FLR isn’t abuse so I think I’ll keep her

Discussion in 'Female led relationships' started by Nicoftime, Mar 31, 2018.

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  1. Nicoftime
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    Nicoftime The suspense is terrible...I hope it lasts

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    Every so often a member will respond to someone’s adventures here as abuse, indifferent, or mean. Although I suppose it could go that way, just know that this lifestyle isn’t always just about who is doing the dishes, there are sexual components that are all about power or the loss of it.

    If someone says anyone that gets off on hurting you should be kicked to the curb, intent is what counts, not the actual action. If she tied me to the bed and teases me and then slaps my balls, it’s not the same as her walking up to me and slapping them. The context is different. Her telling me to bend over she going to punish me for being naughty isn’t the same as just felt like hurting you.

    Denying me orgasms and keeping me on the cusp of subbie space so that we are both happier isn’t her being selfish or the same as her just ignoring my needs.

    First and foremost couples discuss what turns them on or what they would like to try before doing it or immediately after to see how they felt about it.

    I don’t know how you could find this site, become a member, and know so little about the dynamics of a power exchange.

    Do others here actually feel that when disciplined, your partner is being cruel? Do others here think their being denied orgasms is mean spirited?
     
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  2. ENCCOUPLE
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    ENCCOUPLE Member

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    Totally agree with what you said. Each relationship is unique. The longer I'm caged and denied the more attentive I am to MLM. Makes me a better husband/sub. As far as discipline, makes feel more loved, submissive. Nothing I would' not do to please her.
     
  3. LesterBallard
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    LesterBallard Long term member

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    Diff'rent strokes and all that.

    There are very different dynamics at play in the chastity scene. Is being denied an orgasm mean spirited? Some will say "definitely." Some will say "never." Depends what you went into this hoping to find.

    Me, I'm more on the "never" end of the continuum. Never, as in never... It's a challenge, but I like a challenge
     
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  4. Cincy
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    Cincy Long term member

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    Mean spirited, no way...that's her way of being very good to me.
     
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  5. Mash2214
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    Mash2214 Locked today, tomorrow, forever

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    Thanks for your insight. You always know the right thing to say.
     
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  6. Nicoftime
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    Nicoftime The suspense is terrible...I hope it lasts

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    Well it certainly isn’t always right but I sure don’t mind saying it:D:rolleyes::+1:
     
  7. Deleted member 53138
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    Really well written and I couldn't agree more!
     
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  8. withallsenses
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    withallsenses New member

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    What a great post @Nicoftime. I couldn't agree more.

    <<Denying me orgasms and keeping me on the cusp of subbie space so that we are both happier isn’t her being selfish or the same as her just ignoring my needs.>>

    This should not be that difficult to understand? Happiness and satisfaction of both sides is what counts, no one does it without the green light from the other party involved, otherwise this would be simple abuse.
     
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  9. LadyMoon
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    We run into stumbling blocks when we assume that everyone runs their relationship exactly the same (or even when we assume that everyone is in, or wants to be in, a relationship). In this kind of lifestyle, there are very few "shoulds" that apply to everyone.

    I agree that intent is important, and that intent cannot be judged from action. Depending on the people, a spanking could be a deserved discipline, a sadist's ordeal, kinksters' playtime, or a masochist's reward. (It could also be an abuser's abuse; consent is also crucial.)

    I do not have a discipline dynamic in my relationship, but I do inflict pain. I'm sure some would see this as cruel or unfair.

    As far as pain play, ruined orgasms, chastity, or whatever you're engaged in... call "yellow" or "red" or say "time out" and have a discussion about any activities that are beyond what you can handle. If a ruined orgasm or some other activity feels abusive or is bringing up feelings of anger, rage, resentment, depression, and so forth, please talk to the other person in your relationship.
     
  10. Mash2214
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    Mash2214 Locked today, tomorrow, forever

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    Very well said. communication, trust and compassion go along way towards a successful relationship no matter how Kinky
     
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  11. Giles_English
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    Giles_English Chaste slave

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    Mean and cruel are fine by me. I love it when Xena does something on whim, or whips me when she's genuinely irritated. I think that extra layer where everything's really done for effect is both hard to maintain, and hard work.
     
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  12. JiL
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    JiL servitude4u

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    Being a bit mean is one thing and being truly abusive is another. True abuse has no place here and assumes that there is little to no consent on the receiving end. I believe the danger for abuse is greater for younger people who have not known their partners for very long and probably are not married. For the rest of us, the elements of a FLR works well in all the ways previously described.
     
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  13. Mash2214
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    Mash2214 Locked today, tomorrow, forever

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    You bring up a very important point @JiL " the danger of abuse when people don't know each other very well " Not everyone has the advantage of spending years getting to know and Love their Spouse before entering into a relationship of submissiveness and discipline. I personally don't understand how so many people make it work when they have no intimate connection to their Keyholder it must be very difficult and challenging not to cross that line of abuse.
     
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  14. LadyMoon
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    Why do you believe that negotiating a satisfying, non-abusive relationship is "difficult and challenging" outside of marriage/long-term relationships? (Furthermore, from all that I've seen among the women I know, being married, being in love, being older, or knowing someone well does not protect you from being abused by that person.)
     
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  15. Mash2214
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    Mash2214 Locked today, tomorrow, forever

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    I hear what your saying just because you know someone doesn't protect you from abuse. What I'm trying to say or understand. Isn't it difficult with relationships where your not close to know their limits and not go over them. I married very young and still with the same lovely lady, and trust her fully. I'm foreign to relationships outside of marriage where people have very little contact with each other. For the Doms and the subs that find what their looking for in this kind of arrangement my hat goes off to them, they have found how to make it work. I apologize if I offended you it wasn't my intention at all.
     
  16. LadyMoon
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    Ah, OK. I gotcha. There is definitely abuse, and predators in the BDSM community are a real thing. But I think that most conscientious kinksters are very careful with negotiating around their limits and the type of sensations, pain, or manipulation they are interested in exploring together. It's standard to talk with a bottom/sub about emotional triggers, medical issues, whether they're adequately rested and hydrated, what parts of their body it's OK to touch and which are off-limits, and even down to questions like "Can I leave bruises?" or "Are there certain words that I need to avoid?"

    As you alluded to, when you are playing with someone that you've known for a long time, there may not need to be a lot of formal negotiation. Many couples still do, though, when they're considering introducing a brand-new activity like pegging or cuckolding.
     
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  17. Mandynjack
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    Mandynjack Long term member

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    Imposition in FLR starts many years before with a very deep and meaningful understanding of what all parties want and need. Full and complete FLR is not sex play, it's a real full time way of life established over many years of getting under each others skin and embracing each others dynamics. A very long and often drawn out negotiation between the parties, reaching a point where all boundaries are fully understood and respected, but also pushed. In real and valuable FLR, the male has not been dragged kicking and screaming into a subjugated position in his life. Together with his woman, he has moved through various consensual stages (as has she) to reach a point where everything is placed and the new lives enter their enduring state. Coercion from the female is the result of the male pleading to be coerced! It's as much his need as hers. A pure consensual contract. Anything less is abuse potential. I have written before on similar themes "Her Right' etc and 'Female Supremacy'. Often with quite vociferous reposts. Only now do I understand that from the less initiated, this would appear controlling, coercive, pretentious. It's not any of that, providing the parties have walked their journeys together with understanding and consent.
     
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