Failure to Obey

Discussion in 'Female led relationships' started by Trixxy, Sep 3, 2018.

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  1. Trixxy
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    Trixxy New member

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    For a year off and on my pet and I have had an FLR and while the sex/kink part of it is great FINALLY. There's an issue, he is impossible to train, and will blantantly ignore my rules and orders on about a daily basis.

    We have tried discussing it, punishment for it ( spanking and once I had him write lines) it doesn't sems to be making him change, I feel discouraged and frustrated which doesn't seem like a way a mostly fun kink should be and definitely doesn't inspire me to be a good Mistress.

    What should I do? There's times when .I just want to give up trying because it seems hopeless.
     
  2. Guest 3729
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    Guest 3729 Long term member

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    He obviously isnt understanding his role and seems to only be looking at the sexual aspects of your femdom relationship, this is a mistake a lot of us guys make. The punishments have to be things he doesn't like. If he's locked then you should take away his sex privileges and don't give them back until he complies. Don't give him what he wants, make him give you what you want by denying him what he wants. He'll either come around or he won't. He's the one that needs to change and understand his role.
     
  3. Unlucky
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    Unlucky Long term member

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    You've said you discussed it, so I assume he said he's ok with or wants the control to be about more than just sex. If he doesn't want it, don't try to force it. If what you have isn't enough for you, abandon it. The Sub gets to set the limits but they don't get to force the Dom to play the game.

    If your punishments aren't working, you need to increase them until they do. If that means you have to paddle him morning, noon, and night for weeks, that's what you do. (or whatever other punishment you decide upon) At the same time, you praise him every time when he does well. It is almost impossible to be over the top in your praise. If he starts to reform, you decrease the punishments AND the praise. If after a period of time, he reverts to old bad habits, bring back the heightened level of punishments but not the praise. (The psychology of training says you reward a new habit to encourage it, then make the reward inconsistent to maintain it)

    That requires you to put in a lot of work. If you want the benefits, you have to be willing to do it. That or find someone else whose already been trained. If that's too much for you, that's fine as well, but then you have to decide whether you're ok with what you have or want to go back to vanilla. To repeat myself, the Sub gets to set the limits but they don't get to force the Dom to play the game.
     
  4. Guest 2802
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    Guest 2802 Active member

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    I will assume your rule are reasonable and your boy is capable of fulfilling them. Younger men (and I say that because I was once a younger man :cool:) are often driven by their own fantasy-based notions of how a femdom or FLR relationship works. Getting to the point where a man accepts that FLR means truly focusing on the desires, needs and rules of his female partner at the expense of his own does not come easily.

    If you have already established the rules of your FLR and he is not following them, I believe it is due to one of two reasons: a) he's trying to provoke you into punishing him or b) once his sexual fantasy needs are met, he's no longer interested in the lifestyle part of FLR.

    For the first case, it will be important for you to not allow him to top from the bottom (if this is a true FLR). If he's not following your commands, then their must be consequences until he understands that he agreed to this. If you do punish him, it has to be of a form that he truly does not secretly see as a reward. If he wants to be spanked, then the punishment should not be spanking. My wife will threaten me with "You agreed to this. If you don't want to follow my rules we can stop right now." Removal of something that I truly want will often motivate me to comply.

    For the second case, I believe this is quite common and a bit harder to address. However, chastity can help. When a guy is horny and especially when sexually excited, he'll agree to almost anything but once his has achieved sexual release, his mind starts to focus on other things. I imagine if this is your situation, you're going to have to find a way to keep his mind "in the game." This is where focusing on your needs and chastity/denial can work to your favor. He needs to learn that his pleasure depends upon focusing on your pleasure and your rules. You also might want to research "operant conditioning."

    Good luck!
     
  5. tqbartleby
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    tqbartleby Active member

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    One piece of advice I've seen in other threads is sort of the opposite of the suggestions above: "OK, you're not following the rules. The FLR is off. Back to vanilla and an ordinary relationship. No more spanking and all that. Unless... you *really* get with it."
     
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  6. tegelad
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    tegelad Class and sophistication in all things

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    How about this. Every punishment earned means more pleasure for you and less for him. I would suggest you invest in a cock sheath (e.g. from oxballs) and he has to wear it and gives you the sex you deserve including oral.

    Include oils for body rubs and other things ...

    If you want to amp it up add other more possible taboo oriented things like rimming or wayer sports. I am not an advocate for these things, but the idea is to do things that are not pleasant and require little effort on your part. During this time his main punishment is no release, but that doesn't mean you don't get satisfied or pleasured.

    I would also suggest if time goes on and he is still not following your rules you can amp it up by subtle humiliation acts. Make him hairless, tease him about finding.a real man, collect his cum and feed it to him (e.g. save it without his knowledge if you can and if sex includes him cumming in you) place it in your panties or on and in you and make him think another man took care of you.
     
  7. DonnaSue
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    DonnaSue Long term member

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    The "R" in FLR stands for Relationship and implicit with that is good communication. You guys have to not only discuss this, but talk it out completely. You will find your solution.
     
  8. mcfeely
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    mcfeely Long term member

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    It may be that his position on FLR is sexual only. Hard to tell without more details about his and your behavior. My wife and I never really got started with this type of play. Her expectations and mine are different.
     
  9. Trixxy
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    Trixxy New member

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    I'll give a bit more insight, the FLR kink is his idea, meaning it's a fantasy he came into the relationship with, I didn't even really know such things existed before him.

    He approached me about it and after the initial shock I have come to realize it works for me and for us. He has given me full control over his life, I control money and that sort of thing.

    He asked me to come up with rules that I feel help him be want I need (also what he can do to be better for himself)

    The biggest issue is communication, I have requested that if he's going to be late he let me know ASAP so I can plan accordingly, he fails to do this.

    I have also asked that he clean up behind himself, which is a struggle to get him to do as well.

    That he is caged (cock) while at work or out of the house.

    That he speaks to me with respect, Yes Mistress, No Mistress etc.

    The other rules are more about the kink and sexual aspects and as I said before he is very good about following those.

    We have talked about his expectations of me in this so that I know his limits and I have tried to express that he can talk to me if he has concerns. This is above all else a relationship, we are about to be married. I want us to have a loving respectful marriage.

    I showed him this last night and we talked some more. I appreciate the advice given and I think I will try to change my approach to punishment and be better about praise when he does do what is laid out in our rules. Which I think are fair and that he has agreed to follow.
     
  10. Guest 2802
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    Guest 2802 Active member

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    @Trixxy, it sounds like you have a solid foundation and your rules/expectations are reasonable. I would think you're on a good path to developing a workable FLR. Good luck.

    I will admit something. When I'm not locked at home, even though we always have a D/s relationship, I will find time to sneak away and masturbate. When I'm able to satisfy my sexual urges myself, I tend to get "willful", as my wife calls it. This is one of the reasons why I'm glad I am in 24/7 chastity now. It removes the temptation to satisfy my urges and take my focus off of her.
     
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  11. CB Henry
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    CB Henry Active member

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    Without knowing limits agreed it is very difficult to offer advice. Certainly no punishment should in anyway be considered fun but something he dreads. Removal of pleasures sex drink sport on TV made to stand in the corner an extreme sadist friend locks her slave in a cupboard in the dark with a jug to pee in. Her slave rarely fails her and accepts her every word. You have to be firm or else accept FLR is not for you and tell him in this case it will end.
     
  12. Wannabee
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    Wannabee Active member

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    I suspect he may not be as chaste as you believe him to be.
    I have ordered a Ms Lori's 2E cage with retaining ring which should provide the security of a piercing without the piercing. The retaining ring can also easily be replaced with a PA fitting.
     
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  13. Breathe
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    Breathe Be true to yourself

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    Detachment from the dynamic is the most effective punishment I've encountered. It's also My least favorite activity. In our lives, punishments are to be avoided.

    Communication is crucial. You're wise to require it. I hope things improve in your situation.
     
  14. LockedPom
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    LockedPom Long term member

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    Sounds like the punishments may be funishments. As others have mentioned, removal of kink is the worst and most effective punishment for many! In some cases, a punishment with an angry attitude/verbalisation can make the difference from a kinky punishment, even though the physical actions are the same.
     
  15. tqbartleby
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    tqbartleby Active member

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    Another aspect of disciplinary punishments, independently of severity, is separating them from a sexualized context. When my wife canes me for cause, she makes sure not to do so in proximity with sex. She remains clothed, wastes no time, does nothing seductive or teasing. Serious but business-like, and as soon as it's over it's over, no lingering. This takes away the erotic component that otherwise would make it a different experience.
     
  16. patys999
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    patys999 New member

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    i am a sub.. maybe he likes punishment? thats why he is disobeying? for me i like to obey, so i dont know if this is correct or not...
     
  17. MJM
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    MJM Member

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    My partner threatens me with fucking someone else if I misbehave. She probably wouldn’t but would I take that risk. Actually I wouldn’t mind it but I’d be worried about losing her. Now if yours doesn’t want to be cucked this can be a very effective punishment. But you have to be able to follow it through for it to be effective.
     
  18. Unlucky
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    Unlucky Long term member

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    Non-consensual adultery is not a punishment. That's responding to disrespect with magnitudes worse disrespect. Someone who cares so little about their partner as to threaten much less do that should just end the relationship for both of their sake.
     
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  19. handcuffedboy
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    handcuffedboy Long term member

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    shock collar will correct him quickly
     
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  20. MJM
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    MJM Member

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    I kind of agree with you if she just did it. I’d say it depends on the person and consent. To be fair I should have mentioned that I’ve given my consent to my partner to say and do that to me. Like I said she probably wouldn’t but the option is there if I misbehave. It certainly keeps me in line. And I love it when she says it. So harsh.
     
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  21. Linda's sissy
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    Linda's sissy Active member

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    My guess is he enjoys the punishment and is setting up the scene to get the punishment. He is controlling things from his submissive position.
    I am sort of like him. Linda just put me in chastity and left me that way, no spanking, no corner time, no attention. Eventually she sat me down and asked me if I was ready to be serious about this. I was and things have been better ever since
     
  22. Freaky Rabbit
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    Freaky Rabbit Long term member

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    I don't think creating more punishment is going to do it, and it will create more resentment. There are perhaps some "needs" wants that are not being met and not properly communicated. I believe that you need to have a good conversation and find out why is your partner not communicating, and why he is not following orders from you, which is something he says he likes (I presume). Couple's therapy might be appropriate, to find out why there is not a good communication. My wife and I went through a long struggle, where she stopped playing with me kinky games. She felt I was not liking what she was doing and criticizing her. I had to go through a process to accept who she is, and that my dream fantasies are far from reality. Now I praise her when she wants to control me and play kinky games. The space opened for me to say what I like, without being pushy. It has turned our sex life around. FLR is kind of bleeding into our daily life, with chastity, which is something like and she is enjoying too. Good luck.
     
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  23. Cincy
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    Cincy Long term member

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    I think you are allowing him too many orgasms
     
  24. Mash2214
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    Mash2214 Locked today, tomorrow, forever

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    This isn’t an easy problem to fix. Even from my own experiences and wanting to be locked and serve my Mistress I wasn’t always the perfect sub and didn’t always follow her rules. When Miss Shelly use to take the Chastity or spanking me away I would find myself after awhile craving and wanting it more, when she did this I was more cooperative to how she wanted things To go because I didn’t want my kink to totally end.

    What we men say we want and what we actually do want or need are not always the same thing and as for myself it’s not always easy to communicate with our spouses what is the right way to go. Having something that you want taken away from you can be a powerful motivator to be more cooperative or it may cause the interest to end.

    No one knows the dynamics of your relationship better than you do @Trixxy so how you proceed is going to have to be up to you. If your relationship is built on True Love for each other it’ll work out in some way shape or form. Have Faith in your Love for each other.
     
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  25. Greg Goltz
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    Greg Goltz Member

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    Lots of good advice above. I can agree with many. I would set up punishment as no more FLR. Make him earn the FLR sex and funishments. This should handle this problem, but then you may have relationship problems.

    I know that I don’t feel like submitting after orgasm. It take time and experience to understand this.

    GOOD LUCK
     
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