very scary time for me. I knew that if I continued down that road, I might end up hurting myself in a way that could kill me or disable me permanently. Having two very young children I decided then and there that I would just endure the feelings of dysphoria I had for the sake of the kids.

    That was about 6 years ago, and since then I have done a pretty good job of pushing those feelings to the back burner and ignoring them. But they are definitely still there, I just don't engage them or do anything about them.

    My wife said that she can tell by how much happier I am being locked up that it somehow helps with those feelings of dysphoria. She said that when she started pushing for longer and longer lockup periods, that she thought I would struggle badly. She was surprised that for the most part I took to it like a fish to water. She thinks I should seriously consider seeing a counselor and explore the idea of being castrated either by hormones or surgery.

    I'm still processing all of this. I kind of felt like I had the dysphoria thing under control, but after talking with her, I'm thinking she may be right. I have never enjoyed intercourse and experience some pretty bad anxiety when we would do it. I always thought if I did it enough I would eventually get over my dysphoria and like my genitalia. But the more we did it, the worse it got. And the only good reason not to be a eunuch, according to my wife, is to be able to continue having intercourse. We already have five kids and don't really feel a need for more, so sterility and inability to reproduce isn't an issue.

    So, this is where I am. I think my wife is on to something. The thought of having significant relief from the feelings of dysphoria is very attractive. Not having biological urges to do things with my genitals that I find weird and uncomfortable would be nice. And knowing that my wife finds the idea of me being a eunuch attractive takes away any fears of her feeling bad for me.

    I need to think long and hard about this.
     
    SubVerity likes this.
  10. There's some big and serious issues you're discussing here. Have you ever sought professional help about the dysphoria? Do you think you should before considering making any irreversible changes to your body?
     
    Steve-0 likes this.
  11. Never have, but that was part of the conversation.
     
  12. Heavy stuff. I would second meeting with a counsellor/professional to see what's up.
    Seems like you have quite a journey ahead.
     
  13. During our conversation I told her I wanted to discuss it all with a therapist before either of us made any commitments to the idea.
     
    Lakeman and Steve-0 like this.
  14. I made a list of the gender therapists in my city this evening and will be making some calls Monday. Kind of nervous; I saw a therapist once when I was a kid and I thought it was weird.
     
  15. I think you are overthinking her comment. Sure she doesn't really want you to be a eunuch (i.e. balls removed).
     
  16. Not over thinking it. She definitely wants me to be a eunuch. She is okay with chemical castration, surgical removal isn't important to her. She believes we would both be happier. She never wants my penis involved in sex again and thinks I would have an easier life as a eunuch rather than permanent chastity.
     
  17. Doesn't sound like a good life decision. You can say no!
     
  18. I'm going to let a counselor talk me through it. Given my past struggles, there is a part of her argument that makes sense to me. I want to speak with a counselor that can look at this objectively without any emotional attachment to one side or the other of the issue.
     
  19. Oh, and it's not just about her wishes and what she finds appealing. She knows it's only a matter of time until I can't stave off the dysphoria issue and have more problems again. That is also part of why she thinks I would be happier as a eunuch. Kind of a win/win situation. It might be best for both of us.
     
  20. Hi Shepherdsflock!
    I left Chastityforums because it seems to be dieing, and bump into you here. I'm very surprised to see the direction this is going for you, but I'm happy that you've discovered what drives you.

    That said, I thought your wife was asexual. If you become a eunuch then there will be no sex at all in your relationship. Also, from what I read, part of her enjoyment was torturing you by thwarting your desire. If the desire is gone, some of her enjoyment will be gone as well.

    I was reading about "banding." Perhaps banding combined with a number of piercings could induce a permanently flaccid numb state, while leaving your desire untouched. You would always want, but be permanently unable to do anything. The downside is that your wife would probably have to help you do the bandings hard enough to work.
     
    Jasmic68 likes this.
  21. I am no expert but I have read a lot of people's experiences with castration, both here and at another forum I am a member of that discusses genital modification. To clear up a few misconceptions as I understand them, castration is the removal of the testicles either surgically or chemically. It doesn't mean the surgical removal of the penis. It also doesn't mean the complete removal of sexual desire, think about it, people who have gender reassignment surgery have their testicles removed and their glans changed from a part of a penis to a functional clitoris. They do not lose their sexual desire, but It does however mean that drugs have to be taken to balance things.

    I haven't written about this in my journals but this is something my Wife and I have discussed as well. I find the idea of being castrated at a point later on in life very appealing. I like the look, I like the fact that I would still be able to sexually please my Wife without needing reciprocation of any sort being necessary. My Wife knows that this is a fantasy of mine and uses it to tease me very effectively. Unlike the OP I would also consider the complete removal of my penis as well if this was possible professionally, especially given the changes you experience post castration regarding the loss of erections making it essentially useless.

    Right now I am not interested in it happening but, like the OP I have dysphoria regarding my penis and testicles. I also went through a destructive phase both when I was pre-teen and a few years ago. I have cut my genitals so much that the pain became a drug and the changing look something I became addicted to, it is the reason I wear a chastity device, to help me control these urges. I won't go into details but the things I have done to myself are pretty horrific. I am lucky to have such a loving, caring Wife, who has stood by me and made me feel like I can do something differently than the castration scenario.

    Chastity very much fulfills this need for both of us. We aren't asexual and I hope we never are. This intimacy that chastity has given where sex can but doesn't have to happen is amazing.

    I hadn't thought about getting counseling for my feelings and I would be very interested to hear about your experiences, @Shepherdsflock@Shepherdsflock. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and good luck.
     
  22. Some things have changed since then. She has opened up considerably since then. I understand her libido way better now. She needs a few weeks between sessions to recharge. During those weeks she really only wants some cuddling and nothing more. Anything more just really turns her off and lengthens the "recharge" period. And during the times when she is at peak, she needs lots of touching followed by manual clitoral stimulation. She does best if she can't see or feel me being erect. That is an arousal killer for her.

    We have discussed our sex life at length and she told me that a lot of the sex we have been having lately has been mostly an effort by her to try to please me. She frankly was finding her efforts a bit exhausting and was relieved to hear that more sex wasn't really helping me. She was honest with me and said she was getting frustrated with the level of effort she was putting into it and doesn't know how much longer she could have maintained it.

    She would like our sex life to be more in tune with her cycle and a drop in my libido would help us move more at her pace.

    As for thwarting my desire, that just turned out to be a misunderstanding on both of our parts. For a long time she thought I liked being denied. That got cleared up several months ago when I told her one night that I didn't like her touching me so much on the cage. I ended up explaining to her that denial wasn't a big turn on for me. Once she understood that it wasn't doing anything for me and I really just wanted to make love without my penis involved, she happily obliged.

    Most of all, she wants me to be happy, and one of my big problems is feeling out of control of my libido. Way back when I was hurting myself I had done some investigation into castration and one thing that appealed to me was that so many castrated men said that for the first time in their lives they felt in control of their libido after being castrated. This is one big reason Inwant to see a counselor. The genital dysphoria and feeling out of control might be treatable through castration and I want to discuss it to see if my suspicions are correct.
     
  23. Jasmic, I think you probably understand where I'm at better than most would. It's not that I would like to experience no sexual sensations at all, it's just that I have problems with how I currently experience them.

    Actually, I would also consider the removal of my penis much as you would. I have a difficult time with the way erections feel. I don't like it at all. It has always felt very foreign to me. I also feel weird about the way my genitals look on my body. They just look like they don't belong there. I wouldn't say I'm exactly transgender, but the way a vagina looks and works fits more closely with how I feel my body should look and work. If a man could have SRS without having to transition completely to being female, I would definitely want that.

    I know that being a eunuch wouldn't make my genitalia go away, but it would (I hope) give me a level of control over my libido to where I could stop having erections. That alone would be a huge improvement for me. I am also like you in that I would like to be able to please my wife without any reciprocation. And since my wife really doesn't need much sexually, being a eunuch would be a great match for her sexuality (and she desires it, so that's even better). I have read accounts from other eunuchs that their sexuality shifted more toward wanting affection and cuddling and that would suit my wife perfectly. If I could cuddle with her without getting all aroused and excited it would bring a lot more intimacy to our marriage.

    I will post an update when I manage to get an appointment with a counselor.
     
    Jasmic68 likes this.
  24. One of my human ponies, had an orchidectomy to treat recurrent malignant prostate cancer, which it did very effectively.

    That was about 10 years ago and cost him ~ £2k to have it done privately.

    He was in a long-term marriage which, though affectionate and loving, no longer involved any physical sex acts.

    Though heterosexual he was heavily into male/male bondage, as the one being restrained.

    After the operation he lost all interest in sex and kink, and had no wish to do either.

    He still enjoyed kissing and cuddling his wife, but had no desire for sex with her, or anybody else.

    No wish to be involved in the kind of role-play, human-pony, bondage or corporal punishment he'd been doing.

    To the extent that he gave me his extensive library and boxes of kit as it no longer had any interest or value.

    Just as a final comment, I've been advised that if you plan to eventual transition male to female, then surgical castration is not recommended, apparently though it happens in the final operation, it can make the rest of the surgery more complicated.
     
    Jasmic68 likes this.
  25. Thanks for the account of your experience of the person you knew who was castrated, @Guy@Guy . That sort of thing is exactly what makes this forum the amazing place that it is.