First baby steps from fantasy to reality

Hi all

I've been reading on this site for about 3 years now, became a member about a year ago, but was still kinda shy about my chastity fetish. But recently My partner found out about it, which was the most embarrassing experience in my life yet it kinda felt releiving.
Still insecure, but trying to sort out the fantasy from reality and looking to make it a relational thing between me and my partner instead of a hidden fantasy...

So I'm doing a lot of reading on all the forums xp. The fact that I'm posting here is o e of the many babysteps i'm trying to take.

Full story underneath. Optional.
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I'm in a vanilla relationship for 10 years. She is quite vanilla, I tried to spice things up every now and then.. About 2 years ago stumbled across chastity play and started experimenting on my own and kept doing just that. She just recently found my cage.

We sold our house and will be moving soon and my partner stumbled across my cage thinking it was of previous owner of our house... (he was gay and she connected it to him bc of the shape of it, i guess) In bed late at night she told me I had to look behind my drawer bc she found something disturbing from previous owner. I knew what time it was..

Then came the excruciatingly awkward but releiving confession that I might have that particular fetish. She instantly became a lot more soft toned (= not judgy). She tried to be understanding; she told me she was happy that I'm the kind of guy that experiments on his own and not with other women, and she was okay with it, because everyone has his own weird things, or so she says.

However I'm in dubio on how to proceed. On the one hand it might be the best time to explore and communicate because its all in the open but on the other hand she didnt really seek involvement in my 'fantasy'. Which it is to her.

I tried to explain the underlying reasons why I explored it. About 6 months ago I all ready confessed I loved tease and denial play (not getting to cum, teasing without necesarily having sex, servitude as a way of arousal and pleasure,...). She was very understanding back then as well. She then tried it one time but after that it fuzzled into the background, which i understand from her point of view.
Now it feels similar. While she accepts its one of my fantasies/kinks, she doesnt really get involved or ask any questions.

The canandrum for me: I don't want her to force her into this if she doesnt want to. I would love to explore together with her, but don't really know how to ease into it without overwhelming her. And since she knows about the cage, its been pretty weird for me last couple of days. I kinda want to reopen our talk because I was completely flustered and ashamed on the spot. But I really don't want her to worry about it or mull about it. Mulling over things is kinda her 2nd nature.

I'm really looking for a 'good' way to get us a bit acqainted with it, without immediately expecting her to start engaging 100 percent.

 

P

Embracing, thats what i was looking for xp. May I ask: how did you start off? discussing wearing it around the house (i see this a lot on other posts) without the keyholder element? Or did you start off deciding 'together'through the cards and dices?

 

Yeah, that's what my gut says as well. Glad to see the curiousity towards a cage remained

 

Thanks for the response.
To clarify: she hasn't seen me wear it yet, I experimented mostly when she was away. So I'm not even accustomed to longterm wear tbh. Its why I feel I should maybe start where knightly suggested (see beneath)
As for the t&d and kinky stuff, that really isnt a must for me. To me it's mostly about making the process a shared search.
@knightly suggested to ease into the process through 'devotional sex' (https://devotionalsex.com/) without necessarily starting off with a chastity cage as a starting point to initiate a conversation about it all. I don't really know how she feels about me wearing it while at home or in her presence.
, that's why I feel a follow up talk could be illuminating for both of us... without the intention of putting pressure or burdening her. I want to know which parts of it she might be okay with experimenting.
But like said, I'm having some trouble about formulating it in a more vanilla way to not scare her. Most importantly I'm searching for an honest and open talk in which her feelings get the priority, so i know how she feels about making it a shared thing or not...but to do so I must disclose some things.

As for our sex life: weekly/ every other week depending on work and energy levels after the workweek. I usually masturbate about once a week as well. She is fine with that, bc my libido is higher.

Sorry for the ramble

 

Huge leap!
Last night we had a spontaneous talk that kept going for hours.

I've been mulling over opening up the converstation again for 2 weeks, writing notes, letters to spark a conversation, rewriting, rethinking,... I also remained chaste for the last 2 weeks without her knowing it. but was building up the courage.

But then last night after I came home we had a relaxing and connecting time in our garden. I felt that tonight would be a good time to open up. After some time she instructed me to be in the bedroom within a minute or else... I suspected she did it following her recent discovery and to cater my needs and went a long, she tried to go all out and I really appreciated it and told her that, She took control and she was quite aroused so she came. Amazing how she never felt dominant, but during 'playtime' she can really get into it sometimes. I managed to get her to orgasm without cumming myself, usually we come pretty close together, but this time I just felt I had the stamina left. Usually she would make me come as well now, BUT:

After she came, I slowly kept going for a bit, and asked if I'd been good and if she felt I deserved a reward. When she nodded is when I opened up and told her it would really feel like a reward if she didn't let me cum. That's when intimacy took over from arousal. We started talking while I was still in her, couple minutes later talking continued but she pulled away playfully. Talking continued, while we cuddled. We ended up talking for 4 hours (not only about chastity and FLR).

It started of by me thanking her multiple times for being so open minded to allow me the reward of not cumming. Then I gave her platform and asked her if it wasnt to weird for her, how she felt about the idea of saving myself for her; later in the talk asked her if she would be comfortable making me save myself for her thus making it a shared experience. She shared for quite a bit, saying that she was intrigued about the idea. then she confessed she just always assumed that 'succesfull' sex meant it envolved the need to orgasm for the man. And that sometimes she would rush into sex after cuddling or kissing at night just to quickly get me off, because that's what she thought I wanted. She told it was liberating to hear.

I started explaining that deep down it's not about the kinky play, or cuffs or cage for me. Rather it's about putting her needs first, putting her on the pedestal because it's just what she deserves. I explained how much I adore and love her in daily life and that when I put off orgasming it makes me fall in love with her even more and more. and how I love to feel in love and weakharted (dunno if it translates into english) for her and when around her, because it just makes me adore her even more. I explained I just want to fulfill her needs, whatever they are and that that's a huge turn on for me. She really understood and then she told me she quite liked the idea, and she was honored I wanted to do it for her. She told me it was liberating to hear, because she really would like to be intimate more often, but without the sex necessasrily. Just enjoying some cuddling, kisses, erotic play without sex,... --> It really struck an accord, she seemed to really like hearing this confession.

That's where it really got interesting. She started sharing a lot of elements she would like about it and basically she was going way further then i anticipated. And instead of trying to explain everything to her. She started summing up things that came very close to a lot of elements about FLR-lifestyle and I just listened in awe, because what she was describing came very close to FLR with(mental) chastity. She basically took over how we could experimenting,... and I loved every minute of that. Afterwards I told her I would like that very much as well, and I thanked her extensively for giving me the courage to open up, for being so openminded toward it all, for really engaging into understanding that it's a deeper need within me to devote my attention to her. And for being really happy that apparantly it might have awakened something within her deeper self.

Because she was so understanding and into it, I had the courage to be a bit more specific: how would you feel if I would for example pledge to not orgasm for 2 weeks for you, would you have the perseverance 'to keep me in line' and help me succeed? She smilingly said that she would'nt mind at all and that it would be quite easy for her to do so while still claiming the intimate play she wanted. "I'll make sure I choose the position to have sex very carefully so I'm the only one getting to the finishline" (her exact words ) It went back and forth and became a lot more concrete.

She asked how she could make sure it would'nt come accross to bitchy or indifferent if she would put her needs first, and how I would manage to accept the fact that she is fine with PIV only once every 2 weeks,... I told her that at the start we would really need to communicate clearly about our feelings and that I could keep track of my feelings during the denial period. Then I reassured her that the entire point of my pledge is that she could just follow her pace of sexuality and that it's up to me to respect it.
Then I answered to her question on how not to be to bitchy,... I answered her that it would help me if she were to be supportive and stimulating to make me grow into my role. Then I told her it would feel good to be acknowledged every once in a while, and i gave example that after some playtime without a release for me, she could say that's she appreciates how I save myself, or that she would carress me while cuddling; that I would'nt like to become like a human toy that gets trown into a corner after use, but instead I do it in search of intimacy and that intimacy is key for me to fullfill my role... (I really tried not to top from bottom here, but also to reassure her). She also really enjoys intimacy so I told her I feel like that might be very natural to us both anyway.

I told her that the cage itself was more of a mental stimulus of putting her needs first and being aware she is in control. This is how I honestly feel.

That's when she started sharing that in life she generally is the giving kind of person and that she wants to grow in accepting when others give to her. That she is worth recieving love and attention as well and that she felt she really wanted to explore that for herself. On how to let other people give to her. This was after an hour or 2, and then we just talked on a more phylosofical level while cooking, dining,... about what she wants in life, on how she wants to grow as a person. --> Very connecting experience, which we do quite often. We really love deepening our bond that way and love making the other person grow as well.

So now I'm 2 weeks in denial, she said she was really on board with the experiment to include this in to our relation. She hinted that tommorrow she would be gone so it would mean me waiting at least untill sunday .
She even liked using my chastity cage at home as something to play with.
We unerlined the importance of open and honest communication coming weeks/months and to check in with eachother often. Man, do i love my Woman. I am looking so forward to devoting myself to her and witness growth as a person. During the talk, there were some moments the catchphrase (carefull what you wish for) started dooming in front of me, but what a huge leap.

Just had to write this all down, mainly for myself, because it all still feels a bit surreal.

 

3rd talk is the charm!
I am currently - for the first time - locked in chastity with my Partner knowing it, accepting it and sharing control. It's a major first for us. We've had some major lifechanges since august and since that last time in which She accepted to deny me an orgasm (previous post), things went back to how they were for a while because of said lifechanges. She changed job, we moved to a different city. So it all got pushed to the background.

Last couple of weeks I noticed that She started to get a bit more directive during sex. She would state what would build her to an orgasm, She would reposition my hand when I was caressing Her intimite parts. So, last monday morning as we woke up and cuddled for a bit, I asked if I could be 'in' Her for a bit. She was a bit startled and said in a soft voice 'off course, i'm just surprised, it's the first time ever you've asked this' So I went inside while cuddling, not really doing a lot, just gently swaying. After a while I asked if She'd like me to bring her to orgasm, She said no and I pulled out a minute later.

Yesterday we were talking about our day, talking about how all the changes are for Her. We were talking for an hour about how She felt this job suited her well; about how She really appreciated my emotional support in particular last 6 months. That I really opened Her eyes on some things and how She really felt they were very meaningfull to her. She has said this a lot lately, that She really has a lot to my listening to Her and my view on finding meaning in life.

So at a certain point I just shoot my shot and ask if I can ask Her something completely different: "How did you feel about me asking persmission to enter You last monday? I hope It wasn't to weird for You...?" She soothed me repeating it just was something new for Her. I then told her that I really appreciated her efforts in taking more of a leading roll in the bedroom. She told me it wasn't really in a very conscious way, that She just noticed that lately I seemed to have a little less stamina -.- and that She liked it more if I just kept a steady pace and come, instead of halting or pausing to often,... And that She just wanted to be open to me what worked for Her. At some point She also said that she noticed a broader change where I was a lot more attentive in the householdshores and that She really liked that it has become a shared responsibility. She shared for quite a while, after that I tried to structure it a bit.
I told Her that it felt really good and rewarding to unburden Her in the household and pampering Her in the weekends. (In the weekends it's my objective to pamper all Her needs, refill her coffee, go get Her book, footmassage, draw Her a bath... so She really doesn't have to do a thing.) That it's an inner need in me that wants to serve Her, not only sexually. She blushed and said she really liked it whenever I focus or devote myself to Her. I then said I really like that to, and repeated I want to serve Her because I truly worship the magnificent person She is.

After that She asked me how I would imagine 'it' could evolve. Meaning how the 'dominant' side of Her could give me what I need. She also circled back at how I noticed Her being a bit more directive in the bedroom and how it didn't feel like having to play a role, and that it felt more natural for Her last couple of weeks. (Which calmed me, because I was worried She would do this all for me by playing a role without seeing the purpose for Herself)
I started telling Her that I have a lot of fantasies, but I only want to do things She is truly on board with. That me wanting to serve Her is the central idea, which means I will also accept and understand if She doesn't feel that much for certain things. I told Her I want to discover things She likes so I can better serve her sexually.
I then said I could always give some examples and She could just say if She would be into that or not. She said She wanted that and gave me a calming, soothing look to make clear I could share some things now.
I started of with orgasm control/ orgasm denial. She allready knew it's one of my 'triggers'. I told Her that I would love to be denied orgasms as She would get her orgasms. I would gift Her without getting relief myself. She didn't really feel much for it, She said. She then explained: orgasms for me ar not a must have. I could do without them. What I can't do without is intimacy, kissing, cuddles. She told me she loves it everytime I surprise her with an intimate hug, a passionate kiss, cuddle time, me slowly caressing Her as She wakes up. That She really doesn't like the prospect of not letting me orgasm because She was afraid I would get frustrated, that She could lose me if she wouldn't 'give' me enough.
I felt it wasn't easy for Her to tell this, because She seemed to feel that She rejected my shared fantasy. However, after the first blow 'I don't like it' I slowly understood that my 'motive' for orgasm control isn't that different from what She truly enjoys. So when She was done I said to Her that she indeed could forget the orgasm denial and me making her orgasm without getting anything myself, that its not a must for me. and I tried to clarify that for me not orgasming means that all those acts of intimacy get more intense. That instead of reaching my climax once, I far more enjoy to build myself up, because by delaying myself, I find that the pleasure I get from hugging, kissing,... greatly increases. She understood it far better now, and I myself as well tbh . I'm just broadstroking it here btw.

Then the conversation came to a halt for a minute, in which we seemed to understand eachother. Then She gave me room to share something else if I wanted to. Somewhat embarassed I opened up about wanting to wear a chastity cage. I repeated that intimacy gives me far more pleasure compared to just sex + orgasm. That I am a male and that I have a pretty active libido and that it's not always easy to delay myself in a moment of hightened arousal. That I sometime push myself over the climax when alone and aroused and that I am disapointed in myself afterwards. She understood this, but told me she didn't really have a clue about this. I replied that the cage could also help me in communicating my needs better. She seemed to like it this far, and see some 'pro's' to the cage.
I told her that a cage could be an extra mental threshhold for me in not giving in. That it prevents my erection and when the erection doesn't come trough it's easier not to give in. (She understood this ) That a cage could remind me of Her, certainly if we would set a goal together. That a cage would make things clear in my head. f.e. When we decide I'm wearing it, it is not okay for me to do things without first communicating to her about it. I then circled back to my communicating better with her. That we could set an agreement: whenever we are playing with the cage, whether im physically wearing it or not, It is not okay for me to do things without first communicating with her about the needs I feel, and that even then she gets to decide to act upon them or not. untill after the goal is reached --> Here I had to clarify some things to Her, she asked some things and I replied to the best of my ability. It wasn't really me telling her what I want. Rather, I felt like she was negotiating... She was really incorporating everything to then decide what and how she sees her self engaging with these things. It was very vulnerable and humbling, yet very exciting. She was structuring it, seeing which things She saw herself do, ask me to clarify when I was confusing Her,...

I was surprised that She also engaged on more practic matters... Some of the things she wanted me to clarify:
Who sets 'the goal'? "Does it have to be me, because I don't know if I want that yet." I told Her we could set a goal together, and that She could be a motivator (to help me reach it), or a teaser (testing me, teasing me non sexually about it,...), that it's not Her job to check and controll me so I wouldn't cheat, but that it's rather my resposibility. That in whatever way She feels like handling it, She should. That for me the thrill is in experiencing I belong to Her, to feel as Her worthy servant. And that whenever She doesn't know how she wants to handle it, if She would like some insight into how it is for me, if She is feeling doubts,... She can always ask me.
When would you wear it? "just at home? for a short period? It can't be very comfortable..": I told Her that I could start by wearing it in the house. That as far as I've tested the cage, it felt okay, but that it was just a cheap model which is fine for testing, but not for long term wear.
Do places exist to customize them to your size? I told her there were and that for long term a steel cage is suggested. But isn't that heavy? Is silicone an option? I explained Her that can be more tricky for hygiene and sterilisation (found on most forums). And that for now while we experiment, it's fine using the 2 cheaper models I allready have. That I would also be carefull to see if it doesn't do any harm while wearing it,... That I would take it off in the shower to clean. "And you should sterilize it frequently as well."
I could feel She was engaging and thinking with me. I then asked Her if I wasn't being to weird, and that it's not something I want to force onto Her. She shushed me and told me she was happy I told Her. That now She knows how and what I think and that She is curious about 'playing' with me. I told Her I would like that very much.

At the end when She understood everything and was like: okay I can see myself do this in a natural manner.
I reiterated that we could just experiment and be honest about it and She agreed. I then asked her If I could put a cage on to show her. She agreed, I told her it could take a while because I was a bit enlarged . I came back with both devices. 1 Caged under my clothes and 1 device in my pocket. She first wanted to feel it, so I sat next to her and she feeled me up under my trousers. With a genuine tone She said 'poor guy, doesn't it hurt? isn't it to heavy?'. I calmed her and told her it's fine, told her the pro's and con's of both devices for me. (one has a base ring that's to big, but doesn't pinch my skin; the other has a far better fitting base ring, but cuts a bit when my penis tries to get erect). And that when time is right we can always upgrade to custom made.

Again I asked Her: Are You sure about this? She nodded. I hugged her and thanked her for being so understanding, for being so open to it all. She answered She was glad I shared it with her. Then suddenly she said: so your cage should stay on for 2 days now? with a naughty/devilish but sweet smile. I answered I would very much like that, and that a day longer would be fine as well, because then it would be saturday and she could always be a bit naughty and push my buttons on friday. That saturday would give an extra trigger because I wouldn't know at what time I would be freed. Then as we started watching a show and I returned with our wine glasses refilled, she said 'chin-chin' and it becomes at least untill sunday. I chinned saying something like 'right now I really want that, but maybe saturday I might regret' with a cheesy smile.

I also tried to sleep with the cage on, it was a struggle in de snug cage, because I kept waking to it shafing me. So I changed to the other one and that was better. I managed to get through the night, with the exemption of 30 minutes in which I couldn't get the 2nd one closed. As we woke up, we started cuddling, we always do. She spooned me and put her hand on my thigh, I think right then She noticed the cage and had forgotten untill then. I then noticed Her hand feeling up the cage shaft for a bit before resting her hand back on my thigh. couple minutes later in a cute soft tone: "your cage should be of for the coming 10 minutes." I obliged and immediately and very eagerly released my penis. We just cuddled while I got erect, She caressed it gently, slowly. Just enough to keep me on my toes, not enough to really start building something. after 3 minutes or so She stopped that and we just cuddled for 10 more minutes. It felt magical. I did see Her glimpse/take a look at the cage as I took it with me as I went to the shower... Not sure if She was just curious or a bit at unease.

So now I guess I'll be wearing it at home, IN HER PRESENCE. It feels so exciting yet so unpredictable!
So proud and in love with Her gentle yet firm way of taking the lead.
So glad I didn't rush it, so glad I first let her get accustomed to her nex job, get settled in the new house.
So curious if and how it will be after this sunday... Will She tell me to set the next goal afterwards or not...
So curious if and how She will start using it to Her advantage.
So curious about how it will feel for Her...

I hope to follow up after sunday!

 

Haha yep, thankfully I read a lot of experiences on cm, and I had allready cole to terms that slow and steady wins the race. That it can grow slowly and organicly.