FLR seems to be over

Discussion in 'Female led relationships' started by GoddessG, Feb 10, 2020.

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  1. filltee
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    filltee Junior Member

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    It is difficult to get to know a person online let alone two that are also in a relationship...getting to know their dynamic well enough to offer useful permanent advice from an informed perspective would be far more than just difficult.

    That you both wanted your relationship to be Female Led but could not really agree on what terms is apparent .. clearly you have come to a major crossroads. Whether or not your relationship as a whole will survive this will it seems depend a great deal on what if any compromises you are both prepared to make. There are of course as many different degrees of FLR as there are couples so perhaps it may be possible to fashion one that works for you both.

    I really would recommend that you both consider what the future may hold for you as a couple, can you get past this or, perhaps regretably, are your differences insurmountable?
     
  2. GoddessG
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    Exactly this.. all I've asked and done is carry out and declare a want which is within the confines of what he begs for.

    I've made it abundantly clear that I'm not playing anymore unless my wants and expectations are carried out.

    I've also asked him to say out what loud what 'FLR' is an abbreviation

    It was mentioned above that he seems to be a dominant sub and my goodness he is just that! I've told him as much too.

    I've also asked him if he wants to have an FLR or go back to how we were, he wants an FLR. I have made it abundantly clear that I am not indulging in the kink side of that until I am satisfied enough he is going to follow that through into the more vanilla side of things. He wants and says he needs total control both kink and regular/vanilla..he says is when he is horny. I've taken on board all comments above for which I am very thankful and am not going to indulge the kink until he proves he is not saying things he does not mean..

    He wants a full and total FLR, he either has and accepts it or he goes back to how we were..
     
  3. GoddessLslave
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    GoddessLslave Active member

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    Good to see that you have made it crystal clear that what you say goes, AT ALL TIMES @GoddessG and not just when he feels like it.

    I really hope he has taken this on board and fulfills all your wants and wishes.

    Good luck to you GoddessG
     
  4. pokekey
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    pokekey Long term member

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    As a guy who fantasizes, I can understand your partner’s experience. In the world of fantasy, being dominated and controlled can be very exciting. “Oh, yes, baby, take the keys, tell me what to do, I have no other choice.”

    But in the world of reality, things I don’t want to do are still things I don’t want to do. “Oh,wait, you want me to do that? No, that’s a lot of work. Not something I want to do.”

    So as fodder for masturbation, one might fantasize about being the domestic servant but when told to go clean the bathroom there is nothing what so ever exciting about that. No mam, does not sound like fun to me and this is all about fun.

    This in no way excuses his behavior. He needs to grow up, recognize the difference between fantasy and reality, make deals he can keep, and learn, above all, learn do things for you. It has been a little while since I read your initial complaint, so I may be overstating the case, but this was my impression.

    I have not initiated a FLR with M because there are many areas of my life in which I don’t want to be lead. Nor, I think, does she want to lead. But I have given her control over my sexual experience. She does not do everything I fantasize about. There is more denial that I prefer right now. I try to stay calm and let it roll. There are plenty of other guys here who have reported an even more respectable job of actually submitting to their partner’s wishes. The real test of submission comes when the request is against your wishes.

    I know that I’m middling submissive in the sexual realm and not particularly submissive otherwise but am good an discussing and compromising in relationship.

    I’ve not read “Uniquely Riki” (sp?) but have read other things she wrote and generally agree that this is good advise for you.
     
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  5. imhers24x7
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    imhers24x7 Member

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    #55 imhers24x7, Feb 15, 2020
    Last edited: Feb 15, 2020
    It's "Uniquely Rika" and I have bought it yesterday after getting the tip in this thread.
    It is by far the best book I have read about FLR so far as it is really about 24x7 reality and not about fantasy and role play.

    I can strongly recommend reading this book.

    Quote from the book:
    If you don't read the full book, read at least chapter 3!

    In fact I am reading it together with my KH/mistress and she is super happy that she is now asured that she doesn't have to play any roles to satisfy me.

    Imhers
     
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  6. MistressLolo
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    @GoddessG I completely feel your frustration and anger, and totally empathise. 6 years in with my sub and still finding the balance to make it work for both of us. He is very dominant in his vanilla life and this sometimes creeps in to our FLR. He often needs reminding that it is a lifestyle choice, not me playing a part in him living out his kink. Communication is fundamental. Taking a deep breath and not just saying "f**k it, I'm done with this!!"

    My DM is always open
     
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  7. Abstraction
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    Abstraction Force of nature
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    Sounds like he thinks 'F' in FLR stands for fantasy. He's got a fantasy to play out and you see it as a lifestyle choice.
     
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  8. PeturKitty 58
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    PeturKitty 58 Long term member

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    Great advice. We've both have had many "f**k it" moments as well. I think the key for us is that its something we both want. Real FLR's are a lot of work. Often times it's two steps forward and one back.
     
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  9. Xileh
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    Xileh Happily Serving

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    Nailed it.
     
  10. Xileh
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    Xileh Happily Serving

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    Yes. The sub needs to be working his ass off. He is still struggling with being a “man”.

    It is this realization that separates fantasy from reality. Whimps need not apply.

    If it is too much work for the woman, he needs to step up his game. There is more he needs to do. He needs to anticipate more. He should not rely on direction. If he requires female direction, he has failed.

    If he struggles with his manliness, he needs to fully satisfy the woman in his life. Then he will realize he no longer needs to struggle. He has figured it out.
     
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  11. imhers24x7
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    imhers24x7 Member

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    I wouldn't say it this hard, as the female has to help her man learning how to satisfy her, which is what he was asking for.

    A FLR in my understanding is always something's which should be on top of a working relationship.
    I don't wan't to be in a relationship were I got the feeling or fear that I "fail".

    I think I know what you want to say, that anticipation is a must and that a FLR shouldn't add more work to the female, saying to her sub, what he needs to do all the time.
    But giving hints in the right direction will satisfy both.

    Imhers
     
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  12. loricat
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    I'm so sorry you're going through this!
    You probably don't need yet another voice telling you that you're right to feel angry and frustrated. It truly does sound like he wants the fantasy (not necessarily the reality) of an FLR, he wants all of the great things done TO him that he reads about/sees in porn, he is definitely a Do-Me "submissive" and he is not at all in touch with what he really wants.

    Does he want you to find pleasure in this? Does he think pleasure for YOU will come solely from the knowledge that HIS fantasies are being fulfilled?

    Kink can be in your heart, in your head or in your genitals (ie just for pleasure) - and all of them are legitimate. There's no "True Way." You two can probably find a happy medium where you pick and choose your times to play that are suitable to you BOTH...

    Good luck!
     
  13. Abstraction
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    Abstraction Force of nature
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    @pokekey is absolutely right - it's much easier to fantasise about being submissive but when a woman suddenly says do this and that the fantasy practitioner finds himself on the receiving end and realises that doing is much harder than dreaming. So either he puts his fantasy to practice or separates the two completely and acknowledges that the fantasy will never become reality.
     
  14. theplaything
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    theplaything New member

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    Remember, it's meant to consensual and not cohesive. Consent is not something that should only be given only once. Each party has the right to withdraw their consent at any moment. Without anyone to dominate you can't be dominant. And, without consent it's an abusive relationship physically and emotionally.

    You need to find out each others needs and negotiate and cooperate not make demands. In such situations think of yourself as therapist and not the great dictator.
     
  15. sissydavenport
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    sissydavenport Locked sissy sub / spouse of Mistress Davenport

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    But She is totally within Her right to be frustrated. He consistently begs for one thing and then changes his mind when he gets it. Consent in a Femdom relationship is a bit more nuanced than two vanilla people having vanilla people intercourse. He is literally asking Her to take control, and when She does, he revokes the request and defers it to acts and times more convenient to him. The very nature of what W/we do is to agree to have a Woman be in charge of our relationship and be open to what She wants and desires. Traditional consent or not, it's just shitty to pick and choose the circumstances of submission. The Mistress is just as vulnerable as the submissive in these situations.
     
  16. theplaything
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    theplaything New member

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    It's not about "wants and desires" it's about needs.
     
  17. Abstraction
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    Abstraction Force of nature
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    @theplaything - yes, both sides' needs. And both sides need to articulate those needs and if these change they need to re-articulate them. Not just move goalposts on a whim because their fantasy doesn't match the reality.
     
  18. BarbCD
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    BarbCD Long term member

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    This is one of the best threads I’ve read on CM. I’m not in an FLR, nor desire one. Don’t consider myself a slave either. But I appreciate a good dialog, and there is great advice in here for almost any relationship, not just FLR. Since it seems silly to “like” every post I’ll just thank you all here for the discussion and sharing of experiences.
     
  19. theplaything
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  20. GoddessG
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    It's been incredible hasn't it!

    I'm so very grateful for the amazing insight and opinions/feedback. It's been eye opening.

    I've been popping on when I can and taking heed of what all have said.

    He read to page 25 of the uniquely rika book and grumbled she takes all the fun out of it. :rolleyes: I said that his comment was my point - anyway he is a work in progress. I'll get what I want eventually, he has since said I will but he isn't ready quite yet.
     
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  21. GoddessG
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  22. BarbCD
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    BarbCD Long term member

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    HEH! His comment is quite interesting! And does kind of support what you and many others here were thinking.

    I hope you DO get what you want eventually, and by that I mean both of you of course since the whole area of FLR is consensual non-consent. Please keep us posted when you can.
     
  23. johnjames55
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    johnjames55 Long term member

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    The Dominant wife rulebook by Mistress Jessica may be of help, it is a guide giving choices of domestic/kink and sexual requirements of the Mistress and the sub/slave may say he is ready for this or needs more time, an interesting punishment if the sub does not follow through properly when he cedes control is to add another rule (consensualy). Useful for deepening a Mistresses control and he signs each rule so can't deny it later.
     
  24. PerhapsJustAdog
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    PerhapsJustAdog Active member

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    Humans are complicated. Regardless of whether you subscribe to a freudian id/ego/superego model or not it's pretty clear to me at my advanced age (cough... well ok... somewhat) that there's something to that. Societal norms, self worth, self image - all sorts of things can easily become road blocks on the road to something one wants. There's also the difference between fantasy and reality. Rarely does the former survive the collision with the latter wholly intact.

    However, as many have already noted - communication is key, open, clear and honest communication. And it's a never ending process, as someone pointed out - consent is not forever. Circumstances change, we change imperceptibly as time passes as well. To me and my lovely Wife it seems that constantly reaffirming, in all sorts of little ways, who we are and what we want is what has got us through some really, REALLY tough times. And I don't mean where we have doubted us, but rather where life has intruded in cruel and unusual ways.

    Yet here we are. Almost 20 years on. Kids who are teenagers. And still..... we keep going and I love her as much today if not more. More. Because we've shared everything. Good and bad and stuck with it.

    Life isn't a straight line, energy isn't constant, lust such as it is isn't constant. And for us the core was never the rules or roles but the love. The rest as they say followed from that.

    But perhaps we are the odd ones out.
     
  25. Byrdie
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    Byrdie Junior Member
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    Huh.

    Earlier in this thread, someone said that he had some sort of (internal?) script that he was following but hadn’t shared with you. Combined with his reaction to “Uniquely Rika”, I’m wondering what book / story he’s getting his vision of an FLR from.

    I’m not saying that you should follow that script, but it might be useful to know what exactly he expecting and get some more insight in why he keeps balking when you actually lead.
     
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