fumbling my way through

Discussion in 'Journals and blogs' started by j24757, Feb 5, 2009.

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  1. j24757
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    j24757 seeking a Mistress

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    Hello everyone,

    I joined this forum about a week ago hoping to find some answers to why i feel the way i do when i wear womens pantyhose. I am a sub who has never truly been owned and/or encouraged to explore these desires. I have stumbled on to the erotic sensations of the feel of wearing pantyhose when i was a teenager and i used to steal them from my sister. I never understood why i was so obsessed to wear them even to this day.

    I have a "part time" Mistress who i visit but i dont feel she is into the same things i am. I have been completely open and honest with her about my desires and wants and she always seems interested but she never follows through with what i tell her. I dont feel it is my place to remind her constantly or even tell her "no" to what we are doing at the moment, mainly because she likes to explore other fetishes i am also very interested in.

    It seems my fetishes are numerous and i cant decide on just one or two. I so want to find that one Mistress who can teach me/control me on a daily basis. Without that daily control i find myself out of control, or on sexual binges. Not that i do anything bad, but if the urge hits me (which is quite often) i can find myself encasing myself in numerous pairs of pantyhose and womens underwear and spending the entire day masturbating. Sometimes up to 5 times a day. After a day of self abuse i feel so ashamed and empty because i feel it was a complete waste since i could not dedicate that experience to a Mistress.

    Even though my "part time" Mistress does not really keep in consistent contact with me, i have tried to have her in charge of when i am allowed to cum. The arrangement we made was that i was only allowed to cum after i have contacted her and gotten permission. When she would give me permission it felt now as if i had a purpose to my orgasms, i had a reason to cum. It was for the pleasure of my Mistress. But as time has gone passed, my "part time" Mistress rarely replies to my requests. Not because she is denying me an orgasm, but because she has just moved on.

    I never felt more fulfilled as when i was given permission to cum. And it was even more fulfilling when there was an assignment assigned to the event such as being told to call her first and talk to her while i masturbated, or being told to eat my cum when i was done, or maybe even take pictures of myself dressed in my pantyhose.

    I know there is so much more out there, so much i am missing out on, but i dont know where to find it, how to ask for it, or even what "it" is.

    Hopefully this journal will help me put all the confusion that is in my mind out there into the universe and the answers will come back to me.

    lost,
    j24757
     
  2. Mistress Michelle
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    Mistress Michelle Magical Mistress

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    :sex020::sex020:Hi and Welcome to the Mansion,
    Finding a Mistress can be a difficult task but if you keep trying you will come across the right fit. I see from your profile that you do not own a chastity device, I would encourage you to purchase one and use it. I do realize that having a Mistress is your ultimate goal but in the meantime you should be learning to wear a chastity device.
    The problem with any Mistress/sub relationship is that sometimes vanilla life gets in the way. For example...a couple months ago I was enjoying the company of several sissys and subs I had acquired. Then out of the blue My husband/pet comes down with an illness that takes Me away from them and all the time we had online to be together. So, as a result they are left dangleing in sissy/ sub space and have scattered. So, whatever happened to your Mistress you had, just remember, life gets in the way of this lifestyle sometimes and the best thing you can do is get up and get busy finding a new One. It can be done if you keep trying. So, My advice, keep looking, get a chastity device, and enjoy what times you do have to play. Maybe you can find an online Mistress to keep you occupied till another one close to wear you live comes along.

    Mistress Michelle
     
  3. maid katrin
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    maid katrin chaste sissy maid

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    hello

    i think your situation is as half as unique a you might believe. Many subs/sissies have started like that and finding a Mistress who perfectly your needs and expectations is a very difficult thing. Only a few of us were lucky enough to finding their "Perfect Mistress".

    What i can suggest to do is that first of all you never must give up hope. Be always open and honest and make yourself clear what you really want ... from my own experience i know that is much more difficult than it looks like in the first place.

    Mistress Michelle is right, why not starting with self imposed chastity. Did you talk with your part time Mistress about the use of a chastity device?

    I hope you do not mind me asking a question but from your little account it looks like you are seeking for a Mistress that exactly follows your directions? To me it looks a bit like topping from the bottom and i am not sure whether this is a good start. Of course, if a Mistress doesn't share any of your kinks She might not be the right one for you as sessions will always leave you unmet.

    So when you are trying to find a Mistress via cyberspace so you should think about what you are prepared to and truly can offer. Define what your kinks are and in which directions you are willing to explore new dimensions.

    As i wrote, it is hard to find a Mistress though not impossible.

    Good luck

    maid katrin
     
  4. j24757
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    j24757 seeking a Mistress

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    thank you for the insight

    Hello Mistress Michelle & maid katrin,

    You both make wonderful points. I will get myself a chastity device and begin my own self control.

    Its nice to have another set of eyes to point out the obvious and not so obvious things that i miss. katrin, your comment on me "topping from the bottom" had never crossed my mind. I definitely do not want to offend my Mistress by doing that. Which was never my original intention. I do believe in telling her my interests and desires, but if she doesn't take it from there i guess i can accept the things we already do together (which i truly enjoy), or talk with her respectfully and tell her that maybe its time for me to move on.

    Please keep the advice coming, i really appreciate it.

    j24757
     
  5. mikecb
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    mikecb Member

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    j, yes, purchasing a chastity device ASAP is definitely a good idea. Finding a device that works is not so much a "purchase" as a "journey". Few of us hit it on the first try. The sooner you start, the sooner you will arrive! That said, do expect some bumps in the road. Many people get totally frustrated and give up on the first try, because their first device doesn't work for their body. Keep the end in mind!

    Best of luck!
    mikecb
     
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