Hi all, this will be my formal introduction. My husband/sub is already currently on here, but mostly just lurks and purchases devices(he doesn't even wear). I've hit my give up point when it comes to being a Domme so I'm resorting to being active in a forum for advice. We have been trying out this type of lifestyle for over a year now and it's been a constant power battle. He wanted this, he introduced me to it, yet he doesn't obey, and if he does an attitude comes with it. There is always something "wrong" or uncomfortable with a device, he's on his 3rd Jailbird and that just got sent in to be made shorter. So he's never really in chastity. He tends to have "accidental" releases, that I shouldn't punish him for because he claims they are essentially ruined orgasms. I apparently don't respect him, because when I tell him to do something if he voices he doesn't want to do it (generally non-sexual things) and I make him then I'm not respecting how he feels. When I voice to him my frustrations it just leads to fights. Essentially I have a sub that does whatever he wants, I'm a Domme who apparently isn't very dominating, and I'm about over all of it. Hopefully this site will be beneficial to me and i can finally start to have some control.
Hello MommaK and welcome to the mansion. Your plight is not unheard of by any means. Hopefully we can help. I'll mail you here with my suggestions just as soon as I get a moment. Amanda
Somewhere along the line your husbands male pride is standing in the way of your desires...he NEEDS to be in panties!
You can try refusing to indulge in his fetish. That is what my wife threatens. If I do not want to do as she says, she hands me the keys back and tells me that chastity was my idea and if I do not play by her rules, she does not want to play with me anymore. That keeps me in line. The guy has to want to do chastity and it sounds like your hubby does not want to stop masturbating and wants you to force him to stop. I do not know if that will work out well. It is like when I quit smoking. After a few failed attempts, I succeeded because I mentally was prepared to stop. Before I felt like I should stop for reasons other than me wanting to. If he cannot exercise a modicum of self control, he may end up like some who are more into trying to overcome devices, than chastity itself. Guys sometimes get caught up with the equipment of their interest. I know more than others because I have a house littered with equipment for hobbies that I hardly engaged in once I got the latest and greatest equipment. I get my pleasure from learning and deciding on what to buy. Once I get the stuff, I lose interest. Sounds like your hubby may be a little like me when it comes to chastity. He is caught up in the fantasy but cannot handle the reality. It is not uncommon for guys to want to be forced to do sexual things even though in reality they cannot be forced to do anything they do not want to do. My wife and I are partners in making sure that I am chaste. She can leave me unlocked and go out and know that I will not masturbate at all. In fact, we started off using no device at all until we started going longer than two weeks. I am sitting her unlocked and my wife will be leaving for the rest of the day in two hours. She knows that after I shower, I will lock myself up and be good. We work at this together because it is something we both want. YMMV One more thing and I do not want to sound preachy but just know that chastity does not need to mean a D/s relationship. I am dominant and my wife is submissive. We started chastity with absolutely no D/s involved. My wife's control over me was limited to just my orgasms and nothing else. Over time I became appreciative that she indulges me this fetish so I do little things for her. I get her coffee and snacks and clean up after her. If she wants a foot massage I will do that as it turns me on when I am locked up. She has started to have me wear panties. She lays out the panties of the day and those are the ones I wear. She feels it is just a reminder of who controls the stuff that the panties cover and it does do that. That is it as far as our D/s play goes. I am still the man of the house and my wife likes it that way. I can stop all of this any time I want to, but do not. I view it as payback for my wife's willingness to play this game with me. That is just us and others have different motivations. I think most will agree that if your husband has a fantasy of being forced into chastity against his will, the reality will disappoint him. Chastity is much more a mental game than physical. You can hold a vibrator against the best device out there and have an orgasm even if you do not get an erection. There is no device that is 100% foolproof. This means that your mind has to be in the right place to do this and enjoy the frustration and pleasure of being chaste. If you want to have someone try to stop you against your will, that is not really chastity. It is some other game. I repeat, that you do not have to lead a D/s life outside of chastity play if he is not into that. You can ease into it. As I learned, it is a lot of work being a Keyholder, especially when I annoyed my wife constantly about my chastity and need for release. Now it is just a part of our life and we only discuss it on the two sex nights each week. I learned over the last 11 months and made all the rookie mistakes at first. Good luck but it sounds that your hubby is not submissive and wants you to force him to be. You should not be having fights. If that happens on my home, we stop playing as no sex fetish is worth it. If someone wants to be a sub, they have to submit at some level. There is something else to think about. Sometimes we men get a fantasy version of a fetish in our minds and to enjoy it we need to enact it exactly as we picture it. I learned that you cannot expect others to share your fantasy down to the detail level that you do. That usually ends up in disappointment. Good luck. It may take a few false starts to get it right but keep trying if you both want this and it is fun for both of you. If not, it can lead to marital strife. Others can provide better insights than I can. I am just speaking from my own experience in chastity and a few decades of BDSM play. Try just the chastity part at first without any D/s and then ease into whatever feels right later on. However, your hubby needs to want to be in chastity or else you are in for a lot of work and problems.
Hi and welcome. Your situation is not working because you are not "in" the chastity game. I would think it could take a few weeks of strict chastity before he would come around and happily do whatever you ask of him. Since he is having device problems, as he says, then he is not actually in chastity long enough for any real improvements to be seen IMO. I guess we would need to know what kind of device issues he is having to help with those. Most devices are never going to be completely comfortable to wear 24/7 for most guys. There will always be some discomforts here and there. But in my opinion if things are not turning purple and no broken skin then the device is probably working fine. For most guys the biggest issue is skin irritation around the scrotum ring, this can be helped immensly with Lanacane anti-chafing gel applied several times a day. Hope that helps.
The "REAL" question is what do "YOU" want from all of this? he has been getting what he wanted for the past year in reality and you have helped give him everything he hoped for without any of the reality that truly handing over total control to another involves. Before you do anything else at all sit down and work out just what it is that would make this lifestyle choice of his work for you and if you struggle to think of anything then it obviously is a non runner from the off! if however you have thought of a few things you could attain by indulging him in his fantasy then tell him what they are! and how you expect them to be implemented into his daily life, he has nothing to lose by being made aware of your terms after all. Once evrything is out in the open and choices made then start slowly the slower the better especially as he will probably want you to spend copious amounts of your time administering his need to constantly mention his new predicament but once he has agreed to your terms he should be totally aware things will be done at your pace and in your fashion.
Vinny, When I tell him I'm about to be done with it, he just gives it up himself. He doesn't even put up a fight (I'm assured it's a passive aggressive behavior on his end). Then a little while long he's asking me to be his Domme again. Also we are aware that both D/s and chastity are not necessarily always together, he wanted both. This came across at a very sensitive time of our marriage and I reluctantly agreed that if it would get his desires met I'm in. Honestly I felt it saved our marriage and now it feels as if it's almost tearing it apart, though I feel if we took it totally away there wouldn't be much left. I've read pages upon pages of different relationships and we've both made agreements on what we want from it. In everyday life he is very dominant, and I think that is part of where we are constantly butting heads, there is a big struggle to let go of power. I'm almost assured now that after some lock up time we will both benefit.
Hi MommaK I am sorry to hear that things are not working out as well as you hoped. It seems a difficult situation for you both. My take on it is that he has a fantasy of the D/s relationship and probably a way in which he wants it to play out. You have agreed to enter this world with probably not so much information about what he was hoping for so are trying to find your feet. When I first entered this world, I knew I was supposed to be the dominant female however that is easier said than done when you are only just finding your feet. I remember believing everything I was told and was not happy when I found out that a lot of it was fiction. I don’t believe that long lock ups or quick feminisation are the way to go in the beginning unless there has been some wearing of the device or female clothing previously to you taking charge. I do believe that most of the fantasies I have heard of are about a dominant female who takes charge and won’t listen to the excuses. Even people I have locked, when I have unlocked them due to them hinting that an unlock was needed, have then said they were hoping I would keep them locked. I don’t think it will be easy for him to let go, especially as previously you have not been the dominant one. I found it best doing it in small but very powerful doses. I do wish you both well in this as I know what a fabulous time can be had when it works. Feel free to message me if there is anything else I can tell you.
Do forgive me if I'm being a complete klutz but all this advice written here in public seems rather pointless when the chap in question can log in and read it all himself. Can someone please explain?
I think you both need to sit down and write out some terms and conditions but go over the File for a few days or a week and add or subtract what your both comfortable with and whats not on the menu. But as Vinny has stated it sounds like he likes the idea of the kink and the toys yet cannot allow himself to let go when it all starts. Tis a difficult situation......
Well, it seems like you want it to work, so that is a good sign. Problems with the device itself frustrated my wife and I at the beginning. Getting that right will allow things to progress to new levels. But I agree with Ms. Amanda. Find some friends here, there are many real people who are excited to share secrets and tips. But doing it on an open thread is probably not the most effective thing. Good luck to you both.
Perhaps said husband will see that he is also being a "complete klutz" and gain an insight from all these posts that will help him to understand where he is going wrong? And thus amend his behaviour and give @MommaK a bit of a break - and allow her to flourish and develop into the domme that he wants her to be. Many of the observations are from chaps so he should be listening - or even reveal himself and explain his position (and lay himself open to much calumny!!)
As a forum dedicated to Male Chastity in all its many forms, I would have thought that being secretive about trying to help someone in their quest would be counter productive. Also are we not trying to encourage people who are relatively new to the scene? We most certainly will not do this if our answers to questions are all in private messages. It takes two to enjoy Male Chastity, stands to reason it takes two to understand and try and alleviate any problems as well.
Oh I agree with everything you've written Jules, however I still feel that this case is an exception. Thankfully I've been informed that it's unlikely that he will read it. Furthermore I believe that sometimes when playing a game, it's important for the enjoyment of the game to keep your cards close to your chest rather than having everyone lay them face up on the table. I think in most instances that the game might not be so much fun.
Welcome to the Mansion MommaK! Seems to me you should be chatting to the Mistresses on here in private....they are so good with advice... and he should be chatting in public with all of us subs...who can tell him how lucky he is to have a wife who is keen to embrace his fantasy world! Come on hubby..man up (in your panties) and join the mansion properly and introduce yourself! ....you really don't know how lucky you are!
this sissy feels that a sit-down discussion may be appropriate. it wouldn't be right to let this lifestyle get in the way of Your relationship. An open discussion will provide the opportunity to get all feelings and concerns out for consideration. this is a delicate balance. there may be some feelings of being ignored; it may be useful to reveal them in a way that's respectful to each other's feelings. this lifestyle shouldn't get in the way of your togetherness. All intimate relationships among caring people are very special.
Of course. . . Well, I mean you could just tie him up and beat him into submission. I won't pretend that violence and fear didn't help shape the bedroom dynamic in our case. Perhaps not the most elegant or creative solution.
I would say he needs to to read this too so that when his wife acts upon it he will understand why and wont take it too personally and in also it may prevent another argument. I would take things very slowly with the chastity for now and work on any of the other issues you have in the relationship. As things improve in your relationship you can push his chastity/submisive limits as well. Let the two evole naturally together. No fetish is worth loosing your marriage over.
This could end up a very boring website if all the converstions were carried out in private? i was always told "sharing is good for you"
Now you're just being silly with that comment. Nobody suggested any such thing. It only serves to further exacerbate the derailing of MommaK's thread. . Furthermore most of my own communications here in CM take place in private which in view of your comment would insinuate that I'm a bore and to that I take offence.
There was no attempt to insinuate anything and neither was there any attempt to de-rail a very good thread from a new member my comment was purely aimed at hoping that the majority of people who frequent the site do so in order to glean information from others, if private messaging is encouraged then there will be less for the majority to have any input in getting involved in. I hope more new members feel the urge to share with everyone
It must appear - judged by all standards - as if this thread indeed has been a victim of a never ending dispute in-between moderators and between moderators and members. I Think it is time to stop. We got it: Some like to use one-on-one PM's, some prefer to have a more open debate - where the community can contribute. I think we have room for it all. Dear Moderators - Stop the cat fight. Honor the thread holder's intentions and let this thread unfold in lovely unpredictable ways Thank You very much.. . BlueEyes - just returned from a wonderful trip with wife an girlfriend to Copenhagen....
Personally I believe he would benefit from reading all of these remarks. No one is going to learn a thing with a few private messages of 'How to be a Domme' That's what this site and the fourms have always stood for, a place to gather information and discuss. This man dosent seem any different than most all men, they think with their dicks and then when they get what they want then all of a sudden they want more and more and the Domme cannot do enough or do anything right. I also agree with maid carrie, he should read this and come on here, make himself known and explain his side so we have all the facts and can offer advice in this PUBLIC fourm so everyone can benefit. Private messages are secret and serve no purpose when looking for advice from a group. Mistress Michelle