Female led relation-help!

Discussion in 'Female led relationships' started by GoddessB, Mar 3, 2020.

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  1. GoddessB
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    GoddessB Dominant women, key holder

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    Hey, so me and my partner have been doing chastity on and off for nearly a year now, main reason being because he has an obsession with wanking and not giving me any attention. It was he’s idea to start it all and it went well in the beginning then we stopped and we have started again as he recently went away and hasn’t cum in over a week now. So very time he is locked up i expect him to pleasure me but he doesn’t. He over dominates me all the time and it’s difficult for me to be more dominant and tell him how it is and i’m in control when he is locked up. Even when he finally plays with me he doesn’t seem that into it and i never finish. I just need to help on how to be more dominant with him to let him know i’m i charge and when he pleasure me he will get pleasure too. I do believe chastity will work it will take time but i need to be harsher but how?? Thank you in advance!!
     
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  2. Blue00
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    Blue00 Member

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    As a husband, I can tell you men have as much (If not more) learning to do about being chaste and submissive as a new Domme has the learn. I cannot tell you how to be more dominant, only you know what you want in the relationship. There is a woman only forum on this site that might be helpful in engaging others with similar questions. Have you considered getting verified as a woman and seeking recommendations there?

    Otherwise, the book “uniquely Rika” by Ms. Rika has been extremely useful for me to put things in perspective. I offer this as it seems to have been written by an insightful woman, and it can be read separately or together to encourage communication about what each other expects. I suspect you are dominant enough, and it is he who needs to adjust his attitude if he truely wishes to serve you.

    Best wishes for an amazing journey together.

    How will you know if you’re a ‘good Mistress’? He’s the teacher. Is his satisfaction the judge? I can’t tell you how many times men have told me, “She doesn’t know how to dominate me!” That certainly sounds a bit backwards, doesn’t it? I mean, here he is claiming to serve you, and yet his happiness is the indicator of how well you’re doing!!! - Ms Rika
     
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  3. MissyB
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    MissyB Long term member

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    I understand your frustration. Just because he wears a cage doesn't automatically make him submissive and you dominant. Portraying and actually enjoying being a dominant persona can be difficult for women, as society has discouraged many of the traits that are needed. The same for a man being submissive or obedient. It takes time to adjust to a new way. To get there, you have to communicate and be honest with your feelings, and so does he. Other women, many on this site, have made that transition so I hope you hear from them as to useful approaches to reach your goals. Good luck.
     
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  4. Nicoftime
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    Nicoftime The suspense is terrible...I hope it lasts

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    One thing that some females tend to forget, or just not know because they do not have a penis, is that just because a cage is locked on there, doesn’t mean he hasn’t cum.

    When I casually mentioned to my wife that I didn’t have a problem grooming because I could just pull it out the back, she looked at me funny “really?”. Yep, these things are pretty squishy and pliable. I was pierced that very week and she feels a lot better knowing that it’s staying in there until she unlocks it.

    It sounds like he has been taking matters into his own hands, is my guess on why he sometimes forgets who is in charge, and is so hot and cold about pleasing you. A very horned up man, desperate, needs very little encouragement. I suggest you double check his chastity commitment. If he’s wanking without your knowledge, all these cages are just jewelry.
     
  5. Blue00
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    Blue00 Member

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    Insightful! This did not occur to me, but could certainly explain it. Although there are many fantasy stories and captions about being forced into chastity, the reality is that he must be committed to enforcing it himself. Even with a piercing, a man dedicated to getting himself off will find a way.

    I wonder what would happen if you told him you wanted him to go a week without wanking and without a cage. Could he do it? He should be so sensitive that he leaks just giving you a backrub or becomes hard with a single touch of your finger. Check him when he seems inattentive. If he doesn’t respond, he might be pleasing himself.
     
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  6. Abstraction
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    Abstraction Force of nature
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    @GoddessB I know what you mean! 'I want to be submissive but only my way and you will obey'. At times, I wonder if submission is more of a fantasy than mindset because when I try to enforce dominance I get resistance or lack of interest. Is it me not being of interest or the dynamic? And then you start questioning yourself and next thing you know, you wonder if it's worth the effort.
     
  7. Bonobo
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    Bonobo Long term member

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    Tell your men to grow up, if they want an FLR they get it your way.
     
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  8. Jessica Alexander
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    Jessica Alexander Trans woman not a mistress or Dom

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    He needs to learn to give and take pleasure without the expectation of orgasm. I’d make him commit to a 30-90 day break in program if he wants to continue chastity. You shouldn’t have to suffer so make sure you have all the toys you need including a strap on for him to use on you. Numbing gel under a condom for 20 minutes will keep him from cumming too.

    He should never “expect” to orgasm even if you unlock him.
     
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  9. GoddessG
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    I agree with the suggestion that he is cheating the cage... my partner has managed to cum twice whilst wearing it now..

    You can lead a horse to water ..

    I'm having rebellion issues with my partner at the moment. That said, I demanded he caged himself earlier as I expect him to prove his submission and devotion to me. I said it out of the blue and it startled him.

    Make a demand on your partner which he isn't expecting /when he least expects it so he hasn't time to find an excuse against etc and see how he reacts?

    Good luck, sounds like you have a 'dominant sub' like mine ! They are hard work!
     
  10. Xileh
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    Xileh Happily Serving

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    First, you are a very special woman to accept chastity and then to register on this forum and ask questions. You seem open to new ideas and strong enough to make them happen.

    There is often one of two desires that causes a guy to suggest chastity; he is turned on by the kink, or, he actually wants to submit. To move forward, you need to determine which is the likely scenario. It sounds like he wants kink.

    Neither are right or wrong. Both can be a lot of fun. But, you need to have a frank discussion with him to choose a path. Also, these paths are not mutually exclusive. Starting down one path offer leads to others. Practicing chastity and/or FLR demands good communication, this is a good time to start.

    Pick your time to have this discussion. Do it on your own terms with the right setting and mood. Lay out your expectations that need to be met going forward. Maybe have the discussion as part of a tease session where you tell him he won’t get to finish. He may become very agreeable. If he became confused, don’t worry, there will be more discussions.

    When you do discuss this, your needs (like the ones you have mention) should get top billing. If he wants a dominant woman, that’s what dominant women often expect. He needs to clearly understand that once that lock clicks shut, no cheating. He is making a commitment to you if you are going to move forward.

    This is a common discussion brought up by women that have been introduced to chastity by their partners. Have have come to a friendly and supportive place to ask your questions. The other women on this forum are very special and have the experience to help.

    Good luck!
     
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  11. starflyer
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    starflyer Junior Member

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    I learned never expect an orgasm and then I don't get disappointed, the highlight of my week last week was she unlocked me and said she wanted to see me wank in front of her, which I did, She said when you get near i'm taking over.....I said im getting close.....she took over and carried on the wank she could see I was about to cum and I thought this is it my first orgasm for quite a while....as I was just about to ejaculate she stopped squeezed my throbbing cock tightly and stuck her thumb over my pee hole....I'm sending it all back she said, my cock was pulsing in her hand, she kept hold tightly till my throbbing had subsided then said...when I let go and remove my thumb if any cum drips out i'm going to thrash your arse.....well she didn't send it all back and I had a blob of cum just ooze out, she wiped it up on to her finger and said ….here this is yours sissyboy and shoved her finger in my mouth, and I got the whipping of my arse too......I've learned not to complain and accept whatever comes my way from my mistress.
     
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  12. Naughty boy
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    Naughty boy Active member

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    Wow ...what a cruel fantastic mistress
     
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  13. tecolote
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    tecolote Long term member

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    After he's locked, just hide the key and use it as leverage. Wait until he asks to be let out, then tell him, "When
    you are ready to lick me, let me know. Until then, you stay locked. "

    Then when he let's you know, refuse him. Tell him to ask again the next day. Don't let him touch you sexually until he is literally begging to lick you or whatever it is you want. After he licks you, if he does a half assed job, tell him it sucked and that you will allow him to try again in a week.

    The timelines above may need to be adjusted based on how long he has been in the cage and how well it fits. If he's never done overnight, then 24-48 hours might seem impossible to him. If he's done a month before, push him to 2 months. Just do what it takes to make sure he knows that he gets no sexual satisfaction until after you do. The more trouble he makes, the more times he has to satisfy you. Make him beg for the chance to satisfy you, and don't let him off the hook until he demonstrates that he can do it.
     
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  14. Guest 0938
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    #14 Guest 0938, Mar 12, 2020
    Last edited: Mar 12, 2020
    Hi Goddess B

    great question!

    A couple ideas and questions:

    first: Frankly, as a submissive-he deserves discipline. If You struggle with that then hire a professional disciplinarian to train you both!! There was a great post on here CM about one couples success with that.

    Next: His pattern matches someone getting out of the cage and jerking himself still:so let’s investigate that:
    is your husband asexual?
    is he porn addicted?

    here’s the big question: is he getting out of the cage or using stimulation to cum in the cage? His behavior pattern (if he is not asexual and not a porn addict) kinda matches one of two demographics: one is he’s cumming (and the guilt is showing up), or the second is that he is not turned on in the bedroom. Most cages can be broken out of EASILY but sliding the balls between the rings or sliding the penis out with the balls still between the rings-to test this soap or lube lots and see. I guarantee You if You can slide his penis out-he knew about it already!

    If he’s not getting turned on that can be trained-like let him edge while looking at any body part of You. Then stop n lock again ten minutes a day. Trust me-he will lust after the mole on the sole of Your foot if he does that training long enough looking at it


    Next:
    Do you listen to D/s education videos together? I like Evie Lupine YouTube


    Next: some ideas
    1. Getting into his head: my first D/s friend was an old school gay Dom who said he always had subs send him their 5 top porn videos on their kink. He did that to find out what turned them on so he could use that. What is he looking for? It should show up in the porn - honestly-you must USE stuff like that even if it feels a bit manipulative.

    Second idea: hypnosis files: there are so many training files out there: stalkerbee, Aurelia Alder, EMG, Goddess Kasha Shakti, Warp my mind; Patreon. The stuff works over time. Hypnosis to bind him to Your will.

    Third: i highly recommend you develop negotiation style using a Safe Sane Consentual D/s standard: I love Evie Lupine on YouTube and Patreon. She has some great stuff on long term relationships

    Fourth: there is a wonderful book that may help.

    the Taoist Secrets of Love: Cultivating Male Sexual Energy. Mantak Chia and Michael Winn Which is a non kink approach to orgasm control and reaching peak performance well into a man’s 80’s.

    Hope You find this helpful.

    Best Regards

    p
     
  15. Giles_English
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    Giles_English Chaste slave

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    Perhaps he's being deliberately difficult in order to spur you into more dominant behaviour?

    You really need to have this conversation with him. However, if you're one of those couples that doesn't really communicate that way, you might try giving him specific orders to prove and enforce his submission.

    For example, in the lead up to sexy time, he can spend some time kneeling or standing in the corner while you chill out. And when you're ready, get him to give you a proper massage. Finally, when you move onto him pleasuring you, give him explicit instructions... control the action. And if he doesn't get you off, he can go kneel in the corner while you do yourself.
     
  16. Smallymike
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    Smallymike Mike

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    Meybe he wants you to be more dominant and he needs (or wants) corporal punishment?
     
  17. c-w
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    c-w Active member

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    Heyho,

    it appears to me that he has a discipline problem in the first place and since you didn't mention anything about it I guess you have currently no "discipline, obedience and punishment" plan in operation with emphasis on punishment. He has to learn that with you in the dominant role, it's your word, your wish and will and your commands and orders only that count. Start simple obedience exercises in serving you in nonsexual contexts like carrying your bags when shopping, food preparing, household duties or even simpler do-what-you-are-told-tests for their own sake like:

    "Stand still! Upright! Feet apart! Hands behind back! Dont't move or speak until ordered or allowed! Keep position for 5 minutes!" Vary details in position or duration, be creative and get him doing things for the one and only reason that you have ordered him to do so. Be arbitrary and despotish. Place orders during everyday life.

    And then for every failure pile up punishment points "Speaking unallowed: 1pt; moving unallowed: 2pt; speaking up with complaints: 5pt; being late: 1pt per minute; fulfilling orders incomplete or faulty: 3pt per detail" and so on. You could even introduce a "penal code".

    Let him collect these punishment points and then introduce a regular habit of punishment time - say everyday 7pm or every Sunday noon where the punishment is adminstered formally with maybe one faceslap per point or two cane strokes per point or 1 minute nippleclamp per point or a combination thereof or whatever you consider appropriate (you, not him!).

    Over time that should teach him obedience and establish the correct chain of command.

    c-w
     
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  18. madams-sissysub
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    totally agree with this!
     
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